After almost six years, I return.
I came back because I wondered if taking up writing anonymously again could heal me. I have been fighting the increasing urge to commit suicide for years as my depression steadily worsened, but these past couple of months have been the hardest of my life. This week I have existed as a shell of myself.
I'm glad I did come back to re-experience this blog again because it made me feel something, after weeks of feeling completely numb. That said, I avoided coming back to this blog for years and years. I was scared to come back and - truthfully? I was ashamed of this blog. I knew how much I had changed and didn't want to come face to face with the old me - ignorant, naive, likely biased and prejudiced from my biased and prejudiced surroundings. The experiences I've had these past six years have shown me the limitations of my own thinking, gently nudged me to be more considerate, more thoughtful, more inquisitive day by day. One the one hand, reading my past thoughts makes me cringe so much it's unbearable. On the other, even having that reaction indicates that I have grown.
So, despite my itching fingers I have decided to leave everything on this blog the same, even though it is horribly outdated, and just continue posting.
Perhaps even seeing the clunky layout and colours I chose for this blog at 17 years old will be a cocoon of nostalgia for me. Maybe this blast from the past will help me remember, or discover, what I truly used to love, before the pressure cooker experience of being moulded by the people around me started to do real psychological damage.
I am exhausted, but despite not wanting to live any more, I do not want to die. I want to put to rest the version of myself I used to be and start over. Cut away the old, dead weight and rebuild myself again, and better.
Star .
P.S. I was going to name this post 'Return of The King' for that lil bit of LOTR goodness, but likening myself to Sauron is a bit much right now.
Listening to: Louie Zong - Beyond The Edge of The World
Re-reading: A Series of Unfortunate Events Book 11, The Grim Grotto
Watching: Howl's Moving Castle
