Sorta-Review: The Fault In Our Stars - John Green

I could lie and say I read this book because I wanted to, but I read this book because Zoe begged me to. I did not want to read this book. I was depressed and I wasn't sure I could handle it. Plus it was insanely popular and I have never, nor am I ever inclined to, read a book or watch a film when it's already such an overwhelming rave.

It was a double edged sword, I guess. I didn't want to be influenced, but if it didn't become so popular it never would've caught my eye in the first place.

When I decided to read it a few days ago, I didn't feel any better than when I eventually bought it, over a month ago, but I needed a distraction from my own thoughts and I'd just finished reading another YA book that WASN'T bad so I was in the mood to try another. Additionally, it was half price at the bookstore where I worked and with my staff discount I got it for £3.20. The bargain just made it better, really. :3

I tried to read with an open mind. I choose to read fantasy books as I enjoy them the most, but I'll also read any book that has a remotely engaging premise or will help me improve as a person. This includes self help books, crime, historical fiction, Sci Fi, and of course from my degree, classics, poems, plays, essays, journals and critical texts. With this book, I liked that the narrator was a voice I didn't normally hear in a book - a cancer patient.


So I began reading...

And three pages in, I was bored. Hopelessly bored. I put it down about three times by chapter three (I dunno why all the 3's) because I wasn't compelled to read on. But I did go back to it, more out of duty (I hate not finishing a novel, even if I dislike it - George Orwell's 1984 and Stephen King's 11.22.63 still have their bookmarks in but they're killin me) than intrigue, but slowly intrigue was first and duty second.

The humour jarred against my usual comedy preference, and I didn't feel very much drawn to Hazel as a character, despite her condition. But as the book went on, I grew accustomed to the humour and the bantering between Hazel and Augustus was really entertaining. That was about a third of the way through.

When I got about halfway, it got to the Now I'm Struggling To Put This Down phase, so I managed to finish it in about 3 days, which was a bit of a surprise to me as it's been some time since I got stuck in a good book. I has read Sally Green's Half Bad (no relation... er, I think O_O ) directly before and finished that in just over a day, so I think I'm getting back into the swing of things, still got stuff to read for uni though.

I began to love this book for the moral and social issues it raises; like how effortlessly like everybody else these cancer patients seem to be, except for that one drawback that infringes on their health; like how people are compelled to say something nice simply because of the illness an no necessary but the people was a good person; the cancer perks; people saying 'He/she fought bravely' and Hazel remarks, 'as if there's any other way to fight'; how, when people remark on someone after their passing, it seems everybody experienced a different side of them. There's a lot more things, that's all I can think of right now.


I love the dialect of the teenagers in the book. It's just so accurate! Sometimes it just made me laugh. I like how engrossed they were in video games and literature.

Like I said, I read Half Bad just before. But when I thought about the plot devices and choices, I'd never think 'Why did Nathan do that?' but 'Why did Sally Green make Nathan do that?' That may be because of the way I've been trained to analyse from school, college and now uni. But I think it's because it FELT like the events had being orchestrated, not just because it's a fantasy but because the actual story DEPENDS on the element of uncertainty. Nathan never knows what's going to happen to him so we wait on Sally Green to tell us.

But with The Fault In Our Stars, I can't impress how authentic it feels. The characters themselves and the way they speak, the events, there's a sense of everyday life that felt so lifelike. I felt like Hazel was REAL, as if this book was her factual autobiography, which is such a weird experience.

The bit when they went to Anne Frank's house reminded me of the book 'My Name Is Anne: She Said, Anne Frank' by Jacqueline Van Maarsen, Anne's best friend. I remembered it because even though this fictional book felt real, Jacqueline Van Maarsen's own biography felt like fiction to me when I read it. I loved the book but i didn't know why I couldn't connect with it as non-fiction. I kept forgetting that it was a retelling of actual events. It's just all very bizarre.


Laugh

So pretty much EVERY PERSON I have ever spoken to about this book said they laughed AND cried. As I said at the start, I tried not to think too much about how it SHOULD be making me feel and thought about my own actual response to it. The first time I burst out loud laughing just just before the halfway mark, when Augustus finishes An Imperial Affliction and sends this mortified text in capital letters like, OH GOD YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING or words to that effect, and I just rolled around laughing, because I can think of so many friends who'd send an identical text to me about something, or me to them.

And I know I shouldn't, but I did have the brief thought, 'One down.'


Cry

As for the crying, well I didn't 'cry' as such. The saddest parts of the novel, I couldn't cry. I felt kind of numb, and small, and insignificant. The only bit in the whole book that brought tears to my eyes was when Hazel's mother admits she going to become 'a Patrick', as Hazel kept calling it, and suddenly my eyes were stinging and my throat closed up. But I don't know why that bit in particular made me plummet into a dark hole. Not because of the book, but because of the way I felt because of the thoughts I had because of the themes of Desolation I was thinking about that came out of the book.

After I read it I kind of had to stop and breathe a bit, then then when I continued I was fine. I didn't even cry. I felt confused afterwards because I just couldn't pinpoint that feeling - was I connecting it to my own Mum somehow? God, I don't know. I just can't explain it so all I can do is stop talking about it.


After

I probably shouldn't be saying this on my blog, but afterwards I sat and thought about my depression and wondered why, even with the thought of the suffering of others in my head right now, their pains so much worse than mine, my depression wouldn't go away. And I felt selfish and horrible, even though I can't seem to control it, no matter how hard I try. It just tires me out. I felt miserable.


Agonising

That's the one word I think of when I think of this book.

Everybody in this book experiences some level of agony, but for the cancer patients it's of a different kind. Reading it is incredibly uplifting as it is depressing, and I didn't feel sympathy for Hazel because as a person (sorry, I mean character. See what I mean?) I couldn't connect with ehr. What I did connect with, though, was the ways he thought about things. That's what made me want to keep reading. Being inside her head was pretty wonderful, because she's very clever and sensitive and her moral values are high. Her personality is bleh.


As Literature Acknowledging Literature

I imagined studying this at school. I don't like saying this about books, but this book would actually be great for that because there's so much SYMBOLISM (I swear, just so much it's crazy), so much to learn from it, so much that you can take and analyse and think about. SOOO many lines form this book are quote-worthy, possibly because of all the repetition. 'Okay? Okay.' 'That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.' And so on, and so on. I did wonder why Augustus was described as a 'plot twist' in the blurb and I got my answer - by talking about fiction in the book, it's quietly acknowledged itself as a work of fiction and plays with that. I like that.




I'm not doing okay right now. I am breaking. Blu tack will not put me back together. More cups of tea, for now.


Star xx

Vampire Academy 2014 Movie

RUSH POST.

I'm going to talk to you about an old obsession of mine that had become a faint buzz in the back of my mind - and is now officially dead.

... okay okay, I'm being overdramatic!

I hate saying this, not just because it was my obsession and I used to LOVE the Vampire Academy books - I felt so empty when I'd finished reading - but because I still think they are excellent books. But I cannot deny that the way 'They', and I don't know exactly whom I'm referring to here - decided to turn Vampire Academy from a (in my opinion) highly-serious, high-stakes, surprisingly romantic, high-school vampire concept into a Mean Girls meets Twilight, not only did my heart drop out my butt (lol) but I grew worried that this movie would tarnish the BOOK.

New book cover.

Now I must take some time to explain exactly what I mean by this. It's a delicate matter. Heh XD

[ 1 ]
We ALL understand that since the rise of Twilight, the Film Peoples have been taking every teenage book - oh, by the way, that genre is now called Young Adult, commonly known as YA (you probably know this but JUST SAYIN'!) - and turning that book into The Next Big Thing. Which, don't get me wrong, is pretty cool. Especially for the authors. Personally, I'm bored of this, but my opinions always have been and still are the minority and thus discarded. So er, despite that I find The Hunger Games and Divergent series intriguing, when they're on screen, the most highlighted bits are the things that were done before. Tiresome. So what first worried me what that Vampire Academy would be 'altered' to 'fit in' with what's already popular right now.

[ 2 ]
But on the other hand... like I said, these books are great. They're also very complex with many different things going on. Because of this, there's a part of me that is really glad that Richelle Mead is gonna get the extra attention from this movie. As far as I'm concerned, regardless of how a movie turns out or is received, if they're sold the film rights then they've 'Done It'. Or 'Made It'. I guess. (I've kept using this phrase because I couldn't think of a better one. e_e ) And it's great that her books got this opportunity - not all books do. We know this.

[ 3 ]
I have made the decision, as I do with most film adaptations of books I've read, not to see this film until a long time in the future, if at all. First because I often don't like film adaptations; second because I don't like a lot of films in general, I dislike moviegoing; and thirdly because I don't like being influenced by other opinions while the hype is still quite big. I can't remember how I ended up seeing The Hunger Games, but it was over a year since it had been in the cinemas and I was both glad I saw it and glad I waited. So in other words, everything I write in this post can be waved away as obviously I am only SPECULATING and making ASSUMPTIONS before I have actually seen the movie, and I dunno about you but it's annoying when people do that. So I'm annoying myself right now. A lot.

[ 4 ]
Um... this is going to sound rude but none of the characters cast are how I imagined them. At least in some other film adaptations there's a similarity, but in this case there are huge discrepancies between my crazy brain and the cast! Which is nothing more than an 'Awwwhhh...' type of thing. It's a bit hard for me to get Rose in my head as Glamorous. Really hard. It's obvious that she is a remarkably pretty girl but... seriously. No, srsly. I have to reprogram my brain for every single character in this. Like... an alternate dimension VA.

One thing I must say though, I adore the new covers, MUCH better than the original and somewhat better than the red covers. They're very much in line with the new Hunger Games and Divergent covers that were released after the movies came out, which all have a common dark-colours scheme to them. A lot of YA books seem to do this now, with the dark covers instead of bright, often they're dystopian books as well! I can only say this because I work in a bookshop and otherwise I wouldn't know or care.

I love pretty imagery on books but I have never liked faces, I think I mentioned this before. I hate that. I don't want somebody else to ascribe a face to a character I'm about to make a bond with, I'm not sure why but it really irritates me and can often put me off a book. I love being able to picture characters in my mind. Funnily enough though, I don't mind cartoons or silhouettes. I just can't stand real people. Once in a blue moon, faces can actually pull me towards a book - like Philippa Gregory's The White Princess. I can stare at that cover for ages, it is heavenly.


... anywhoo... =/

I'm still not sure how I feel about a great deal of YA books being so heavily fantasy based. As a huge fantasy fan, it's hard not to tear a YA book apart for not adhering to fantasy principles. (Much simpler when there was just 'teen' =c ) But as I read VA before it was actually classed as YA, I still have a soft spot for it. It's kind of different. I didn't feel that way about the House Of Night series. Ages ago, I said I was gonna re-read the VA series but I couldn't bring myself to. My friends bought me the spin-off series with Sydney as the lead, and as I didn't much like her in the origin series (nowhere NEAR as much as Rose, Rose was my FAVOURITE), I couldn't bring myself to read it.

So to conclude...

I am a terribly fucking annoying person and if I ever read this post again, I'll probably delete it.

Star xx

This is one of my Rush Posts - when they are all posted, you will find my NOTICE OF SUSPENSION.

ADDICTED TO THIS MANGA RIGHT NOW: Psyren - Toshiaki Iwashiro

How do I put this?

I wrote a VERY LONG review for this manga I am obsessed with, took me about 5 hours straight, but to my dismay Blogger malfunctioned and I lost it all. I was so upset (and pissed at myself) that I didn't have the heart to rewrite at the time, so I made it a draft and tried again. Hence, a New Year's post ten days late. I will be adding as I go along, no time to write it all up now at once now. Sorry.

__________________________________________

Hey heyyyy! Still here? Great. Excellent. c: Welcome to '14.

Am I still here? O_O
Well thank fuck for that too.

As I said before, all blogs will be updated today;
Alter Ego Writer, Image Archive, Pink Sovereign, DVTJ, and BGF.

But unfortunately, the other 4 blogs took so long that I missed 'today' but 30 mins, and it is now the 2nd of January =( I'm sad. I didn't achieve my goal.

=(

That's actually made me very very sad. I hate not sticking to my word. What a failure. (e_e) I'm gonna have to try not to be gloomy now.

Mind Numbing... Just What I Needed.

I am getting back on my feet, it's a slow process but isn't it always? I'm just glad that I don't feel as down as I did before. So, overwhelmingly relieved. My Mum can tell. It's making her a bit cheerier, and that makes me even more at peace.

I'm so thankful for the people around me, supporting me at this time. Beyond grateful.

SO, ANYWAAAAY!

I did some calculations, (looked on the blog archive list :3 ) and in 2012 I made 60 posts. That works out to be, on average, 5 a month. Which is really not that much at all! I remember not posting for ages and then posting a lot at once and then drips and drabs. Gonna try and make it consistent in 2014. I now have seven blogs in total... seven days in the week... catch ma drift...

This year, I posted 53 (I think? Including this?) Posts. I was wondering whether to do 7 more and make it even but - no. Why the heck would I do 7 posts in three days? No dude. No.

This last month has been a bit of a bummer, as I said before I haven't written much of my book. That makes me feel a bit *makes a fart noise*.

And as that's a goal very close to my heart, (buried inside, actually) the two blogs I was posting fiction on (One and Two) are sadly languishing away e_e

The one thing that has been cheering me up beyond measure is reading this manga that I have become obsessed with called Psyren, but Toshiaki Iwashiro. I hate to say it but remembering past phases of my life, I seem to be very happy when I have an unhealthy obsession with something. But look, whatever. It's manga. Manga is awesome.

I will do a review of it when I get the chance, ASAP if I can help it. I ended up reading one more volume than I was meant to, so I'm really excited for the next one and that wasn't meant to happen because it won't be released for another month or something. (e_e) That's cutting the long story short. I think between that and trying to put on motivating music, trying to sing a lot more, things are improving. I say that a lot, here and there, but I've kinda got to. I have to keep trying.

This is the sort of mind-numbing music that's been helping me get by lately. Don't usually listen to much music like this, but there are some times when I can't bear to hear myself think.




Strobe Light - by Andy Heller (SOUNDCLOUD)

Trancesaur - by _ensnare_ (YOUTUBE)

The music from this Anime Dress Up Game ^_^ (GAMES WEBSITE =] )




And all of this upbeat music brings me back to the song that got it all going...

If it's still showing, I got the heart from Glitter Graphics. I LOVED that site when I had a Myspace. Such cute things on there.

I don't know how I feel about New Year's Resolutions. I feel that on one hand, what's the point as they are always strongly linked to goals being broken.

On the other hand, I feel that just being proactive enough to ATTEMPT a change is better than doing nothing. Always. So I'm going to do the same thing I did in Jan 2013, which is change my diet. I am actually very eager for it, because when I did it last January I kept it up for 6 months. It may be one of my proudest achievements ever.



Mata ne.

Black Cosplayers? Cosplaying For Black People?

I don't usually talk about race, but I was thinking about cosplaying for next year's Comic Con and I thought... hold on a minute... who the heck do I go as?

I'll be honest with ya, this one had me stuck. Either I'm ignorant, or there really aren't very many black heroines to choose from when it comes to Cosplaying.

I mean, yeah, there's Storm, of course. But how many black girls must cosplay Storm?! And I can't cosplay as Storm EVERY TIME. Cosplaying Halle Berry's Catwoman is a bit of a cheat because the original depiction of Selina Kyle in the comics is white. So... ? Does anybody have any ideas? Am I gonna have to make the male black characters female to cosplay them? Or am I gonna have to write a couple books, get a couple black heroines famous so I can cosplay one?

Or can I only cosplay aliens? (Gonna be covered by makeup anyway.)

Maybe I'll just start a list here and I can come back and add to it when necessary.
World Of Black Superheroes has loads of ideas too.

Man, I need to create some black heroines.

Summer Reading

I made it my goal to read books that I wanted to read over the summer, because my friend Jellybean was telling me about how she only reads books for her degree now (she takes Creative Writing) and I thought, if I did that, I would die. Okay, no. Dramatic, but I certainly would fall out of love with reading, so I rekindled [no pun, I don't have a kindle] my love for books. Yaaay.

I don't really give a duck about the great divide between 'literature' and 'teen reading'.... I've great so many so-called 'classics' (Wuthering Heights was AWFUL) and teen reads let me relax and transport myself, instead of focussing hard on the themes and literary devices. Teens reads are fun. At work, the teen reads are now separated into Teenage and Young Adult, which makes a lot of sense because some of those books... I'm telling you... not for kids. Have you READ the Hunger Games? That shit is DARK! So many deaths! I'm tellin you!

Surprisingly, I didn't read a great many science fiction or fantasy books, because I was writing my book (still am) and its fantasy, so I didn't want to be too heavily influenced.


From May to September 2013, COMPLETELY unrelated to my English Lit Degree, I read:
- The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
- Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
- Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins
- How To Plot Your Novel by Jean Saunders
- Magician by Raymond E. Feist
- Lizka And Her Men by Alexander Ikonnikov
- Before I Go To Sleep by S J Watson
- My Name Is Anne, She Said, Anne Frank by Jacqueline Van Maarsen
- The Fast Track Detox Diet by Ann Louise Gittleman
- The Angel's Game by Carloz Ruiz Zafon
- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
- The Kingmaker's Daughter by Phillipa Gregory
- The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas
- Broken Homes by Ben Aaranovitch
- The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho
- The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie by Murial Sparks

Books I started and didn't finish for whatever reason
- 11.22.63 by Stephen King
- Defeat Depression: 52 Brilliant Ideas for Healing a Troubled Mind by Sabina Dosani
- The Gone Away World by Nick Harkaway
- Reamde by Neal Stephenson
- A Little Light on Spiritual Laws by Diana Cooper

Currently Reading
- The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood


Reviews
I'll try to keep them short.

- The Hunger Games Trilogy by Suzanne Collins
It's been a long time coming. I'd been recommended to read this years ago when I was writing a story called Battlegame Forfeit, which was, I can now admit with shame, straight off flipped from Battle Royale. But it was fun. ^_^ It's an incredibly well thought-out story, I read the whole series in two days and felt empty when it was done. Dystopian novel often make me feel that way, when written well. (See The Handmaid's Tale below.)

- How To Plot Your Novel by Jean Saunders
I didn't like it.

- Magician by Raymond E. Feist
MY FAVOURITE FANTASY BOOK - EVAAAR! Can't even remember how many times I've read this. Actually... this might be the second... or third O_O it's a huge book.

- Lizka And Her Men by Alexander Ikonnikov
This. Was. Hilarious. I liked this view on life in general, even though it did feel kinda bleak and made me wonder what my own life was for. But that's not saying much because a lot of books say that.

- Before I Go To Sleep by S J Watson
Seriously thrilling, an enjoyable read, although basically like the film Momento. I'd recommend.

- My Name Is Anne, She Said, Anne Frank by Jacqueline Van Maarsen
This book is so well written that it was hard to remember that this is a retelling of actual events, not a fictional story. It's heartwarming and heart-wrenching at the same time. Just INCREDIBLE. Everybody read this!

- The Fast Track Detox Diet by Ann Louise Gittleman
I already knew much of what was in this book, which reassured me that I hadn't previously been reading a bunch of lies! Informative and really helpful. That said, I haven't done it yet...

- The Angel's Game by Carloz Ruiz Zafon
Everything this man writes is PHENOMENAL. One of my favourite authors, I love all of his books, I hate how once I'm hooked, I just can't put them down. I love how they interconnect, I love the twists and turns that you didn't see coming. Every book takes you on an adventure so far from the original premise that I'm always thinking about it for days. About to read The Prisoner Of Heaven now.

- The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
I really liked this, both as a story to entertain and a story with a moral. But even more from Paulo Coelho, I liked...  (see below)

- The Kingmaker's Daughter by Phillipa Gregory
Loved this. Couldn't stop thinking about it for ages - went and bought the whole set afterwards, couldn't help it. The cover for The White Princess is so beautiful! (How nice would it be to be that beautiful?!) At work, I also saw that she has a non-fiction book about the history behind the Cousins War series. I think I'll buy that. (I really, really disliked the Kingmaker - the actual character, that is. A manipulative sod.)

- The Slap by Christos Tsiolkas
I hate trashing other people's work, because their baby is still their baby. But this was one of, if not THE worst and most misleading book I have ever 'read', and I say 'read' because at parts it was too graphic for me to read without my stomach turning. All of the characters talk in this vulgar, aggressive way that, yeah, I can take from one character - Hector. But from all of them? really? Does every single one of them naturally use the word 'cunt'? Really? That's just poor character development. I thought we were dealing with a sociological issue here, I thought it was about the CHILD, Hugo - not about various affairs and sex lives of scandalous adults. I wondered why the friend I lent it to 'finished' it so quickly. She's fast, but not that fast.

I feel bad for dissing, but just how I felt. My personal opinion. If at least there was a story to follow that wasn't just about self gratification, I could have appreciated that. Or at least, self-gratification with a moral, at LEAST, so I wouldn't get to the end and think 'what was the point in this entire novel?' Hugo wasn't the story, he was the subplot.

- Broken Homes by Ben Aaranovitch
I've been following the story, and although it was slower to get going than the previous novels, and I felt more could have been tied in from earlier in the series, it left me on a high. I'm waiting eagerly for the next one.

- The Witch Of Portobello by Paulo Coelho
Amazing. My favourite book by him so far. Better than Alchemist ^ It's enlightening and really makes you question what you want out of life. You can take it as a simple story, or as moral or spiritual guidance, just like The Alchemist. It's up to the reader. I like that.

- The Prime Of Miss Jean Brodie by Muriel Sparks
I thought this book was really funny, but it spells things out at times when it didn't need to and it's quite repetitive. All in all, a good read. I picked it up because I'd read Loitering With Intent and really liked it. I refer L.W.I.


Unfinished books...

- 11.22.63 by Stephen King
Great beginning. I'd read The Shining recently and was noticing a lot of parallels between the books, from concepts right down to names (pretty sure there's an Al in each) But when the adventure actually began (he goes back in time for real) I got bored and it no longer kept my attention. It's on my shelf, I'll try and read it again at half-term or Christmas.

- Defeat Depression: 52 Brilliant Ideas for Healing a Troubled Mind by Sabina Dosani
Reading this made me feel more depressed than I was already, so I can only read this when I feel happy, which is why I'm still only two chapters in after buying this months ago. Ironically, the more time passes without me reading it, the worse my depression gets. I'm going to have to bite the bullet soon because I'm losing it.

- The Gone Away World by Nick Harkaway
Given to me by a friend as a present. There's one fundamental problem why I'm struggling to get through the first chapter. I can't picture anything. At all. Descriptions of setting are lacking to the point where I can't see where anyone is or put the action in a location, so out of context, things don't make sense. The similes are a bit disjointed from what they are describing. I'M STRUGGLIN. It could just be me though, I skim over words when I'm bored. I'm going to try again. Also, the blurb doesn't tell me what this story is actually about so I'm not sure what I should be expecting. Not gonna lie, I'm doubtful. =/

- Reamde by Neal Stephenson
I loved the idea of this, and I love the way it's written? The thing is, whenever I'm reading it, I get stuck in, but whenever I put it down, it's never the next book I pick up again. I kinda have to force myself to do it, which isn't great and I can't explain why because I like the book. Maybe the action isn't picking up fast enough. Also, it is a HUGE book. I haven't seen a book that huge since Les Mis, or Dance of Dragons in hardback.

- A Little Light on Spiritual Laws by Diana Cooper
Religion and spirituality and what I'm meant to be doing in this life and what it all means and what I should believe in - are things that I'm very unsure about right now. So I'm reading this, but I'm nervous, fearful, skeptical, and I feel like I'm unworthy to be reading such obviously ascended knowledge that I never seem to be able to put into good use. So its at the bottom of my drawer with a bookmark in it.

Currently Reading

- The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood
Scrap that, I finished it today. this book is SOOOOO GOOD. I felt so aimless after reading it though, but not in a depressed way, it an breathless, lost in thought kind of way. In terms of dystopian novels, I don't know why this isn't talked about as much as the Hunger Games, though this was published in 1985. I love it because it distorts ideas on love, marriage, sex, religion, women as people vs. women as objects, class divide and all sorts of fundamental aspects of society and human nature. I feel like it touches every angle of life that I have very lately been thinking and worrying about. It's a reminder of all the good and all the bad that a society like ours can spew up, compared to the Totalitarian society portrayed in The Handmaid's Tale.

The Epilogue was the real mindf-k. I had really thought it was real, but something about the way the Professor spoke about the story sounded strange, so I want back; date of transcript, 2195. Ha ha, Margaret Atwood. You tricked me again. This book is amazing.




Back to Uni on Monday. I'm hoping getting back into the swing of things will help take my mind away from things that are frightening or disturbing me right now. You've heard it said a million times, but the thought of suicide is really persistent. The truth is, I'm really scared, but I don't know who to talk to. I don't know what to do. I don't trust anyone.



Star xx
________________________________________

Broken

Super Spoiler: Briefly talking about the end of the Hunger Games. BuzzTF off if you haven't read it yet.


When I finished reading the last book of the Hunger Games series, all I could think about was how broken she was. Broken. So many people she loved, gone, or no longer trustworthy. Their whole society - broken. Katniss - broken. The nightmares, awful memories, and deaths of loved ones would haunt her until her dying day. Whoever is in charge of Panem will try to make her a pawn until the very end. She's broken. She's completely broken. And she will never ever be the same again.

Not to compare my life to a (fictional) war on such a massive scale, but a destruction is happening inside of me, quietly, internally. Last year, something happened to some unreachable part of me that has tainted it, and I don't know what it is, but it has broken me. I will never be the same.

A friend said something to me in distress - she said that she hopes to God that she doesn't have depression because it never goes away. I remember feeling so angry with her because I'd never felt better in my life than I did right then, and I wanted to be the one in charge of my life and my emotions. I was convinced that I would come out on the winning side. But it is a sham, a hope, a hallucination, a sick mockery of what my life really is. It is nothing.

I never thought I would ever fully understand what it was like to be depressed. It's something I never talk about. Anyone who's been there, truly been there, will know that wrenching feeling, about not even knowing where to start when someone offers to be a confidant. Those who can open up about it - I admire them. But not me. No more. I'm done. I don't think I will have the heart to post on this blog any more, though I will try to hang on to any event that makes me happy, for as long as humanly possible. What concerns me most right now is how it will end. How will I do it? How will I commit suicide? I don't have the guts to do it. But when I think about my future, I don't see anything. There is nothing but the realisation of who I am, what life is. Nothing. Like I said. Hopefully, I can get back into the swing of pretending I am happy and that it means something, that I am not a small pawn in a scale of something far grander and far beyond my control. But this moment of reflection has helped me understand this basic fact about existence. It's horrible. I am happy for those who don't yet know it. Maybe it is the cause of chronic depression - because those who suffer it really know what's going on. Maybe. Probably.

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Whispers Underground - Ben Aaranovitch

I'm not yet ready to talk about my sudden severe depression that came and subsided last week, so here's another filler blog post.

There's nothing like the Peter Grant series that cheers me up. It's soo, so funny, especially if you have a sense of humour, and especially if you're a Londoner (you'll miss a half of the jokes if you're not). Zach has officially replaced Molly as my favourite character, although she's not too far behind. Silent and glaring, but she's there.

There were quite a lot of great bits in Whispers Underground, but this was the bit that had me stifling my laughter as I sat on the bus to Uni, page 135:

"There were incidents while he was at college," she said.
   "What kind of incidents? asked Zach before I could.
   I sighed and pointed at a table at the other end of the room. "Go and sit over there," I said.
   "Do I have to?" he asked.
   "This is grown-up stuff," I said.
   "Don't patronise me."
   "I'll buy you a cake," I said.
   He sat up like a small dog. "Really?"
   "If you go and sit over there," I said, and he did.
Whispers Underground, Ben Aaranovitch, Gollancz, 2012.

 
Classic.

Star.
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Game Of Thrones: Just A Thought

Fantasy Flight, Michael Komarck

My Most Favoured Peopleses:

Book

1. Arya
2. Ned
3. Dany
4. Tyrion
5. Jon Snow
6. Kindly Man
7. Asha [Yara Greyjoy in show]
8. Melisandre
9. Missandei
10. Littlefinger
11. Syrio Forel
12. Jaqen H'ghar

Sansa Stark, by Teiiku (Deviant Art)

Show

1. Ned (obviously, goes without saying)
2. Dany
3-4 (Tie). Littlefinger + Varys
5. Tyrion
6. Sansa
7. Margaery
8. Melisandre
9. Arya
10. Jon Snow
11. Jaqen H'Ghar
12. Syrio Forel

Jon Snow by Teiiku (Deviant Art)

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My Favourite Manga Of All Time: Immortal Rain

SPOILER ALERT: There WILL be massive spoilers. It's not like this manga is new - you can get it from your library or online at Manga Fox. Read it first, or you will regret it.


I want to blot out my life like knocking over a pot of ink onto the page of a book.

It will, quickly or steadily, spread to all of the other pages and leave you with a big, black fucking mess. You can't read the pages - the content, the whole story is gone, although the stained pages leave you with proof that it was there. But is that how I want to go out?

This whole week went to shit. I am not surprised. Today I did more solid work towards my final essay than I have done all week. My healthy eating habits have been on and off. The days feel monotonous.

Yesterday, I went for a walk - I had to go when it had stopped raining, so I ended up going at sunset - and smelling of the air and seeing the setting sun and listening to a couple of my favourite songs (Paramore's 'Stuck On You', along with 'Hello', the opening theme to Ergo Proxy called 'Kiri' - Monoreal, And from Nabari No Ou 'Departure' and 'Aru Ga Mama'.) made me feel overwhelming sad. My whole world felt kind of empty. I kind of wanted to die.

When I got home, it was kind of impossible for me to work. I ended up playing The Sims 2 again until I really didn't want to anymore. I wanted to sleep, but I didn't want to go to bed and lie there waiting for it, thinking about my troubles. I just wanted them to end, quickly.

Whenever I feel like that, I read and reread and reread my favourite manga of all time, Immortal Rain, slash Meteor Methuselah.

- Rain & Machika look so cute and so sad, I wanna fucking cry. -

Why I Love It

So, it's a shōjo. But, unlike many, it's not completely driven by romance, in fact, it's pretty much action and adventure until we get to Volume 3.

First off, it is SO. DAMN. FUNNY. It never fails to cheer me up, especially Rain himself!

Then again, it kind of has to be, because the bits that aren't funny or action-based are incredibly depressing and tragic, like for example, pretty much all of the characters are orphans, and the one set of parents in it have lost a child. But it all forms a wonderfully well-told and illustrated story.

Second, Kaori Ozaki can REALLY DRAW!!!!

If there's one thing that can put me off a manga, it's when the illustrations are really bad. As manga, like comics, are image based, it's really hard for me to get through it if the characters are badly drawn. There is something so subtle about Immortal Rain. I find that it's not flashy or showy or overdone - even for Ayla, who could've easily had many more kawaii features and bigger eyes. I love love love the design of all of the characters. Will talk about my favourite character designs below.

Also, Kaori Ozaki draws action really well. There's this other manga I was reading years ago that I liked called King Of Hell by Ra In-Soo and Kim Jae-Hwan. The story is great, plot moves a little slow, but the action is really messy. It takes away from the satisfaction of seeing Majeh fight the demons because there's so many motion lines that you can't actually see what he's doing. It's really frustrating as him fighting demons and rival fighters is quite a lot of the manga.

But in Immortal Rain, it take you from one step to the next in a series of short pictures. I see the fighting sequence so clearly and quickly in my head that it gets me excited and tense even though I already know who's gonna win.

Also, for a shōjo, it's pretty gruesome! I mean, the Angels look horrific. They were drawn AMAZINGLY, especially Mother May, who is as creepy as FUCK. She's got a damn baby staring out of her stomach! There's a lot of action in there, its fast paced... this is why I love it.

 - 2-page spread from Chapter 7 of the Evans Gang. I LOVE AMY SO MUCH! (holding the spanner.) Why does Eury look like such a cocky idiot? Oh wait - that must be because he is. -

Next, the characters of Imm.Rain are the BEST.

They are so great, that I realised Rain had begun to influence my Architect character from my story 10 Lives Of The Immortal Architect Which By The Way Will Probably Not Be Called That Anymore. In appearance only though, not in personality. In personality, the Architect originally stemmed from Vega as he's depicted in the Street Fighters animated movie (I LOVE ME SOME VEGA) and Yoite from Nabari No Ou (Aww, Yoite... let's not go there, or I really will cry). In fact, the Architect is such a hybrid that he became an original character before I had a chance to decide what made him a special protagonist. I kind of wanted to revert him back to his original brutal nature, but I can't bloody change him b/c he's too unique how he is now.

Anyway.

Sharem began to influence my Danica character from Detonator, but again, in appearance only. Her personality is more like... well... actually, quite a bit like Rain's!

- Rain being a doofus -

I love that at the beginning/end of some volumes, you get a little character bio and some fighting techniques. I LOVE THAT. It's so cool!

Many of the characters change throughout, and it's all believable. The Doctor and Dora Folk immediately stand out as characters that are not central, and yet the story couldn't continue without them as Dora Folk is the one who makes Rain take out his cross, and the doctor saves Machika from the crumbling Angel Sanctuary. They do more, but just in brief, yeah. They're boss.

But there is something even more important why I love Immortal Rain: IT ENDS.

Manga volumes are known to span on for ever and ever. I think the Naruto volumes spans in into the seventies? Beyond? It seems Kaori Ozaki wrote this with an end in sight, that is why it's so perfect. The story was set in stone, complete, perfect, packing a punch, and ending on a high.

I am SO GUTTED because I only have eight volumes sitting on my shelf, but there are eleven. I read the end to the series online; I had no choice, Tokyopop didn't print the last three in English - maybe due to lacking popularity. I think they have been printed in French, however. How could it be more popular in France and not in the UK or US?! That sucks!

It really does suck, because I jumped on the bandwagon years after it had been first printed, so I'm guessing the original hype about it had come and gone. I don't care. I'm just going to learn Japanese and buy the Japanese version to read...

Characters And Kiki

Rain - This guy.... my God. No description could do him justice. It surprises me to remember that he came from an unusual background, I think he grew up at the church-place from orphans? It's so sad that Rain and Machika don't have much family and always seem really lonely...

Soo, Methuselah, aka. Rain Jewlitt. Adorable, loveable, and has such... moral righteousness, I guess. Because of that, I think he'd be brave even without being immortal and invincible. Yuca sealed him into a terrible fate. But because he knows that he is, he takes even extra opportunities to help and save people, and it's not really clear whether he can feel the pain and is hiding it, or not. His body gets mangled in quite a lot of different ways... um, quite a lot of times. Poor guy.

LOVE LOVE LOVE him with short hair at the end!

There... IS one thing that gets me. Not exactly a flaw, but it stokes my fires of curiosity. It's evident that, for Yuca, being immortal robs him of all feeling and makes him apathetic, cruel and brutal, but only in the sense that he no longer has any regard for human life. Rain has been alive for SIX HUNDRED YEARS - how the hell can he still be willing to save people when he's witnessed all the terrible, horrible things they do out of greed?

I mean, it just makes him an even more amazing character, but still, it's interesting. It's hard to think that he can, but that was the test Yuca sent him in the first place by making him immortal. Even Yuca couldn't believe that he was still willing to save humanity when he came back. Damn. This guy.

Machika - she's such a wonderful character. I love that she has the inner conflict of carrying on her Grandfather's legacy and being a strong fighter, and on the other hand just being a teenage girl trying to stumble her way through life. Ugh, I can't. She's too cool.

Sharem - my favourite female character from any manga ever full stop. Short blonde hair, cold eyes, very slender and very tall (for a woman, compared to the male characters). From this manga, she battles with Rain and Machika, but still I think she would come out top. Where do I begin? She's powerful, beautiful, influential, manipulative, a mother figure to her several dozen adoptive children who are willing to fight and do anything for her, she's one scary, mad-strong fighter, and she has a backstory that makes me choke up. You don't fuck with Sharem! Oh no you don't. If she was a Game Of Thrones character, she'd be Cersei. Pardon me - Queen Cersei.

- Yuca and Sharem -

Yuca / Ys - such a brilliant character. Effortlessly terrifying. The scene where he is born (not as a baby but as a young boy) is fucking creepy. Seeing him as a young adult in Rain's flashback was really interesting as well. To be honest, Freya must be weird to love someone so emotionless. How can she prefer him to Rain?! Rain's adorable! But anyway, perfect character as a baddie - hes not evil through and through, his experiences have made him the way he is, which makes it even sadder.

Besides that, there's one thing I don't quite get - and that is at the very end, (SUPER SUPER SPOILER! I DID WARN YOU!) when he is finally released and no longer immortal. I REALLY DON'T GET THAT! How exactly did that happen? I'm going to need to read it over and over until I get it.

Ayla (above, if the pic is still showing) - She. Is. Gorgeous. Kaori Ozaki did say somewhere that she was the most glamorous character, but her outfits are amazing throughout the series. Mind you, she only has a few, but each one is stunning in it's own right. It's kinda funny to see her running around in heels in the middle of all of this action. Her backstory about the King she was in love with (Yakoh, I think) was so tragic. That was REALLY tragic, and right at the beginning of the story too, like, Volume 1. Man, everytime I think of it I get sad.

There's this spread at the end of Volume 5 that I really adore. I just look at it and slap my hands to my cheeks saying 'omigod! Shesocute!'

Eury - this guy is the best fucking badass EVER. Okay? Ever! He is a super flirt and his antics are hilarious. He's also really cocky and standoffish. His flirtations with Sharem got me grinning cause she must be in her early 30's or something and Eury's got to be like 18? Hahaha! That's kind of why I like his character, he's never afraid to try. He gets himself into so many scrapes. I like how he ends up in Rain and Machika's lil group, when he was at first a baddie. I should really say 'antagonist' but whadafuk. Who cares.

Dora Folk - This man is really really original. I don't really know how because he's your typical I Want To Be Powerful And Rule The World bad guy but it stems from Yuca/Ys's messing about with angel experiments and he's very clever about how to get what he wants. Maybe that's no excuse, idano. I can't say much more because trying would just be a disgrace to this character.

- from Kaori Ozaki's Website. Like the last 2 pics on the post, I love it because you get to see most of the characters together in this happy little scene (Dora Folk, WTF?) but sad as well because you know this would and can never... never happen... -

The Doctor - I love this man! He's sooo science-obsessed, yet so calm and cool and suave. Also he gives Rain and Machika really good advice and his glasses make him look cute.

Freya - This is gonna be very very bias as I am pro-Raichika and anti-Raiya, plus she is kind of annoying, BUT, I didn't really like Freya. I think she's one of those characters that's meant to be ambiguous as of course we as the reader are rooting for Machika. But it's sad because you feel Rain's pain, as obviously he loved her, and Yuca killed her in cold blood. And Freya wasn't mean or a bad character, just boring and flat compared to Machika.

Jileena - I like her spunk. The fact that she tried so hard to get Sharem's love and approval brings on my weepy face. It makes me laugh how she's always out to get Machika. It's a perfect match! I love seeing them face off in a fight.

Kiki - I want me a Kiki so bad. It's an abandoned angel experiment that Machika takes care of, it's cute little cat/fox thing with three eyes and when it grows up, it TALKS! That really shocked me when I picked up Volume 5 and saw it TALKING! But it was a great addition to the story.

To Wrap It Up

Here's the thing... just a little thing really. Well... at the start of the series when Chi develops her crush on R, she's fourteen. Fine. But... like I said, here's the thing... Rain is 624... although he behaves like a ten year old... and he's been immortal for 600 years so that in principle makes him TWENTY-FOUR!

It's a bit weird! I have no problem with 10 year age gaps, any age gaps for that matter - my own Mum and Dad are 10 years apart in age but they met when my Mum was 20, not when she was 14! Anyway... so yeah, that had me wide-eyed. To be honest, I think saying he's been immortal for 600 years may not be strictly true. It may be slightly more or less. He could be in his late-teens, early-twenties. I suppose 24 is early. LOL! But other than that, I Don't Give A Fuck, RAICHIKA ALL THE WAY.

Next step?

Well, again, it's been years since I.R. came out. I discovered it so long ago and keep going back to it time and time again. But I have heard that there's this mini serial of Rain and Machika's grandfather Zol (who looks REALLY young to be her grandfather by the way) and their adventures together, which must be supercool so I should really hunt that down.

 - Both images from Kaori Ozaki's website, if they're still showing -

Wow. What a super long post.

I feel miles better after writing that. Of course, I should have been writing my essay, but this made me happier and therefore was worth it.



Star.
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