Faith and Belief

I get so confused on what I should believe sometimes. The principles I believe in, as they relate to kindness and humanity, have been tested so much lately. As for me personally, I no longer feel like I actually emulate the qualities that I believed existed in everyone. So the beliefs I've held for so long about the intrinsic nature of human beings is really being shaken right down to the foundation.

No doubt, COVID-19 severing me completely and utterly from my community has left me fragile and in a dark place.

I hate to go on about it, but Mama did say a lot of things to me about religion that really fucked me up, largely because a lot of what she says is contradictory, which is stressful when combined with emotional blackmail and extreme ultimatums. On the one hand, I'm grateful my parents let me have my own spiritual/religious beliefs which, as I've gotten older, tends to overlap with theirs anyway. On the other, their beliefs exemplify their cynicism about humanity. I think it stems from things they have seen or suffered. I can't blame them. But I also can't follow them down that path. I feel like if I believe people are wired to be selfish and cruel, the meaning of life is reduced to so little that perhaps it's barely worth living. I don't know.

Troubled thoughts on a Thursday night.

Star . 

The Best Of Bob Proctor

I want to print this off as a huge poster and stick it up in my room!! Tuning my life to more of the below will surely bring good things. (Or at least better than I'm getting right now.)

This image is from Mind Valley Academy.

Click the link for the full size of this image (and read the quotes properly).

Star xx

Bit By Bit

I'm am so grateful for all of the support around me, friends, family, counsellors, those at my university, etc. SO grateful, words will never describe. So relieved to know that even if they can't understand me, they do really and truly care about me, and want to see me improve because they believe I can recover.

I'm so, so lucky, because some people don't have the amount of people support them that I do. I'm scared of letting all of them down, though I'm determined not to. I want to show them I can be strong, maybe I could even be an inspiration. It would make me beyond happy if I could help someone else get out of the place I am. Or I'll be saying then - the place I've been.

I try to live by the Abraham Hicks philosophy.

Life doesn't start when my dreams come true, or when my future partner (ha, joke) turns up in my life or when I move into that dream house or whatever it is I'm aiming for, it's right now, I'm living it right now. I often ask myself, what can I do to be happy right now? If I'm really in that dark place, I'll sardonically think 'kill myself', but more often than not I'll actually take it seriously and try to do something that makes me smile. Not even laugh, just smile. It's a start.

It can be tough trying to climb my way up bit by bit, but just for those moments where I am relieved that the pressure has been taken off my mind, I am thankful. It is scary though, because when every so often, that haunting depression comes back, I start to believe that I will never shake it off.

But I think one day I will. I'm starting to turn the different areas of my life around slowly, and although I crash and burn (a lot) I will alway pray that, in the end, I can hold on to the feeling of how wonderful it is to be alive.



S.K.
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Marlise Karlin workshop at Mind Body Spirit Festival 2013 =]

Today, I had a numbing, awesome and frightening experience that I need to get down to remind myself that it was real tomorrow, hence my typing this at half past midnight. In light of how I feel right now, it's tempting to go back and delete every pessimistic blog post I ever wrote, but I need them to check my progress.

I am writing this primarily for me, this blog being the only virtual diary I've got.

Marlise Karlin, when responding to a question on what the Simplicity Of Stillness actually was, defined it as trying to 'label' and 'A-B-C' things that cannot be labelled, the intangible, trying to give a form to the formless. In truth, that is what I am trying to do in this blog post. In that sense, it seems not purposeful and futile, but I am doing it anyway.

(I love this picture. So intense, I feel like she is looking into my soul)

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Appeal To Abraham Hicks

I hope Abraham can help me at this time.

I am making it my goal to do everything within my power to learn, grow, move forwards and above all be happy. I pray that I learn what I need to learn from those around me, accept that they live in my world, but ultimately focus on my own happiness and well-being and bring positive vibrations into my experience. I understand that I have and am and will get things wrong, but I want to learn how to be better. It's difficult to forever stay in a place that constantly moves towards the positive but I am trying, as I will continue to do until I 'croak'.

There's so much I want to learn. There is so much I am afraid of, like death. I am afraid of my death, the death of friends and loved ones. How do I accept and let go of that fear?

There's so much I want to do in my life. I have so many goals I want to accomplish. I want these things so badly, and although part of me eagerly awaits their arrival, another part fears that it will never come. How do I let go of that fear?

A few months ago, I heard about Amanda Todd for the first time. I found it hard to get to sleep that night. My sorrow that she went through such a horrific experience and that people in the world could be so cruel was immense. It swallowed me whole. There are little things I hear about that make me feel so depressed that for a short while, I feel removed from this world. The earth feels so empty, the couple billion people on it are nothing compared to the vastness of all the planets and stars in the universe.

BUT I UNDERSTAND that I have to keep moving towards a positive vibration, or my experience on Earth will not be a pleasant one.

I want to remember to give more gratitude for what I have in my daily life.

I want to attract the incredible experiences of the world into my life.

I want myself, and my friends and family, to be happy in this lifetime.

So I ask of Abraham Hicks, please bestow your guidance on me. I am already eternally grateful to know that Source Energy is in me, and I only ask to be graced with further wisdom.



With Love,
Me.
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Falun Dafa presents... SHEN YUN :')

I was on my way to work when the exact poster you see above caught my eye. I don't know what it was that triggered such an instant response but I knew I had to see Shen Yun 2012. I saved the details and had it booked as soon as I got paid.

Even though I know people who would appreciate classical Chinese dance, no-one I know loves it as much as I me, so I bought my ticket with the intention that I'd be going alone, although I did ask my eldest sister and my Mama, who said it wasn't their type of thing. But when I showed my mother the trailer, instantly she said 'Ooo, I wanna see that!' I just rolled my eyes. Sometimes I just don't know what to do with my family - especially my eldest sister, who was later annoyed that I supposedly didn't ask her to come to something that supposedly wasn't her thing ANYWAY... (see where I'm going with this...?)... that's why sometimes I just have to shut my mouth and go about my business - because people are f***ing crazy.

The London Coliseum is one BEAUTIFUL piece of architecture, really and truly. Seeing as I was by myself and twenty minutes early, I just bought a programme, went into the theatre and stared at everything, especially the dome in the ceiling, with delicate engraved designs in them. There was a statue of a male holding the leesh of three lions, to which I thought - 'Oo! I have an idea.' In fact, everything I saw inspired me for a book. 

It felt weird at first, being a 19 year old black girl sitting the the middle of a sea of mainly Asian and white adults and children. Maybe I would've felt uncomfortable if it hadn't been for the fact that I was there because I really, really wanted to be there regardless of what anyone else thought, did or said. So, I didn't let myself feel awkward at the composed white lady on my left and the Chinese lady who came with the white gentleman on my right.

When the show started, I was so excited that I kinda had to clench my fists to stop them shaking. My rule of thumb is: You Know That You Absolutely Love A Show When You Want To See It Again After The First Act. I rarely get that, but I got it with this! The opening was dynamic, with the use of large drums that sat on the ground. I was in awe at the precision of the dancers, and also at how incredibly smoothly the transition into various formations - HAVING TO ROLL THE DRUMS AROUND WITH THEM TOO - was executed.

I was like, WOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.........

And suddenly I knew how much I had to improve to achieve highly when I start my Dance degree this year. I don't think I ever perceived formations like that before.

The poise of the dancers was brilliant as well. The female dancers were graceful, the male dancers were noble, all of the dancers had admirable classical technique and agility. The ladies costumes were so pretty! They were vivid, bright and flowing, and very specific to Chinese culture. The combination of some colours like yellow and green, blue and pink and so on, were so nice.

The way props were incorporated in the piece was clever, expressive, and very fluid: staffs, headdresses, Chinese fans, brooms, basins, washcloths, khata, spears, twirl-sequined handkerchiefs and my absolute favourite - water sleeves. They looked like huge ribbons attached to their arms... and you know how I feel about ribbons. :) <3

I really liked the hosts - I wish I knew their names! The lady spoke in Chinese for a lot of it but her presentation was so gracious, while the guy spoke in English for most of it, and he was quite funny. I was unprepared for the American accent the first time he spoke, but then I had a bit of a DURH moment when I remembered that the company is based in New York.

Now, favourite acts. I quite liked An Era Begins, simply because it was so dynamic. Sleeves Of Silk was beautifully choreographed and I adored that one. And God, the music for the Taiwanese Amei Dance was stuck in my head ALL NIGHT, and every time I thought of it I just wanted to dance. I don't even know how I remembered it. The headdresses in that one were very good too, they made a lovely sound whenever the dancers moved their heads. The Martial Arts Training Ground was... I think the one word that can describe it accurately is Supercool, which you won't find in your dictionary, heh. That one was athletic and traditional, and a great way to show off the dancers abilities and technique. I really enjoyed that one. I quite liked Dance Of The Quang People because it kind of reminded me of Taiwanese Amei Dance in the sense of the unity of the people, the sense of culture and community. The choreo was also quite quirky, and that really caught my attention. I loved loved loved Lady Mu Guiying Commands The Troops. The dancer who played Lady Mu Guiying was just incredible, and her movements were strong and proud. I felt so inspired after this piece. Finally, I think Snowflakes Welcoming Spring has got to have a mention because it was sooo CUTEEE.

A lot of the acts were sweet and funny, like How The Monkey King Came To Be and Joyful Little Monks. Others were quite serous and political, like The Dafa Practitioners Magical Encounter and The Choice.

The digital projection used was so clever in how it worked with dancers entering and exiting the stage. The images used were so beautiful, I really want to put huge printed frames of them on my wall so I can feel happily transported wherever I look. It would be great if I could get them. Saying that, it would be doubly great if I could buy a recorded performance of Shen Yun 2012 too. I'd love to watch it again from start to finish.

And or course the MUSIC, which was BREATHTAKING with a LIVE ORCHESTRAAAAA... and that was the only thing I really regretted, that being sat in the third row of the balcony seats meant that I couldn't see hardly any of the orchestra, only a few of the horns. I even considered going to see it again while they're still in London just to sit at the front and watch the orchestra! The music made me so happy. When the host said that it was a mix of Chinese, Classical and Western instruments, my mouth just about dropped open because I've had a fascination for that for the past month and a half since I finished The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword game (which used a full orchestra for the soundtrack.) -sigh- maybe one day.

The opera singers were unexpected, but pleasant to listen to. The lyrics were quite moving too, particularly in Are The Vows Forgotten?, when my mind was filled with wonder at 'We walk the path led by the divine', and 'Have you forgotten the vows made at the creation of the world? They are your hope to return home'.

At the end there must've been about two or three curtain calls, but they should've gotten even more. I only stopped clapping because my arms started to hurt. The guy on my right turned to me and said, "What did you think of that?" and so many words came to mind that after initial stuttering I could only say, "Ah, it was beautiful." Simply put.

I ended up chatting with the lady sitting to my left on the way out, who I at first thought must be some middle-class avid theatre-goer or maybe a journalist. She actually turned out to be a nice lady who enjoyed doing yoga with an interest in dance and how bodies move. She also helped me figure out how to fix my cheapo Primark bag, so I thanked her for that because the zip has been jammed for weeks now.

I feel so inspired to create a classical dance piece. Maybe when I go to university I can find dancers for it. I even knew what I'd like it to be called; Heaven On The Edge Of The Waters. Or something like that. I know what I want it to look like too. I was practically dancing as I got ready for bed, trying to be a little Chinese flower fairy. : )

Then, I had a intriguing dream that fitted perfectly with the title of my Dance-To-Be...

Star's Dream:
(Heaven) On The Edge Of The Waters

After watching Shen Yun, I got back late-ish, went to bed around one in the morning, and then I had the most interesting, curious dream.

It involved me trying to find a home for my people, as their leader. The Earth King refused to have us. The Earth and Air civilisations had rejected us, so I led my group of outcasts into the water, where we could find a home. All of my people were somehow adapted to hold oxygen for a long time if needed, so I had to train them to hold more for longer underwater. I took them further than we had ever been in the depths of the water until turquoise became indigo, and we eventually found a paradise that had reserves of a mystical food that could not be found anywhere else in the world. Once the Air Queen heard, she made a 'casual' visit to see for herself. She requested to take the reserve but we refused her. My people didn't just find heaven of the edge of the waters, we also found our home.

Love and Light,
S.K. xx
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I Mean BUSINESS.

These last few days, the weather had been so beautiful that for London, in March, its just unbelievable.

That's only one factor that's helped add to my positive mood. I feel a lot better physically now I'm not eating so much crap and doing my excerise daily again. I'm also taking this appetite supplement I found in As Nature Intended to help with it. On top of that, I'm continuing to write Battlegame Forfeit, even though The Hunger Games was released this week and the advertisement for it is bombarding me everywhere. Once I put my mind to it, turning that frustration of that into a motivation had really helped.

Oh - and did I mention? I'm starting my own business.

I have to give the credit to the books I read recently; Rich Dad Poor Dad by Robert Kiyosaki, and Think And Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill. That sparked the epiphany. I want to control my income. I want to work to benefit myself and help my family, not just the guy who owns the company I work for who then pays me - and I eventually get what's left over after tax. I want to publish my own work, including my novels and so much more. I'm also considering an online business - eBay will be consuming much of my time today, because I reread The Internet Income Detective issues by Jon Street (who is amazing, by the way), and I feel so inspired that I am compelled to do something TODAY. Right now. So I am GOING to make it work, and I'm am GOING to make made a decent start by tomorrow. That's a promise. :)

I must always tell myself; I have a burning desire to be financially independent and I will NEVER STOP until I have realised my goal. I'm quite excited, actually. Being 19 years old, I feel like I've got time to make it work and (hopefully not, but I can't rule this out) make mistakes, so I can learn from them. Anyway, I'm just updating. I won't spend any more time writing this when I could be making a fortune =D Well, I'm off to start a business. Ciao!



Mz Dark Star
Entrepreneur
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Brian Tracy and The Miracle Of Self Discipline

My Progress

Its the first of March, and I feel as if I'm in a completely different place to where I was at the beginning of February, even though technically I'm in exactly the same place, I just left and came around full circle in the space of 29 days. (Leap year, yay!)

Using The Miracle Of Self Discipline, I've managed to implement certain structures into my life that not only order my mind and my time, but also make me always feel as if I'm doing something worthwhile every moment of the day. My day used to be a sluggish mesh of things, now I'm progressing forward and doing a lot of stuff I didn't get to do before.

The moment I wake up, it's either yoga or a power walk. This happens at around 6am every morning, (although only because I start work at 8.30, to be honest. If I started later, I'd probably wake a little later) and I'm doing my Daily Goal Setting diectly after that. Those are both on my Daily Time Management list - anything that not on the list won't be done. I'm always looking at that list throughout the day, and I never forget the stuff I need to do. I feel a lot better now I'm drinking so much more water and eating more fruit.

One of the disciplines was on learning - I'm going to read at least ONE spiritual book a week. That equates to fifty-two books a year, which is equal to a PhD in the field of spirituality. HECK YA. At the moment, I think I'm pushing about seven books a year, which IS good considering that the average adult reads ONE book a year, but I could be doing  lot better, especially as I love to read and did so a lot more when I was younger. So yeah, basically. I'm 'bout to smash my personal record. Bring on Diana Cooper.

The one thing I wasn't aware was going to change so drastically was my preference to things like music. As I've been practising sitting in solitude, I realised just how desperately I needed something as blissful and as simple as silence. When I was the most stressed, the only thing that could calm me and take my mind off my worries was listening to instrumental music that captured my imagination and inspired me (- at the moment, the soundtrack to the Jade Empire and The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword games are the only ones that do it). The good thing was that the lack of words gave only an atmosphere, not a theme. Now I've begun my self disciplines, I really don't like listening to any kind of music with words - because I suddenly feel like the stuff people sing about nowadays are stupid, pointless, egoistic, or plain ridiculous, and have no real emotion whatsoever. The genres I used to listen to, RnB, rock, alternative, indie, dubstep and dance-electronica - all the artists I used to listen to; Drake, Nicki Minaj, etc - kinda bore me now. Rock music, as much as I love it, is too dissonant for my soul right now. Any type of commercial music really irritates me.

I listen to spiritual music a lot more than before; Maya Fiennes, Kate McKenzie, etc. Plus I should really get those old CD's Mama had of the sounds of the sea or waterfalls on my iPod, because that's what's going to keep me calm and focussed. It's old that I feel this way (lol I'm ninteteen, not ninety-nine) but I know that's what I need for the moment. My feelings may change again soon. Who knows.

And GOD - I want to buy SO many crystals. I want to light up my room with them. Them and scratchcards. And plants, to fill it with life and healing energy. I'm going to try really hard to raise my frequency this year, especially with this year (2012) being such a pivotal year for spiritual change, either for better or worse. So, I'm saving up for loads of nice stuff that make me happy. WOOT!

Love and Light, always.
SK. xx

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It Really Was A Miracle

This past week has been a radical change for me. I've gone from being completely depressed and without aspiration, to being utterly and blissful happy and positive for the future.

As many people knew, I was very down in the last few weeks. Those who did know were mainly family - I was so withdrawn that I fell out of contact with a lot of friends, and only now am I beginning to get back in touch with them. The reason for my unhappiness was difficult to explain to those who asked why I looked to sad all the time. Generally I would just tell them that I was just having a stressful time at work, but it was more than that; between work and home, I was miserable. I found escape nowhere. I was worried about the university degree I'm starting in September, worried about these endless books that I've begun and haven't completed, about the new work location I'd moved to and how uncomfortable and exasperated the staff made me feel, what my future would be like and whether it would feel like this. I felt insecure about my looks. I knew that to wallow in that negativity all the time was seriously bad for my health, but didn't know how to turn it around, as I mentioned in my last depressing post.

BUT.

I made a decision about my job that, after all my tears, has lifted a great weight off my shoulders. My eldest brother (lets call him 'Jules'), my sister (lets call her 'Aime') and Annie have helped me through it and talked to me quite a lot about it... in this post I'm literally just going to lay it out and ascertain that I did the right thing.

Sunday before last, I was a bit of an emotional wreck about work. (I had changed locations, so let's call the first job I had Old Job and the place I moved to, where I felt quite on edge and uneasy, New Job.) I was struggling to get on with the staff. Some things take time to get used to, but this was really getting me down. I felt as if I wasn't doing as well at New Job. I already know that little things bother me easily, and it's one of the greatest challenges that I have to overcome when it comes to me, but on that Sunday (the 19th), I really felt as if I'd reached my limit. In my opinion, crying over work is absolutely not worth it, because nothing should make anyone feel that upset - if that's the case, somebody needs to change job. But I was in tears. I felt pointless for being that sad, but at the same time I didn't want to move yet because I didn't want to feel like I was running away from my problems; I'd only been there for three weeks.

Jules saw that I'd been upset and spoke to me for a little while (for the record, this hasn't happened in a very long while, I don't see him that much) and offered me a suggestion that completely terrified me, although I knew it was a sure-fire way to address the problem. The next day when I was leaving for work, he spoke to me again and gave me the courage I needed. I managed to talk to some people and for the time being, I'm moving back to my old location, which was much simpler than I ever could've imaginedas a colleague had recently left, which was unexpected and quite sad, as I spoke with her quite a bit. It's a solution that I was very much hoping for, and I should have felt happy. But even after that, I still felt down.

On the phone to Aime, she told me (with her mouth full of Beef Casserole) "I don't understand what the problem is. You got what you wanted, you should be happy!"

I agreed. I should be. My mother very HELPFULLY (that's sarcasm) made a point about problems in life coming back around when you run away instead of tackle them. I'd already had the thought that maybe I'd run out on a problem instead of addressing it, so I resented her for being that injection of doubt when I was trying to be happy. But at the same time, I wasn't 'running out' on the problem strictly speaking, but taking holding of an opportunity at Old Job that I was a afraid I wouldn't get again. I wanted to stay with my old team.

Then, of Wednesday evening (the same day I'd been speaking to Aime on the phone,) I listened to 'The Miracle Of Self-Discipline', by Brian Tracy.

Basically... I felt as if I'd been retaught all the things I had known and forgotten at some point, only I was being reminded of them at a time when I really, really needed it. That in itself completely changed my mood. Everybody in my family who's heard this has been motivated in their life, and I felt exactly the same. It was like a light in a dark room.

More than anything, though, it was a wake-up call. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. The Miracle Of Self Discipline addressed issues I was having to do with my psychical, mental and emotional health, as well as giving me the correct tips to straighten out my life such as Goal Setting and Time Management. It's been about five days now that I've been working through the Nine Disciplines, and by doing that I feel healthier, happier, and very much as if I'm facing several of my problems at once. Suddenly, all the things I want to do in my life are possible again.

At the same time, I've been reading 'Discovering Atlantis' by Diana Cooper and Shaaron Hutton and it's reminded me to be so grateful for everything I have and that I am so blessed to have so many people that care about me and support me. Thinking in this way fills me with a lotta love. :) 

Now, thinking back on my dilemma, I am happy and comfortable with the decision I made. I AM going to make it work, but just like Aime said, "When you think about it, if a manager had to let you go, they would just do it. And you wouldn't have a choice. So if you need to leave somewhere to be happier somewhere else then just leave." Now back at Old Job today, I felt so HAPPY that I could've been a little bubble of joy about to burst. It's been so long since I felt like that. I feel as if my self-esteem has boosted, AND So much of my life has fallen back into order, which is, y'know... great. :)

 

Peace, Love.

Star xx

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