Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Psychosis Nightmare

I have a lot to write and not much time, I'm just gonna bash it all out. Fuck grammar, fuck typos, lets do this.

The nightmare that continues when you wake.

Terrifying. I'm still shaking off the effects. I hope writing about it will make me feel better. Just a dream. The nightmare happened in my home, when I woke up it was as if I was out of it but I couldn't be sure. I just didn't move. When I heard Mama's footsteps I called her urgently and she came in and sat on the bed of my bed and chatted with me, but when I started telling her about the dream the tears just burst out. I felt so bad, I really hate her seeing me cry, I f***ing hate feeling like i'm always falling apart of some shit. Anyway.

She was going out to the shopping centre so I leapt at my chance to go with her b/c the thought of being in the house alone was terrifying.

We went out, I tried my best to keep my emotions under control around my mum. i felt shaky and I was so on edge that my temper snapped more than once an then I felt upset after because it was all because of me, nobody else didn't anything wrong, I was trying so hard not to lose it.

Did a bit of retail therapy, spend £60 more than necessary, but never mind. It was on things like organic products, thing for stress, emotional eating, emotional balance, etc. And I went out to eat which I haven't done in weeks, so I allowed myself. Also i was going out to eat with my mum - I haven't had a day out with Mama in months and months which is beyond shocking. It's been so long since we'd spent time together like that, I would've spent £100 in the blink of an eye.

Which of course would be kind of irresponsible but you get what I mean :3

But then I started to feel it. I began to get drowsy, and then the fear came back. The last thing I wanted to do was go to sleep. I started to get the shakes again, so i drank this energy drink thing that mama swears by, it's called Gusto and it's organic, made from guarana and ginseng and stuff. I didn't feel a difference really, but that could be to do with the depression...? I don't even know any more. I had a nice, wholesome cooked meal; salmon with boiled potatoes, carrots, cabbage and plantain with some green leaves on the side, and mama made it so it was DELICIOUS. But i still felt tired, I had to rest for 30mins before washing up. Since then I've been sitting in this spot on bed bed, trying to take it easy. The exhaustion is really coming over me. Also i need to write this dream down so i can get it out of my head but I keep putting it off. I starting singing this made up song, but this song that came into my head gripped me soo hard that

What's crazy is that yesterday, I don't know why or WHAT it was, but when i got up in the morning i felt SO much better! Maybe it was that I had hot chocolate at pret, the first time I've had hot chocolate in over a year. Maybe it was that I did something different. I don't know. I finally gathered up the courage to post my awful-yet-somehow-beloved Battlegame Forfeit story on its own blog, which I'm pretty sure ain't going nowhere but at least I finally did it! I felt great. I went to bed on a high. Well, I was exhausted but I didn't feel shit, is the point.

The weekend just gone was the worst weekend I've had in a long while, I say this because I was teary and shaky at work, for a moment I was scared of having a panic attack or something but I remembered that i promised myself to stay calm and pull myself together for my Mum, so somehow I did. When i got home both days I went straight to bed.

Then yesterday I was alert, full of energy, bouncing, singing,

And today I'm right back at the bottom, but not in the dejected sense, in the sense of being scared to the bone, my mind was EVERYWHERE. I felt so fragile.

right now... ?


I feel ok. I'm having juice and staying on top of it, at least I feel so. But every time I walk b the room where my dream happened (my mum's room) I can't help but think of it, and then I can't help but feel shaky. I can't wait wait wait to see my counsellor, I feel as if I KNOW in my heart I can pull past this and i know it'll be over but I'm so desperate to be out of this hole that I get anxious and agitated and then i start to worry that I never will be free of then so then i think well what's the point then i might as well just kill myself.

But I promised i would stay calm and pull myself together so that's what i am doing, because mind over matter right?its all mind over matter.

I'm exhausted. I ate, I had energy drink, I'm still exhausted. I'll have to get up early tomorrow because I'm kind of scared to be in the house by myself so I'll leave when my mum is leaving but to get there, I'll have to sleep an I'm scared of going to sleep. Shit shit SHIT. how the hell do I get over this?

Was distracted for a minute, just realised I missed two calls from the health advisor =/

My first appointment with my new counsellor is next thursday. yess. finally. also I'm going to start meditating and taking better care of myself. My mum asked me some questions and I realised how much i hate myself. my grandma was over yesterday and told me sternly to love myself more and pamper myself, which i never do because I care less about myself than anybody, which is supposedly the wrong way of going about things...

I like zen pictures. they make me happy.

I don't think I wrote about this yet but when I was lying down, a little made up song came into my head and stuck fiercely. I felt like i was singing to someone, but now I am beginning to feel like I was talking to myself. A different part of myself, maybe another personality. (Shay or Star is my guess. So who's singing, then? S.K.? =/ ) It's kind of like a lullaby. I really love it, it calms me so much. I can't believe I just made that up. A hour ago it didn't exist. =D

It's not exactly a 'happy' song though, but like I said I'm getting there.

wowshitiamtired. I'm gonna HAVE to g to bed now. I wont lie i am scared. i'm put music on.

Rufus Wainwright - Beautiful Child.

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