Urge Unresisted

So... I did update the blog a little bit.

Honestly, I don't know what 17 year old me was THINKING but this blog looks bloody awful.

...or maybe times have just changed, and even though this might have looked great in 2011, it no longer looks fresh in 2020.

ANYWAY, I did a little housecleaning, gave the blog a lick of fresh paint. But I didn't change to much. Like I said in my previous post, I want it to remain largely the same as it was 4 years ago, so I can feel that hit of nostalgia and embarrassment at the super-cringe aspect of my sweet old blog.

Good to be back.

Star .

Full Circle

After almost six years, I return.

I never thought I would be writing on this blog again. Logging in to see The Alter Ego Writer gave me such a visceral reaction - warmth in my chest, tears pricking at my eyes, my stomach kind of turning over. It was a whole different person that started this blog.

I came back because I wondered if taking up writing anonymously again could heal me. I have been fighting the increasing urge to commit suicide for years as my depression steadily worsened, but these past couple of months have been the hardest of my life. This week I have existed as a shell of myself.

I'm glad I did come back to re-experience this blog again because it made me feel something, after weeks of feeling completely numb. That said, I avoided coming back to this blog for years and years. I was scared to come back and - truthfully? I was ashamed of this blog. I knew how much I had changed and didn't want to come face to face with the old me - ignorant, naive, likely biased and prejudiced from my biased and prejudiced surroundings. The experiences I've had these past six years have shown me the limitations of my own thinking, gently nudged me to be more considerate, more thoughtful, more inquisitive day by day. One the one hand, reading my past thoughts makes me cringe so much it's unbearable. On the other, even having that reaction indicates that I have grown.

So, despite my itching fingers I have decided to leave everything on this blog the same, even though it is horribly outdated, and just continue posting.

Perhaps even seeing the clunky layout and colours I chose for this blog at 17 years old will be a cocoon of nostalgia for me. Maybe this blast from the past will help me remember, or discover, what I truly used to love, before the pressure cooker experience of being moulded by the people around me started to do real psychological damage.

I am exhausted, but despite not wanting to live any more, I do not want to die. I want to put to rest the version of myself I used to be and start over. Cut away the old, dead weight and rebuild myself again, and better.

 

Star .

This Blog Is Back In Business!

AHHHHH!! It's sooo nice to actually get up at 8am, while the day is young, fresh and bright.

I am finally back.

It's been a while, huh? At first it was really hard not to post, and I was really itching to. But after a while it was easy to forget about the blog, especially when I had stuff on my mind, which I anticipated I would!

Now the suspension on this blog is finally lifted, I'm going to renew my efforts to post on this blog at least once a week. Stay tuned for a post about all the posts I wanted to make!

What Happened While I Was Away?

- Well... I was away, as in abroad, on holiday :3
- Had two more ideas for novels that got stuck in my head... trying to keep the ideas alive, but not get distracted by my first novel!
- Been working REALLY, really hard on my author blog. So pleased with both my effort and my progress.
`-- > (I can't believe I set out on that journey in February!! Just can't BELIEVE how that time just soared by!)
- Went to about half a dozen fantasy events and conventions!
- Really wanted to post on this blog... held back the urge in pursuit of greater things! Although I did post about The Fault In Our Stars for Zoe. :)
- Went to Birmingham... quite a lot of times
- Became even more addicted to my music
- Read over 10 books this summer! And I stayed true to the fantasy-only goal. YES
- Had my self-esteem entirely shattered.
- Enjoying the nice stuff I bought on holiday, including a new rucksack, a watch, a bowl, a clock, the list goes on! but I'll talk about THAT on Pink Sov.
- Lots of physical and mental health issues =( I'm trying not to call them 'problems'
- Weird weather in London. =/
- Time flew!


One thing I realised was how much I talk about my struggles on this blog without also addressing coping methods. That's usually because I don't actually HAVE any coping techniques, but I'm going to do some research and try and write about it.

All that's left to do now is be positive. =]



Star xx

SUSPENSION

Notice Of Suspension

This blog is now officially on suspension, from at LEAST

 February 2014 to September 2014.

Fine Print.