Grim Smiles: When Effort Isn't Enough

If I stop looking for the key to resolving my stress and loneliness, then I feel like it's my fault I'm still experiencing an emotional crisis, and that I didn't do enough to help myself.

Star .

SUSPENSION

Notice Of Suspension

This blog is now officially on suspension, from at LEAST

 February 2014 to September 2014.

Fine Print.

3-day Update: Mood and Food

I've been meaning to update but it kept being delayed for various reasons.

Images from kevssnackreviews.blogspot.com and chocologia.blog.hu .

Friday

On Friday, I wasn't doing too great. I feel like I let a friend down and my constant fatigue pulled down my mood so I kind of stayed in bed for most of the day. My Mum came into my room with some craziness like "Star, no matter how you feel, sometimes you've just got to push past that and not let that bother you."

Mental Fury: What do you think I've been doing? Do you think I give in to every slight upsetting thing that enters my head? NO! I am trying! I'm sorry if it got far enough for me to stop functioning but you didn't actually try to think about how I might have been feeling today.

Anyway, I didn't want to go into it.

Despite how that comment made me feel I'm glad I have someone in my life to tell me to knuckle down, sometimes I think it does shake off the misery a bit. Often is doesn't, but sometimes it does. She even made me some food. Ah, I did say I'd post Nix of The Forbearer a picture - sorry it's four days late, Nix!

It's really simple but it was tasty and improve my mood: chicken goujon-things, some sort of chicken lentil curry-thing (as it's Tuesday now, as I'm writing this, I completely forgot what she said), curly fries and frozen vegetables. OOO, and the Teasers for after!

So that cheered me up, and tasted very good. After that I had a bit more strength to pull myself together and get some work done. I'm really grateful to Mama.

MALTESERS TEASERS

I think this is my first blog post involving food as a topic and picture of said topic... oh, except for christmas... okay, maybe I'm wrong, I just can't be bothered to go through my archives.

I remember that easter when the Malteser bunny first appeared. They were sooo popular, and just delicious. Mama bought so many of those, way more than she should, prolly. And then the Teasers cropped up and you could buy those all year round, which was great. They taste kinda like the bunnies but inside the chocolate bunny (I forgot this until recently,) is a huge blob of honeycomb and inside the Teasers are little bubbles of honeycomb.

So, for some reason, since January I've been really craving these teasers bars and find myself buying one now and again. Then the bunnies were back on the shelves, three months early for easter *rolling my eyes* and i thought I get the 4-pack of mini-bunnies, only they're horrible. They chocolate on the outside is so thick compared to the honeycomb on the side and I didn't enjoy it at all.

Then I ended up tasting a bit of an actual bunny (it's was my Mum's and I was starving at the time) and that was delicious! I'd forgot how nice the normal ones tasted.


Oops, so anywhoo, the FREE BAR THING.

They're doing this 1-in-6 chance to win a free bar thing. As I'm more of a savoury person, I love my McCoys crisps and I don't mind some malted mind biscuits, I generally forget to check packets to see if I won anything. It's a habit NOT to check it with me. But this free bar thing, lately I've been winning quite a few! 1 in 6 - my chances of getting a winning one was pretty high anyway.

What was weird about it was - whenever I got a 'Congratulations! Free bar!' wrapper, it was out of a bar that I bought. Whenever I redeemed the free bar coupon in the wrapper, I got a 'Sorry, next time' wrapper. Both times I picked the bar of the shelf. Weird huh...

To date, I've won about 4 free bar wrappers, not including the one I bought for my Mum that she won. I keep forgetting to redeem the last 2 though. Meh, tomorrow.

That's it for the mo. I posted an extract of my book on another blog so I had to bounce, but I'm back now to post this.

Sunday

Oreo ice cream cone..

I've been craving these since I bought it yesterday. The Oreo biscuit on top is soft soft but the cone is so crunchy, and it has than unmistakably Oreo flavour. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I'll be near a Sainsbury's tomorrow! Think Im'ma pick some up!


KIDS

My nieces were over today. I didn't expect them to warm to me very much, I think I already explained about me being awkward with kids, but actually they really wanted to play with me. I was like Wha -?!

The older niece is really loud and boisterous and the younger niece is alot shyier and quieter, so I think they warmed to me because the older one is naturally curious and inquisitive, so she came over to ask me questions about what I was doing (washing up) and my birthmark and looots of others things, and because her younger sister copying ehr in pretty much everything, she came over too. The younger one was too shy to give me a hug last time but she did now :3 I think she's about three.

We played loooads of games. W played, uh.... Mums And Dads *shrug* Apparently I wasn't allowed to be the mum (lol) so I was the 'sister'; we played Copying (copying dance moves), we played Magic Stones, and we played Picnic. Probably the most fun I've had with kids in ages, (hahaha.) When they left, i was DEAD TIRED. I can't imagine what it would be like for there mum to have them all the time! No wonder some parents are always tired!

Image from www.tinseltown.co.uk

Tuesday

I went to see my course leader at university then I went to class and luckily some of my friends decided to come in. I was really happy to see them, it's been a long while. Over six weeks, I think. Then I spent the afternoon with my university friend, (let's call her Miss Lovely.) She really cheered me up today. She said she didn't feel like herself though which made me a bit sad.

Then he eyes went all full of wonder and she talks about Tinseltown, and I was like "Oooo let's go! When shall we go?" and she was like "Today!" and laughed and I was said "Okay!" It happened so quickly that we both paused for a minute for our minds to catch up with the transition from joke into seriousness, so just to clarify I said, "Sure, we can go after class today." And she was like okaaaay and looked really happy. :D

Tinseltown was greeeat. It's a brand new one thats just opened in ym town so it's really nice and cleeean (Lovely said the one in Queensway was 'grotty') and the music that was playing was okay, but it was commercial pop music like what plays on the radio and I was like 'eh'... but at least they didn't play any songs I hated. And although it was loud, as least it wasn't deafening (Lovely said queensway was deafening). We had to serve ourselves, like Nandos and GBK (though she said the one in Queensway, they serve you. That was interesting. I wonder why they made the change?)

I shoulda taken a picture of the food. It look really nice on the white cutlery and was well presented.

As I don't eat pork, I've never had a hot dog, but as the TinselTown hots dog are 100% 'prime' beef, I decided to go for it. At least I got to try something new and it wasn't that far a jump from the beef burger which was what I wanted. Since I bought sainsbury's frozen quarter pounders, I've been craving beef burgers, but that beef hot dog was a perfect substitute =] Even now, just over two hours later, I still feel content, not a bit hungry. The portion was pretty big for seven quid!

And because of my newfound oreo addiction (Mum's fault. She started it (e_e) ) I was SO tempted to try a Oreo shake or even more, the Oreo ice-cream-cake thing. But I'm glad I didn't because I was FULL after my one meal. Pheeee-yew.

The only thing was that was concerning me (apart from the music, towards the end,) was firstly that where me and Lovely sat, but side was the comfy, bright green booth thing but her side was like a chair. I asked if her chair was comfortable and she said 'it's alright'. another thing is the light was really low over the table. I mean yeah I appreciate being able to see what I'm eating but as it wasn't even dark yet, I just thought about how annoying it was that that light was so low after Lovely hit her head twice standing up.

But that's it. It was a good first-time experience, like when I went to Frankie and Benny's for the first time in December and TGI Friday's got the... oh, actually I think it was the second time - in November. It was really nice, and great food, all three times.



What now?

As I went to see my course leader today, I am aware of my options in terms of my course. I am behind, as in, missed a term's worth of work behind, and that does scare me, but I also believe I can catch up, especially as I'm meant to be getting a mentor. Today I'm going to get my blog posts ready for the rest of the week, schedule them, forget about them.

Then I can focus on my investment course coming up this weekend, writing my book, and planning my university work timetable.

If I get a bit of extra time, I may even be able to work on my online stories DVTJ and BGF, because at the moment it's pitifully slow, especially as I've been devotedly focussing on my Fantasy Blog for my other ego. It's taking a lot out of me. I'm lucky to post one chapter a month.

I need to prioritise.

The most important thing right now is me and my health. One I can get that MOSTLY okay, I can figure out where I derailed and get back on track. then I'll be moving again.



Star.

Something happened today at work that really brought me down. I don't want to put the details on my blog, but it made me very very unhappy and my self-esteem feels like zero. It was offensive and really hurt my feelings. However an apology was made. Still though, I kept thinking about it, to the point where I came home feeling very depressed and suicidal. It was hard to stop the tears so I went to bed, but the moment I was asleep I had a nightmare about a friend leading me into a trap where someone tried to kill me, directly after, I had a dream where I was at work and everybody hated me. I will not write these in my dream book.

I am so so grateful that, for once, I decided to confide in my sister, because she gave me some advice and then spend the rest of this evening cheering me up and distracting me and whatnot. At first I couldn't get it out of my mind, and whatever she did my mind kept drifting. But finally, now as I write this, I was able to at least laugh with her and I feel lighter now. This has put me in even better spirits because I was terrified of being still miserable on Christmas day. My Mum would be able to tell and it would ruin it for her. Also I've completely lost my appetite, which is rare, so that might clue her in too. But I think I have the strength to at least fake it now.

I feel very upset still because I feel that it came about from being sluggish and not up to speed lately. It takes me a long to time process what's been said which leads to embarrassing incidents, doing and saying stupid things, being made a fool of by other people. It's really upsetting, because I know I'm not normally like this but I feel stupid and dumb. And worthless. I wish I knew how to get more confidence. I hate to say this, but everything is going wrong. It gets harder to see the bright side of things with each passing day. But I'll just carry on, I guess. Something has to change, eventually.

Seems Like I Threw That Anchor Into The Sea With My Heart Attached

It's taken me a long while to write again, because I didn't know how to piece the words I wanted to say together. I still don't. Wednesday was horrible. It had been a long time since I'd felt so afraid and tired and depressed and exhausted that I had a breakdown, crying incessantly, cutting myself excessively, wondering why I was alive, why I was born, blah blah. S'not like I haven't been there before. Just saying that makes me feel like scum. Sitting here now, I'm getting so sick and tired of these awful, awful days and then looking back and going, oh yeah, had another one of those Kill Me days. Hey, suicide! That seems like a good idea! Why don't I go ahead and ruin my family's life! Maaaaaaaaaaaan. I'm out of ideas, I'm so exhausted, SO EXHAUSTED, I never get enough sleep these days, or else too much. It's like, no matter how much I try to be proactive about getting out of this pit I'm stuck in, now it feels like nothing I does matters. But I don't feel Boo-Hoo about it, just pissed off that I wasn't a stronger person to take control of my destiny. I don't like being shitted on by fate. I know it's something I've done. I know I have to try harder. But I have no energy left, and that makes me very afraid. My mum is so stresses out, my sister said that every time we stress her out like that, we take years off her life. That terrified me to the point of tears. That I could be responsible for my mothers death. I want to help her so badly, but I don't know what else to do, I really and truly don't. I don't trust anti-depressants, and that's all my Doc can do for me, so why bother with the GP? I'd rather be dead than take pills. I realise that it's a terrible thing to say. But for anybody to understand why I feel that way, I'd have to start from the beginning, and when I had a break-down at work and had to explain it to my supervisors, it took a long time for them to get why I was so afraid.

Said this before but as long as I'm alive I'll never stop trying. It's just getting so hard right now. I can't change anything unless I can get better sleep, I can't get better sleep unless I stop with this binge eating, stopping binge-eating is a challenge as I do it BECAUSE I feel so down. Vicious circle. Weakest point seems to be the eating, I'll smash the thing to pieces from there.

There, blog vomit, as I promised myself.

Also did a bullshit boo-hoo ranty vlog for the first time ever. Nobody on this living earth with ever see it.

Typos are no longer my issue, I will never read this again.

I'm Really Sorry

It's hard to explain over the phone. It's rare I will be honest over the phone. It's rare I will be honest anyway, no use if you can't do anything about it.

I have realised that when I am REALLY low, I can explain what I mean much better by writing than talking, which is the reason for this. I did this with my friend the other day and it was much better than choking over the phone.

Also, using blog instead of email so that I can put it together with the others and mark my 'progress', also so I don't have to repeat myself... which I may have to anyway because I don't really tell you anything soo.

Several thoughts were on my mind yesterday. First, the fact that I hadn't been able to stick to my schedule got me down. For example, I'd planned to do the assignments for those modules I told you about and haven't been able to, I haven't practised any Japanese, I haven't done any reading, etc. So that made me very upset because it's like, if I'd known I wouldn't achieve anything, I might as well have just relaxed properly and done nothing. Instead I've been stressed all week, intending to do something the next day and never being able to because something ALWAYS comes up, and what I haven't achieved is constantly on my mind. Moving on.

Next, I think I told you about my sleep, but lately I've been having nightmares whenever I go to sleep. On top of sometimes not being able to sleep, sometimes I'm too on edge to just lie down and not panic, especially if my mind is in a dark place but I'll talk about that later. Like I said just now I've been in bed most of today, both times when I feel asleep I've had dreams although they haven't been as bad as some I've had recently. They weren't nice though. Both were about me killing a lot of people or myself (or trying) or else witnessing it.

Next, the reason why I really wanted to see someone is because I've been cutting myself again, a lot, I wouldn't call it cutting though because I have a pin instead of a knife (which Mama took away) so this time it doesn't bleed but its the same motion, blahhwhatever. The reason why is because I was really overwhelmed but what I was feeling, will explain more later, and I was having something that I can only really describe as panic attacks, I'm not sure, I hoped to see someone today and talk about it but now I'm not, will explain LAAATER.... and also I was doing it because when I feel like I'm about to fall apart, the pain of it really helps to calm me down, plus in perspective emotional pain becomes less intense compared to the immediate physical pain, alsooo it makes lots of little ridges in my skin and when I run my thumb across it the day after, it kind of has a nice feeling and calms me down. Yeah. BUT, what I wanted to say, waass, that.. [sorry forgot for a min] was that I don't really feel like going anymore because although they try their best I don't think they're going to help me. I'm not in the mood to have the option of anti-depressants shoved in my face. I don't have much faith or confidence that they will do anything significant, and although I was desperate yesterday, its faded a bit now so I don't think I will.

So the 'overwhelmed by what I was feeling' & 'mind in a dark place', this is a bit harder to describe but I will try.

As you know I often have phase of feeling insecure, inferior, etc, I get stressed by Uni, I get stressed by pretty much anything, the more time passes, the greater my fear of certain things get. Sometimes I feel like, and this will sound silly, but that I have no future, I can never estimate where I will be in X years because from a spiritual point of view, I feel as if my lifeline ends sometime within three years. This feeling has gotten stronger in the last 2-3 months. I feel really ooold. Honestly. Even though I'm 20, lol. The last ten years, looking back, feel like decades now. I have old-fashioned ideals anyway, but I don't see myself being very adaptable to the future. I don't want to see myself at 40. I don't have high hopes for where either I will be or the world around me will be. I often don't think of suicide as in giving up but more because I don't want to be here, I really don't want to be here, I feel surrounded by monsters and fucking idiots. I suppose because I am afraid, but we've covered that already.

I am constantly looking for methods to bring my mood up, I think about what people my age or generally what other people do, and I know 'other people' is accounting for over six billion people, I suppose I mean the Western stereotypes. Say for example they might go out clubbing or cinema or watch a movie or go to a restaurant or play computer games maybe, or draw or paint or just watch TV, or drink alcohol or do drugs, and as you know, I don't like to do ANY of those things. Doing them doesn't make me happy, not doing them doesn't make me happy, I'm a bit stuck, being an anomaly.

As for the thing I do like doing =/ I have dreams and things for the future, I really hope to find a way to bring in extra income to help the family, but, the way I am feeling brings it all to a halt. I haven't really been able to write or do my music (time), or read spiritual or health books (no time) or meet friends or family (money or time) or do anything that I really like, so I'm constantly distressed. Some days I don't feel so bad, and I try to hold onto that by playing some music or... whatever, I don't really know wtf I do, I seem to pass hours doing jack all.

Because of my eyes hurting, I can only read/use the computer for a limited amount of time. Reading and using my laptop is REQUIRED for my course, so it makes studying a pain. Sleeping, covered. My energy is always low. Eating, my eating has been bad so that's adding to the problem no doubt. Mama brought up a smoothie today so good start I guess, trying to erase two months of deviance.

So like I said, the hardest part is figuring out which part of the never-ending cycle I should attack first, because I think that would make the rest unravel, but it's not happening. Which is why I thought I should see someone.



There's lots more to say about it, about for example the dark thoughts I'm having or the fact that I'm considering dropping out of university or changing university, and that I've thought about leaving my job too (the moneyy, I need the moneyyy!)

...but I feel tired just writing the above, I'm sue you'll feel the same reading, my head is hurting looking at the screen as well so maybe another time.

I'm definitely coming to the show though, just let me know what time to meet you. I need to get out of this house.



S.K.

Pissed as fuck.

Do I need a reason to be pissed? No? Then fuck it all.

For some reason beyond me, I am having a bad day. Admitting it and not trying harder to find my Happy Place goes against every lesson on vibrations that I have ever heard from Abraham, but I have no choice but to try again tomorrow. Because it's as sure as fuck not happening today.

Also, lately I've been really hungry. Sounds weird and slightly irrelevant, but I'm sure it has a factor in the way I feel today. Not sure how I should be combatting this. I have a few possible theories for why I am constantly hungry:

- Despite that I am eating frequency, I'm not eating what I need to be eating in order to feel satisfied, ie. I am still lacking in a vitamin;
- I am not chewing my food properly because I am eating too fast because I am hungry, hence not allow the nutrients in my food to be released and satisfy the hunger craving...;
- Despite eating frequently, I still crave the taste of certain foods without realising that I'm not actually hungry;
- I'm actually thirsty and not hungry but not realising it.

-

So, why the BUMBLECRACKERS are EA shutting down The Sims 2 site? ARGHH! Okay, I get it, the site (and the game) is getting old. Maybe they don't wanna maintain it anymore because it's not longer a good investment of time and money. But I am really really pissed because...

... well as I mentioned in previous posts, my sims 2 game is getting dodgy on this laptop. It runs fine but there are a shitload of glitches.

First off, one of my sims called Shiroi gets this dodgy outfit when she does certain things. Kind of like burnt skin, but it looks a like robot with multi-coloured squares on it like she just walked out of byte-land or something. It's weird, it's creepy, but thankfully it goes away when she takes a shower and redresses.

Second, another sim, Susan Diablo, had the shower graphic of spraying water fixed to her. It happened because I made her fix the broken shower and fast-forwarded it to make her finish it quickly, but then the spurting water graphic was fixed to her wherever she went. It was SO ANNOYING. It looked like she was doing some crazy sweating, not funny at all. To make it stop, I had to use the cheat 'moveobjects on', delete her, and then go back into the game.

Third, I had four chairs around a rectangular table. When the Dad sim - I think it was Checo Ramirez from Bluewater Village - sat in it, he got stuck and couldn't get out. I think I had to delete the chair and the table in Buy/Build mode to get him out.

Fourth, but certainly not last, no matter how many windows I place in the house, there's no light coming in. I have to keep the lightbulbs switches on all the time to actually SEE wtf my sims are doing.


See? It doesn't MASSIVELY interrupt the gameplay but its annoying! And I'm tired of being told by people (well, only my sister Azure) to switch to Sims 3. I will! But I'll do it when I'm good and ready! I wanted to download the patches to help my game run smoother, but I can't get a hold of that now. Can't even tell you how irritated this has made me. smhwtfmkmt.

Plus, there was this amazing story on the Sims 2 site by a user called psychopete7 (actually it might have been psychopete 9) who created 'Answer The Phone', 'Horror', and... idk, this one about a crazy lady, might've been called 'Mind'. I remember the chapters were in Roman numerals.

I did find a site called simpvip that has downloaded and uploaded the sims 2 patches in lieu of the site being closed, so good on them. At least Sims 2 users know that it's there.


-

Pink Sovereign is on it's way to being done. I am massively pleased with the mascot I created for it, because she is really really cute. I adore her. ^

So I'ma just hang on to that until I go to bed because otherwise, everything in life feels shit right now.

Guess it's just one of those days.



Star.
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Simon's Cat

I feel like ending it today. I feel so empty that it makes me angry, which stops me sleeping, which led to me being exhausted this morning. I am KNACKERED. Also, I feel like throwing myself under a car. But I will resolve to watch this whenever I feel like shit. It never fails to get a laugh out of me.

 


S.K.
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Give Me The Word To Describe How I'm Feeling.

This post was going to be called 'Physical vs Digital Pt. 2', where I was going to explain about my sister Aime who loves watching the Harry Potter movies and has a better experience than those who nit-pick because they've read the books...

...until I realised, not only could I give less of a shit, but also that the subjects I'm choosing for my blog posts are becoming pitifully sad. It would be okay if I at least posted some fiction, but I've lost the courage to post any of my work even on here. I'm starting to sound like someone who needs to get a life.

Which IS true, I suppose. I don't really go out anymore. A lot of things seem pointless to me now. Mama gets sad sometimes because I don't sit down and watch a movie with her anymore or spend time with the family. It was only when she said it that I realised I don't make an effort; I just find everything so fcking tedious.

I spoke to my other sister Azure, who, though clever word-smithery, made me realise that I'm dreading going to University, the only thing that provided even the opportunity of looking forward to something. I feel like sitting on my arse and bursting into tears.

I've got just about enough money to get to work next week. Frustration is not even the word. I couldn't go to a much eagerly awaited book signing, and I won't be able to go to the London Film And Comic Con either. Pissed is not even the word. I've got a waiting list of things I wanted to buy on eBay from months ago, and a so-called 'business' that hasn't even taken off the ground get. Infuriated is not even the WORD.

A couple of days ago, I sat down and wrote a little of Venus versus Mars, then opened The Urban Piper at Chapter 8-ish. I was completely awed at myself. I can assuredly say right now that The Urban Piper has got to be the best thing I have ever written, despite that the storyline doesn't always make sense, and the scenes aren't always relevant. Suddenly I felt a little inspired and really eager to write more, but to get back into the style I was writing in then, I had to read Chapter Seven. That left me wanting more, so I made to open Chapter Six when I realised how dumb I was being, reading the damn thing backwards. I started from the beginning, and what I found made me sad at my own memories, proud of my own small success with the story, and feeling a mixture of elation and emptyness.

The worst part is, I know that I can do it. Somewhere in me, I have the ability, the courage and the endurance to write a book and finish it. So why is it that whenever I'm looking at this screen, I get a headache? Reading The Urban Piper after so long let me see some crucial mistakes I was making. Finally I could fill some holes. That should've made me feel like I was getting somewhere, but it only made me feel tired.

Right, my head hurts. I'm going to drown or suffocate my sorrows in something; supanoodles, a book, a knife, etc. (let's start with supanoodles.)



I Am The Alter-Ego Writer, But Who Am I? (any ideas?)

S xx
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Exhaustion

I'm tired.

I have been tired for weeks, but I think I've been pretty good at hiding how fed up I am, it's only at home it's harder because I'm tired after work. I think now its really starting to show though. Hopefully I'm overcoming it. Last week and the week before, I was having thoughts that scared me, about suicide and all sorts of shit that you really shouldn't be thinking when you're nineteen and in your first job. It's kinda dumb. It doesn't really make any sense. I KNOW that every challenge in life is only a hurdle - once you overcome it, it'll seem like nothing, and then the next challenge will come along. You just have to keep going. But I still can't stop hurting myself.

I don't think I quite remember how to stop, actually. My self-confidence has completely dropped and it's a struggle to motivate myself to do anything. It's like I can't control my thoughts. I embarrass myself. I feel stupid and like a complete f****** idiot, but like everyone, I have good days and bad days. At the moment I can't tell what sort of days I'm having, because it's the sort of day I would typically class as 'good' and thus does not explain why I feel so bad.

All the fears I was holding for the last few weeks, I finally confided them to my Mama, which was probably the right thing to do, because for the previous two or so weeks I'd been crying myself to sleep. But my mood lifted a lot after speaking to her... thank God, finally I could put the craft knife away and stop drawing lines on my skin like a maniac. I suppose I'm just scared about a lot of things. That must be it. There must be something inside me that keeps dragging my mood down, because on the outside, there is no logical reason for me sulking round the house like a moody bitch.

It's also why I decided not to blog for a while. I'd rather not have endless posts of gloom and misery, I thought if I could write it down and wrap it all up in one post, I could just push it to the back of the closet and get on with my life. Yay yay yay, happy happy sunshine beams and rainbows blah blah blah. I feel a little bit like a hermit. I don't really go out much any more or talk to my friends like I used to, but that's something I chose to do though, that part is solely my fault, because I'm not as interested in the stuff I used to do now, and although I have a lot of close friends, what it happening to me at the moment is personal and I'm not going to explain this to them. Maybe they would understand, but they can't give me the help and advice that I want (I wish I had a spiritual guide :( ). So texts and emails are on hold. Life bores me.

BUT, I knowwwww I will get over it, BECAAUUUSE, as I've been told, everybody gets to this point at some stage in their life. So I have to smile and carry on. =] Obviously I must have a defect to get these feelings so early, but at least I don't have to worry about them later :) ...that was an adequate attempt at a joke. You can laugh if you want. ( e_e )

Now that's done with, maybe I can finally concentrate on writing something. That would be nice, for once. For ONCE in my life, to actually write something and finish it. I wait with crossed fingers.

I've been watching The 4400 lately, watching episodes back to back on Netflix. Jacqueline McKenzie is the most amazing actor. Actually, I have a whole load of favourites, to many to name. It's such an incredible idea, the plot is really really good, and it inspired me to complete an idea I began about seven years ago when I started secondary school. It was a pretty shit idea then but it's sprung to life in the most incredible way now. Which is great, of course... but anyone who knows me, REALLY knows me, knows that characters names are really important to me, and changing a name that I really feel is right is like a traumatic experience. But I have no choice now, because when I looked back in my notebook I realised that the names of the leads characters for that idea were Will and Kate !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whaathefuuuuuuhhhhh!!!!! I couldn't believe it. I was laughing to myself for ages. I must be some sort of Seer to predict the coupling of those names, and then what, five, six years later Prince William marries Kate Middleton. I. Am. Amazing. A suicidal freako amazing super weirdo genius.

Whispers Underground had better hurry up and come out. I think that would lift my mood. Even better, I could go to Ben Aaronovitch's book signing next month if I wanted :) If I just focus on these things, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Pray for me, 'kay?



Star xx
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It Really Was A Miracle

This past week has been a radical change for me. I've gone from being completely depressed and without aspiration, to being utterly and blissful happy and positive for the future.

As many people knew, I was very down in the last few weeks. Those who did know were mainly family - I was so withdrawn that I fell out of contact with a lot of friends, and only now am I beginning to get back in touch with them. The reason for my unhappiness was difficult to explain to those who asked why I looked to sad all the time. Generally I would just tell them that I was just having a stressful time at work, but it was more than that; between work and home, I was miserable. I found escape nowhere. I was worried about the university degree I'm starting in September, worried about these endless books that I've begun and haven't completed, about the new work location I'd moved to and how uncomfortable and exasperated the staff made me feel, what my future would be like and whether it would feel like this. I felt insecure about my looks. I knew that to wallow in that negativity all the time was seriously bad for my health, but didn't know how to turn it around, as I mentioned in my last depressing post.

BUT.

I made a decision about my job that, after all my tears, has lifted a great weight off my shoulders. My eldest brother (lets call him 'Jules'), my sister (lets call her 'Aime') and Annie have helped me through it and talked to me quite a lot about it... in this post I'm literally just going to lay it out and ascertain that I did the right thing.

Sunday before last, I was a bit of an emotional wreck about work. (I had changed locations, so let's call the first job I had Old Job and the place I moved to, where I felt quite on edge and uneasy, New Job.) I was struggling to get on with the staff. Some things take time to get used to, but this was really getting me down. I felt as if I wasn't doing as well at New Job. I already know that little things bother me easily, and it's one of the greatest challenges that I have to overcome when it comes to me, but on that Sunday (the 19th), I really felt as if I'd reached my limit. In my opinion, crying over work is absolutely not worth it, because nothing should make anyone feel that upset - if that's the case, somebody needs to change job. But I was in tears. I felt pointless for being that sad, but at the same time I didn't want to move yet because I didn't want to feel like I was running away from my problems; I'd only been there for three weeks.

Jules saw that I'd been upset and spoke to me for a little while (for the record, this hasn't happened in a very long while, I don't see him that much) and offered me a suggestion that completely terrified me, although I knew it was a sure-fire way to address the problem. The next day when I was leaving for work, he spoke to me again and gave me the courage I needed. I managed to talk to some people and for the time being, I'm moving back to my old location, which was much simpler than I ever could've imaginedas a colleague had recently left, which was unexpected and quite sad, as I spoke with her quite a bit. It's a solution that I was very much hoping for, and I should have felt happy. But even after that, I still felt down.

On the phone to Aime, she told me (with her mouth full of Beef Casserole) "I don't understand what the problem is. You got what you wanted, you should be happy!"

I agreed. I should be. My mother very HELPFULLY (that's sarcasm) made a point about problems in life coming back around when you run away instead of tackle them. I'd already had the thought that maybe I'd run out on a problem instead of addressing it, so I resented her for being that injection of doubt when I was trying to be happy. But at the same time, I wasn't 'running out' on the problem strictly speaking, but taking holding of an opportunity at Old Job that I was a afraid I wouldn't get again. I wanted to stay with my old team.

Then, of Wednesday evening (the same day I'd been speaking to Aime on the phone,) I listened to 'The Miracle Of Self-Discipline', by Brian Tracy.

Basically... I felt as if I'd been retaught all the things I had known and forgotten at some point, only I was being reminded of them at a time when I really, really needed it. That in itself completely changed my mood. Everybody in my family who's heard this has been motivated in their life, and I felt exactly the same. It was like a light in a dark room.

More than anything, though, it was a wake-up call. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. The Miracle Of Self Discipline addressed issues I was having to do with my psychical, mental and emotional health, as well as giving me the correct tips to straighten out my life such as Goal Setting and Time Management. It's been about five days now that I've been working through the Nine Disciplines, and by doing that I feel healthier, happier, and very much as if I'm facing several of my problems at once. Suddenly, all the things I want to do in my life are possible again.

At the same time, I've been reading 'Discovering Atlantis' by Diana Cooper and Shaaron Hutton and it's reminded me to be so grateful for everything I have and that I am so blessed to have so many people that care about me and support me. Thinking in this way fills me with a lotta love. :) 

Now, thinking back on my dilemma, I am happy and comfortable with the decision I made. I AM going to make it work, but just like Aime said, "When you think about it, if a manager had to let you go, they would just do it. And you wouldn't have a choice. So if you need to leave somewhere to be happier somewhere else then just leave." Now back at Old Job today, I felt so HAPPY that I could've been a little bubble of joy about to burst. It's been so long since I felt like that. I feel as if my self-esteem has boosted, AND So much of my life has fallen back into order, which is, y'know... great. :)

 

Peace, Love.

Star xx

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Breaking Point

I honestly hope no-one's reading this blog right now.

Whitney Houston passed yesterday. Or was it very early today? God, I don't know. I got the text from my brother today and simply couldn't believe it. It's simply tragic. My brother sent me another text after saying; 'You never know when you're gonna go that's why it's so important to enjoy life, live and be happy. RIP Whitney.' I really do wish I could be happy right now. Just like with Michael Jackson, it's weird to hear about the death of a person who had made such a mark on my childhood; my mother is a singer, and Whitney was one of her most beloved female artists, along with Mariah Carey, The Supremes, Etta James, the very back-in-the-day Rhythm&Blues and Soul singers. Countless, countless times, I've heard Whitney Houston's album blaring so loudly that this isn't a place in the house you can go to escape it, and there's Mama, singing right along with it.

Ironically, after receiving that sombre text this morning my day proceeded to get worse. Even as I'm sitting here, it's dawning on me that all the times I felt pointless, meaningless, unfulfilled and empty these past couple of weeks might not simply be the Mood Of The Day - and I no longer think it's teenage angst either. I don't think I've ever been so unhappy. I'm due to start University to study English and Dance next year and the thought of going turns my stomach. I don't even feel a passion for dance any more. It's something I 'do', not exactly something I 'live for' - and I only do it because it's the only thing that I've stuck with over the years and thus my only talent. I feel like its the only thing I can do - and even then, I don't invest in it at all these days.

I'm supposed to be writing a book. I can only ever get through it in short leaps - every time I see a book or advertisement of The Hunger Games, I feel discouraged. I feel like a fake - and I had my idea before I even knew what T.H.G. was. I've been at my new job for a week, and I'm starting to hate it. I can't take control of my eating habits and the days where I used to motivate myself to actively keep fit are a vague dream. All this shit I'm eating has made my skin terrible and I've gone back to a recurring compulsive habit I have, some fucking ridiculous nervous disorder where I can't stop absent-mindedly clawing at my skin until it bleeds. It's such an old stress habit that I don't even think about it any more, but it must sound awful. And disgusting. I don't know why I haven't got blood poisoning. There's this gnawing pain in my gum that flares up randomly and makes it difficult to concentrate - I'm hoping it's not my wisdom tooth again. I'm biting down on it now - it hurts in the way your nerves throb when you bang the funny bone in your elbow. It's feels weird - and it just hurts. Even my sister says that me being miserable isn't a temporary phase for me any more... it's my character.

This both upset and frustrated me. I can't be happy for everyone - at work, I'm known as cheerful and upbeat, and I manage to keep myself in this frame of mind until I can finally come home and cry. So either my colleagues get the shit end or my family do. I know who is more important. Now that I've changed locations, I find it difficult to maintain that boundless positivity I had before. At first I simply thought that I was just uncomfortable in a new location, but after today, I realised that it wasn't discomfort. It was dislike. For someone like me, who always tries to see the bright side of things, I couldn't help but entertain thoughts of resigning, or maybe being fatally injured so I won't have to.

God. I sound suicidal now. I hope no-one's reading this. I'd better post loads of shit tomorrow to push this post to the bottom.

I feel I needed to address this somewhere... here seemed the best place; I don't really like to offload on other people. Usually I talk to Mama, but she has a few troubles of her own at the moment. Still, I know it's not good to sit with all this on my chest and let it brew. I feel as if I've already reached my limit of how much I can take and I want to do something to change my situation, turn this mess around and shake off this depression that follows me everywhere. I'm sick of trying to please people and I'm sick of 'sorry' being the only word out my mouth these days. It makes me sad to think that my enthusiastic little brother is growing up to think that I'm always like this - he doesn't remember the time when I was just like him, happy and laughing all the time.

From what I've learned, I can't expect answers to fall into my lap, I have to assertively make the adjustments myself, and I know this. When I change my mindset and get rid of these negative thoughts, the energies around me will also change - that's why I've been making an effort to do creative things like paint, draw, even something as mindless as colouring in, to calm my nerves. Although it is effective for a while, eventually I end up feeling like how I do today, and those activities hold no appeal to me. But of course I will continue to try, even though it will be difficult. I don't believe that it's impossible for me to be happy, but I'm starting to feel at a loss as to how I can help myself. I guess I'll keep praying as I do every night, until something comes to me. 

SK.
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