Sunday, 3 February 2013

Looking Back

 From Secret Escapes. These images are so therapeutic for me. This looks like a haven...

The world makes me sick. I also make myself sick. I must seem like I wallow in self-pity every minute of the fucking day. 
I guess it's kind of true. Sometimes I think of nothing aside from how revolting this world is. So corrupted. It's as if I am the only person here, even though I am surrounded with people. I can't connect with anybody, and in day-to-day existence, I pretend for an hour or a few hours at a time that I do feel, that I do exist. After that, I don't know what I am. 
-- Star 

I wrote that a couple of months ago.

When I look back at S.K.'s words and I feel so sad for her - me - whoever, all of me and my secret alters. Just to reiterate, S.K. is the 'depressed me'. She hasn't come out in a couple of months. I don't miss her, but I do wonder what happened. That why I was looking back over my 'Depression And Stress' posts.

I don't know if I can call it Looking Back yet, it has only been about a month. So many people have noted how much calmer, happier and jokier I am. They say I laugh so much more now. I've noticed it myself. When I think about it in idle moments, I'm so overcome with relief and gratitude that I came out the other end.

So who am I now? Good question...

Am I back to truly being 'Star?' I think I am closer than I've ever been since I first lost myself. Noriko is back for sure, but I'm surprised to say that Shay's made a few appearances (if making cat noises around the house is any measure, heh). I feel as if I have a good grip on my life at the moment. For that, I am truly grateful. I also saw one of my (my? S.K.'s? Sometimes all the parts of me merge together) old posts from this time last year. I remember I'd listened to The Miracle Of Self Discipline and felt so inspired. Then, a month or a few months later, I just crashed. Nobody could explain what happened to me, why I became depressed so fast and so intensely.

Because that was such a key example of depression going in circles, there is a little fear in me that it will come back. I know that if I stay aware, focussed, and remember that there are people around to help me, I'll be fine. But once when Pixie called me late at night, once again very upset about her personal troubles, I suggested that maybe she was depressed - a lot of what she said sounded like depression to me - and she said with a lot of anguish that (in essence) she prayed to hell it wasn't because depression never goes away.

As she is one of the people who knew about my own struggle with It, those words did make me feel a little offended. After all, she'd also noted the change in me. I get that Pixie was too upset to realise what she'd said and what her words meant - that I was cursed for life.

I didn't know if I should've felt anger or despair. At the time, I didn't feel anything. But I'm not sure I'll be picking up any more late night calls if I'll feel worse when I put the phone down. I have my own life to get on with now.

Star .

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