I am writing this primarily for me, this blog being the only virtual diary I've got.
Marlise Karlin, when responding to a question on what the Simplicity Of Stillness actually was, defined it as trying to 'label' and 'A-B-C' things that cannot be labelled, the intangible, trying to give a form to the formless. In truth, that is what I am trying to do in this blog post. In that sense, it seems not purposeful and futile, but I am doing it anyway.
(I love this picture. So intense, I feel like she is looking into my soul)-
I went to the Mind Body and Spirit festival today (-slash-yesterday, Friday). I've never been before and it was really, really wonderful. I began to day with Marlise Karlin's 'Embrace Your Mastery' workshop. I don't think I have ever been to a spiritual workshop before, besides taking a Reiki course a very long time ago. I was not at all prepared for the impact it had on me.
The lecture began with some very nice introductions to her work by a Festival Guy :) and a lady called Robin, and this lovely video that I wish I could watch again. The words 'Simplicity Of Stillness' made me think of Abraham Hicks, and also Ester and Jerry Hicks, and their teachings that your vibration raises to its natural positive place in idleness. I am sure the same goes for stillness. Just what it made me think of.
In the first stillness session, which I think was about five minutes, I saw myself diving into a sea that was so, so blue, such a deep indigo that I knew it was unimaginably deep. Ironically, I can't swim in real life - a gentleman who gave his opinion afterwards also commented on his fear because he couldn't swim - but I felt no panic, only peace. I raised to the surface of the water and looked up to see the sky, which was a completely different shade of blue, so light and (well, for want of a better word) airy. And loads of white clouds, each one curled and distinct, but mostly similar. I have seen beautiful patterns of clouds in waking life, the most wonderful being this looong stretch of cloud that I called Sky Road, which I saw driving back from college with my Mum a long time ago. But I couldn't imagine Sky Road here. The clouds stayed separate, simple in shape, drifting with ease, rounded at the (ha, non-tangible) edges.
I dove (correct verb? I suppose it doesn't matter) back into the sea and went as deep as I dared. Actually, as deep as I wanted to, as deep as was possible, where there was darkness and the earth's greatest peace and silence. Back in the workshop, I heard the music coming to an end and opened my eyes before I was instructed.
I was rooted to my chair. My hands were resting on my legs, just up from my knees, and they felt like lead. I felt as if I couldn't move them, and the fear made me go completely still because if I consciously tried to move them and found I couldn't, I would panic. My whole body felt heavy, anchored, and cloaked in something thick, in some ways oppressive. I thought to myself quickly, 'It's the tiredness. This is what happens when I get one chance to rest my eyes...'
But it was not tiredness, because my mind was alert and tears were stinging my eyes. I was bewildered and kind of scared, confused, but still and silent. Then Marlise Karlin smiled at us, asked us how we felt and spoke about how some of us may be feeling. Not word-for-word, but as accurate as I can get it: "Some of you will have stumbled upon something so profound, that it makes you want to weep."
Then the tears came for real. They kept running down my face and wouldn't stop. I would have felt stupid if I hadn't already felt completely lost as to why this was happening to me in public. I sat really still and hoped no-one would notice. I did have to blow my nose at some point so I managed to wipe away a few tears while I was at it.
During the next part of the workshop, I felt so apprehensive about what I was feeling that I began to dread the next stillness session, which Marlise said would be about eighteen minutes. I thought, 'If I start crying after five minutes, then... ? What next?'
We were then asked to write down something that we thought was preventing us from embracing Mastery. I wrote down 'self-hate'.
I immediately wished I hadn't because we were then paired up to talk about it. I was paired with a lovely lady called Oksana. I had trouble getting words out of my mouth without my voice cracking so she kindly offered to go first. I won't write what she told me because that's personal, but I will write what I told her, which was that
Okay nevermind. I can't right now. I was speaking from the heart at the time and the words don't come so easily now, while I'm 'sober'.
The next stillness session, I tried to relax into the sound of the music. The breathing exercise really helped because I could focus on the breath - later, I realised that although I still continued the pattern, I drifted somewhere else and didn't focus on that so much - but I still felt closed up around the chest area, which may have been fear. Then, unexpectedly, Marlise pressed the tips of her fingers to my chest and that oppression drained away. I felt much calmer. Afterwards, some people remarked that they'd been touched on the head, but I was wearing a hat - ironically, then meant that the fingers touched the place where it felt the core problem was. Good thing I wore a hat. Spirit sure works in funny ways!
I opened my eyes without them stinging this time. I decided to share my experience at the last minute - Oksana encouraged me to earlier but I was too unsettled and scared. I'm not quite sure why, actually. Maybe I hoped that others in the room had had a similar experience. one lady as said she'd felt quite emotional, but I suppose I had already felt that during the first stillness session.
After that, I knew I had to get the book, so after the workshop I went straight down and got it, The Power Of Peace In You. I'm so glad I got to speak to Marlise again to thank her. I can't imagine how many people have been touched by her presence. I have listened to many spiritual teachings, and all are so inspiring. There are a number of ways I could have received or experienced what I did today, but it happened in that workshop, and I believe that means that at this moment in my life, Marlise's teachings are the ones I am meant to follow. And so I will, until Spirit puts up another Where To Next signpost.
I will come back to the festival, but just a quick note on what happened when I got home. I think it's important.
I felt fine when I got home, not even tired, just very elated and blissful. I thought about how many nice people I met today, and what a nice time I had even though I was on my own. My Mum came back home, and she'd been on my mind a lot today because I thought about how annoyed I'd been with her before I left. Her little habits didn't feel as bad as they did this morning, but it grew increasingly frustrating throughout the evening. It's not her fault. The problem is with me. I'm just having trouble figuring out how I need to change to feel less annoyed with her. Maybe I don't listen enough, or maybe I respond badly to what she says. I don't know.
By the time it got to about seven/eight o'clock, I'd hit rock bottom. It was unforeseen, horrible.
I received a phone call from somebody from the festival that I'd won a prize draw, but I would have had to be there to collect it, and I'd left earlier than I planned because at the time, I began to feel tired. I actually felt less tired when I got out into the cold, but thats besides the point. I had already decided that one day of the festival was enough, (plus, I'm a student - I try to tell myself that I am abundant in prosperity, but sometimes it is very hard, and I don't think I could afford another day even though it would be worth it.) even more so because I planned to go to MCM Comic Con tomorrow (technically today) and I planned to keep Sunday free because of what I need to get done before work on Monday. SO THE GENERAL POINT IS, after I got that phone call, my Mum encouraged me to go back and get it, and the thought of having to explain the one million and one reasons why that was unlikely to happen, and her enthusiasm mismatched with my dejectedness, I guess made me feel wrong, out of place, misaligned, not just with her but with everything.
I thought about how stupid I was for entering the draw when I should've considered that I probably wouldn't stay. (Completely randomly,) I thought about a joke I made last weekend that now seemed embarrassing and dumb. I thought about how much I hated myself. I thought about all the things I needed to do before bed that was now robbed from me because I now felt so exhausted. I thought about tomorrow, another hectic day. I wished I was dead. I thought about how much I hated my Mum. How infuriating, embarrassing, inconsiderate, and self-absorbed she was. I thought about how self-righteous she was. I thought about how impossible it was for her to see the other person's point of view, despite that she complained about it so much herself - hence a hypocrite also. I thought about what a horrible person I was for hating my Mum so much when I also loved her more than anybody in the world and she is my best friend but also my worst enemy.
I thought about how now was the perfect time to watch a funny movie and get into a Stillness Session, but the thought made my brain scream. I just got into bed and I cried myself to sleep.
I woke up four hours later at about midnight feeling amaaaazing. So blissful, so peaceful, so aligned, so in tune, so radiant, and whatever else. I actually woke up smiling before I realised how I was feeling. I felt like I couldn't ever feel bad, and just could NOT believe how low I had been before I went to sleep. I have been very temperamental over the last few weeks, my mood swinging up and down and all over the place, but never from rock bottom to radiance overnight. Literally, overnight. I felt warm and comfortable and safe. I felt so happy, lying there in the dark, not necessarily thinking about today, just thinking about how happy I was. It didn't make much sense.
I was suspicious that someone had sent me a blessing from far away while I was sleeping. I couldn't see what else had made such a radical shift - but then, I have the Hand Of Maitreya card, I had a healing session today with The Healing Trust, I did two stillness sessions in the workshop, I was surrounded by a higher vibration of energy than normal from all the people at the festival today, bringing their guidance and experiences and charmed wares (I saw the prettiest crystals! I didn't get any because I was actually hoping for something Ba Gua related), so perhaps there was an energy realignment while I slept...?
But does it really matter? No. It never does when you feel good. Just like how all of the positive things don't matter when I feel low. In the moment, the details don't matter, just the feeling.
I'm going to do another stillness session before I sleep today. I am really eager to. Almost as if there
is something waiting for me.
Sooo, the festival.
Funny, after talking so much about the workshop, the festival seems less important in comparison but of course it was great too. There were so many stalls that I did not expect! There were raw food stalls, spiritual book stands, incense, essential oils, healing tools, healing companies, supplements, Shiatsu, Qi Gong, pretty handmade clothes, body butters and creams, crystals, crystal jewellery, aloe vera products, and so much more. I heard someone on the Free Stage playing or singing Ad Guray Nameh, which made me a bit excited like 'Oh, I know that song!'. The notes went right through my bones and I found myself grinning.
But what I remember most clearly was the place that sold Tibetan singing bowls. They were lovely. The lady at the stall showed me one with water in it - the water ripples in unique patterns and then began leaping up out of the bowl. It was so very cool. I am tempted to try it with Mum's smaller one that me and my sister got her from Covent Garden. I asked about the biggest one they had, she the lady played one for me that emitted with wonderful, deep tone that even my my hands vibrate. When I put my ear to the bowl, the tone was so intense and pure, and deep - just stunning, actually. I thought my ear would vibrate off my head. It could put me in a trance.
Then, and this was the best bit - she played a Chama bowl, which had been moulded in a slightly different way to the others. It gave off a sound so loud that my mouth was open. It wasn't even the biggest bowl but the sound was so powerful, I was awed and stunned... and shocked. Nearby, another customer was being shown the Chama bowl, so the two of them played together and lit up the whole surrounding area with a glowing sound, people actually looked over. They only sounded about a semitone apart so by my reasoning, they should've clashed and sounded horrible, but they blended together as if the sound came from one, very very big bowl. Not even a big bell sounds like a singing bowl. I could've stood there for ages.
I'm about done. I can't believe how much I wrote. I intend to craft a bit more of this story I'm writing and listen to the CD in Marlise's book in the next hour, then get some more sleep before tomorrow. If it doesn't go quite to plan, no matter. Not worth the worry, right? Whatever will be, will be. On Sunday, I can see if Marlise has any more workshops or when the next webinar is on her website, hopefully.
Just got up to shut my window and noticed there is a full moon.
It's a good sign.
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