Friday, 1 February 2013

As An Ex-Dancer

[An after-thought/continuation of a previous post.]

I should be more specific.

When I say that 'I don't see myself dancing again', I mean in formal education.

For me, dance is a an expression - most would agree. But studying dance at college killed a lot of the love I had for it. Why should I have to forsake my natural way of moving to get some points on a scoresheet that will eventually give me an A Level, and will just about mean a damn thing in The Adult World?  Why do I have to conform to what 'they' (teachers, examiners - whoever, man) want me to do to pass my exam? God, why?

I will tell you something that saddens me. I got a C at Dance A Level. Of all the girls in my class, I was the one who was choreographing in my spare time, I arrived at classes early and left late, I gave Dance A2 more time than any of my other subjects, my teachers and classmates praised my work, the girls who'd so kindly agreed to be a part of it said that they enjoyed dancing my group piece.

But Dance received the lowest grade of all of my A2's. To say that was a blow is more than an understatement.

I was told that (probably because of the tuition fees rising,) grade boundaries has dropped, so everybody got horrendous marks (obviously to make it harder to get the mark we needed for uni.) But it didn't matter. I feel sickened and so, so miserable. All that time, and effort, and eagerness. If I had a passion for Dance, that wouldn't have fazed me, but instead my love of it went down the drain.

I haven't officially danced in two years now, except in my room, in private.

The reason this blog post came about is because Mama began asking me about it. I don't remember how we got on the topic, but I remember getting so upset and angry... and so damn frustrated about it that I just fell into silence and refused to talk on the subject any more. Until then, I hadn't realised that I even felt that way about all this. I thought I'd accepted that Dance was just a part of my life - a phase that spanned 7 years - and that was mercifully over.

And that's fine.

I'm glad I made the last minute decision to not take it at Uni. I was sitting in that Dance field meeting full of horror and fear. I knew I couldn't take that course or I would crack. I already know the limitations of my body, I'm tired of being told what they are, I was just so tired of everything that came with the territory. I'm much happier in English literature.

I know things happen in life for a reason. 7 years of Dance gave me contacts, friends, experiences, self-confidence and creativity in physical form. None of that will ever be wasted.

Star .

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