Tuesday, 25 September 2012

The Sad Truth

I can't sleep. I feel so upset that I just want to close my eyes and rest so that tomorrow will be here, but I can't sleep. The more I am aware, the more I'm just lying here, thinking about what it upsetting me - and the more I can't sleep. It's a vicious cycle that has robbed me of good sleep for the last few days, now.

I feel wrong. I feel like I'm not wired properly or something, like there's a part I'm missing that most people have, simple things like being able to go out, and have fun and not worrying about what other people think, and simply living life day by day without constantly thinking about killing yourself. Thinking back, I'm not even really sure I have ever been 'right', even when I was younger. I didn't think about it then, I was happier and carefree. But I have always been different. The fear that I will always be an outsider is a big part of why suicide haunts me.

What's so stupid is that I know I will never do it; commit suicide. I am scared of disappointing my Mum and I'm also scared that it will be painful. But what worries me is killing myself by impulse, or by mistake.

I am cutting myself again, even though I promised my therapist I wouldn't. My promises don't mean much now anyway - there was a time when a promise made by me was law. I am disappointed in myself for being weak, and distressed that by being weak I am disappointing people who are trying to help me, like my Mum. I don't think she knows what to do, any more. Maybe she doesn't care. She loves me, but I am never happy nowadays and I guess I don't really know how a Mum of six is supposed to deal with one clinically depressed daughter either.

Because I have been self-harming and I have been so upset, tension makes my body ache, and my cuts hurt whenever I sit, lie down, stretch, so on. I'm glad to feel them, because it distracts me from destructive thoughts, and in that brief moment my mind is blissfully blank.

I don't know how to stop myself thinking. I have asked countless people for help; my friends, my family, and mental health specialists. I feel like they have abandoned me, even when they are around, because they don't know how to deal with me.

The sad truth is that I don't know how to deal with myself.

I desperately need to find a constructive way to distract myself from my thoughts of unhappy or embarrassing situations; thoughts of whether or not I have made the right course change; thoughts of how much I hate myself and everything that I am, my face and my name; thoughts of suicide and sudden panic-attacks - without cutting. As long as I live, I must find the answer. If I don't, then that is of no consequence, because I will obviously be dead.



  1. Hey Star,

    I've been reading your posts for a while now, and have never responded. The truth is that I didn't know how to respond, or if I even should. Even though I'm studying psychology, I don't want to come off as a textbook.

    After reading this post, I felt so much of your pain...mostly because it's a pain that I share. I've been depressed for quite some time now, but I've learned how to mask it and "function".

    I used to be worse...going to bed in tears, feeling so miserable and dreadful, but not really knowing why. I always felt like something was different, or that I didn't belong. Suicide was always lurking behind me. But like you, I KNEW that I could never go through with it...fear of the unknown consequences..fear of the pain...fear of leaving my family. But then, there's that glimpse of hope that maybe, just maybe I can overcome this feeling...maybe one day I'll be able to smile without faking it...maybe I'll enjoy this thing called life. I've never gone as far as cutting myself, but I did do a lot of mental damage with myself.

    I can't tell you that I'm totally over my depression. But, I will say that each day is a choice. Each day, I have to take life in stride. Some days, depression wins.

    I think we have to find our inner strength and fight even when we feel like giving up. That's easier said than done, but we have to try!

    Stay strong!

  2. =)

    Dear Anonymous,

    Thank you so much for your comment. That is exactly how I feel - that some days, I really can make the choice to be happy, even if it is a struggle. Sometimes 'masking' that I am so unhappy really tires me out, and the next day it feels like depression HAS won. But I will try, and it's a relief to know I'm not alone in this.

    I'm also sad to know that other people feel as I do. It's such a horrible, despairing feeling, and unless a person has felt it themselves, it's hard to explain how much mental damage this sort of thing can do to you. Anyway, thanks again for your comment. That alone has completely lifted my mood and brightened my day!



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