Friday, 1 November 2013

I'm Really Sorry

It's hard to explain over the phone. It's rare I will be honest over the phone. It's rare I will be honest anyway, no use if you can't do anything about it.

I have realised that when I am REALLY low, I can explain what I mean much better by writing than talking, which is the reason for this. I did this with my friend the other day and it was much better than choking over the phone.

Also, using blog instead of email so that I can put it together with the others and mark my 'progress', also so I don't have to repeat myself... which I may have to anyway because I don't really tell you anything soo.

Several thoughts were on my mind yesterday. First, the fact that I hadn't been able to stick to my schedule got me down. For example, I'd planned to do the assignments for those modules I told you about and haven't been able to, I haven't practised any Japanese, I haven't done any reading, etc. So that made me very upset because it's like, if I'd known I wouldn't achieve anything, I might as well have just relaxed properly and done nothing. Instead I've been stressed all week, intending to do something the next day and never being able to because something ALWAYS comes up, and what I haven't achieved is constantly on my mind. Moving on.

Next, I think I told you about my sleep, but lately I've been having nightmares whenever I go to sleep. On top of sometimes not being able to sleep, sometimes I'm too on edge to just lie down and not panic, especially if my mind is in a dark place but I'll talk about that later. Like I said just now I've been in bed most of today, both times when I feel asleep I've had dreams although they haven't been as bad as some I've had recently. They weren't nice though. Both were about me killing a lot of people or myself (or trying) or else witnessing it.

Next, the reason why I really wanted to see someone is because I've been cutting myself again, a lot, I wouldn't call it cutting though because I have a pin instead of a knife (which Mama took away) so this time it doesn't bleed but its the same motion, blahhwhatever. The reason why is because I was really overwhelmed but what I was feeling, will explain more later, and I was having something that I can only really describe as panic attacks, I'm not sure, I hoped to see someone today and talk about it but now I'm not, will explain LAAATER.... and also I was doing it because when I feel like I'm about to fall apart, the pain of it really helps to calm me down, plus in perspective emotional pain becomes less intense compared to the immediate physical pain, alsooo it makes lots of little ridges in my skin and when I run my thumb across it the day after, it kind of has a nice feeling and calms me down. Yeah. BUT, what I wanted to say, waass, that.. [sorry forgot for a min] was that I don't really feel like going anymore because although they try their best I don't think they're going to help me. I'm not in the mood to have the option of anti-depressants shoved in my face. I don't have much faith or confidence that they will do anything significant, and although I was desperate yesterday, its faded a bit now so I don't think I will.

So the 'overwhelmed by what I was feeling' & 'mind in a dark place', this is a bit harder to describe but I will try.

As you know I often have phase of feeling insecure, inferior, etc, I get stressed by Uni, I get stressed by pretty much anything, the more time passes, the greater my fear of certain things get. Sometimes I feel like, and this will sound silly, but that I have no future, I can never estimate where I will be in X years because from a spiritual point of view, I feel as if my lifeline ends sometime within three years. This feeling has gotten stronger in the last 2-3 months. I feel really ooold. Honestly. Even though I'm 20, lol. The last ten years, looking back, feel like decades now. I have old-fashioned ideals anyway, but I don't see myself being very adaptable to the future. I don't want to see myself at 40. I don't have high hopes for where either I will be or the world around me will be. I often don't think of suicide as in giving up but more because I don't want to be here, I really don't want to be here, I feel surrounded by monsters and fucking idiots. I suppose because I am afraid, but we've covered that already.

I am constantly looking for methods to bring my mood up, I think about what people my age or generally what other people do, and I know 'other people' is accounting for over six billion people, I suppose I mean the Western stereotypes. Say for example they might go out clubbing or cinema or watch a movie or go to a restaurant or play computer games maybe, or draw or paint or just watch TV, or drink alcohol or do drugs, and as you know, I don't like to do ANY of those things. Doing them doesn't make me happy, not doing them doesn't make me happy, I'm a bit stuck, being an anomaly.

As for the thing I do like doing =/ I have dreams and things for the future, I really hope to find a way to bring in extra income to help the family, but, the way I am feeling brings it all to a halt. I haven't really been able to write or do my music (time), or read spiritual or health books (no time) or meet friends or family (money or time) or do anything that I really like, so I'm constantly distressed. Some days I don't feel so bad, and I try to hold onto that by playing some music or... whatever, I don't really know wtf I do, I seem to pass hours doing jack all.

Because of my eyes hurting, I can only read/use the computer for a limited amount of time. Reading and using my laptop is REQUIRED for my course, so it makes studying a pain. Sleeping, covered. My energy is always low. Eating, my eating has been bad so that's adding to the problem no doubt. Mama brought up a smoothie today so good start I guess, trying to erase two months of deviance.

So like I said, the hardest part is figuring out which part of the never-ending cycle I should attack first, because I think that would make the rest unravel, but it's not happening. Which is why I thought I should see someone.

There's lots more to say about it, about for example the dark thoughts I'm having or the fact that I'm considering dropping out of university or changing university, and that I've thought about leaving my job too (the moneyy, I need the moneyyy!)

...but I feel tired just writing the above, I'm sue you'll feel the same reading, my head is hurting looking at the screen as well so maybe another time.

I'm definitely coming to the show though, just let me know what time to meet you. I need to get out of this house.


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