Now It's My Turn: Helping Your Parents Fulfil Their Dreams

My mum has been an empty-nester for just over a year. This has happened later in her life due to being the mother of four Generation X children, one Generation Y child (the millennial - that's me!) and one Generation Z child. By the time my and my younger sibling were over eighteen, the job market and the housing market were such a mess that we wouldn't have been able to support ourselves if we'd moved out. All our friends, now adults, are still living with their parents too.

But for Mama, her children were finally all "independent". She'd desperately wanted us out of her house for years and was sick and tired of dealing with us. When the time finally came and she had the four-bedroom home she'd lived in for thirty years to herself, she wasn't ready for it. She was unmotivated, uncertain, sad and lonely. There was nothing to distract her from her discontent.

My mum finds happiness where she can, but moments of emptiness will encompass her and make she gaze blankly into space. She's often said she hasn't achieved all in her life that she wants to, which is strange because she can never say with certain what she wants to achieve. When she talks about what she wants to do in life, her answer always changes but she eventually arrives at the same conclusion; 'I just don't know.' Even saying the words makes her face crumple, on the verge of tears. My heart breaks every time.

I take after my mother a lot, in case it wasn't already apparent. I wonder if observing her is like looking into my own future.

Me and Mama have certainly had our struggles but naturally, I never want to see her miserable. Often she does things that sabotage her own progress when she starts something new. So maybe I can't help her at all, and she has to find her own truth. But I wish I could give her the kind of solace that, even living apart from her children, leaves her feeling fulfilled.

Star .

Grim Smiles: When Effort Isn't Enough

If I stop looking for the key to resolving my stress and loneliness, then I feel like it's my fault I'm still experiencing an emotional crisis, and that I didn't do enough to help myself.

Star .

Disassociating From Mental Illness

This is a post I drafted on 16/09/2018 but never published. Blast from the past, huh?

Here's my issue.

After all of the years that my mental illnesses have been mistaken for complacency, laziness, insensitivity, or good old millennial distractedness, when I found out that the symptoms I had pointed to depression, or anxiety, I admit it was a relief because I'd started to believe that I was crazy or any of the other things my mum, older sister, or teachers said I was.

I had no room to be angry at their failure to be open-minded about what could turn a quiet, hardworking child into a neurotic, compulsive teenager, because I just wanted to find out how to make it go away. (I would find the space to be enraged five or so years later.) But what ensued was a years-long battle trying to keep myself together enough to finish my studies, dust off my novels in progress and get back to writing and being the consistent blogger I once was.

As mental-illness became a more widely discussed topic, I began to use it as a word to vaguely describe my problems without having to go into detail, and because I was tired of saying the same things over and over: I'm tired, I'm empty, I don't see the point. I'm suffocated, I feel numb, I'm worthless. This is pointless, and so on. That all sounded far worse than just saying "I'm struggling with mental illness" or "I'm feeling depressed" and just leaving it there, letting the person interpret whatever they want.

This week, I had to take a day off work to see a GP to reassess my mental health needs. I had to wait a month for that appointment, and when I got there, the doctor didn't show. Turned out the secretary had put the wrong address on the letter and without apologising, said that the next available appointment would now be mid-October. I immediately and gratefully accepted but the moment I put the phone down I was furious. It hasn't been the first time that I've been messed around by NHS mental health services and as a consequence felt like no-one cares. Admittedly, a staggering number of people desperately need access to their services which is why I was grateful to get an appointment at all, but as a result nobody is truly given the kind of care they deserve. Ironically, private care would solve that issue but if I could afford that I wouldn't be on a four-month waiting list to see an NHS counsellor for little or nothing.

I've been listening to motivational videos all month, mainly Marie Forleo, Brian Tracy, Tony Robbins and Jim Rohn. I put into practice writing down my goals and how I want my life to be, and the type of person I want to be. As I was doing this, it hit me that if I don't want to be quote-unquote 'Depressed' - a Depressed person - then I have to stop identifying with being depressed. Such a simple concept, yet I didn't realise how much I came to rely on that label, using it find out where to get help and where it was safe to talk. Although it's important to me to have that safety net, I can't achieve anything amazing in my comfort zone. Also, since I have been cleaning up my diet and eating more fresh fruits and vegetables, drinking more water, taking time out of my day to doing something calming and relaxing, my mood has improved a lot. Though that might not always be the case, I have to seize this energy while I can.

I don't want to be depressed, or anxious - but joyful, appreciative and peaceful, so this is now my daily affirmation. I'm going to say it every day until I believe it. I don't want to suffer any more. I don't want to focus on the awful things that are always happening in the world and in my social circle. I can't change those things, only myself. I feel desperate to change, but I will turn this into determination to change.

When I think about myself, when I describe myself, I don't ever want mental illness to be a part of that. Easier said than done - but seeing as I said it, I might as well do it.

I wish I could go back and give my younger self a warm hug, and all the love and compassion I really needed and never received from anyone around me at the time. But you can't send love back in time.

Star .

Full Circle

After almost six years, I return.

I never thought I would be writing on this blog again. Logging in to see The Alter Ego Writer gave me such a visceral reaction - warmth in my chest, tears pricking at my eyes, my stomach kind of turning over. It was a whole different person that started this blog.

I came back because I wondered if taking up writing anonymously again could heal me. I have been fighting the increasing urge to commit suicide for years as my depression steadily worsened, but these past couple of months have been the hardest of my life. This week I have existed as a shell of myself.

I'm glad I did come back to re-experience this blog again because it made me feel something, after weeks of feeling completely numb. That said, I avoided coming back to this blog for years and years. I was scared to come back and - truthfully? I was ashamed of this blog. I knew how much I had changed and didn't want to come face to face with the old me - ignorant, naive, likely biased and prejudiced from my biased and prejudiced surroundings. The experiences I've had these past six years have shown me the limitations of my own thinking, gently nudged me to be more considerate, more thoughtful, more inquisitive day by day. One the one hand, reading my past thoughts makes me cringe so much it's unbearable. On the other, even having that reaction indicates that I have grown.

So, despite my itching fingers I have decided to leave everything on this blog the same, even though it is horribly outdated, and just continue posting.

Perhaps even seeing the clunky layout and colours I chose for this blog at 17 years old will be a cocoon of nostalgia for me. Maybe this blast from the past will help me remember, or discover, what I truly used to love, before the pressure cooker experience of being moulded by the people around me started to do real psychological damage.

I am exhausted, but despite not wanting to live any more, I do not want to die. I want to put to rest the version of myself I used to be and start over. Cut away the old, dead weight and rebuild myself again, and better.

 

Star .

SUSPENSION

Notice Of Suspension

This blog is now officially on suspension, from at LEAST

 February 2014 to September 2014.

Fine Print.

3-day Update: Mood and Food

I've been meaning to update but it kept being delayed for various reasons.

Images from kevssnackreviews.blogspot.com and chocologia.blog.hu .

Friday

On Friday, I wasn't doing too great. I feel like I let a friend down and my constant fatigue pulled down my mood so I kind of stayed in bed for most of the day. My Mum came into my room with some craziness like "Star, no matter how you feel, sometimes you've just got to push past that and not let that bother you."

Mental Fury: What do you think I've been doing? Do you think I give in to every slight upsetting thing that enters my head? NO! I am trying! I'm sorry if it got far enough for me to stop functioning but you didn't actually try to think about how I might have been feeling today.

Anyway, I didn't want to go into it.

Despite how that comment made me feel I'm glad I have someone in my life to tell me to knuckle down, sometimes I think it does shake off the misery a bit. Often is doesn't, but sometimes it does. She even made me some food. Ah, I did say I'd post Nix of The Forbearer a picture - sorry it's four days late, Nix!

It's really simple but it was tasty and improve my mood: chicken goujon-things, some sort of chicken lentil curry-thing (as it's Tuesday now, as I'm writing this, I completely forgot what she said), curly fries and frozen vegetables. OOO, and the Teasers for after!

So that cheered me up, and tasted very good. After that I had a bit more strength to pull myself together and get some work done. I'm really grateful to Mama.

MALTESERS TEASERS

I think this is my first blog post involving food as a topic and picture of said topic... oh, except for christmas... okay, maybe I'm wrong, I just can't be bothered to go through my archives.

I remember that easter when the Malteser bunny first appeared. They were sooo popular, and just delicious. Mama bought so many of those, way more than she should, prolly. And then the Teasers cropped up and you could buy those all year round, which was great. They taste kinda like the bunnies but inside the chocolate bunny (I forgot this until recently,) is a huge blob of honeycomb and inside the Teasers are little bubbles of honeycomb.

So, for some reason, since January I've been really craving these teasers bars and find myself buying one now and again. Then the bunnies were back on the shelves, three months early for easter *rolling my eyes* and i thought I get the 4-pack of mini-bunnies, only they're horrible. They chocolate on the outside is so thick compared to the honeycomb on the side and I didn't enjoy it at all.

Then I ended up tasting a bit of an actual bunny (it's was my Mum's and I was starving at the time) and that was delicious! I'd forgot how nice the normal ones tasted.


Oops, so anywhoo, the FREE BAR THING.

They're doing this 1-in-6 chance to win a free bar thing. As I'm more of a savoury person, I love my McCoys crisps and I don't mind some malted mind biscuits, I generally forget to check packets to see if I won anything. It's a habit NOT to check it with me. But this free bar thing, lately I've been winning quite a few! 1 in 6 - my chances of getting a winning one was pretty high anyway.

What was weird about it was - whenever I got a 'Congratulations! Free bar!' wrapper, it was out of a bar that I bought. Whenever I redeemed the free bar coupon in the wrapper, I got a 'Sorry, next time' wrapper. Both times I picked the bar of the shelf. Weird huh...

To date, I've won about 4 free bar wrappers, not including the one I bought for my Mum that she won. I keep forgetting to redeem the last 2 though. Meh, tomorrow.

That's it for the mo. I posted an extract of my book on another blog so I had to bounce, but I'm back now to post this.

Sunday

Oreo ice cream cone..

I've been craving these since I bought it yesterday. The Oreo biscuit on top is soft soft but the cone is so crunchy, and it has than unmistakably Oreo flavour. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I'll be near a Sainsbury's tomorrow! Think Im'ma pick some up!


KIDS

My nieces were over today. I didn't expect them to warm to me very much, I think I already explained about me being awkward with kids, but actually they really wanted to play with me. I was like Wha -?!

The older niece is really loud and boisterous and the younger niece is alot shyier and quieter, so I think they warmed to me because the older one is naturally curious and inquisitive, so she came over to ask me questions about what I was doing (washing up) and my birthmark and looots of others things, and because her younger sister copying ehr in pretty much everything, she came over too. The younger one was too shy to give me a hug last time but she did now :3 I think she's about three.

We played loooads of games. W played, uh.... Mums And Dads *shrug* Apparently I wasn't allowed to be the mum (lol) so I was the 'sister'; we played Copying (copying dance moves), we played Magic Stones, and we played Picnic. Probably the most fun I've had with kids in ages, (hahaha.) When they left, i was DEAD TIRED. I can't imagine what it would be like for there mum to have them all the time! No wonder some parents are always tired!

Image from www.tinseltown.co.uk

Tuesday

I went to see my course leader at university then I went to class and luckily some of my friends decided to come in. I was really happy to see them, it's been a long while. Over six weeks, I think. Then I spent the afternoon with my university friend, (let's call her Miss Lovely.) She really cheered me up today. She said she didn't feel like herself though which made me a bit sad.

Then he eyes went all full of wonder and she talks about Tinseltown, and I was like "Oooo let's go! When shall we go?" and she was like "Today!" and laughed and I was said "Okay!" It happened so quickly that we both paused for a minute for our minds to catch up with the transition from joke into seriousness, so just to clarify I said, "Sure, we can go after class today." And she was like okaaaay and looked really happy. :D

Tinseltown was greeeat. It's a brand new one thats just opened in ym town so it's really nice and cleeean (Lovely said the one in Queensway was 'grotty') and the music that was playing was okay, but it was commercial pop music like what plays on the radio and I was like 'eh'... but at least they didn't play any songs I hated. And although it was loud, as least it wasn't deafening (Lovely said queensway was deafening). We had to serve ourselves, like Nandos and GBK (though she said the one in Queensway, they serve you. That was interesting. I wonder why they made the change?)

I shoulda taken a picture of the food. It look really nice on the white cutlery and was well presented.

As I don't eat pork, I've never had a hot dog, but as the TinselTown hots dog are 100% 'prime' beef, I decided to go for it. At least I got to try something new and it wasn't that far a jump from the beef burger which was what I wanted. Since I bought sainsbury's frozen quarter pounders, I've been craving beef burgers, but that beef hot dog was a perfect substitute =] Even now, just over two hours later, I still feel content, not a bit hungry. The portion was pretty big for seven quid!

And because of my newfound oreo addiction (Mum's fault. She started it (e_e) ) I was SO tempted to try a Oreo shake or even more, the Oreo ice-cream-cake thing. But I'm glad I didn't because I was FULL after my one meal. Pheeee-yew.

The only thing was that was concerning me (apart from the music, towards the end,) was firstly that where me and Lovely sat, but side was the comfy, bright green booth thing but her side was like a chair. I asked if her chair was comfortable and she said 'it's alright'. another thing is the light was really low over the table. I mean yeah I appreciate being able to see what I'm eating but as it wasn't even dark yet, I just thought about how annoying it was that that light was so low after Lovely hit her head twice standing up.

But that's it. It was a good first-time experience, like when I went to Frankie and Benny's for the first time in December and TGI Friday's got the... oh, actually I think it was the second time - in November. It was really nice, and great food, all three times.



What now?

As I went to see my course leader today, I am aware of my options in terms of my course. I am behind, as in, missed a term's worth of work behind, and that does scare me, but I also believe I can catch up, especially as I'm meant to be getting a mentor. Today I'm going to get my blog posts ready for the rest of the week, schedule them, forget about them.

Then I can focus on my investment course coming up this weekend, writing my book, and planning my university work timetable.

If I get a bit of extra time, I may even be able to work on my online stories DVTJ and BGF, because at the moment it's pitifully slow, especially as I've been devotedly focussing on my Fantasy Blog for my other ego. It's taking a lot out of me. I'm lucky to post one chapter a month.

I need to prioritise.

The most important thing right now is me and my health. One I can get that MOSTLY okay, I can figure out where I derailed and get back on track. then I'll be moving again.



Star.

Still Coping, Somehow.

All this pissing rain. Honestly, it's such a downer. Non-stop! All this rain should have been snow, if it was a bit colder - well done, global warming. Well done, human beings. What. A. Shame, 2014. I am disappointed.

I am tired, blue, hungry and with a headache. All of those things are my fault.

I've had a dream every night for the past five days and they have all been bizarre.

I am too tired to write a Psyren 14 review. Yes. I did cave in and read it.

The blog for my other ego, I suppose the Author Ego, is coming along both great and horribly. When I think about it, I want to close my eyes and sleep and eat ice cream and drink tea and sleep again and  bang my head against a wall and laugh and cry.

Money. money. I wish my life didn't revolve around money, but it does. I am sad.

*

The following image is excerpted from the post Gone Girl on So You Want To Be A Writer?.

Yeah. That's what I feel.

*

Yesterday, there was a spring in my step, I sang all over the house, I was full of energy and optimism. But that's what depression does. It sits quiet when everything is going fine, then it leaps out and attacks you... when everything's still going fine. Nothing AT ALL has changed. You feel lost and alone and miserable constantly, and it's hard to even explain why.

Trying to reach for a better feeling.

Trying to reach for a better feeling.



One thing that makes me happy right now - this song. Reminds me of Raphael Saadiq.

Also, whoever developed that 24hoursofhappy.com site is a GENIUS.



Star xx

Something happened today at work that really brought me down. I don't want to put the details on my blog, but it made me very very unhappy and my self-esteem feels like zero. It was offensive and really hurt my feelings. However an apology was made. Still though, I kept thinking about it, to the point where I came home feeling very depressed and suicidal. It was hard to stop the tears so I went to bed, but the moment I was asleep I had a nightmare about a friend leading me into a trap where someone tried to kill me, directly after, I had a dream where I was at work and everybody hated me. I will not write these in my dream book.

I am so so grateful that, for once, I decided to confide in my sister, because she gave me some advice and then spend the rest of this evening cheering me up and distracting me and whatnot. At first I couldn't get it out of my mind, and whatever she did my mind kept drifting. But finally, now as I write this, I was able to at least laugh with her and I feel lighter now. This has put me in even better spirits because I was terrified of being still miserable on Christmas day. My Mum would be able to tell and it would ruin it for her. Also I've completely lost my appetite, which is rare, so that might clue her in too. But I think I have the strength to at least fake it now.

I feel very upset still because I feel that it came about from being sluggish and not up to speed lately. It takes me a long to time process what's been said which leads to embarrassing incidents, doing and saying stupid things, being made a fool of by other people. It's really upsetting, because I know I'm not normally like this but I feel stupid and dumb. And worthless. I wish I knew how to get more confidence. I hate to say this, but everything is going wrong. It gets harder to see the bright side of things with each passing day. But I'll just carry on, I guess. Something has to change, eventually.

Seems Like I Threw That Anchor Into The Sea With My Heart Attached

It's taken me a long while to write again, because I didn't know how to piece the words I wanted to say together. I still don't. Wednesday was horrible. It had been a long time since I'd felt so afraid and tired and depressed and exhausted that I had a breakdown, crying incessantly, cutting myself excessively, wondering why I was alive, why I was born, blah blah. S'not like I haven't been there before. Just saying that makes me feel like scum. Sitting here now, I'm getting so sick and tired of these awful, awful days and then looking back and going, oh yeah, had another one of those Kill Me days. Hey, suicide! That seems like a good idea! Why don't I go ahead and ruin my family's life! Maaaaaaaaaaaan. I'm out of ideas, I'm so exhausted, SO EXHAUSTED, I never get enough sleep these days, or else too much. It's like, no matter how much I try to be proactive about getting out of this pit I'm stuck in, now it feels like nothing I does matters. But I don't feel Boo-Hoo about it, just pissed off that I wasn't a stronger person to take control of my destiny. I don't like being shitted on by fate. I know it's something I've done. I know I have to try harder. But I have no energy left, and that makes me very afraid. My mum is so stresses out, my sister said that every time we stress her out like that, we take years off her life. That terrified me to the point of tears. That I could be responsible for my mothers death. I want to help her so badly, but I don't know what else to do, I really and truly don't. I don't trust anti-depressants, and that's all my Doc can do for me, so why bother with the GP? I'd rather be dead than take pills. I realise that it's a terrible thing to say. But for anybody to understand why I feel that way, I'd have to start from the beginning, and when I had a break-down at work and had to explain it to my supervisors, it took a long time for them to get why I was so afraid.

Said this before but as long as I'm alive I'll never stop trying. It's just getting so hard right now. I can't change anything unless I can get better sleep, I can't get better sleep unless I stop with this binge eating, stopping binge-eating is a challenge as I do it BECAUSE I feel so down. Vicious circle. Weakest point seems to be the eating, I'll smash the thing to pieces from there.

There, blog vomit, as I promised myself.

Also did a bullshit boo-hoo ranty vlog for the first time ever. Nobody on this living earth with ever see it.

Typos are no longer my issue, I will never read this again.

21

Instead of thinking;
Another year of wisdom I've learned for laters years,

I think;
Another year wasted, another year closer to the day I die. I'm afraid. I'm running out of time.



Star .

Bit By Bit

I'm am so grateful for all of the support around me, friends, family, counsellors, those at my university, etc. SO grateful, words will never describe. So relieved to know that even if they can't understand me, they do really and truly care about me, and want to see me improve because they believe I can recover.

I'm so, so lucky, because some people don't have the amount of people support them that I do. I'm scared of letting all of them down, though I'm determined not to. I want to show them I can be strong, maybe I could even be an inspiration. It would make me beyond happy if I could help someone else get out of the place I am. Or I'll be saying then - the place I've been.

I try to live by the Abraham Hicks philosophy.

Life doesn't start when my dreams come true, or when my future partner (ha, joke) turns up in my life or when I move into that dream house or whatever it is I'm aiming for, it's right now, I'm living it right now. I often ask myself, what can I do to be happy right now? If I'm really in that dark place, I'll sardonically think 'kill myself', but more often than not I'll actually take it seriously and try to do something that makes me smile. Not even laugh, just smile. It's a start.

It can be tough trying to climb my way up bit by bit, but just for those moments where I am relieved that the pressure has been taken off my mind, I am thankful. It is scary though, because when every so often, that haunting depression comes back, I start to believe that I will never shake it off.

But I think one day I will. I'm starting to turn the different areas of my life around slowly, and although I crash and burn (a lot) I will alway pray that, in the end, I can hold on to the feeling of how wonderful it is to be alive.



S.K.
________________________________________

How Many Times? How Many Times?

I have been to counselling, I've been to my doctor, I've been to the Health Centre at my university, I've been to see my course leader, over the space of 15 months with a huge gap in between.

I've spoken to a close friend, my Mum, and other friends know tiny details here and there.

I've been recommended to the university Chaplain, to the Student Space Mental Health worker, to a psychotherapist, to my personal tutor. How many more people must I open my heart to? How long does this go on?

I didn't want this to happen. I don't want to be remembered as the one who fell apart. Me me me, the secret nutcase, the one who lives in her head to escape the real world, as Yanamari, as Karalan, as Jean, as Clear, as Kaede - then I return to this shithole-society, as S.K., as Shay, as Ashana Lian, as Isha K, because nothing is ever clear and there is never one of me. I can't cope being just one. It's like some part of me has to compensate for being a Nothing, so it makes multiples. Whatever, man. Whatever. Just give up.

Aren't all of the geniuses of the world basically insane? It would be great if in my mind was a hidden genius, but it seems like I just got the 'crazy' side of things and now I have to make do. I am scared. My siblings and Mama are getting hit by depression too. How do I help them? What do I do?

For now, I'll sing.

________________________________________

Born To Be Alone

I am scared to speak what's on my mind because of the fear of being misunderstood. But I don't want to be alive any longer. Why not die on my birthday?

________________________________________

Psychosis Nightmare

I have a lot to write and not much time, I'm just gonna bash it all out. Fuck grammar, fuck typos, lets do this.

I Will Find Peace

...of course, as life goes on.

Sometimes I read things in the news that breaks my heart. But I have to find a way to not be attached to those awful things. It's so easy to get sucked in for them to prey on my mind for days, weeks, sometimes months. I'm learning to let them go. Otherwise how can I try to aim for my own happiness if I'm constantly empathising with somebody else's pain?

I need to find a spiritual healer, maybe look into NLP, CBT, meditation, SOMETHING. I'm looking into it now.

S.K.
________________________________________

I'm Really Sorry

It's hard to explain over the phone. It's rare I will be honest over the phone. It's rare I will be honest anyway, no use if you can't do anything about it.

I have realised that when I am REALLY low, I can explain what I mean much better by writing than talking, which is the reason for this. I did this with my friend the other day and it was much better than choking over the phone.

Also, using blog instead of email so that I can put it together with the others and mark my 'progress', also so I don't have to repeat myself... which I may have to anyway because I don't really tell you anything soo.

Several thoughts were on my mind yesterday. First, the fact that I hadn't been able to stick to my schedule got me down. For example, I'd planned to do the assignments for those modules I told you about and haven't been able to, I haven't practised any Japanese, I haven't done any reading, etc. So that made me very upset because it's like, if I'd known I wouldn't achieve anything, I might as well have just relaxed properly and done nothing. Instead I've been stressed all week, intending to do something the next day and never being able to because something ALWAYS comes up, and what I haven't achieved is constantly on my mind. Moving on.

Next, I think I told you about my sleep, but lately I've been having nightmares whenever I go to sleep. On top of sometimes not being able to sleep, sometimes I'm too on edge to just lie down and not panic, especially if my mind is in a dark place but I'll talk about that later. Like I said just now I've been in bed most of today, both times when I feel asleep I've had dreams although they haven't been as bad as some I've had recently. They weren't nice though. Both were about me killing a lot of people or myself (or trying) or else witnessing it.

Next, the reason why I really wanted to see someone is because I've been cutting myself again, a lot, I wouldn't call it cutting though because I have a pin instead of a knife (which Mama took away) so this time it doesn't bleed but its the same motion, blahhwhatever. The reason why is because I was really overwhelmed but what I was feeling, will explain more later, and I was having something that I can only really describe as panic attacks, I'm not sure, I hoped to see someone today and talk about it but now I'm not, will explain LAAATER.... and also I was doing it because when I feel like I'm about to fall apart, the pain of it really helps to calm me down, plus in perspective emotional pain becomes less intense compared to the immediate physical pain, alsooo it makes lots of little ridges in my skin and when I run my thumb across it the day after, it kind of has a nice feeling and calms me down. Yeah. BUT, what I wanted to say, waass, that.. [sorry forgot for a min] was that I don't really feel like going anymore because although they try their best I don't think they're going to help me. I'm not in the mood to have the option of anti-depressants shoved in my face. I don't have much faith or confidence that they will do anything significant, and although I was desperate yesterday, its faded a bit now so I don't think I will.

So the 'overwhelmed by what I was feeling' & 'mind in a dark place', this is a bit harder to describe but I will try.

As you know I often have phase of feeling insecure, inferior, etc, I get stressed by Uni, I get stressed by pretty much anything, the more time passes, the greater my fear of certain things get. Sometimes I feel like, and this will sound silly, but that I have no future, I can never estimate where I will be in X years because from a spiritual point of view, I feel as if my lifeline ends sometime within three years. This feeling has gotten stronger in the last 2-3 months. I feel really ooold. Honestly. Even though I'm 20, lol. The last ten years, looking back, feel like decades now. I have old-fashioned ideals anyway, but I don't see myself being very adaptable to the future. I don't want to see myself at 40. I don't have high hopes for where either I will be or the world around me will be. I often don't think of suicide as in giving up but more because I don't want to be here, I really don't want to be here, I feel surrounded by monsters and fucking idiots. I suppose because I am afraid, but we've covered that already.

I am constantly looking for methods to bring my mood up, I think about what people my age or generally what other people do, and I know 'other people' is accounting for over six billion people, I suppose I mean the Western stereotypes. Say for example they might go out clubbing or cinema or watch a movie or go to a restaurant or play computer games maybe, or draw or paint or just watch TV, or drink alcohol or do drugs, and as you know, I don't like to do ANY of those things. Doing them doesn't make me happy, not doing them doesn't make me happy, I'm a bit stuck, being an anomaly.

As for the thing I do like doing =/ I have dreams and things for the future, I really hope to find a way to bring in extra income to help the family, but, the way I am feeling brings it all to a halt. I haven't really been able to write or do my music (time), or read spiritual or health books (no time) or meet friends or family (money or time) or do anything that I really like, so I'm constantly distressed. Some days I don't feel so bad, and I try to hold onto that by playing some music or... whatever, I don't really know wtf I do, I seem to pass hours doing jack all.

Because of my eyes hurting, I can only read/use the computer for a limited amount of time. Reading and using my laptop is REQUIRED for my course, so it makes studying a pain. Sleeping, covered. My energy is always low. Eating, my eating has been bad so that's adding to the problem no doubt. Mama brought up a smoothie today so good start I guess, trying to erase two months of deviance.

So like I said, the hardest part is figuring out which part of the never-ending cycle I should attack first, because I think that would make the rest unravel, but it's not happening. Which is why I thought I should see someone.



There's lots more to say about it, about for example the dark thoughts I'm having or the fact that I'm considering dropping out of university or changing university, and that I've thought about leaving my job too (the moneyy, I need the moneyyy!)

...but I feel tired just writing the above, I'm sue you'll feel the same reading, my head is hurting looking at the screen as well so maybe another time.

I'm definitely coming to the show though, just let me know what time to meet you. I need to get out of this house.



S.K.

This World Makes Me Sick, I Wish I Was Dead.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm writing this for.

I have a Thoughtbook that I write my moods in as well, but this blog is no less private than that book. Why do I keep writing on here?

Maybe in my mind, as this blog is public, I'm hoping that either somebody can give me the answers I need or else one of my many many tested methods of trying to improve my mood will work for somebody else out there. I really hope so. I am so fucking tired of repeating the same old shit, and not entirely sure what else I can do. Anyone reading this blog must be weary to see me back at the same dark spot over and over. I know I haven't yet tried everything, but I've tried so much that I'm mentally exhausted.

Also, my conscious efforts to stay positive were reinforced by the realisation that my depression has a knock-on effect on Mama, and seeing her cry scares the crap out of me. She's a tough cookie to me. I hate seeing her so helpless.

I've been obsessed with Beyond: Two Souls lately. Usually when I'm obsessed with something, it's a happy distraction from daily life. However. Beyond: Two Souls is possibly the darkest story I have ever been obsessed with, so as much as I love it, it's actually bringing my mood down. I am wondering if that fact that it made me think so hard about the human condition is what brought my depression back so fast.

Today was an awful, awful day. A few different things happened that would have technically made it a bad day, but bad days, compared to my Black Moods (depression) don't phase me anymore. I can shrug of minor unfortunate events. But I'm gonna write it anyway, hoping that a coping technique will jump out at me as I do...

I went to university to get some research done, and on the way I did some foo shopping, not really thinking it through. I ended up filling the bag I brought to carry the library books with more shopping than I actually needed. Never mind. At the university library, the bag broke. Strike one. I had to find a way to carry that and I hadn't even got the books yet. That didn't bother me as much as it could have. I thought, 'Well never mind, I'll tuck the book under my arm, the walk to the bus stop is only 5-10 minutes'. PLUS the bus stop was end of the line so it would be empty when I got on.

When I got to the stop, I saw that the bus was one of the older models buses and for some reason I groaned inwardly but I don't know why. The older buses kinda feel dirty, but that might just be my OCD, I'm sure they do clean it. Funnily enough, I think my reaction prompted later events.

It took ages before the bus was ready to let on passengers, I think because the buses behind it were late. I got on, no prob, then three fifths of the way home we got caught in traffic. As it was taking so long, there were loads of people waiting at every stop, making the journey take longer. Four fifths of the way home, the bus broke down. An just-under-an-hour-journey became almost two hours. And of course I was juggling an armful of books and (broken) bagful of shopping. In my mind, I was like 'okay, this shit happens, fine, get over it.' but my arms were starting to ache from all the waiting and I was aware that I was running out of revision time.

Skipping the rest, when I got home, I had to spend ages tidying up my room so that I could even bloody walk in it, let alone get together my revision stuff; Friday I put all the stuff to sell on ebay in my room, I work weekends, Monday I was out, so today it was a complete tip. MUCH better when I finished but then it was half-two, and I was already feeling exhausted. I hadn't studied all day and at that point I felt a little blue, and I have no idea why because a that point it didn't feel like a 'bad day'.

But then it got a lot worse. For some reason, Unpleasant thoughts began to resurface in my mind and I couldn't get rid of them. Lately they've been such a problem that I listen to music to get to sleep, but at that time it wasn't working. So I got back up and watched some Pewdiepie videos to cheer me up but my mind was so wrecked that I rarely found myself laughing, then all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't control myself anymore, I started shaking and crying and feeling really afraid. It was as if it was uncontrollable. I felt beyond help.

I stayed up, clearing out my email and doing things I never seemed to have time for until my eyes hurt too much to continue. I read one of the books for my course, George Orwell's Nineteen Eighty-Four, which I'd been wanting to read for ages so I thought that would lift my spirits. Wrong. There's a part in the book, only a few pages in, that made me feel SO. SICK. I don't think it would have affected me so strongly if I hadn't felt the way I'd been feeling. I would have been disturbed, yeah... my actual thoughts were 'What the fuck is wrong with this author? Do men actually think this? Fuck. Fuck this. This world sucks. I don't want to be a part of it. Get me out of here.' These are usually the thoughts that make me wish I was dead. I feel so tired. I kinda want to cop out. Obviously I don't tell people that, just put my head down and get on, that's what you do.

So clearly, that particular part hit a nerve in me and I didn't want to read it anymore. I'm wondering if I can get by this module without reading it at all. That particular bit I read had really fucked my mind up. It's now an addition to the thoughts circling my head. Then I went to bed and put music in my ears to drown out my thoughts. I went to sleep - I won't say 'thankfully' which is what I'd like to say, because I had this fucking crazy nightmare, which I KNOW is because of all of these thoughts I'm having. I won't go into details but my Dad was in it, and I woke up feeling shaken and very very sad.

So when I got up, my Black Mood had returned. As I'm writing now, I just realised that I didn't even think of cutting myself which is the usual solution. That definately a plus, but now I know I need to see someone quickly. I've been avoiding this for so long since the last one. I'm dreading it.

I feel as if I haven't just gone in a circle, I've ended up in a worse place than before. I really have no idea what to do. I can't write my book when I'm feeling like this. I have NO IDEA what to do.

But people have fought their way out of this, so I've got to as well. Do or die, right?

Anywhoo. Life goes on. I'll find something. Play loud music to drown my thoughts. Find happy stuff to do. I'm sorry if there's typos, but I don't have the heart to read everything I just wrote again. I'm sure you'll live.

First thing tomorrow, I need to make some phone calls.



S.K.

What does your life mean?

[Though when I say 'your', I really mean 'my'.]

Loads of inspiration at the beach today. Am about to sit down and bang it all out, but I have a lot of worries that I need to breathe out into this blog first.

My parents aren't going to be around one day.

I get that now. I understand that I will still be living my life, making decision and friends, doing my job, doing my best to be happy and make others happy, and they won't be there to talk to if I am sad, I won't be able to hear my Dad joking with me, I can't hear my mother's soothing voice, I can't share my joy with them when something good happens, I can't say, 'look at what I did!' or 'look at this book I (highly tempted to say 'writ'... it almost rhymes) wrote!', I can't give them more reasons to be proud of me and not feel like I was a miserable, wayward daughter, because they won't be there. This won't mean a damn to you.

I know I always said I'm never going to have children, and I'm highly skeptical of relationships, but I can see why people go through it. The fear of loneliness is paralysing. If you've lost your family, why not start your own?

I have endless brothers and sisters though, some that I don't even know about. It's so, so bizarre to think that they hold a fragment of my (my father's) genes and may pass them on. But it's my parents who make, or rather complete, the family. Dada and Mama talk easily about 'when they die' - they've lived their life, they've long accepted that it will one day be time for them to go. I'm 20 and I can't fucking accept that. I am such a fucking emotional wreck already that it might realistically destroy me. I don't want to watch them deteriorate.

Sorry for the swear. I feel like crying. (Okay I'm lying. Just wiped away my tears.)

On the drive back from the beach, Dada spoke about his parents heritage, about how my great grandfather came from the Ashanti tribe, in Ghana I think (will need to double check that) and was supposedly the caribbean equivalent of royalty. That stuns me. My Dad exaggerates sometimes (then again who else could I ask?) but he doesn't lie. I already knew that my ancestors were, by the standards of the time, wealthy. Royalty? Interesting.

Now look at me. Waiting for my student loan to come through so that I can have a smile on my face. Because, as you know, money is magic.

My grandparents and greats will never know that their son's son had me, that I am sitting here typing about them on a machine they could never have even imagined. This sort of thing tears me the fuck up. (Sorryfortheswear.) My brain, my stupid brain, can't stop turning it over. Also, this depressingly beautiful/beautifully depressing Heavenly Sword soundtrack is probably not helping... (endingcredits)

Awwwww laptop power run out... hang on while I get the cord...
Slightly lost my train of thought now...

Sometimes the world feels huge. Sometimes it feels so small. I feel like I have power to do anything when I'm elated. At other times, I am nothing, nobody, swept away in fifty years to be forgotten and replaced by another billion humans.

I can't help it. I know one day I will mean nothing, but I do want to feel that I made a difference while I was here, maybe changed the world for the better? On the drive back, I kept wondering to myself, imagine if I died on this motorway and all of this work, everything on my laptop and email that I have crafted and jigsawed together over the years of my life, poof, gone, just like that.

Like my old friend, Hannah Defoe.

I didn't know she had died until I sat down for my break at work last Saturday and opened the Metro to see her picture and details of the court case surrounding her death. I was stunned, I couldn't concentrate on work all day. There's more. She hadn't died recently. She passed away a long while ago. I've been disconnected from facebook and rarely speak to my old Dance Umbrella friends, so of course I wouldn't have known. But it makes me feel beyond strange, beyond unsettled. Hannah Defoe passed away, I didn't know or feel a thing while her parents must have felt their whole world turn upside down. It's not enough to say my heart goes out to them. My heart won't be worth a thing to them. They want their daughter.

I wanted to blog about it, but didn't know how. Hannah is one of the few people at Dance Umbrella that I can think of and remember exactly what she was like. She was really funny, she had a wicked dance style, I'd say she spoke lowly most of the time and didn't raise her voice much, she had nice wavy hair (in the Metro photo it was straightened), and she was very cool, if you get me. As in, very suave. Is suave right? (Probably not) She was great fun to be with and I don't remember having any issues with her, but we weren't close enough friends to have that squabbling going on.

She'll have friends that can give a description ten times better and more accurate than that, because that was how I knew her when I went to Dance Umbrella and that had to be four years ago.

I am completely different to how I was four years ago and depression had definitely touched me in a bad way. I'm pulling out of it, but I'm not as optimistic as I used to be. So although I felt shaken and upset at discovering she was gone by an impersonal means, I was also upset that I hadn't kept up with who she'd become and that we'd fallen out of touch. Linking back to four-ish paragraphs ago, that was why I started thinking hard about if I was just snatched away. Hannah was 20 when she passed, the age I am now.

I really pray that her parents can get to the bottom of the issue and find peace. Maybe not happiness but peace, at least.

Yeah, lots of dark thoughts circling my head today, the ravens. It's like, you get one, and others come.Oh, on a completely different note, I've discovered I don't hate seagulls so much after all! They have a pretty amazing way of flying against the strong breeze from the sea. Loved watching them, actually. Though... not when they came too close.

Today is the first day in the last two weeks that I haven't felt like my existence on earth was using up valuable air and why am I still alive again? What the hell is it all for? Whose grand scheme dictates that I should be here, wishing to not be here? Feeling like I'm out of sync with a world so eager to eb cut above the rest that it can't take a breath and see that there is a destructive element that is touching lives, nature, their own children...?

So in comparison, today was definitely a good day. Well, until now, I guess...

I think I could say more, but I need to end this because I have to write the material I thought up today for my book before bed. I think I will leave the Vlog today, maybe tomorrow though. But I won't do it if I wake up happy, because... why kill the mood?



Star .

p.s. Sorry for the typos. Fix 'em later.
p.p.s I always say that. Oh well.
p.p.afteritookashower.s. Took tired to write my book now. Tomorra. Gonna hit the hay.

Broken

Super Spoiler: Briefly talking about the end of the Hunger Games. BuzzTF off if you haven't read it yet.


When I finished reading the last book of the Hunger Games series, all I could think about was how broken she was. Broken. So many people she loved, gone, or no longer trustworthy. Their whole society - broken. Katniss - broken. The nightmares, awful memories, and deaths of loved ones would haunt her until her dying day. Whoever is in charge of Panem will try to make her a pawn until the very end. She's broken. She's completely broken. And she will never ever be the same again.

Not to compare my life to a (fictional) war on such a massive scale, but a destruction is happening inside of me, quietly, internally. Last year, something happened to some unreachable part of me that has tainted it, and I don't know what it is, but it has broken me. I will never be the same.

A friend said something to me in distress - she said that she hopes to God that she doesn't have depression because it never goes away. I remember feeling so angry with her because I'd never felt better in my life than I did right then, and I wanted to be the one in charge of my life and my emotions. I was convinced that I would come out on the winning side. But it is a sham, a hope, a hallucination, a sick mockery of what my life really is. It is nothing.

I never thought I would ever fully understand what it was like to be depressed. It's something I never talk about. Anyone who's been there, truly been there, will know that wrenching feeling, about not even knowing where to start when someone offers to be a confidant. Those who can open up about it - I admire them. But not me. No more. I'm done. I don't think I will have the heart to post on this blog any more, though I will try to hang on to any event that makes me happy, for as long as humanly possible. What concerns me most right now is how it will end. How will I do it? How will I commit suicide? I don't have the guts to do it. But when I think about my future, I don't see anything. There is nothing but the realisation of who I am, what life is. Nothing. Like I said. Hopefully, I can get back into the swing of pretending I am happy and that it means something, that I am not a small pawn in a scale of something far grander and far beyond my control. But this moment of reflection has helped me understand this basic fact about existence. It's horrible. I am happy for those who don't yet know it. Maybe it is the cause of chronic depression - because those who suffer it really know what's going on. Maybe. Probably.

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Power Songs

Perfect for when I feel as f****** melancholy as I feel now. Most are from games - songs without lyrics are like a soundtrack to my life. Not just songs I like, the Power Songs. They are the most important, more than any others at the moment. There will definitely be one I've missed, but whoTF cares.

POWER SONGS

Coldplay - X&Y
Jessie Ware - Wildest Moments (EVERY TIME)
Newton Faulkner - Teardrop (can't believe I'm saying this, but I've grown to like this more than Massive Attack's original version.)
Paramore - Stuck On You
Oasis - Keep The Dream Alive
Thomas Newman - Brooks Was Here & Any Other Name, but although there is power when I listen, the songs are so sorrowful that it also provokes depression.

Jade Empire
Jack Wall - Main theme
Jack Wall - Metropolis I and II

Ergo Proxy
Monoral - Kiri

The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword
Fi's Theme
Fi's Gratitude
Fi's Farewell
Lanayru Sand Sea (the two notes at the beginning give me shivers. Listen in headphones.)
Sailing The Sand Sea (when playing the actual game, the song isn't done justice. The full thing on youtube is epic.)

Gunslinger Girl (Anime)
The Delgados - The Light Before We Land
Aoi Tada / Lia - Doll
Ootani Kou - Kanashimi

Nabari No Ou
Michiro Oshima - Main Theme: Seijaku
Michiro Oshima - Tobari no Ketsui
Michiro Oshima - Departure
Anamu & Maki - Aru Ga Mama
VELTPUNCH - CRAWL (EVERY TIME.)



Blogvomit
Oh God. Has anyone ever felt this exhaustion so strong that it really makes them wish they were dead? How can they take another step, breathe another breath, think another thought? I feel as if the moment I stop typing, I will shut down. I want to eat and sleep and cry. The weather is so nice today. That makes me feel even more blue. (Don't ask me to explain that.) Lately, the moment I start to get tired, my mood plummets like an anchor thrown into in the sea. I never used to feel like this at just tiredness. It's fuckin horrible.

Damn... I'm more disturbed than I thought. I need help.


Star.
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