Friday, 18 January 2013

Gloves: You Are Not Worthy

So as usual, people are fucking gassing and getting excitable about the fact that it's snowed (I'm in London and that only happens once a year, if at all). My sister said some people's facebook statuses are like, "Having fun playing in the snow hahayaysmileyface !!! ", reminding me why I deactivated mine in the first place. (Ironically, now the search bar at the top of facebook has disappeared, which has pissed us both off immensely.)

The snow wasn't that fun when it was blowing in my face and freezing my fingers off.

Yeah, although I am thrilled that it has snowed, and I stood for ages watching it fall and swirl outside my window, I did have to go out in it this morning when me and my Mum figured that it would be too cold and icy to go anywhere over the weekend (the gov don't put enough salt down on the pavements so it's really dangerous. People normally walk in the road, if it's a residential street) so we stocked up on food, hahaha. Anyway.

So I thought I'd share my Glove Pain. I have about seven or eight pairs of gloves, none of which keep my hands particularly warm while wearing them outside, for flip's sake.

1. Okay. So. These are my reliable Nike Keystone gloves that are soo, so warm, cost me £20. At the time (5/6 years ago) I bought them for style, but little did I know that they would be the most efficient gloves I'd ever owned.

So about 2 years ago, I lost them. This REALLY irked me, not just because they were £20, not just because they were my best gloves, but because I hardly ever lose my things, yet I'd just lost something that was really good and pretty rare.

2 & 3. So I was forced to start wearing (again) these crappy knitted ones from Primark which probably cost a pound; they have fingerless black gloves outside normal, puke-green ones. I normally wear the black ones indoors when my hands are cold but I need my fingers free. I wear the nasty green ones when I'm inside and my hands are cold, full stop, because if my hands are that cold, I don't give a f- what they look like.

4. I found (actually, may have 'borrowed' these off my Mum) these thick black knitted ones, which were perfect for the weather leading up to this snow, save that they're not touch screen. But they're useless now.

5. About a few weeks ago, I finally got my touch-screen gloves ^ from china on ebay, and they work fine, feel quite good, even have a grip on the palm for bike riders - but they are not warm against the snow. At all. After seeing my oldest brother doubling his gloves up, I had a stroke of genius...

6. ... and bought thinner, crappier touch-screen gloves to wear under the other touch screen gloves. When I wore them out this morning, instead of keeping the cold out, my hands froze, and - listen to the joke, now - when I got back in my Mum's warm car, they actually INSULATED THE COLD and kept my hands colder than the rest of my body. When I took off the gloves, my hands warmed in seconds. So how the hell can they insulate cold and NOT HEAT?!?!?!?!?!

7 & 8. I got these gloves for free so I can't really complain, but I'm going to anyway. Each hand of the first pair, grey fingerless gloves, are TWO DIFFERENT SIZES.... I'm not kidding. One is large and the other is small, in other words, one is perfect and the other one cuts off blood supply to my hand. The second pair is like the pukey-green gloves from Primark, just normal, thin knitted ones. I just don't need 'em. I gave both pairs to my younger brother.

9. These were also free - they're black fingerless gloves, identical to the grey ones mentioned in [7] only they're both large, thank God -rollingeyes- I always keep them in my coat pocket, just in case. They were so, so useful from September to December, and obviously touching my iPod wasn't a problem. Now, it's like... don't even think about it. Too cold, too cold.

Stupid-ass gloves. YOU ARE NOT WORTHY.

OMG OMG 10 - I just realised I had a pair of leather gloves that my sister gave me for my birthday ages ago! I remember because on that same birthday, I got my (first and current =] ) iPod and they're both a beautiful shade of purple! HA - I know what I'm gonna do. I'll try wearing the LEATHER gloves under the TOUCH SCREEN gloves. I swear, if an ounce of cold gets those that, I'll just chop my hands off.


My Mum got leather gloves from Tiger, and like my fifty-million gloves, they didn't do shit when the sky opened this morning.

Before she'd decided whether she was keeping them or not, I was explaining to her how she could figure out if they would be comfortable or not. My Mum was astounded when I told her to spread her palm out, then bend her fingers at both knuckles, then bend your fingers back at the knuckles where they meet the main part of your hand, spreading them as wide as you can.

It's not rocket science. I am a tall girl. Long feet, long fingers, long legs, long arms. I've had to wear leg warmers in the past, not for warmth, but to hide that my jeans were too short for me. No longer a problem now. So, if the gloves are tight when I do the motion above, or if the gloves struggle to stretch, I know that when I'm trying to do normal stuff wearing it it will be difficult, hence, it doesn't fit and I shouldn't be buying it. I only get men's gloves or ladies gloves in large now - just no point in getting normal ones.

My brains all up and down and everywhere today. I doubt this entire post made much sense and I can't be bothered to check for typos. Those who know me know that this is not uncommon.

Tried to write The Urban Piper, tried to condense my ideas, tried to at least plan the story, but I couldn't settle. My head's starting to feel woozy, but maybe I just haven't had enough water today. It's snowing outside - a sign...

...that I must go to bed with a book and a cup of tea at once.

Star xx

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