This Cuts Me Open Like A Knife

I still don't understand it.

As a kid, I was so awkward and introverted. I was blissful in my own company, making up fantasy worlds in my head.

As I've gotten older, benefiting from wonderful people supporting me through mental health challenges, it's become harder and harder to face these hardships totally alone. Not to mention how crushing it feels discovering that the people I could once turn to for support have disappeared from my life.

It hurts terribly.

My original plan at the end of 2019 was to find some new friends based on my hobbies and start going to meetups and short courses. But then COVID-19 struck and that plan was out the window for 2020. I never really came up with a new plan because I was too busy, y'know, trying to survive. Weathering the storm.

But with each passing month, I feel like I'm becoming more hollow inside. It's not just because of social distancing, isolation in general, and my resulting loneliness from a lot of other millenials being unwilling to socialise in person and not through a screen. That's a big part of it though.

I don't want to rely on social interactions to be happy. I still need to regain that old contentment of feeling enough being by myself.

But I also don't know anyone who's successful and said they've had a fulfilling life, without being surrounded by a supportive family or team.

Star .

"Hello? Are you there?": Helplines for Loneliness, Depression and Suicide

I used to have a big aversion to calling helplines.

At that time, I was being bounced around between counselling services trying to find the right one. With each new face, I'd have to tell them my story from the top and as you can imagine, quickly became very distressed at having to relive the reasons I was seeking counselling over and over again.

Calling a helpline felt no different. I wanted to speak to someone who knew me and wouldn't have to make guesses about what would help me.

But now, being completely isolated with no-one I trust, helplines are a blessing. I've called the suicide helpline HOPELINE a grand total of two times, and count myself lucky things aren't worse. More recently I've called Samaritans if I just feel lonely, or an episode of depression has me in a vice grip and immobilised. Being on my own for so many months now, not visiting anyone and no-one visiting me, speaking to a real live person who listens carefully and responds to what I've said is so... reassuring. I feel relieved and calmed. That in itself is wonderful and awful at the same time.

When I used to work in retail about ten years ago, sometimes we'd get elderly customers who'd eagerly talk to us sales assistants for ages after they'd paid. They were very sweet, but impatient customers waiting in the queue would watch and huff, waiting to be served next. I guess those elderly people would either be totally oblivious or not care. I remember wondering if it was because they were lonely and glad to have someone to talk to. My young and blissfully unaware mind then thought, 'If that's the case - that's got to be one of the worst and saddest things ever.'

Star . 

If you are experiencing loneliness, depression, or suicidal ideation,

call Samaritans on 116 123 (in the UK),

or find the hotline number for your country on Befrienders.org. 

Forced Smiles: Putting on a Brave Face In Emotional Turmoil

I consider it my duty to remain positive, even in the face of bad news. As a result, when I first hear the news I often react very well - I'll laugh it off with ease, and give a genuine smile if I can bear it.

After the moment has passed, I'm hit with the full force of what's happened. Sometimes, it's earth-shattering and turns my world upside down, like when I was laid off from my job. Other times it's like slowly sinking into sadness, like when a friend cancels our lunch a few hours before we're due to meet.

In both cases, I completely understand why it happened, but that knowledge didn't stop the feeling of a rug being pulled from under my feet. In the case of the lunch meet, especially because it's happened so many times before. 

It's life - life happens. I know this, so why doesn't it hurt any less?

Star . 

Grim Smiles: When Effort Isn't Enough

If I stop looking for the key to resolving my stress and loneliness, then I feel like it's my fault I'm still experiencing an emotional crisis, and that I didn't do enough to help myself.

Star .