Thursday, 24 April 2014


For background info, read the SUSPENSION post.

I bought a shitload of magazines the other day - SFX and the SFX Fantasy Special, magazines on Sci-Fi, digital art and drawing instructions, and starting your own business. All in all it cost me about £50.

My Mum's eyes went wide when I told her. She said uncertainly, "That's a lot of money to spend on magazines, Shani..." Yeah, I know. I told her that, and I also told her it was an investment. I had been waiting to buy some exciting new books but instead I spent it on things with will widen my knowledge of 'My Field' - which by the way I have firmly decided is the ever-evolving fantasy genre - it will give me new skills, and its going towards my 'business'. I'm not telling her what it is yet and I'm not writing it here either. I am excited, as I suppose one should be, and also nervous, but mainly excited. I need to sit down and make plans, like Brian Tracy said in a video. In my mind are lots and lots of concise plans, just waiting to be scrawled onto paper. Just waiting.

My depression comes and goes, at the moment its a weekly basis. This week was pretty good. Last week and really tough. REALLY tough. The week before that was incredible. The week before that was awful.

I met my friend Miss Lovely in the park this afternoon, the sun was pretty when it shone. I told her my plans and the smaller goals I set in motion to achieve the bigger ones, including increasing my credit card limit. When I was younger, I used to say I'd never get a credit card... to explain what has changed would take more time than I care to give right now... but in a word, investment. In an acronym, OPM. So Miss Lovely laughed and said, "You sound so grown up!" I was taken aback because I realised; I did. That kinda scared me. I didn't wanna grow up. The reason I worked so hard for my dream is because my dream (noun) allows me to dream (verb) and be how I used to be when I was younger. So happy and optimistic. But to get there, I have to grow up to make the plans and get on the right path, and I'll learn and grow and mature as I do so. The irony, right?

Miss Lovely implied on other occasions that I was working hard for a future that wasn't here yet and all of our friend at university were doing nothing remotely close as far as we knew. They said they had no clue what they wanted to do. Some killed time by watching TV or going out drinking. I never liked doing those things anyway, but all could I say in response was - the future is going to come around SOMETIME. Either you can be ready for life changes at 25, or 30, or 35, or you can be completely unprepared as still in a false sense of security. I don't think people ever really expect life to hit them. I think that many people exclude themselves. I can't afford to do that.

Five years from now I'll be 26, which I hate to think about. I can be stuck in a horrible job or be on my way to achieving my dreams, and I'm making my choice now. That's the way I see it. And I want more than anything to be well on my way, and in a better place a year from now than still where I am. And nothing motivates me more than (well, motivational videos,) and also see the people around me who do nothing but procrastinate. And if I can't convince them with my words, then I should be an example and convince with my actions. It would make me really happy to see my family happy and doing what they love to do.

I saw my GP yesterday and my counsellor for the very last time today. I think I'll miss her, she's been so helpful to me. Last week I saw Student Life team member and my course leader. Things are coming together, or should I say falling together - slowly. But things are moving. I feel happier because of that.

I don't think I can say any more right now. Now my intention is to complete more university work, write more of my plan, research more, watch more of Fringe, and write my book. I do feel so much happier. I'm glad I can write that on this blog, there needs to be more of the happier posts.

Oh, and I forgot to say my new power word: Ashanami.

Star xx

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