Brian Tracy's 'Think On Paper' Technique

This is an email from my sister I planned to share but never published, drafted on 20/10/2014. Blast from the past, huh?

'The Discipline of Clear Thinking

Think on paper.

ok so some of this might not be completely relevant but i highlighted in purple the part i thought would give you the most clarity about what to do after a situation has affect you. you can get an answer simply form taking the problems out of your head and putting them on paper.
I would say try this in diary style for 21 days. every single day for 21 days only then see if you feel better. after that things in your life should start to improve.

- When dealing with a problem of the situation, and write down every detail, how it happened, what’s going on, who’s involved, the problems that concerns the cost, write it all down. Think on paper.
Sometimes exactly the right choice pops out at you, it becomes clear, but you wouldn’t have triggered the super conscious solution if you hadn’t thought on paper.

Aristotle said wisdom the greatest of all human desires is the ability to make good decisions which is Experience plus Reflection i.e you have an experience, then you reflect on it, what does this experience mean, to me, how can I use that, what can I learn from it.

If you’re facing difficulties ask: What are my assumptions? What am I assuming about this situation that may not be correct?
Be open to doing something completely different.

Another way To improve your thinking, talk it over with someone that you like and trust and give them the details and ask for their feedback or perspective. If in a relationship, the other person can give you a perspective that completely changes your ideas.

Ask - What if my basic assumptions are wrong, about this job / relationship / product / investment / service. Then what would I do. Be open to doing something completely different, admitting the possibility that you may be wrong and doing something completely different.

The best way to reflect on your experiences – go for a walk, don’t take an ipod or anything, go for a walk 30 or 60 minutes and just walk, and while your walking reflect on things going on at work or at home for quality ideas or clarity.'

It's funny, I called my sister yesterday and she mentioned some decade-old emails she found that we sent to each other, talking about completely random, old, bizarre, outdated things we found interesting or funny at the time. I could practically hear her cringe when she said 'Oh yeah, I used to write in pink comic sans font!'

It is embarrassing to stumble across digital time-capsules, but sometimes you find valuable little gems that you forgot about, like the tip above. It's from The Miracle of Self Discipline by Brian Tracy, which is a wealth of information that's helped me at different stages of my life so far. Well worth looking up.

Star . 

Disassociating From Mental Illness

This is a post I drafted on 16/09/2018 but never published. Blast from the past, huh?

Here's my issue.

After all of the years that my mental illnesses have been mistaken for complacency, laziness, insensitivity, or good old millennial distractedness, when I found out that the symptoms I had pointed to depression, or anxiety, I admit it was a relief because I'd started to believe that I was crazy or any of the other things my mum, older sister, or teachers said I was.

I had no room to be angry at their failure to be open-minded about what could turn a quiet, hardworking child into a neurotic, compulsive teenager, because I just wanted to find out how to make it go away. (I would find the space to be enraged five or so years later.) But what ensued was a years-long battle trying to keep myself together enough to finish my studies, dust off my novels in progress and get back to writing and being the consistent blogger I once was.

As mental-illness became a more widely discussed topic, I began to use it as a word to vaguely describe my problems without having to go into detail, and because I was tired of saying the same things over and over: I'm tired, I'm empty, I don't see the point. I'm suffocated, I feel numb, I'm worthless. This is pointless, and so on. That all sounded far worse than just saying "I'm struggling with mental illness" or "I'm feeling depressed" and just leaving it there, letting the person interpret whatever they want.

This week, I had to take a day off work to see a GP to reassess my mental health needs. I had to wait a month for that appointment, and when I got there, the doctor didn't show. Turned out the secretary had put the wrong address on the letter and without apologising, said that the next available appointment would now be mid-October. I immediately and gratefully accepted but the moment I put the phone down I was furious. It hasn't been the first time that I've been messed around by NHS mental health services and as a consequence felt like no-one cares. Admittedly, a staggering number of people desperately need access to their services which is why I was grateful to get an appointment at all, but as a result nobody is truly given the kind of care they deserve. Ironically, private care would solve that issue but if I could afford that I wouldn't be on a four-month waiting list to see an NHS counsellor for little or nothing.

I've been listening to motivational videos all month, mainly Marie Forleo, Brian Tracy, Tony Robbins and Jim Rohn. I put into practice writing down my goals and how I want my life to be, and the type of person I want to be. As I was doing this, it hit me that if I don't want to be quote-unquote 'Depressed' - a Depressed person - then I have to stop identifying with being depressed. Such a simple concept, yet I didn't realise how much I came to rely on that label, using it find out where to get help and where it was safe to talk. Although it's important to me to have that safety net, I can't achieve anything amazing in my comfort zone. Also, since I have been cleaning up my diet and eating more fresh fruits and vegetables, drinking more water, taking time out of my day to doing something calming and relaxing, my mood has improved a lot. Though that might not always be the case, I have to seize this energy while I can.

I don't want to be depressed, or anxious - but joyful, appreciative and peaceful, so this is now my daily affirmation. I'm going to say it every day until I believe it. I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to focus on the awful things that are always happening in the world and in my social circle. I can't change those things, only myself. I feel desperate to change, but I will turn this into determination to change.

When I think about myself, when I describe myself, I don't ever want mental illness to be a part of that. Easier said than done - but seeing as I said it, I might as well do it.

I wish I could go back and give my younger self a warm hug, and all the love and compassion I really needed and never received from anyone around me at the time. But you can't send love back in time.

Star .

So... My Star Sign Has Changed?

Ophiucus? Amazing 😮 ...never heard of it.

Er... why did it change though?

Well apparently, Ophiucus was always there. It was allegedly discovered by the ancient Babylonians with the other twelve signs - but it didn't fit neatly into the original twelve constellations (which coincided neatly with the twelve calendar months) so they left it out.

The dates for Ophiucus are 29 November - 17 December, which means I fall under his star sign. I think it's represented by a man (naturally) holding a snake (worse than a centaur).

Astrology has always been interesting to me. That said, I've never identified so irresolutely with being a Sagittarius that this news is devastating. I haven't made any huge life decisions solely based on astrology, or forged relationships based on horoscope compatibility. For the most part, it's just weird to not think of myself as a Sagittarius. I'll have to overwrite all of my thoughts about it, mentally ingrained over 20-odd years - Jupiter, fire-sign, centaur, my birthstone is blah, I'm compatible with blah, my personality traits are blah...

Yeah, I guess I don't care. I might still miss being a Sagittarius. 

... Ophiucus has a nice ring to it though.

Star . 

Verb: defenestration

Image: examiner.com

1. a throwing of a person or thing out of a window
2. a usually swift dismissal or expulsion (as from a political party or office)

... this word really sounds a lot worse that it's meaning would warrant.


Star xx

My New Kawaii :3

This:

Kitty ツ


This:

'-'


and THIS:

awesomeness awesomethings

O_O

Star xx

TOUR - Leeds Castle, Dover, Canterbury and River Thames!

Image from Groupon

Castles, cathedrals and cliffs are among Kent's most celebrated historical sites, and can be explored during a luxury coach trip with Premium Tours. Setting out from Victoria Coach Station, the tour first makes its way to Leeds Castle, arriving before the site opens to the public. Visitors have the courtyards and crenellations to themselves as they explore the Norman castle, which bestrides two islands at the centre of an idyllic lake, and was once home to Henry VIII. The tour visits the chapel, galleries and banqueting hall, and offers opportunities to admire the estate's scenery and wildlife, keeping eyes peeled for black swans.

The coach then takes a scenic route along coastal roads with sweeping views of the white cliffs of Dover, before heading back inland to Canterbury. Participants can round off their tour with free time to explore the Chaucerian city's older areas before heading back to London. Alternatively, visitors can purchase fast-track entrance to the famous cathedral in order to fully explore the destination of one of medieval Europe's major pilgrimages. On returning to the capital, visitors also have the opportunity to purchase a further trip to Greenwich by way of a return catamaran cruise down the Thames.

Yesterday I went on a coach tour out of London... I'd hoped it would be a break and I could clear my mind, maybe work on my business plan. That turned out to be not quite possible as the tour guide (Frank, entertaining guy) did a commentary all throughout the day and I wanted to listen, but the trip in itself turned out to be of much more value than I expected; I got to take a break from all types of work, I got inspiration for my novel, AND I got to go on a boat across the river Thames! =D (Admittedly, I didn't really read the above deal description...at all XD )

Well, first thing's first - I was almost LATE for the tour =/ I forgot that the last time I went to Victoria Coach station, it was later in the morning. This time I was travelling just before the worst bit of the morning rush hour. I had to catch a bus from the train station to the coach station, and made it just in time. Even now, I can't believe that I actually did make it in time! Those things seem to happen


Leeds Castle - This part was so intriguing. I loved looking around inside the Castle. Lady Baillie was such a fascinating person, I feel compelled to learn more about her now I'm back home. It was so peaceful and tranquil out there, I could just sit by that lake for ages. There was lots of green and lots of pretty flowers... and geese. LOTS of geese. And ducks! I got a mocha at Costa to keep me awake, and when I sat at the tables outside there was - well I THINK it was - a peacock out there, just walking around and waddling up to customers. It was somehow cute and surreal, that does doesn't happen in London. Plus the peacock was HUGE! One HUGE bird! And it seemed to be very familiar with people, it would just walk up to them and loiter around. It was pretty funny, pretty awesome too.

Dover Cliffs - I've always loved looking at the Dover Cliffs. Weird to think that yesterday I stood in front of the sea, considering that I'm always in London and never go on holidays. The tour guide said there was a labyrinth underneath the cliffs, which I never even knew! I have to check that out at some point. I'd been to Dover before, a long time ago. It would be nice to go and stay there for a time. But then if I was going to stay at a seaside town, it might as well be Brighton, or even Dorset - they'd probably be more interesting to me.

Canterbury - I never went inside the cathedral, but I'd been before on a school trip as it didn't bother me, even though I scarcely remember the details. We spent about two hours there. I went for a walk while working out a second version to my (or I suppose Isha K's) song Sidekick, an electropop version I guess. I was looking for a park but I stumbled upon this amazing little riverside green with these leaning willow trees that gave a nice shade. I gave Pixie, my Mum and my Dad a quick phone call, then I walked to a different part of the weather while the sun was still glimmering, then I headed back to the coach. I saw these gorgeous shoes in the Deichmann store there but managed to restrain myself.


Boat Ride on the River Thames - I wasn't even expecting this part of the tour! I must have forgotten or misread something. That little surprise just made it better. The coach dropped us off at Greenwich and we stood on the Meridian Line that sets the time for the rest of the world, more sightseeing, then on the boat. The tour guide made a joke about being ready to row a boat, but I caught on a little late because I was already panicking when I remembered that earlier he said there was a toilet on board, so it couldn't be a rowboat. Then I had to admit to myself, even though I'd kind of tried not to, that my fear of immense amount of water - or more specifically having to swim in it should there be an unforeseen natural disaster - was er.... paramount. I can't lie though, I loved being on that boat. I would've loved to be standing on the roof with the wind in my face. Ahh, one day. And as I said before, I'm on my way to the best life ever, right? (Certainly no point in giving up now =P ) We got off at Embankment, and then I went home, exhausted. SHATTERED actually, to be more precise.



I wish I'd been able to make more business plans, or do some university work, but I just wanted to veg out. So I did, and I think I watched at least five episodes of Fringe back to back, and half a dozen more today. It's getting so good, It's hard to tear myself away. I finally managed to do so today, now I'd reached season 4 episode 1 and things are getting testy in terms of plot. At least I can go to sleep [ SPOILER !!! ] knowing that no-one really, in the basic sense of the word, died.



Star xx
P.S. If I remember, I'll upload the image from my phone!

SUSPENSION

Notice Of Suspension

This blog is now officially on suspension, from at LEAST

 February 2014 to September 2014.

Fine Print.

The Ineffective Valentine's Day

RUSH POST.

I got this awesome picture from Dalanda's blog!

(Like I said before, I went on an investment course, so I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day on Friday until... well, today! Which is stunning, as most years it's smothering. But on that course, we were learning about becoming financially free, so we didn't really have time for that farce.)

I'm going to be honest.

I don't know how the HELL Valentine's Day came about or why we are still celebrating it today. My feelings about it are much like Christmas - the idea is noble, but people make it stink. On the one side, it great that it reminds you to appreciate that special someone once a year. On the other side, People in a Relationship feel Obliged to do Something - like birthdays. And while this is great as a kick in the butt to make sure you are appreciating that person, we all know that this should be more than ONCE A YEAR.

But c'mon guys, you know I'm biased. I don't 'date' (or anything of the sort because the moment things start to go that way I panic - trusting people is hard for me) so it makes no difference at all to me WHAT happens with this holiday. I generally find it sweet when I hear the awesome things that partners did for their other halves, and annoying when people go on about Valentine's in general like it's Christmas. I came across recent blogger posts - Valentines day books, dresses, movies, ideas for the day if you're in a couple or single, basically getting into the spirits of things. Which is not a bad thing. But it's EVERYWHERE. Still not a bad thing... just tiring.

I'm concerned about sounding like a broken record which is why I'm going to post this topic once on my blog, and then I'm never going to do it again. It'll be the Topic That Must not Be Named. Valentine's Day.

After all, society does drive us to believe that we are SUPPOSED to have someone for Valentine's Day, that's we're SUPPOSED to be paired off like Barbies and Kens or albatrosses (I LOVE albatrosses. They're my favourite bird c: ), and that choosing to be single or childless is some sort a moral sin. Bizarre. Oh well. I understand that even continuing to type this post, and then proceeding to post it, I'm suggesting that I somehow care.

Oh well.

I laugh at all the ways retailers encourage excitement in people about all of these moneymaking holidays throughout the year; Christmas, Easter, Black Friday, Valentine's Day. I laughed at feeble Manic Monday attempts, I don't really even know what that is. Anywhoo. I won't be posting about this topic.... pretty much ever again! This post is simply to ponder over it's influence on society and question why we care so much.

Thank God this post is almost over, I'm already getting tired of it.


Wouldn't Valentine's be so much better if it was -

WORLD LOVE DAY...?

Limiting this day to romantic love makes it really crap. Remove that boundary, I think this holiday improves dramatically. I would give flowers and chocolates to EVERYBODY, it would be AWESOME. I laugh embarrassedly now to remember when I made a Valentine's Day card for my MUM. Yeah, I just thought you were supposed to give a card to someone you love! Easy, right? Urgh, facepalm. I only ever see three responses to this holiday, though more could exist;
- Positive (excited people in relationships)
- Negative (bitter people who are single)
- Indifferent (those who don't care either way, regardless of what their status is.)


Look, look, check out this Valentines Day card, I also got this pic off Dalanda XD

Isn't it such an awesome card?

It perfectly sums a child's response to this day. And many adults, actually, at least one's I've spoken to! Check out Nix's blog if you wish to follow her journey. (The post I linked actually gave me the idea for this post.)



Now I've waited all that time talking about this shit, don't mind me if I go to bed.
I do hope everybody who cares had a wonderful Valentine's day, because like I said, the idea is great, and if you had a great day then of course I'm happy for your happiness. I wish people could be happy more. All year round if possible, but there I go a-dreamin'.

I'm very happy to say that I spent the whole day on a course that gave me the tools to start creating my financial freedom. It's the best use of a Valentine's, I think, ever in my life.

Star xx

This is one of my Rush Posts - when they are all posted, you will find my NOTICE OF SUSPENSION.

Shows in London, Spring 2014!

RUSH POST.

As you may know, I'm not the sort of person who goes clubbing or to parties, or the the cinema (I dislike most of the movies showing... pretty much all the time), or bowling (I get really bored by it! Believe it or not!) - yeah, I'm a really sucky 21 year-old. It's funny because in my first year of university, my friends were like, "Oh my goshh, you work sooo hard. You are so dedicated."

And I was like 'Yyyyeahh... my A's and B's do not accurately reflect me playing The Legend Of Zelda days before my unwritten essay was due.'

But honestly, though there are few things that I actually like. I really do love find new places to explore and walking around for ages, especially parks and lakes and LOTS of trees, I love trees - this ALWAYS gives me story inspirations. This is why my Story List is over 100 concepts long. Aside from that, I'm trying to expand my experiences and skills, and I've even considered Roller Discos and Ice Skating, even though the thought makes me wrinkle my nose!

BUT, one thing I really do love is shows. =D

Shows, or otherwise dubbed 'conventions', 'fairs', 'markets', 'exhibitions', I just love them. It's like walking into an exclusive world. I don't even mind if I only like it a little bit - I'm going with my Mum to a knitting show - I just love the idea of being able to find or learn something new there, especially is tickets are very affordable. Saaaay, £6 for two people =D now isn't that awesome?!

I discovered my first 'show' of that sort years ago, at Move It. When I stopped dancing "for good" about 2-3 years ago, I didn't really go to anything, until last year when I decided to go all out and went to MCM, Mind, Body and Spirit, Hyper Japan, National Home Improvement Show (I didn't post about that, I think.), and a few others. So, I've been hunting for shows! I thought this might be interesting for anyone dead bored out of their minds in London.


Shows I'm going to for sure

The Spring Knitting and Stitching Show
WHEN: 13-16 March 2014
WHERE: Olympia London
Website HERE

The Creative Stitches and Hobbycrafts Show
WHEN: 3-5 April 2014
WHERE: ExCel London
Website HERE

I bought both of these for my Mum, and one for me so she wouldn't have to go alone. She really likes this sort of stuff and she runs off the cutest cardigans on her knitting machine. Okay, so the one I saw was for a baby, but whatever man. =P I've wanted to do knitting for quite a while, but being dedicated to reading for uni and for myself, and writing my book and blog posts, I haven't found the time. I'd love to learn a new skill though. Been saying this for a while!


Pondering..
(in chronological order)

I found most of these on Amazon local or Groupon, so if you live in there area, check on there to get great deals! just go there first and type in the deal, or you can prob type it into google and it'll come up.

Who Do You Think You Are? Live
WHEN: Thurs 20th Feb, Fri 21st Feb, Sat 22nd Feb '14
WHERE: Olympia London
Website HERE
As I wanted to write a legacy of my family, I stopped to think when I saw this. The only thing is, I'm not particularly interested in this. I think I'll pass.

Art14 London: London's Global Art Fair
WHEN: 28 February and 1-2 March 2014
WHERE: Kensington Olympia (Hammersmith, basically..)
Website HERE
I generally like innovative art, but because my mind is... er... overactive, creative, crazy and the like, if I can see an image or make a narrative out of it, I like it much better. A black dot on a white canvas... I'm not sure if that really does it for me, though it does make me think about creation, I guess...
My favourite types of art are what I call Immediate Impact art. I also call it Officially WOW images on my Pink Sovereign blog. It's the images that make to inhale sharply on first sight. I love wild, bright colours, fantasy settings, aesthetic pictures. Yeah. That's me.

Ideal Home Show
WHEN: 14th to 30th March 2014 !! =D
WHERE: Earls Court Exhibition Centre
Website HERE

I'd heard of this before but knew little about it. My Mum says it's really popular, which may explain why it runs for half a month!!!! I think it would be great for ideas on improving our home.

London Super Comic Convention 2014
WHEN: Sat 15 and Sun 16 March
WHERE: ExCel London
Website HERE
I booked my ticket the moment I saw it. Even though I was disappointed by MCM, that was my issue and not because MCM was a bad event. I'm hoping that this convention will do it for me... whatever it is I'm actually looking for!

The London Cruise Show
WHEN: Sat 22 and Sun 23 March 2014
WHERE: Olympia
Website HERE
I can't go to this one as I work every weekend, and the last one I have for this tax year is on the Saturday of London Super Comic Con. However I'm badgering my sisters into taking my Mum because I think they'd really enjoy it. Also my mum's not the sort of person who'd whine and moan and not being about to afford it, she'll Oooh and Aaah about the lovely things she's seeing and set it as a goal for the (hopefully near) future, put it on a vision board or something, make it a positive thing. (That's why I love my Mum, to itty bitty pieces! She's my best friend. (Well. One of them. Heh.))


 ('hem' Kensington Olympia, Olympia, and Olympia London are, as I understand, all the same place. (e_e) )




Star xx

This is one of my Rush Posts - when they are all posted, you will find my NOTICE OF SUSPENSION.

3-day Update: Mood and Food

I've been meaning to update but it kept being delayed for various reasons.

Images from kevssnackreviews.blogspot.com and chocologia.blog.hu .

Friday

On Friday, I wasn't doing too great. I feel like I let a friend down and my constant fatigue pulled down my mood so I kind of stayed in bed for most of the day. My Mum came into my room with some craziness like "Star, no matter how you feel, sometimes you've just got to push past that and not let that bother you."

Mental Fury: What do you think I've been doing? Do you think I give in to every slight upsetting thing that enters my head? NO! I am trying! I'm sorry if it got far enough for me to stop functioning but you didn't actually try to think about how I might have been feeling today.

Anyway, I didn't want to go into it.

Despite how that comment made me feel I'm glad I have someone in my life to tell me to knuckle down, sometimes I think it does shake off the misery a bit. Often is doesn't, but sometimes it does. She even made me some food. Ah, I did say I'd post Nix of The Forbearer a picture - sorry it's four days late, Nix!

It's really simple but it was tasty and improve my mood: chicken goujon-things, some sort of chicken lentil curry-thing (as it's Tuesday now, as I'm writing this, I completely forgot what she said), curly fries and frozen vegetables. OOO, and the Teasers for after!

So that cheered me up, and tasted very good. After that I had a bit more strength to pull myself together and get some work done. I'm really grateful to Mama.

MALTESERS TEASERS

I think this is my first blog post involving food as a topic and picture of said topic... oh, except for christmas... okay, maybe I'm wrong, I just can't be bothered to go through my archives.

I remember that easter when the Malteser bunny first appeared. They were sooo popular, and just delicious. Mama bought so many of those, way more than she should, prolly. And then the Teasers cropped up and you could buy those all year round, which was great. They taste kinda like the bunnies but inside the chocolate bunny (I forgot this until recently,) is a huge blob of honeycomb and inside the Teasers are little bubbles of honeycomb.

So, for some reason, since January I've been really craving these teasers bars and find myself buying one now and again. Then the bunnies were back on the shelves, three months early for easter *rolling my eyes* and i thought I get the 4-pack of mini-bunnies, only they're horrible. They chocolate on the outside is so thick compared to the honeycomb on the side and I didn't enjoy it at all.

Then I ended up tasting a bit of an actual bunny (it's was my Mum's and I was starving at the time) and that was delicious! I'd forgot how nice the normal ones tasted.


Oops, so anywhoo, the FREE BAR THING.

They're doing this 1-in-6 chance to win a free bar thing. As I'm more of a savoury person, I love my McCoys crisps and I don't mind some malted mind biscuits, I generally forget to check packets to see if I won anything. It's a habit NOT to check it with me. But this free bar thing, lately I've been winning quite a few! 1 in 6 - my chances of getting a winning one was pretty high anyway.

What was weird about it was - whenever I got a 'Congratulations! Free bar!' wrapper, it was out of a bar that I bought. Whenever I redeemed the free bar coupon in the wrapper, I got a 'Sorry, next time' wrapper. Both times I picked the bar of the shelf. Weird huh...

To date, I've won about 4 free bar wrappers, not including the one I bought for my Mum that she won. I keep forgetting to redeem the last 2 though. Meh, tomorrow.

That's it for the mo. I posted an extract of my book on another blog so I had to bounce, but I'm back now to post this.

Sunday

Oreo ice cream cone..

I've been craving these since I bought it yesterday. The Oreo biscuit on top is soft soft but the cone is so crunchy, and it has than unmistakably Oreo flavour. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I'll be near a Sainsbury's tomorrow! Think Im'ma pick some up!


KIDS

My nieces were over today. I didn't expect them to warm to me very much, I think I already explained about me being awkward with kids, but actually they really wanted to play with me. I was like Wha -?!

The older niece is really loud and boisterous and the younger niece is alot shyier and quieter, so I think they warmed to me because the older one is naturally curious and inquisitive, so she came over to ask me questions about what I was doing (washing up) and my birthmark and looots of others things, and because her younger sister copying ehr in pretty much everything, she came over too. The younger one was too shy to give me a hug last time but she did now :3 I think she's about three.

We played loooads of games. W played, uh.... Mums And Dads *shrug* Apparently I wasn't allowed to be the mum (lol) so I was the 'sister'; we played Copying (copying dance moves), we played Magic Stones, and we played Picnic. Probably the most fun I've had with kids in ages, (hahaha.) When they left, i was DEAD TIRED. I can't imagine what it would be like for there mum to have them all the time! No wonder some parents are always tired!

Image from www.tinseltown.co.uk

Tuesday

I went to see my course leader at university then I went to class and luckily some of my friends decided to come in. I was really happy to see them, it's been a long while. Over six weeks, I think. Then I spent the afternoon with my university friend, (let's call her Miss Lovely.) She really cheered me up today. She said she didn't feel like herself though which made me a bit sad.

Then he eyes went all full of wonder and she talks about Tinseltown, and I was like "Oooo let's go! When shall we go?" and she was like "Today!" and laughed and I was said "Okay!" It happened so quickly that we both paused for a minute for our minds to catch up with the transition from joke into seriousness, so just to clarify I said, "Sure, we can go after class today." And she was like okaaaay and looked really happy. :D

Tinseltown was greeeat. It's a brand new one thats just opened in ym town so it's really nice and cleeean (Lovely said the one in Queensway was 'grotty') and the music that was playing was okay, but it was commercial pop music like what plays on the radio and I was like 'eh'... but at least they didn't play any songs I hated. And although it was loud, as least it wasn't deafening (Lovely said queensway was deafening). We had to serve ourselves, like Nandos and GBK (though she said the one in Queensway, they serve you. That was interesting. I wonder why they made the change?)

I shoulda taken a picture of the food. It look really nice on the white cutlery and was well presented.

As I don't eat pork, I've never had a hot dog, but as the TinselTown hots dog are 100% 'prime' beef, I decided to go for it. At least I got to try something new and it wasn't that far a jump from the beef burger which was what I wanted. Since I bought sainsbury's frozen quarter pounders, I've been craving beef burgers, but that beef hot dog was a perfect substitute =] Even now, just over two hours later, I still feel content, not a bit hungry. The portion was pretty big for seven quid!

And because of my newfound oreo addiction (Mum's fault. She started it (e_e) ) I was SO tempted to try a Oreo shake or even more, the Oreo ice-cream-cake thing. But I'm glad I didn't because I was FULL after my one meal. Pheeee-yew.

The only thing was that was concerning me (apart from the music, towards the end,) was firstly that where me and Lovely sat, but side was the comfy, bright green booth thing but her side was like a chair. I asked if her chair was comfortable and she said 'it's alright'. another thing is the light was really low over the table. I mean yeah I appreciate being able to see what I'm eating but as it wasn't even dark yet, I just thought about how annoying it was that that light was so low after Lovely hit her head twice standing up.

But that's it. It was a good first-time experience, like when I went to Frankie and Benny's for the first time in December and TGI Friday's got the... oh, actually I think it was the second time - in November. It was really nice, and great food, all three times.



What now?

As I went to see my course leader today, I am aware of my options in terms of my course. I am behind, as in, missed a term's worth of work behind, and that does scare me, but I also believe I can catch up, especially as I'm meant to be getting a mentor. Today I'm going to get my blog posts ready for the rest of the week, schedule them, forget about them.

Then I can focus on my investment course coming up this weekend, writing my book, and planning my university work timetable.

If I get a bit of extra time, I may even be able to work on my online stories DVTJ and BGF, because at the moment it's pitifully slow, especially as I've been devotedly focussing on my Fantasy Blog for my other ego. It's taking a lot out of me. I'm lucky to post one chapter a month.

I need to prioritise.

The most important thing right now is me and my health. One I can get that MOSTLY okay, I can figure out where I derailed and get back on track. then I'll be moving again.



Star.

Still Coping, Somehow.

All this pissing rain. Honestly, it's such a downer. Non-stop! All this rain should have been snow, if it was a bit colder - well done, global warming. Well done, human beings. What. A. Shame, 2014. I am disappointed.

I am tired, blue, hungry and with a headache. All of those things are my fault.

I've had a dream every night for the past five days and they have all been bizarre.

I am too tired to write a Psyren 14 review. Yes. I did cave in and read it.

The blog for my other ego, I suppose the Author Ego, is coming along both great and horribly. When I think about it, I want to close my eyes and sleep and eat ice cream and drink tea and sleep again and  bang my head against a wall and laugh and cry.

Money. money. I wish my life didn't revolve around money, but it does. I am sad.

*

The following image is excerpted from the post Gone Girl on So You Want To Be A Writer?.

Yeah. That's what I feel.

*

Yesterday, there was a spring in my step, I sang all over the house, I was full of energy and optimism. But that's what depression does. It sits quiet when everything is going fine, then it leaps out and attacks you... when everything's still going fine. Nothing AT ALL has changed. You feel lost and alone and miserable constantly, and it's hard to even explain why.

Trying to reach for a better feeling.

Trying to reach for a better feeling.



One thing that makes me happy right now - this song. Reminds me of Raphael Saadiq.

Also, whoever developed that 24hoursofhappy.com site is a GENIUS.



Star xx

Can Legally Write Fanfiction... And Get Paid O_O

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Start writing today! Check out the submissions portal so your stories can appear in the Amazon.com Kindle Worlds store. Stay up to date--follow the Kindle Worlds blog and Twitter @kindleworlds

______________________________

I know this is old news, but it still has me like D=

On the one hand, it's great that readers can involve themselves in the world they love and get paid for it. Heck, if I got paid for my HSM fanfics... =D

But on the other hand, I feel unsure about somebody crafting a world and then letting civilians mess about with it. Of course people do that anyway on fanfiction.net, but changing the licensing to make it OFFICIAL that the author is ALLOWING it... =/

I suppose, ultimately, as long as the author's okay with it, and as long as it's not me, then whatever. It doesn't involve me, so blah.

Thoughts?

Star xx

21

Instead of thinking;
Another year of wisdom I've learned for laters years,

I think;
Another year wasted, another year closer to the day I die. I'm afraid. I'm running out of time.



Star .

Today, My Dad Said,

"I wanted to have success so that my family would be with me. Now I have found it, my family aren't with me."

That's a big reason for finding success for me too. So my family could be together and not have to worry. I'd never for a moment thought that it might not go that way, that it might be what they want, or even that life might take a different turn if I do get successful. So then, am I doing it for me alone? Who am I doing it for? What am I striving for?

Why does his bug me all the time? I'm so confused. Life is confusing.



Star .

WHAT THE FLUCK have Disney done to Cinderella?

Plastic surgery, it seems, she's now about ten years younger and ten times uglier. Y'know Disney, mature beauty is a nice thing to aspire to sometimes. Just saying.

ORIGINAL CINDERELLA

NEW CINDERELLA

ORIGINAL CINDY CLOSE-UP

A CLOSER LOOK AT THIS MESS (and a new hairdo - ?!)

Okay, I'm going over the top. The new Cindy isn't that bad, really. I just don't like seeing things change that had no problems in the first place. Like, why. That's the question here. WHY.

ORIGINAL CINDERELLA BUT WITH SOME GHETTO BLING

Necessary? Not really.

'BLONDE' IN THE 1950's

I'll stick with this.

REMOVE THE IMPOSTER

Star xx
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What does your life mean?

[Though when I say 'your', I really mean 'my'.]

Loads of inspiration at the beach today. Am about to sit down and bang it all out, but I have a lot of worries that I need to breathe out into this blog first.

My parents aren't going to be around one day.

I get that now. I understand that I will still be living my life, making decision and friends, doing my job, doing my best to be happy and make others happy, and they won't be there to talk to if I am sad, I won't be able to hear my Dad joking with me, I can't hear my mother's soothing voice, I can't share my joy with them when something good happens, I can't say, 'look at what I did!' or 'look at this book I (highly tempted to say 'writ'... it almost rhymes) wrote!', I can't give them more reasons to be proud of me and not feel like I was a miserable, wayward daughter, because they won't be there. This won't mean a damn to you.

I know I always said I'm never going to have children, and I'm highly skeptical of relationships, but I can see why people go through it. The fear of loneliness is paralysing. If you've lost your family, why not start your own?

I have endless brothers and sisters though, some that I don't even know about. It's so, so bizarre to think that they hold a fragment of my (my father's) genes and may pass them on. But it's my parents who make, or rather complete, the family. Dada and Mama talk easily about 'when they die' - they've lived their life, they've long accepted that it will one day be time for them to go. I'm 20 and I can't fucking accept that. I am such a fucking emotional wreck already that it might realistically destroy me. I don't want to watch them deteriorate.

Sorry for the swear. I feel like crying. (Okay I'm lying. Just wiped away my tears.)

On the drive back from the beach, Dada spoke about his parents heritage, about how my great grandfather came from the Ashanti tribe, in Ghana I think (will need to double check that) and was supposedly the caribbean equivalent of royalty. That stuns me. My Dad exaggerates sometimes (then again who else could I ask?) but he doesn't lie. I already knew that my ancestors were, by the standards of the time, wealthy. Royalty? Interesting.

Now look at me. Waiting for my student loan to come through so that I can have a smile on my face. Because, as you know, money is magic.

My grandparents and greats will never know that their son's son had me, that I am sitting here typing about them on a machine they could never have even imagined. This sort of thing tears me the fuck up. (Sorryfortheswear.) My brain, my stupid brain, can't stop turning it over. Also, this depressingly beautiful/beautifully depressing Heavenly Sword soundtrack is probably not helping... (endingcredits)

Awwwww laptop power run out... hang on while I get the cord...
Slightly lost my train of thought now...

Sometimes the world feels huge. Sometimes it feels so small. I feel like I have power to do anything when I'm elated. At other times, I am nothing, nobody, swept away in fifty years to be forgotten and replaced by another billion humans.

I can't help it. I know one day I will mean nothing, but I do want to feel that I made a difference while I was here, maybe changed the world for the better? On the drive back, I kept wondering to myself, imagine if I died on this motorway and all of this work, everything on my laptop and email that I have crafted and jigsawed together over the years of my life, poof, gone, just like that.

Like my old friend, Hannah Defoe.

I didn't know she had died until I sat down for my break at work last Saturday and opened the Metro to see her picture and details of the court case surrounding her death. I was stunned, I couldn't concentrate on work all day. There's more. She hadn't died recently. She passed away a long while ago. I've been disconnected from facebook and rarely speak to my old Dance Umbrella friends, so of course I wouldn't have known. But it makes me feel beyond strange, beyond unsettled. Hannah Defoe passed away, I didn't know or feel a thing while her parents must have felt their whole world turn upside down. It's not enough to say my heart goes out to them. My heart won't be worth a thing to them. They want their daughter.

I wanted to blog about it, but didn't know how. Hannah is one of the few people at Dance Umbrella that I can think of and remember exactly what she was like. She was really funny, she had a wicked dance style, I'd say she spoke lowly most of the time and didn't raise her voice much, she had nice wavy hair (in the Metro photo it was straightened), and she was very cool, if you get me. As in, very suave. Is suave right? (Probably not) She was great fun to be with and I don't remember having any issues with her, but we weren't close enough friends to have that squabbling going on.

She'll have friends that can give a description ten times better and more accurate than that, because that was how I knew her when I went to Dance Umbrella and that had to be four years ago.

I am completely different to how I was four years ago and depression had definitely touched me in a bad way. I'm pulling out of it, but I'm not as optimistic as I used to be. So although I felt shaken and upset at discovering she was gone by an impersonal means, I was also upset that I hadn't kept up with who she'd become and that we'd fallen out of touch. Linking back to four-ish paragraphs ago, that was why I started thinking hard about if I was just snatched away. Hannah was 20 when she passed, the age I am now.

I really pray that her parents can get to the bottom of the issue and find peace. Maybe not happiness but peace, at least.

Yeah, lots of dark thoughts circling my head today, the ravens. It's like, you get one, and others come.Oh, on a completely different note, I've discovered I don't hate seagulls so much after all! They have a pretty amazing way of flying against the strong breeze from the sea. Loved watching them, actually. Though... not when they came too close.

Today is the first day in the last two weeks that I haven't felt like my existence on earth was using up valuable air and why am I still alive again? What the hell is it all for? Whose grand scheme dictates that I should be here, wishing to not be here? Feeling like I'm out of sync with a world so eager to eb cut above the rest that it can't take a breath and see that there is a destructive element that is touching lives, nature, their own children...?

So in comparison, today was definitely a good day. Well, until now, I guess...

I think I could say more, but I need to end this because I have to write the material I thought up today for my book before bed. I think I will leave the Vlog today, maybe tomorrow though. But I won't do it if I wake up happy, because... why kill the mood?



Star .

p.s. Sorry for the typos. Fix 'em later.
p.p.s I always say that. Oh well.
p.p.afteritookashower.s. Took tired to write my book now. Tomorra. Gonna hit the hay.

Broken

Super Spoiler: Briefly talking about the end of the Hunger Games. BuzzTF off if you haven't read it yet.


When I finished reading the last book of the Hunger Games series, all I could think about was how broken she was. Broken. So many people she loved, gone, or no longer trustworthy. Their whole society - broken. Katniss - broken. The nightmares, awful memories, and deaths of loved ones would haunt her until her dying day. Whoever is in charge of Panem will try to make her a pawn until the very end. She's broken. She's completely broken. And she will never ever be the same again.

Not to compare my life to a (fictional) war on such a massive scale, but a destruction is happening inside of me, quietly, internally. Last year, something happened to some unreachable part of me that has tainted it, and I don't know what it is, but it has broken me. I will never be the same.

A friend said something to me in distress - she said that she hopes to God that she doesn't have depression because it never goes away. I remember feeling so angry with her because I'd never felt better in my life than I did right then, and I wanted to be the one in charge of my life and my emotions. I was convinced that I would come out on the winning side. But it is a sham, a hope, a hallucination, a sick mockery of what my life really is. It is nothing.

I never thought I would ever fully understand what it was like to be depressed. It's something I never talk about. Anyone who's been there, truly been there, will know that wrenching feeling, about not even knowing where to start when someone offers to be a confidant. Those who can open up about it - I admire them. But not me. No more. I'm done. I don't think I will have the heart to post on this blog any more, though I will try to hang on to any event that makes me happy, for as long as humanly possible. What concerns me most right now is how it will end. How will I do it? How will I commit suicide? I don't have the guts to do it. But when I think about my future, I don't see anything. There is nothing but the realisation of who I am, what life is. Nothing. Like I said. Hopefully, I can get back into the swing of pretending I am happy and that it means something, that I am not a small pawn in a scale of something far grander and far beyond my control. But this moment of reflection has helped me understand this basic fact about existence. It's horrible. I am happy for those who don't yet know it. Maybe it is the cause of chronic depression - because those who suffer it really know what's going on. Maybe. Probably.

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Mindf***

I'm still not ready to talk about The Terrible Horror, The Horrible Terror, whichever. Not ready. Maybe if I put it off long enough, I'll forget it. Anyway. Here's another filler post.

I'm currently writing my uni essay, it's on Postmodernism. I just began reading sociologist Jean Baudrillard's postmodernist essay, and here is the opening quote:

'The simulacrum is never that which conceals the truth - it is the
truth which conceals that there is none.
The simulacrum is true.
                                                - Ecclesiates.'

Jean Baudrillard, 'The Precession of Simulacra' in The Norton Anthology of Theory and Criticism, ed. Vincent B. Leitch et al., (New York: W.W.Norton & Company, 2010)

I may as well just give up now.


Star.
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Blogs Of Note

Dina Goldstein - In The Dollhouse

I love the imagination behind this. There's something both intriguing and saddening about thinking about Barbie (certainly one of my well loved childhood toys) in a real world context and put in domestic situations. Weird, but very very unique.



http://arnade.tumblr.com

This one is so... incredibly moving. I don't actually have any words to describe the spectrum of emotions I felt reading this. It deals with serious life issues like poverty, addiction, the works.



http://albinwonderland.tumblr.com

It's pink. Need I say more?

... okay, apparently says. The posts on this site always make me laugh, whether blogged or reblogged, plus it's very aesthetically pleasing. ^_^




Star xx
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Laptops

At the beginning of September, my mother got really cross with me about something and called me a 'Little Shit'. I had a really hard time getting over it. She doesn't normally talk like that and she's never called me anything like that before. I think my 'clinical depression' had stretched her thin and I was certain she hated me. I hoped she was mad enough to gather up the courage to kill me, because I'm too scared of pain to do it myself.

AT the time, I decided to wholeheartedly bury myself into the task of looking for laptop to get my mind of things, everything, if possible. My research has led me to conclude that:

• I REFUSE to buy anything Samsung (our netbook is Samsung and although the loyal thing has served me well, I loathe it. The speed of the processor is as slow as death)
• I will ONLY buy HP or Toshiba (wishing on a star for a pink Toshiba to fall into my lap)
• My sister (we shall call her Azure) advised on an Intel Pentium processor (had NO idea what that was until recently and that alone makes me feel all smart and technical) which has narrowed my search down to mainly HP laptops
• Between £200 and £500-ish pounds, the model that looked best was a HP G6, hey hey hey.

Over the last few days, I have learnt more about laptops than ever in my life. So here is the next issue - any laptop I get MUST be able to play The Sims 2 and ALL expansions, or I'm not interested.

• graphics card for most HP G6 laptops with Intel Pentium processor are Intel HD graphics card
• was told on the HP helpline that this should play Sims, but internet research had told me otherwise
• apparently Intel are not know for their graphics because most of their products use an Integrated Graphics card

So. Integrated Graphics is when the graphics card is not seperate by itself, but instead built directly into the motherboard. And what the fuck does that mean? Well, it means that it has a small amount of RAM available and so takes some of the main system's RAM, which means the main system has less. Which is a bad thing, because it means the system's performance (possiby the video or graphics card as well) will be lower, and that's bad if you have a burning desire to play The Sims 2.

Additionally, The Sims 2 was intended to be played on a PC, not a laptop.

My next question was, WHAT IS RAM? The best answer I got was; RAM is like a blackboard. When your system wants to open a program or application, it opens it up on the blackboard of your computer and wipes it clean after. So if your RAM is really big, it's like a really big blackboard that you can open loads of files on, and you can do more things at once. Which is great.

So I had a browse on Very dot co dot uk, and found a laptop...

• HP (G6 model)
• Intel Pentium
• Between £200 and £500 (it cost about £300-and-something, it was on sale.)
• Purple
• 4GB RAM
• 750 memory

It all looked very promising, but something small was niggling at me... this laptop did not have a number pad. It's not really a very huge deal, but after using the Samsung netbook without a number pad, I can tell you that I DO NOT LIKE IT. Also because I use asterisks as my signature sometimes (being Star, durh) and it gets tiresome to keep pressing 'shift' before '8'.

But the other alternative didn't look much better; it had a number pad, but was a darker shade of purple, and the mouse pad was slightly on the left-hand side. That irked me just as much.

Then, I had a revelation. WHy was I limiting myself to Intel Pentium? I knew why I wanted HP (it's a good make), a certain price (I have a budget), and a certain colour (I am peculiar), but I had only narrowed down the search to that specific result because the advice to get Intel Pentium had been given to me by...

AZURE! That little rat. I phoned her up and she explained that Intel Pentium had loyally served our family for generations (two). But whilst doing my research, Intel Core was voted to be the most favourited processor. Then I went on the Intel site and they gave me a very handy guide. I think it went something like this

• Intel Core i7 *****
• Intel Core i5 ****
• Intel Core i3 ***
• Intel Pentium **
• Intel Celeron *

As for the processor in my netbook, Intel Atom, it didn't even make the list. I wonder why! What a joke.

I decided that i3 was the one I wanted - why not? I didn't need anything hardcore, I wasn't video editing or using Photoshop, I just wanted to check my emails, type my stories and play The Sims 2. Despite reading online that it might not be the one to choose if I was going to play games, The Sims 2 isn't THAT demanding, and Intel graphics are are said to have vastly improved in the last few years. An i3 laptop (I've decided to go for a nice red) costs a whopping £499 pounds, only £1 within my budget (damn).

• HP (G6 model)
• Red
• £499
• 1TB memory
• 6GB RAM
• 15.6 inch

Upgrading to i5 is £50 more, which is tempting, but seeing as I have already spent £70 on books for university, and I haven't even bought all the books yet, I have decided it is a luxury I can REALLY do without. And I also think I'll wait until my laptop is on sale.

That's my findings so far. I feel quite proud that I found that all out by myself, when previously I had no idea what I wanted and began my search by putting 'good laptop' into Google (bad idea).

This is just one thing I found to distract myself, I will need to find a few more... saying that, I reread a favourite manga of mine, Immortal Rain, but I think that topic is for another post. Wait until I tell you how much I just spent on a set of manga books... =s



Star.

P.S. OH MY GOD, I JUST CHECKED - MY LAPTOP IS ON SALE! Must - Buy - NOW

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