Monday, 27 February 2012

It Really Was A Miracle

This past week has been a radical change for me. I've gone from being completely depressed and without aspiration, to being utterly and blissful happy and positive for the future.

As many people knew, I was very down in the last few weeks. Those who did know were mainly family - I was so withdrawn that I fell out of contact with a lot of friends, and only now am I beginning to get back in touch with them. The reason for my unhappiness was difficult to explain to those who asked why I looked to sad all the time. Generally I would just tell them that I was just having a stressful time at work, but it was more than that; between work and home, I was miserable. I found escape nowhere. I was worried about the university degree I'm starting in September, worried about these endless books that I've begun and haven't completed, about the new work location I'd moved to and how uncomfortable and exasperated the staff made me feel, what my future would be like and whether it would feel like this. I felt insecure about my looks. I knew that to wallow in that negativity all the time was seriously bad for my health, but didn't know how to turn it around, as I mentioned in my last depressing post.


I made a decision about my job that, after all my tears, has lifted a great weight off my shoulders. 
My eldest brother (lets call him 'Jules'), my sister (lets call her 'Aime') and Annie have helped me through it and talked to me quite a lot about it... in this post I'm literally just going to lay it out and ascertain that I did the right thing.

Sunday before last, I was a bit of an emotional wreck about work. (I had changed locations, so let's call the first job I had Old Job and the place I moved to, where I felt quite on edge and uneasy, New Job.) I was struggling to get on with the staff. Some things take time to get used to, but this was really getting me down. I felt as if I wasn't doing as well at New Job. I already know that little things bother me easily, and it's one of the greatest challenges that I have to overcome when it comes to me, but on that Sunday (the 19th), I really felt as if I'd reached my limit. In my opinion, crying over work is absolutely not worth it, because nothing should make anyone feel that upset - if that's the case, somebody needs to change job. But I was in tears. I felt pointless for being that sad, but at the same time I didn't want to move yet because I didn't want to feel like I was running away from my problems; I'd only been there for three weeks.

Jules saw that I'd been upset and spoke to me for a little while (for the record, this hasn't happened in a very long while, I don't see him that much) and offered me a suggestion that completely terrified me, although I knew it was a sure-fire way to address the problem. The next day when I was leaving for work, he spoke to me again and gave me the courage I needed. I managed to talk to some people and for the time being, I'm moving back to my old location, which was much simpler than I ever could've imaginedas a colleague had recently left, which was unexpected and quite sad, as I spoke with her quite a bit. It's a solution that I was very much hoping for, and I should have felt happy. But even after that, I still felt down.

On the phone to Aime, she told me (with her mouth full of Beef Casserole) "I don't understand what the problem is. You got what you wanted, you should be happy!"

I agreed. I should be. My mother very HELPFULLY (that's sarcasm) made a point about problems in life coming back around when you run away instead of tackle them. I'd already had the thought that maybe I'd run out on a problem instead of addressing it, so I resented her for being that injection of doubt when I was trying to be happy. But at the same time, I wasn't 'running out' on the problem strictly speaking, but taking holding of an opportunity at Old Job that I was a afraid I wouldn't get again. I wanted to stay with my old team.

Then, of Wednesday evening (the same day I'd been speaking to Aime on the phone,) I listened to 'The Miracle Of Self-Discipline', by Brian Tracy.

Basically... I felt as if I'd been retaught all the things I had known and forgotten at some point, only I was being reminded of them at a time when I really, really needed it. That in itself completely changed my mood. Everybody in my family who's heard this has been motivated in their life, and I felt exactly the same. It was like a light in a dark room.

More than anything, though, it was a wake-up call. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. The Miracle Of Self Discipline addressed issues I was having to do with my psychical, mental and emotional health, as well as giving me the correct tips to straighten out my life such as Goal Setting and Time Management. It's been about five days now that I've been working through the Nine Disciplines, and by doing that I feel healthier, happier, and very much as if I'm facing several of my problems at once. Suddenly, all the things I want to do in my life are possible again.

At the same time, I've been reading 'Discovering Atlantis' by Diana Cooper and Shaaron Hutton and it's reminded me to be so grateful for everything I have and that I am so blessed to have so many people that care about me and support me. Thinking in this way fills me with a lotta love. :) 

Now, thinking back on my dilemma, I am happy and comfortable with the decision I madeI AM going to make it work, but just like Aime said, "When you think about it, if a manager had to let you go, they would just do it. And you wouldn't have a choice. So if you need to leave somewhere to be happier somewhere else then just leave." Now back at Old Job today, I felt so HAPPY that I could've been a little bubble of joy about to burst. It's been so long since I felt like that. I feel as if my self-esteem has boosted, AND So much of my life has fallen back into order, which is, y'know... great. :)


Peace, Love.
Star xx

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