Tuesday, 25 September 2012
The Sad Truth
I can't sleep. I feel so upset that I just want to close my eyes and rest so that tomorrow will be here, but I can't sleep. The more I am aware, the more I'm just lying here, thinking about what it upsetting me - and the more I can't sleep. It's a vicious cycle that has robbed me of good sleep for the last few days, now.
I feel wrong. I feel like I'm not wired properly or something, like there's a part I'm missing that most people have, simple things like being able to go out, and have fun and not worrying about what other people think, and simply living life day by day without constantly thinking about killing yourself. Thinking back, I'm not even really sure I have ever been 'right', even when I was younger. I didn't think about it then, I was happier and carefree. But I have always been different. The fear that I will always be an outsider is a big part of why suicide haunts me.
What's so stupid is that I know I will never do it; commit suicide. I am scared of disappointing my Mum and I'm also scared that it will be painful. But what worries me is killing myself by impulse, or by mistake.
I am cutting myself again, even though I promised my therapist I wouldn't. My promises don't mean much now anyway - there was a time when a promise made by me was law. I am disappointed in myself for being weak, and distressed that by being weak I am disappointing people who are trying to help me, like my Mum. I don't think she knows what to do, any more. Maybe she doesn't care. She loves me, but I am never happy nowadays and I guess I don't really know how a Mum of six is supposed to deal with one clinically depressed daughter either.
Because I have been self-harming and I have been so upset, tension makes my body ache, and my cuts hurt whenever I sit, lie down, stretch, so on. I'm glad to feel them, because it distracts me from destructive thoughts, and in that brief moment my mind is blissfully blank.
I don't know how to stop myself thinking. I have asked countless people for help; my friends, my family, and mental health specialists. I feel like they have abandoned me, even when they are around, because they don't know how to deal with me.
The sad truth is that I don't know how to deal with myself.
I desperately need to find a constructive way to distract myself from my thoughts of unhappy or embarrassing situations; thoughts of whether or not I have made the right course change; thoughts of how much I hate myself and everything that I am, my face and my name; thoughts of suicide and sudden panic-attacks - without cutting. As long as I live, I must find the answer. If I don't, then that is of no consequence, because I will obviously be dead.