Thursday, 24 May 2012
I have been tired for weeks, but I think I've been pretty good at hiding how fed up I am, it's only at home it's harder because I'm tired after work. I think now its really starting to show though. Hopefully I'm overcoming it. Last week and the week before, I was having thoughts that scared me, about suicide and all sorts of shit that you really shouldn't be thinking when you're nineteen and in your first job. It's kinda dumb. It doesn't really make any sense. I KNOW that every challenge in life is only a hurdle - once you overcome it, it'll seem like nothing, and then the next challenge will come along. You just have to keep going. But I still can't stop hurting myself.
I don't think I quite remember how to stop, actually. My self-confidence has completely dropped and it's a struggle to motivate myself to do anything. It's like I can't control my thoughts. I embarrass myself. I feel stupid and like a complete f****** idiot, but like everyone, I have good days and bad days. At the moment I can't tell what sort of days I'm having, because it's the sort of day I would typically class as 'good' and thus does not explain why I feel so bad.
All the fears I was holding for the last few weeks, I finally confided them to my Mama, which was probably the right thing to do, because for the previous two or so weeks I'd been crying myself to sleep. But my mood lifted a lot after speaking to her... thank God, finally I could put the craft knife away and stop drawing lines on my skin like a maniac. I suppose I'm just scared about a lot of things. That must be it. There must be something inside me that keeps dragging my mood down, because on the outside, there is no logical reason for me sulking round the house like a moody bitch.
It's also why I decided not to blog for a while. I'd rather not have endless posts of gloom and misery, I thought if I could write it down and wrap it all up in one post, I could just push it to the back of the closet and get on with my life. Yay yay yay, happy happy sunshine beams and rainbows blah blah blah. I feel a little bit like a hermit. I don't really go out much any more or talk to my friends like I used to, but that's something I chose to do though, that part is solely my fault, because I'm not as interested in the stuff I used to do now, and although I have a lot of close friends, what it happening to me at the moment is personal and I'm not going to explain this to them. Maybe they would understand, but they can't give me the help and advice that I want (I wish I had a spiritual guide :( ). So texts and emails are on hold. Life bores me.
BUT, I knowwwww I will get over it, BECAAUUUSE, as I've been told, everybody gets to this point at some stage in their life. So I have to smile and carry on. =] Obviously I must have a defect to get these feelings so early, but at least I don't have to worry about them later :) ...that was an adequate attempt at a joke. You can laugh if you want. ( e_e )
Now that's done with, maybe I can finally concentrate on writing something. That would be nice, for once. For ONCE in my life, to actually write something and finish it. I wait with crossed fingers.
I've been watching The 4400 lately, watching episodes back to back on Netflix. Jacqueline McKenzie is the most amazing actor. Actually, I have a whole load of favourites, to many to name. It's such an incredible idea, the plot is really really good, and it inspired me to complete an idea I began about seven years ago when I started secondary school. It was a pretty shit idea then but it's sprung to life in the most incredible way now. Which is great, of course... but anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me, knows that characters names are really important to me, and changing a name that I really feel is right is like a traumatic experience. But I have no choice now, because when I looked back in my notebook I realised that the names of the leads characters for that idea were Will and Kate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Whaathefuuuuuuhhhhh!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I was laughing to myself for ages. I must be some sort of Seer to predict the coupling of those names, and then what, five, six years later Prince William marries Kate Middleton. I. Am. Amazing. A suicidal freako amazing super weirdo genius.
Whispers Underground had better hurry up and come out. I think that would lift my mood. Even better, I could go to Ben Aaronovitch's book signing next month if I wanted :) If I just focus on these things, I'm sure I'll be fine.
Pray for me, 'kay?