Tuesday, 31 December 2013

The Golden Three

Happy New Year's Eve.

All of my blogs will be updated tomorrow. ALL OF THEM.
Today is just the non-fiction ones, P Sov, Img Arc, and this one.

Look at this animated doodle that Google has?! Isn't it SO CUTE??!! =D
Look at the little '4' waiting to come on and start dancing?

... that '2' is gonna be around for a looooooong time.

Health Regimes.

As I said in my last post, I am making important health changes that I believe will help keep the depression at bay (I'm starting to hate that word. So overused (e_e) it's my own fault but still. What else am I supposed to call it? Well, actually I do call it Tiger Noir sometimes... long story.)

So I thought I'd just remind myself of my Golden Three.

Everyone had different things that work for them, and there's a lot of information out there. I felt I most resonated with these. I can put them into practice straight away and implement them into my life.

Brian Tracy

In this podcast (Is it a podcast? I think so), Brian Tracy goes through 9 Disciplines. The 5th Discipline is of Excellent Health Habits, where quite a lot is covered, from maintaining the perfect body to the importance of drinking 8 glasses a day. One phrase I like is Eat Less, Exercise More.

But the regime that is part of my Golden 3 from this is:

'Eliminate the Three White Poisons: Flour, Sugar and Salt'
He explains why each white poison is detrimental to your health, which I have heard before, but the way he said it was like a kick in the gut. It really made me kind of sit up and pay attention as if it was brand new to me.

The first time I ever heard this, my first step I began cutting down how much sugar I was taking in my tea, because I drink a LOT of tea. At the time, I only drank organic herbal teas so I never had milk anyway. I have now been drinking it without sugar for... maybe over a year or something? I would just as happily drink hot water. Several years ago it would've made me go 'blegh' but it's a mind over matter situation. Once I got my mind over it, it didn't matter.

There were lots of other things I had to cut out while following this though. In essence, it leaves a diet of fruit, veg, meat, unsalted nuts, dried fruits, things like that. Anyway...

James Duigan

What I love most about this book is that the information has been broken down so that it's easy to understand. It's been laid out in a way that is non-confusing, presented with colours so that you can tell things apart.

The reason I loved this is because I have a slight photographic memory. If colours are involved, it's a lot easier for me to remember things - I just remember how the content was presented on the page. So this book was easy to swallow and gave tips that I'd never come across before. It made sense, and it was in line with what I heard before from Brian Tracy and other health books I'd read.

This guy HATES sugar! And his argument is so logical that I can see why. I felt queasy about sugar too after reading it, and it got a bit easier to make sure it stayed out of my diet.

Professor Arnold Ehret

This bit gets me every time. It can only really be understood in the context of the book.
'On the outside, the man of today is carefully groomed, perhaps unnecessarily and over carefully clean, while inside he is dirtier than the dirtiest animal - whose anus is as clean as its mouth, provided said animal has not been "domesticated" by "civilised" man'
pg.3 of the Definite Cure of Chronic Constipation / by Prof Arnold Ehret [the internal uncleanliness of man]

(In truth, this makes me a bit less disgusted at my sister's cat licking its butt. Only a bit.)

'Rational Fasting' by Prof. Arnold Ehret is, I must say, one of the more... 'hardcore' regimes I have done, as for most people, it requires a radical life change. For me, not so much as much of what was in the book I was already doing.

Even then, I needed to make fundamental life changes to accommodate it, but the changes i saw in me was incredible. I mean it when I say incredible. My depression lifted, marks on my face cleared up, my singing voice became clearer and stronger, I never had cramps, the scars I've had for years began to fade, I could go on. I was so stunned that all of these things should happen at once, but I was also so overwhelmed with happiness that I was able to keep it going for so long.

I have slipped off in a bad way (This Christmas, I ate a lot of things that I wouldn't have touched last January =/ ) But now I'm starting again. That's my goal for 2014. Oh, and exercise. I am really looking forward to it.

See you on the other side!

Indigo Star. xx

Sunday, 29 December 2013

Mind Numbing... Just What I Needed.

I am getting back on my feet, it's a slow process but isn't it always? I'm just glad that I don't feel as down as I did before. So, overwhelmingly relieved. My Mum can tell. It's making her a bit cheerier, and that makes me even more at peace.

I'm so thankful for the people around me, supporting me at this time. Beyond grateful.


I did some calculations, (looked on the blog archive list :3 ) and in 2012 I made 60 posts. That works out to be, on average, 5 a month. Which is really not that much at all! I remember not posting for ages and then posting a lot at once and then drips and drabs. Gonna try and make it consistent in 2014. I now have seven blogs in total... seven days in the week... catch ma drift...

This year, I posted 53 (I think? Including this?) Posts. I was wondering whether to do 7 more and make it even but - no. Why the heck would I do 7 posts in three days? No dude. No.

This last month has been a bit of a bummer, as I said before I haven't written much of my book. That makes me feel a bit *makes a fart noise*.

And as that's a goal very close to my heart, (buried inside, actually) the two blogs I was posting fiction on (One and Two) are sadly languishing away e_e

The one thing that has been cheering me up beyond measure is reading this manga that I have become obsessed with called Psyren, but Toshiaki Iwashiro. I hate to say it but remembering past phases of my life, I seem to be very happy when I have an unhealthy obsession with something. But look, whatever. It's manga. Manga is awesome.

I will do a review of it when I get the chance, ASAP if I can help it. I ended up reading one more volume than I was meant to, so I'm really excited for the next one and that wasn't meant to happen because it won't be released for another month or something. (e_e) That's cutting the long story short. I think between that and trying to put on motivating music, trying to sing a lot more, things are improving. I say that a lot, here and there, but I've kinda got to. I have to keep trying.

This is the sort of mind-numbing music that's been helping me get by lately. Don't usually listen to much music like this, but there are some times when I can't bear to hear myself think.

Strobe Light - by Andy Heller (SOUNDCLOUD)

Trancesaur - by _ensnare_ (YOUTUBE)

The music from this Anime Dress Up Game ^_^ (GAMES WEBSITE =] )

And all of this upbeat music brings me back to the song that got it all going...

If it's still showing, I got the heart from Glitter Graphics. I LOVED that site when I had a Myspace. Such cute things on there.

I don't know how I feel about New Year's Resolutions. I feel that on one hand, what's the point as they are always strongly linked to goals being broken.

On the other hand, I feel that just being proactive enough to ATTEMPT a change is better than doing nothing. Always. So I'm going to do the same thing I did in Jan 2013, which is change my diet. I am actually very eager for it, because when I did it last January I kept it up for 6 months. It may be one of my proudest achievements ever.

Mata ne.

Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Something happened today at work that really brought me down. I don't want to put the details on my blog, but it made me very very unhappy and my self-esteem feels like zero. It was offensive and really hurt my feelings. However an apology was made. Still though, I kept thinking about it, to the point where I came home feeling very depressed and suicidal. It was hard to stop the tears so I went to bed, but the moment I was asleep I had a nightmare about a friend leading me into a trap where someone tried to kill me, directly after, I had a dream where I was at work and everybody hated me. I will not write these in my dream book.

I am so so grateful that, for once, I decided to confide in my sister, because she gave me some advice and then spend the rest of this evening cheering me up and distracting me and whatnot. At first I couldn't get it out of my mind, and whatever she did my mind kept drifting. But finally, now as I write this, I was able to at least laugh with her and I feel lighter now. This has put me in even better spirits because I was terrified of being still miserable on Christmas day. My Mum would be able to tell and it would ruin it for her. Also I've completely lost my appetite, which is rare, so that might clue her in too. But I think I have the strength to at least fake it now.

I feel very upset still because I feel that it came about from being sluggish and not up to speed lately. It takes me a long to time process what's been said which leads to embarrassing incidents, doing and saying stupid things, being made a fool of by other people. It's really upsetting, because I know I'm not normally like this but I feel stupid and dumb. And worthless. I wish I knew how to get more confidence. I hate to say this, but everything is going wrong. It gets harder to see the bright side of things with each passing day. But I'll just carry on, I guess. Something has to change, eventually.

Monday, 23 December 2013

Pros and Cons of Christmas

Now nobody can say I didn't at least try to look on the bright side.


  • - The Christmas spirit motivates people to act with more kindness.
  • - It encourages giving.
  • - Nationwide celebration of Christmas means it the one time of year I'm guaranteed to be with my family, as there are no other commitments.
  • - Food is a stress relief. it makes you feel good. An abundance of it it very pleasing.
  • - Something to look forward to.


  • - Christmas is also the most stressful time of the year, although it really shouldn't be with all of the pros above. Stress provokes undesirable characteristics such as rudeness and stupidity.
  • - Giving is, in my experience, rarely done for the pleasure of giving and seeing the persons happy response. {When I was a kid, I loved just being able to put a smile on somebody's face.  I would always get asked, why are YOU giving presents? You're a kid! But I didn't want to just receive presents, (especially when I thought about them spending money on me,) I wanted to give too. But other members of the family (namely sisters) want to know that you are 100% happy with the present, become annoyed if you are not, and additionally hold grudges about bad presents or a lack of presents from previous years and use it to determine what they'll buy that year. Pointless shit, basically. [ * ] }
  • - Nationwide celebration encourages national brainwashing. People get the bizarre idea that a good Christmas is an expensive Christmas. Nationwide celebration encourage unnecessary panic and heartache. It is supposed to be a joyous time of year, but the only joyous time seems to be Christmas day, excluding arguments, and it only lasts about 20 hours, depending on when you go to bed. [ ** ]
  • - The excess of food, for me, always causes guilt instead of accepting that it's just a part of Christmas. {When I was young, I always ate 'til I was bursting and it such a horrible feeling. I really hated it, I'd always have to lie down, and it was so uncomfortable. Now I have a bit more sense (just a bit). Last year for the first time, I put TINY amount of everything - by the time I was finished and had had a 1/3 glass of water, I was content. Not full, just content. I was really really glad I wised up.}
  • - As it looms closer, everything thinks about it and does nothing. Then they panic and talk about being disorganised and cause everybody else needless stress.

[ * ] We no longer give presents as a ritual, because too many people in the family were (is the word bitter?) no longer inclined to do it. At the time I agreed, because there was no point with animosity about, but it's kind of a shame. If we could put those issues aside, me included, it would be sweet. Maybe we made too big a deal about the presents. That's almost always it. Last year, when we didn't do presents, it was really cool. We actually had our morning back.

[ ** ] It makes me ache to think about how much Mama spent on food and drinks alone. I know we are a big family. I know she has better experience than me, I know that she's been doing Christmas for decades and I know she's rather have too much food than not enough to feed the family. It always ends up feeding us up until New Year. It just makes me =/ , especially as I've been trying to encourage them all to eat well. Again, I know it'll be over in a week. Just saying.

Men-yu desu.
Kidding. I just mean the menu. XD

I-Spied a leg o' lamb, chicken, potatoes for roasting, Yorkshire puds, Brussel Sprouts and other veggies, veg for the salad, HUGE packs of Macaroni for Mama's famous Macaroni Cheese (famous is our family, anyway =3 ), chicken skewer things & Tempura prawns to snack on. Then we got chocs, after eights & quality street to be precise, shortbread and selection box of biscuits, and other stuff I'm sure I haven't seen (my little brother is a weasel.) Drinks; snowball, mulled wine & KA, which we have pretty much every year, as well as some ginger beer, shloer, and plain juice. Desserts include apple crumble (I love), eve's pudding (Mama & the sissies love), lemon cheesecake, and surprisingly I think that's it. Would've thought a jam roly poly would been on the list but I guess not. I am also under the impression that other members will be bringing bits and bobs.

Man, this Christmas sh** is exhausting... sorry to be a downer but it's true. And of course I was already exhausted. Not much seems to be working. I must need a huge dose of iron cuz I don't think I have much left. I can barely move. If it wasn't for Mama I wouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning =o

If you're in London and on the road, (and reading this,) be careful. The wind out there is alarmingly powerful.

Take care dudes. Have a good Chrimbo, as my friend used to call it.

Star xx

Sunday, 22 December 2013

Seems Like I Threw That Anchor Into The Sea With My Heart Attached

It's taken me a long while to write again, because I didn't know how to piece the words I wanted to say together. I still don't. Wednesday was horrible. It had been a long time since I'd felt so afraid and tired and depressed and exhausted that I had a breakdown, crying incessantly, cutting myself excessively, wondering why I was alive, why I was born, blah blah. S'not like I haven't been there before. Just saying that makes me feel like scum. Sitting here now, I'm getting so sick and tired of these awful, awful days and then looking back and going, oh yeah, had another one of those Kill Me days. Hey, suicide! That seems like a good idea! Why don't I go ahead and ruin my family's life! Maaaaaaaaaaaan. I'm out of ideas, I'm so exhausted, SO EXHAUSTED, I never get enough sleep these days, or else too much. It's like, no matter how much I try to be proactive about getting out of this pit I'm stuck in, now it feels like nothing I does matters. But I don't feel Boo-Hoo about it, just pissed off that I wasn't a stronger person to take control of my destiny. I don't like being shitted on by fate. I know it's something I've done. I know I have to try harder. But I have no energy left, and that makes me very afraid. My mum is so stresses out, my sister said that every time we stress her out like that, we take years off her life. That terrified me to the point of tears. That I could be responsible for my mothers death. I want to help her so badly, but I don't know what else to do, I really and truly don't. I don't trust anti-depressants, and that's all my Doc can do for me, so why bother with the GP? I'd rather be dead than take pills. I realise that it's a terrible thing to say. But for anybody to understand why I feel that way, I'd have to start from the beginning, and when I had a break-down at work and had to explain it to my supervisors, it took a long time for them to get why I was so afraid.

Said this before but as long as I'm alive I'll never stop trying. It's just getting so hard right now. I can't change anything unless I can get better sleep, I can't get better sleep unless I stop with this binge eating, stopping binge-eating is a challenge as I do it BECAUSE I feel so down. Vicious circle. Weakest point seems to be the eating, I'll smash the thing to pieces from there.

There, blog vomit, as I promised myself.

Also did a bullshit boo-hoo ranty vlog for the first time ever. Nobody on this living earth with ever see it.

Typos are no longer my issue, I will never read this again.

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

El guerrero Pegaso by Boris Esteban Bernal Castillo.

El guerrero Pegaso
Author: Boris Esteban Bernal Castillo.

Read Here at: http://borisestebitanbernalcastillo.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/el-guerrero-pegaso_13.html

Mis alas de Pegaso me hacen volar alto,
Mi espíritu brilla como nunca,
Los rostros de maldad ya no me dan miedo,
Porque yo creo en mi propia luz.

Valentía y perseverancia,
Ardo en esperanza,
Es tiempo de resplandecer entre las estrellas.

Tengo fe, todavía tengo mucho por aprender,
No me despediré sin antes cumplir mis sueños,
Tengo coraje, todavía tengo batallas por luchar,
No me rendiré sin antes demostrar mi valor.

¿Por qué llorar pensando en lo que he perdido?,
Todos tenemos un pequeño universo por dentro,
Podemos hacer estallar el poder de nuestra alma,
Yo expandiré mi universo por toda la galaxia.

Creer en mí mismo, seguir adelante,
Mi verdadero poder siempre ha estado en el corazón.

Tengo ilusión, quiero sentir el viento de la felicidad,
No diré adiós sin antes agotar mi última gota de esperanza,
Tengo una mirada desafiante, necesito llegar hasta el final,
No me frenaré, esto es importante para mí.

Amor propio y sacar fuerzas de la nada,
Lograr una hazaña cuando todo parece perdido.

Tengo luz interna, meteoros llenos de nobles sentimientos,
Seguiré volando hasta superar mis debilidades,
Tengo ganas de ser feliz, reuniré todo mi poder para conseguirlo,
Todos los meteoros se unen para formar un cometa de Pegaso.

English Translation (according to Google Translate):

My Pegasus wings make me fly higher ,
My spirit shines as never before,
The faces of evil no longer scare me ,
Because I believe in my own light .

Courage and perseverance,
Ardo in hope,
Time to shine among the stars.

I have faith , I still have much to learn ,
I do not take leave without fulfilling my dreams,
I am angry , I still have battles to fight,
I will not give up without prove my worth .

Why mourn thinking about what I lost ? ,
We all have a little world within,
We can blow up the power of our soul ,
I will expand my universe throughout the galaxy .

Believing in myself , go ahead ,
My real power has always been at the heart .

I have hope , I feel the wind of happiness
I will not say goodbye without first exhausting my last drop of hope
I have a defiant look , I need to get to the end ,
I 'll brake No , this is important to me.

Self-esteem and draw strength from nothing,
Achieving a feat when all seems lost .

I have inner light , meteor full of noble sentiments ,
I will continue flying to overcome my weaknesses ,
I want to be happy , I will gather all my power to get it,
All meteors come together to form a comet Pegasus .

I love this poem so much.

Naturally I did have to translate it to understand but after reading it in English I was stunned. It's so beautiful and uplifting and generally a very happy poem. It makes me feel really happy.
Please check out Boris' blog!

Me .

Monday, 16 December 2013

Black Cosplayers? Cosplaying For Black People?

I don't usually talk about race, but I was thinking about cosplaying for next year's Comic Con and I thought... hold on a minute... who the heck do I go as?

I'll be honest with ya, this one had me stuck. Either I'm ignorant, or there really aren't very many black heroines to choose from when it comes to Cosplaying.

I mean, yeah, there's Storm, of course. But how many black girls must cosplay Storm?! And I can't cosplay as Storm EVERY TIME. Cosplaying Halle Berry's Catwoman is a bit of a cheat because the original depiction of Selina Kyle in the comics is white. So... ? Does anybody have any ideas? Am I gonna have to make the male black characters female to cosplay them? Or am I gonna have to write a couple books, get a couple black heroines famous so I can cosplay one?

Or can I only cosplay aliens? (Gonna be covered by makeup anyway.)

Maybe I'll just start a list here and I can come back and add to it when necessary.
World Of Black Superheroes has loads of ideas too.

Man, I need to create some black heroines.

Friday, 6 December 2013


Instead of thinking;
Another year of wisdom I've learned for laters years,

I think;
Another year wasted, another year closer to the day I die. I'm afraid. I'm running out of time.

Star .

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

Bit By Bit

I'm am so grateful for all of the support around me, friends, family, counsellors, those at my university, etc. SO grateful, words will never describe. So relieved to know that even if they can't understand me, they do really and truly care about me, and want to see me improve because they believe I can recover.

I'm so, so lucky, because some people don't have the amount of people support them that I do. I'm scared of letting all of them down, though I'm determined not to. I want to show them I can be strong, maybe I could even be an inspiration. It would make me beyond happy if I could help someone else get out of the place I am. Or I'll be saying then - the place I've been.

I try to live by the Abraham Hicks philosophy.

Life doesn't start when my dreams come true, or when my future partner (ha, joke) turns up in my life or when I move into that dream house or whatever it is I'm aiming for, it's right now, I'm living it right now. I often ask myself, what can I do to be happy right now? If I'm really in that dark place, I'll sardonically think 'kill myself', but more often than not I'll actually take it seriously and try to do something that makes me smile. Not even laugh, just smile. It's a start.

It can be tough trying to climb my way up bit by bit, but just for those moments where I am relieved that the pressure has been taken off my mind, I am thankful. It is scary though, because when every so often, that haunting depression comes back, I start to believe that I will never shake it off.

But I think one day I will. I'm starting to turn the different areas of my life around slowly, and although I crash and burn (a lot) I will alway pray that, in the end, I can hold on to the feeling of how wonderful it is to be alive.


How Many Times? How Many Times?

I have been to counselling, I've been to my doctor, I've been to the Health Centre at my university, I've been to see my course leader, over the space of 15 months with a huge gap in between.

I've spoken to a close friend, my Mum, and other friends know tiny details here and there.

I've been recommended to the university Chaplain, to the Student Space Mental Health worker, to a psychotherapist, to my personal tutor. How many more people must I open my heart to? How long does this go on?

I didn't want this to happen. I don't want to be remembered as the one who fell apart. Me me me, the secret nutcase, the one who lives in her head to escape the real world, as Yanamari, as Karalan, as Jean, as Clear, as Kaede - then I return to this shithole-society, as S.K., as Shay, as Ashana Lian, as Isha K, because nothing is ever clear and there is never one of me. I can't cope being just one. It's like some part of me has to compensate for being a Nothing, so it makes multiples. Whatever, man. Whatever. Just give up.

Aren't all of the geniuses of the world basically insane? It would be great if in my mind was a hidden genius, but it seems like I just got the 'crazy' side of things and now I have to make do. I am scared. My siblings and Mama are getting hit by depression too. How do I help them? What do I do?

For now, I'll sing.


Born To Be Alone

I am scared to speak what's on my mind because of the fear of being misunderstood. But I don't want to be alive any longer. Why not die on my birthday?


Friday, 15 November 2013

Battlegame Forfeit Oneshot: THE COORDINATOR

I'm a bit embarrassed about posting this. I didn't realise my writing style had changed so much. Anywhoo. GOTTA DO THIS. I gotta get through this. *sings Daniel Bedingfield*

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

Today, My Dad Said,

"I wanted to have success so that my family would be with me. Now I have found it, my family aren't with me."

That's a big reason for finding success for me too. So my family could be together and not have to worry. I'd never for a moment thought that it might not go that way, that it might be what they want, or even that life might take a different turn if I do get successful. So then, am I doing it for me alone? Who am I doing it for? What am I striving for?

Why does his bug me all the time? I'm so confused. Life is confusing.

Star .

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Psychosis Nightmare

I have a lot to write and not much time, I'm just gonna bash it all out. Fuck grammar, fuck typos, lets do this.

Friday, 8 November 2013

Hofesh Shechter's "Sun" (Review? I guess?) =]

You know, there were some parts when people in the audience laughed, and I didn't find it funny at all.

I saw it as a political piece.

But let's go from the beginning; I saw the 1st November performance, it was last Friday. I've finally got around to writing it. Different thoughts have crossed my mind about this piece and it took me a long while to empty it all out. It's occurred to me that I've seen a bucketload of contemporary Dance even though I'm only 20. Hopefully that means I'm not just chatting garbage. I suppose it helps that, studying English Literature at university, I am used to analysing and interpreting works of art to death.

I went with my sister (teaches Dance A Level at college), her colleague, and her colleague's partner, so although it was a 'fun' outing, they were already familiar with Hofesh Shechter's work, they'd seen Political Mother, so they had a certain expectation on going to see Sun.

Okay then.

The beginning confused me. I liked the spontaneity but I was a little anxious as I felt that I was waiting for something. It was episodic and the movement came in snippets, which left me on the edge of my seat waiting for a chunk of choreography that would satisfy me. I felt like (dunno why, but, I felt like) dancers were portraying something that was being repressed. Just my feeling.

I LOVED the part where the dancers were all on one side of the stage in a cluster, no music, simply gestures all done in perfect timing with each other. At some point I was going in my mind 'Oh my God! That's amazing! Somebody MUST be leading! Who's leading?!' That was awesome.

The choreography is soooo lovely, you can see all sorts of fusions and influences, really interesting gestures, and there was such a freedom in the movement, like a release, and so complete and whole that even now I can't be sure that that was A. the style of the dancers', B. Hofesh Shechter's particular choreography and style, or C. my feeling as a result of the atmosphere of the piece, combined with lighting, music, costume, so on.


(well not really...)

the sheep/wolf - girl/guy - victim/threat scene, it was excellent but the moment I saw it I knew THIS was, for me, the symbolic climax of the piece, the fact that it returned various times with themes made me feel that even stronger. I felt as if the population, citizens of a nation, they are the sheep. Or should I say, WE are the sheep. The nation. The people. I don't think any Presidents or Ministers will be reading this so I think I can include anybody reading (if anybody does) as the sheep. Sorry. S'what I felt.

Still figuring out what the threat is... I suppose that's why in a way I hated it. The uncertainty made me wary. And afraid. The music had me completely on edge and during the blackout when the music is deafening and terrifying, my heart was racing and I felt really terrified in my chair, and I felt threatened.

I suddenly remembered the music shopping in Primark today and my mild mood disappeared, I just wanted to go home. ANYWAY. Though while I was looking up symptoms of severe depression, I think I saw Irrational Fears listed so i should have seen it coming. My sudden overwhelming fears of monsters in the dark, coupled with my nightmares, probably contributed to that feeling at the show last Friday. Yesterday, I kept imagining the music and then imaging an angel wrapping it wings protectively around me, but then the angel would have sharp teeth like a monster and start biting into my neck and tearing chunks out. Fuck. Damn. I went to see a mental wellbeing institute after that, thank God.


Why were people laughing? I don't understand that behaviour. I didn't see anything funny. I felt like shouting, 'Can't you see it?! Can't you see the symbolism?! It's all there! And it's not exactly funny!'

Some parts were funny, the way the sheep placard was being moved by the dancer, turning around and doing all sorts of stuff, but then for example, when the victim comes face to face with the threat and there's a scream, I think the second time round with the girl there was some laughter, and I kind of couldn't believe that people were laughing when I was scared out of my wits, but again maybe it was just me, maybe I didn't 'get' it. Horrible.

At one point, the dancer in the coat twin-tailed coat-thing was screaming, and another male dancer before that I'm pretty sure, a few chuckles at that too. My first thought on seeing it was a frustration, bordering on insanity, so I didn't find it funny becauuuuse as I'd spent a great deal of last week having panic attacks, I felt more or less exactly like that. Maybe people just laughed out of their awkwardness. Children also do that when they see 'weird dancing'.

So, the dancer in the white coat. I felt that he was a... guide, leader, composer, creator, choreographer of some kind, trying to gain a sense of control. But control was in a tug of war with mental stability. The more control he got, the less sane he seemed to be. The less control he got... okay weeeell, maybe that theory doesn't work :3

I loved the marching. It looked fantastic on the stage, very uniform and neat and tidy. You know I like neat and tidy =]

The girls in their underwear made me feel awkward. I was like, 'Oh wait, is something gonna happen? What's gonna happen?' and I'm not sure what the choice for that was. It worked only to a point I think. Something was being revealed but I didn't know what, so it was lost on me... sorry. Maybe because I'm female. I dunno.

Okay, now my FAVOURRRITE part =D

A particular dancer was onstage, in the center, looking up at a lone light. Then there's blackout and the next moment he's circling his arms in the air and following the light's movement, as if he's entranced or worshipping it, then he moved to the front corner of the stage and seemingly meditates. That entire bit was trancelike for me.

We talked about the piece a long while afterwards, I liked hearing the opinions of the other three, there were some things we all agreed on, and other points... not. I think Hofesh Shechter's Q and A at the end helped it to make a bit more sense. I felt a lot like there was glimpses of hope as well as pure terror in the piece. I really like the style, though some parts of the piece was baffling to me... yyyeah.

Ahhh oh yyyeahhh... the 'sun'...

We had a debate about that too. It seemed like a glimmer of hope but... BUT...?! It wasn't a HAPPY sun! It was like a dying sun, blissful and beautiful but bittersweet and just not... all good. It's like waiting for that moment of optimism that he was talking about, but when it finally comes, it's not as perfect as it should have been, there's this ongoing, dark note that persists throughout. Bah. Hm. =/ But it was such a good piece =D

Anyway that was just a snapshot, wanted to write what I remembered before I forgot... my sister is determined to go back and see it again in the Spring, if my crazy mindset lifts, I'll probably go with her. I want to, but man, how that sheep-wolf bit scared me. When I set her the email, I thinks she thought I was joking, she actually had to hear my voice on the phone and then the penny dropped, she was pretty shocked. So am I. Dunno what's wrong with me. I'm glad I'm getting help now. I do need to go to shows more often and get out more though...

Man does life suck. =P

Star. xx
P.S. They may be typos ^ but I don't care. teehee c:

Saturday, 2 November 2013

I Will Find Peace

...of course, as life goes on.

Sometimes I read things in the news that breaks my heart. But I have to find a way to not be attached to those awful things. It's so easy to get sucked in for them to prey on my mind for days, weeks, sometimes months. I'm learning to let them go. Otherwise how can I try to aim for my own happiness if I'm constantly empathising with somebody else's pain?

I need to find a spiritual healer, maybe look into NLP, CBT, meditation, SOMETHING. I'm looking into it now.


Friday, 1 November 2013

I'm Really Sorry

It's hard to explain over the phone. It's rare I will be honest over the phone. It's rare I will be honest anyway, no use if you can't do anything about it.

I have realised that when I am REALLY low, I can explain what I mean much better by writing than talking, which is the reason for this. I did this with my friend the other day and it was much better than choking over the phone.

Also, using blog instead of email so that I can put it together with the others and mark my 'progress', also so I don't have to repeat myself... which I may have to anyway because I don't really tell you anything soo.

Several thoughts were on my mind yesterday. First, the fact that I hadn't been able to stick to my schedule got me down. For example, I'd planned to do the assignments for those modules I told you about and haven't been able to, I haven't practised any Japanese, I haven't done any reading, etc. So that made me very upset because it's like, if I'd known I wouldn't achieve anything, I might as well have just relaxed properly and done nothing. Instead I've been stressed all week, intending to do something the next day and never being able to because something ALWAYS comes up, and what I haven't achieved is constantly on my mind. Moving on.

Next, I think I told you about my sleep, but lately I've been having nightmares whenever I go to sleep. On top of sometimes not being able to sleep, sometimes I'm too on edge to just lie down and not panic, especially if my mind is in a dark place but I'll talk about that later. Like I said just now I've been in bed most of today, both times when I feel asleep I've had dreams although they haven't been as bad as some I've had recently. They weren't nice though. Both were about me killing a lot of people or myself (or trying) or else witnessing it.

Next, the reason why I really wanted to see someone is because I've been cutting myself again, a lot, I wouldn't call it cutting though because I have a pin instead of a knife (which Mama took away) so this time it doesn't bleed but its the same motion, blahhwhatever. The reason why is because I was really overwhelmed but what I was feeling, will explain more later, and I was having something that I can only really describe as panic attacks, I'm not sure, I hoped to see someone today and talk about it but now I'm not, will explain LAAATER.... and also I was doing it because when I feel like I'm about to fall apart, the pain of it really helps to calm me down, plus in perspective emotional pain becomes less intense compared to the immediate physical pain, alsooo it makes lots of little ridges in my skin and when I run my thumb across it the day after, it kind of has a nice feeling and calms me down. Yeah. BUT, what I wanted to say, waass, that.. [sorry forgot for a min] was that I don't really feel like going anymore because although they try their best I don't think they're going to help me. I'm not in the mood to have the option of anti-depressants shoved in my face. I don't have much faith or confidence that they will do anything significant, and although I was desperate yesterday, its faded a bit now so I don't think I will.

So the 'overwhelmed by what I was feeling' & 'mind in a dark place', this is a bit harder to describe but I will try.

As you know I often have phase of feeling insecure, inferior, etc, I get stressed by Uni, I get stressed by pretty much anything, the more time passes, the greater my fear of certain things get. Sometimes I feel like, and this will sound silly, but that I have no future, I can never estimate where I will be in X years because from a spiritual point of view, I feel as if my lifeline ends sometime within three years. This feeling has gotten stronger in the last 2-3 months. I feel really ooold. Honestly. Even though I'm 20, lol. The last ten years, looking back, feel like decades now. I have old-fashioned ideals anyway, but I don't see myself being very adaptable to the future. I don't want to see myself at 40. I don't have high hopes for where either I will be or the world around me will be. I often don't think of suicide as in giving up but more because I don't want to be here, I really don't want to be here, I feel surrounded by monsters and fucking idiots. I suppose because I am afraid, but we've covered that already.

I am constantly looking for methods to bring my mood up, I think about what people my age or generally what other people do, and I know 'other people' is accounting for over six billion people, I suppose I mean the Western stereotypes. Say for example they might go out clubbing or cinema or watch a movie or go to a restaurant or play computer games maybe, or draw or paint or just watch TV, or drink alcohol or do drugs, and as you know, I don't like to do ANY of those things. Doing them doesn't make me happy, not doing them doesn't make me happy, I'm a bit stuck, being an anomaly.

As for the thing I do like doing =/ I have dreams and things for the future, I really hope to find a way to bring in extra income to help the family, but, the way I am feeling brings it all to a halt. I haven't really been able to write or do my music (time), or read spiritual or health books (no time) or meet friends or family (money or time) or do anything that I really like, so I'm constantly distressed. Some days I don't feel so bad, and I try to hold onto that by playing some music or... whatever, I don't really know wtf I do, I seem to pass hours doing jack all.

Because of my eyes hurting, I can only read/use the computer for a limited amount of time. Reading and using my laptop is REQUIRED for my course, so it makes studying a pain. Sleeping, covered. My energy is always low. Eating, my eating has been bad so that's adding to the problem no doubt. Mama brought up a smoothie today so good start I guess, trying to erase two months of deviance.

So like I said, the hardest part is figuring out which part of the never-ending cycle I should attack first, because I think that would make the rest unravel, but it's not happening. Which is why I thought I should see someone.

There's lots more to say about it, about for example the dark thoughts I'm having or the fact that I'm considering dropping out of university or changing university, and that I've thought about leaving my job too (the moneyy, I need the moneyyy!)

...but I feel tired just writing the above, I'm sue you'll feel the same reading, my head is hurting looking at the screen as well so maybe another time.

I'm definitely coming to the show though, just let me know what time to meet you. I need to get out of this house.


Tuesday, 29 October 2013

This World Makes Me Sick, I Wish I Was Dead.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm writing this for.

I have a Thoughtbook that I write my moods in as well, but this blog is no less private than that book. Why do I keep writing on here?

Maybe in my mind, as this blog is public, I'm hoping that either somebody can give me the answers I need or else one of my many many tested methods of trying to improve my mood will work for somebody else out there. I really hope so. I am so fucking tired of repeating the same old shit, and not entirely sure what else I can do. Anyone reading this blog must be weary to see me back at the same dark spot over and over. I know I haven't yet tried everything, but I've tried so much that I'm mentally exhausted.

Also, my conscious efforts to stay positive were reinforced by the realisation that my depression has a knock-on effect on Mama, and seeing her cry scares the crap out of me. She's a tough cookie to me. I hate seeing her so helpless.

I've been obsessed with Beyond: Two Souls lately. Usually when I'm obsessed with something, it's a happy distraction from daily life. However. Beyond: Two Souls is possibly the darkest story I have ever been obsessed with, so as much as I love it, it's actually bringing my mood down. I am wondering if that fact that it made me think so hard about the human condition is what brought my depression back so fast.

Today was an awful, awful day. A few different things happened that would have technically made it a bad day, but bad days, compared to my Black Moods (depression) don't phase me anymore. I can shrug of minor unfortunate events. But I'm gonna write it anyway, hoping that a coping technique will jump out at me as I do...

I went to university to get some research done, and on the way I did some foo shopping, not really thinking it through. I ended up filling the bag I brought to carry the library books with more shopping than I actually needed. Never mind. At the university library, the bag broke. Strike one. I had to find a way to carry that and I hadn't even got the books yet. That didn't bother me as much as it could have. I thought, 'Well never mind, I'll tuck the book under my arm, the walk to the bus stop is only 5-10 minutes'. PLUS the bus stop was end of the line so it would be empty when I got on.

When I got to the stop, I saw that the bus was one of the older models buses and for some reason I groaned inwardly but I don't know why. The older buses kinda feel dirty, but that might just be my OCD, I'm sure they do clean it. Funnily enough, I think my reaction prompted later events.

It took ages before the bus was ready to let on passengers, I think because the buses behind it were late. I got on, no prob, then three fifths of the way home we got caught in traffic. As it was taking so long, there were loads of people waiting at every stop, making the journey take longer. Four fifths of the way home, the bus broke down. An just-under-an-hour-journey became almost two hours. And of course I was juggling an armful of books and (broken) bagful of shopping. In my mind, I was like 'okay, this shit happens, fine, get over it.' but my arms were starting to ache from all the waiting and I was aware that I was running out of revision time.

Skipping the rest, when I got home, I had to spend ages tidying up my room so that I could even bloody walk in it, let alone get together my revision stuff; Friday I put all the stuff to sell on ebay in my room, I work weekends, Monday I was out, so today it was a complete tip. MUCH better when I finished but then it was half-two, and I was already feeling exhausted. I hadn't studied all day and at that point I felt a little blue, and I have no idea why because a that point it didn't feel like a 'bad day'.

But then it got a lot worse. For some reason, Unpleasant thoughts began to resurface in my mind and I couldn't get rid of them. Lately they've been such a problem that I listen to music to get to sleep, but at that time it wasn't working. So I got back up and watched some Pewdiepie videos to cheer me up but my mind was so wrecked that I rarely found myself laughing, then all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't control myself anymore, I started shaking and crying and feeling really afraid. It was as if it was uncontrollable. I felt beyond help.

I stayed up, clearing out my email and doing things I never seemed to have time for until my eyes hurt too much to continue. I read one of the books for my course, George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, which I'd been wanting to read for ages so I thought that would lift my spirits. Wrong. There's a part in the book, only a few pages in, that made me feel SO. SICK. I don't think it would have affected me so strongly if I hadn't felt the way I'd been feeling. I would have been disturbed, yeah... my actual thoughts were 'What the fuck is wrong with this author? Do men actually think this? Fuck. Fuck this. This world sucks. I don't want to be a part of it. Get me out of here.' These are usually the thoughts that make me wish I was dead. I feel so tired. I kinda want to cop out. Obviously I don't tell people that, just put my head down and get on, that's what you do.

So clearly, that particular part hit a nerve in me and I didn't want to read it anymore. I'm wondering if I can get by this module without reading it at all. That particular bit I read had really fucked my mind up. It's now an addition to the thoughts circling my head. Then I went to bed and put music in my ears to drown out my thoughts. I went to sleep - I won't say 'thankfully' which is what I'd like to say, because I had this fucking crazy nightmare, which I KNOW is because of all of these thoughts I'm having. I won't go into details but my Dad was in it, and I woke up feeling shaken and very very sad.

So when I got up, my Black Mood had returned. As I'm writing now, I just realised that I didn't even think of cutting myself which is the usual solution. That definately a plus, but now I know I need to see someone quickly. I've been avoiding this for so long since the last one. I'm dreading it.

I feel as if I haven't just gone in a circle, I've ended up in a worse place than before. I really have no idea what to do. I can't write my book when I'm feeling like this. I have NO IDEA what to do.

But people have fought their way out of this, so I've got to as well. Do or die, right?

Anywhoo. Life goes on. I'll find something. Play loud music to drown my thoughts. Find happy stuff to do. I'm sorry if there's typos, but I don't have the heart to read everything I just wrote again. I'm sure you'll live.

First thing tomorrow, I need to make some phone calls.


Thursday, 17 October 2013

Ellie Goulding Concert @ Hammersmith Apollo 2013

I'm so shattered that I can't give an account that would do the performance justice. In all honesty, I'm so bloody shattered I can't give any bloody account of anything.





I'll try to write something tomorrowwwwwww


Saturday, 28 September 2013

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

WHAT THE FLUCK have Disney done to Cinderella?

Plastic surgery, it seems, she's now about ten years younger and ten times uglier. Y'know Disney, mature beauty is a nice thing to aspire to sometimes. Just saying.




A CLOSER LOOK AT THIS MESS (and a new hairdo - ?!)

Okay, I'm going over the top. The new Cindy isn't that bad, really. I just don't like seeing things change that had no problems in the first place. Like, why. That's the question here. WHY.


Necessary? Not really.

'BLONDE' IN THE 1950's

I'll stick with this.


Star xx

Thursday, 19 September 2013

Summer Reading

I made it my goal to read books that I wanted to read over the summer, because my friend Jellybean was telling me about how she only reads books for her degree now (she takes Creative Writing) and I thought, if I did that, I would die. Okay, no. Dramatic, but I certainly would fall out of love with reading, so I rekindled [no pun, I don't have a kindle] my love for books. Yaaay.

I don't really give a duck about the great divide between 'literature' and 'teen reading'.... I've great so many so-called 'classics' (Wuthering Heights was AWFUL) and teen reads let me relax and transport myself, instead of focussing hard on the themes and literary devices. Teens reads are fun. At work, the teen reads are now separated into Teenage and Young Adult, which makes a lot of sense because some of those books... I'm telling you... not for kids. Have you READ the Hunger Games? That shit is DARK! So many deaths! I'm tellin you!

Surprisingly, I didn't read a great many science fiction or fantasy books, because I was writing my book (still am) and its fantasy, so I didn't want to be too heavily influenced.

From May to September 2013, COMPLETELY unrelated to my English Lit Degree, I read:
- The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
- Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
- Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
- How To Plot Your Novel by Jean Saunders
- Magician by Raymond E. Feist
- Lizka And Her Men by Alexander Ikonnikov
- Before I Go To Sleep by S J Watson
- My Name Is Anne, She Said, Anne Frank by Jacqueline Van Maarsen
- The Fast Track Detox Diet by Ann Louise Gittleman
- The Angel's Game by Carloz Ruiz Zafon
- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
- The Kingmaker's Daughter by Phillipa Gregory
- The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas
- Broken Homes by Ben Aaranovitch
- The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho
- The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie by Murial Sparks

Books I started and didn't finish for whatever reason
- 11.22.63 by Stephen King
- Defeat Depression: 52 Brilliant Ideas for Healing a Troubled Mind by Sabina Dosani
- The Gone Away World by Nick Harkaway
- Reamde by Neal Stephenson
- A Little Light on Spiritual Laws by Diana Cooper

Currently Reading
- The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood

I'll try to keep them short.
The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
It's been a long time coming. I'd been recommended to read this years ago when I was writing a story called Battlegame Forfeit, which was, I can now admit with shame, straight off flipped from Battle Royale. But it was fun. ^_^ It's an incredibly well thought-out story, I read the whole series in two days and felt empty when it was done. Dystopian novel often make me feel that way, when written well. (See The Handmaid's Tale below.)

How To Plot Your Novel by Jean Saunders
I didn't like it.

Magician by Raymond E. Feist
MY FAVOURITE FANTASY BOOK - EVAAAR! Can't even remember how many times I've read this. Actually... this might be the second... or third O_O it's a huge book.

Lizka And Her Men by Alexander Ikonnikov
This. Was. Hilarious. I liked this view on life in general, even though it did feel kinda bleak and made me wonder what my own life was for. But that's not saying much because a lot of books say that.

Before I Go To Sleep by S J Watson
Seriously thrilling, an enjoyable read, although basically like the film Momento. I'd recommend.

My Name Is Anne, She Said, Anne Frank by Jacqueline Van Maarsen
This book is so well written that it was hard to remember that this is a retelling of actual events, not a fictional story. It's heartwarming and heart-wrenching at the same time. Just INCREDIBLE. Everybody read this!

The Fast Track Detox Diet by Ann Louise Gittleman
I already knew much of what was in this book, which reassured me that I hadn't previously been reading a bunch of lies! Informative and really helpful. That said, I haven't done it yet...

The Angel's Game by Carloz Ruiz Zafon
Everything this man writes is PHENOMENAL. One of my favourite authors, I love all of his books, I hate how once I'm hooked, I just can't put them down. I love how they interconnect, I love the twists and turns that you didn't see coming. Every book takes you on an adventure so far from the original premise that I'm always thinking about it for days. About to read The Prisoner Of Heaven now.

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
I really liked this, both as a story to entertain and a story with a moral. But even more from Paulo Coelho, I liked...  (see below)

The Kingmaker's Daughter by Phillipa Gregory
Loved this. Couldn't stop thinking about it for ages - went and bought the whole set afterwards, couldn't help it. The cover for The White Princess is so beautiful! (How nice would it be to be that beautiful?!) At work, I also saw that she has a non-fiction book about the history behind the Cousins War series. I think I'll buy that. (I really, really disliked the Kingmaker - the actual character, that is. A manipulative sod.)

The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas
I hate trashing other people's work, because their baby is still their baby. But this was one of, if not THE worst and most misleading book I have ever 'read', and I say 'read' because at parts it was too graphic for me to read without my stomach turning. All of the characters talk in this vulgar, aggressive way that, yeah, I can take from one character - Hector. But from all of them? really? Does every single one of them naturally use the word 'cunt'? Really? That's just poor character development. I thought we were dealing with a sociological issue here, I thought it was about the CHILD, Hugo - not about various affairs and sex lives of scandalous adults. I wondered why the friend I lent it to 'finished' it so quickly. She's fast, but not that fast.

I feel bad for dissing, but just how I felt. My personal opinion. If at least there was a story to follow that wasn't just about self gratification, I could have appreciated that. Or at least, self-gratification with a moral, at LEAST, so I wouldn't get to the end and think 'what was the point in this entire novel?' Hugo wasn't the story, he was the subplot.

Broken Homes by Ben Aaranovitch
I've been following the story, and although it was slower to get going than the previous novels, and I felt more could have been tied in from earlier in the series, it left me on a high. I'm waiting eagerly for the next one.

The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho
Amazing. My favourite book by him so far. Better than Alchemist ^ It's enlightening and really makes you question what you want out of life. You can take it as a simple story, or as moral or spiritual guidance, just like The Alchemist. It's up to the reader. I like that.

The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Sparks
I thought this book was really funny, but it spells things out at times when it didn't need to and it's quite repetitive. All in all, a good read. I picked it up because I'd read Loitering With Intent and really liked it. I refer L.W.I.

Unfinished books...

11.22.63 by Stephen King
Great beginning. I'd read The Shining recently and was noticing a lot of parallels between the books, from concepts right down to names (pretty sure there's an Al in each) But when the adventure actually began (he goes back in time for real) I got bored and it no longer kept my attention. It's on my shelf, I'll try and read it again at half-term or Christmas.

Defeat Depression: 52 Brilliant Ideas for Healing a Troubled Mind by Sabina Dosani
Reading this made me feel more depressed than I was already, so I can only read this when I feel happy, which is why I'm still only two chapters in after buying this months ago. Ironically, the more time passes without me reading it, the worse my depression gets. I'm going to have to bite the bullet soon because I'm losing it.

The Gone Away World by Nick Harkaway
Given to me by a friend as a present. There's one fundamental problem why I'm struggling to get through the first chapter. I can't picture anything. At all. Descriptions of setting are lacking to the point where I can't see where anyone is or put the action in a location, so out of context, things don't make sense. The similes are a bit disjointed from what they are describing. I'M STRUGGLIN. It could just be me though, I skim over words when I'm bored. I'm going to try again. Also, the blurb doesn't tell me what this story is actually about so I'm not sure what I should be expecting. Not gonna lie, I'm doubtful. =/

Reamde by Neal Stephenson
I loved the idea of this, and I love the way it's written? The thing is, whenever I'm reading it, I get stuck in, but whenever I put it down, it's never the next book I pick up again. I kinda have to force myself to do it, which isn't great and I can't explain why because I like the book. Maybe the action isn't picking up fast enough. Also, it is a HUGE book. I haven't seen a book that huge since Les Mis, or Dance of Dragons in hardback.

A Little Light on Spiritual Laws by Diana Cooper
Religion and spirituality and what I'm meant to be doing in this life and what it all means and what I should believe in - are things that I'm very unsure about right now. So I'm reading this, but I'm nervous, fearful, skeptical, and I feel like I'm unworthy to be reading such obviously ascended knowledge that I never seem to be able to put into good use. So its at the bottom of my drawer with a bookmark in it.

Currently Reading
The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Scrap that, I finished it today. this book is SOOOOO GOOD. I felt so aimless after reading it though, but not in a depressed way, it an breathless, lost in thought kind of way. In terms of dystopian novels, I don't know why this isn't talked about as much as the Hunger Games, though this was published in 1985. I love it because it distorts ideas on love, marriage, sex, religion, women as people vs. women as objects, class divide and all sorts of fundamental aspects of society and human nature. I feel like it touches every angle of life that I have very lately been thinking and worrying about. It's a reminder of all the good and all the bad that a society like ours can spew up, compared to the Totalitarian society portrayed in The Handmaid's Tale.

The Epilogue was the real mindf-k. I had really thought it was real, but something about the way the Professor spoke about the story sounded strange, so I want back; date of transcript, 2195. Ha ha, Margaret Atwood. You tricked me again. This book is amazing.

Back to Uni on Monday. I'm hoping getting back into the swing of things will help take my mind away from things that are frightening or disturbing me right now. You've heard it said a million times, but the thought of suicide is really persistent. The truth is, I'm really scared, but I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what to do. I don't trust anyone.

Star xx
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...