It Really Was A Miracle

This past week has been a radical change for me. I've gone from being completely depressed and without aspiration, to being utterly and blissful happy and positive for the future.

As many people knew, I was very down in the last few weeks. Those who did know were mainly family - I was so withdrawn that I fell out of contact with a lot of friends, and only now am I beginning to get back in touch with them. The reason for my unhappiness was difficult to explain to those who asked why I looked to sad all the time. Generally I would just tell them that I was just having a stressful time at work, but it was more than that; between work and home, I was miserable. I found escape nowhere. I was worried about the university degree I'm starting in September, worried about these endless books that I've begun and haven't completed, about the new work location I'd moved to and how uncomfortable and exasperated the staff made me feel, what my future would be like and whether it would feel like this. I felt insecure about my looks. I knew that to wallow in that negativity all the time was seriously bad for my health, but didn't know how to turn it around, as I mentioned in my last depressing post.

BUT.

I made a decision about my job that, after all my tears, has lifted a great weight off my shoulders. My eldest brother (lets call him 'Jules'), my sister (lets call her 'Aime') and Annie have helped me through it and talked to me quite a lot about it... in this post I'm literally just going to lay it out and ascertain that I did the right thing.

Sunday before last, I was a bit of an emotional wreck about work. (I had changed locations, so let's call the first job I had Old Job and the place I moved to, where I felt quite on edge and uneasy, New Job.) I was struggling to get on with the staff. Some things take time to get used to, but this was really getting me down. I felt as if I wasn't doing as well at New Job. I already know that little things bother me easily, and it's one of the greatest challenges that I have to overcome when it comes to me, but on that Sunday (the 19th), I really felt as if I'd reached my limit. In my opinion, crying over work is absolutely not worth it, because nothing should make anyone feel that upset - if that's the case, somebody needs to change job. But I was in tears. I felt pointless for being that sad, but at the same time I didn't want to move yet because I didn't want to feel like I was running away from my problems; I'd only been there for three weeks.

Jules saw that I'd been upset and spoke to me for a little while (for the record, this hasn't happened in a very long while, I don't see him that much) and offered me a suggestion that completely terrified me, although I knew it was a sure-fire way to address the problem. The next day when I was leaving for work, he spoke to me again and gave me the courage I needed. I managed to talk to some people and for the time being, I'm moving back to my old location, which was much simpler than I ever could've imaginedas a colleague had recently left, which was unexpected and quite sad, as I spoke with her quite a bit. It's a solution that I was very much hoping for, and I should have felt happy. But even after that, I still felt down.

On the phone to Aime, she told me (with her mouth full of Beef Casserole) "I don't understand what the problem is. You got what you wanted, you should be happy!"

I agreed. I should be. My mother very HELPFULLY (that's sarcasm) made a point about problems in life coming back around when you run away instead of tackle them. I'd already had the thought that maybe I'd run out on a problem instead of addressing it, so I resented her for being that injection of doubt when I was trying to be happy. But at the same time, I wasn't 'running out' on the problem strictly speaking, but taking holding of an opportunity at Old Job that I was a afraid I wouldn't get again. I wanted to stay with my old team.

Then, of Wednesday evening (the same day I'd been speaking to Aime on the phone,) I listened to 'The Miracle Of Self-Discipline', by Brian Tracy.

Basically... I felt as if I'd been retaught all the things I had known and forgotten at some point, only I was being reminded of them at a time when I really, really needed it. That in itself completely changed my mood. Everybody in my family who's heard this has been motivated in their life, and I felt exactly the same. It was like a light in a dark room.

More than anything, though, it was a wake-up call. I don't want to spend the rest of my life being miserable. The Miracle Of Self Discipline addressed issues I was having to do with my psychical, mental and emotional health, as well as giving me the correct tips to straighten out my life such as Goal Setting and Time Management. It's been about five days now that I've been working through the Nine Disciplines, and by doing that I feel healthier, happier, and very much as if I'm facing several of my problems at once. Suddenly, all the things I want to do in my life are possible again.

At the same time, I've been reading 'Discovering Atlantis' by Diana Cooper and Shaaron Hutton and it's reminded me to be so grateful for everything I have and that I am so blessed to have so many people that care about me and support me. Thinking in this way fills me with a lotta love. :) 

Now, thinking back on my dilemma, I am happy and comfortable with the decision I made. I AM going to make it work, but just like Aime said, "When you think about it, if a manager had to let you go, they would just do it. And you wouldn't have a choice. So if you need to leave somewhere to be happier somewhere else then just leave." Now back at Old Job today, I felt so HAPPY that I could've been a little bubble of joy about to burst. It's been so long since I felt like that. I feel as if my self-esteem has boosted, AND So much of my life has fallen back into order, which is, y'know... great. :)

 

Peace, Love.

Star xx

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Neef Fresh (Beauty)

Neef Fresh - as of sometime two years ago - my favourite beauty and fashion photographer. The combination of angle, style and posture in a lot of her work is so delicately put together and I adore it. I am a curious but essentially simple creature; bright colours catch my attention and make me happy, haha.

Neef Fresh on ModelMayhem.com

Neef Fresh on Tumblr

Neef Fresh on Facebook

Not gonna lie; this reminds me of Nicki Minaj. I love the contrasts of candyfloss pink, sandy blonde, peach and gold in this shot. It's a nice colour scheme. The model makes me think of a doll.


(I know this is really subtle but I pick up on shit like this -) I have a little thing about the colours pink, purple and blue being used together in any scenario. Look at her tiny earring, her bold eyeshadow and then her lips. ....see? Pretty, huh? That's why I like this picture. Tiny bursts of colour on what's otherwise a nice, neutral image.

 This is one of my FAVOURITES. The headband! The shades! The ring! The nails! They go together perfectly. I couldn't explain it any more. Sophistication is the first thing that comes to mind when I see this, but the headband throws the whole thing off and makes it edgy; that's why I love this one. (Also, the background made me think that this was taken outside against a hedge or summin'. I only realised that it was actually green leopard print literally right now.)

Modelled by the same girl as above. This is another of my favourites. I adore pink, and there's so damn much of it. Contrasts vividly with the lime green background, which I like. Everything jumps out at you; the darkness of her eyeshadow, the brightness of her lipstick. Plus the tiny leopard patterning on her glasses is cute. :')

 ... I do believe its the same girl AGAIN =D This one I don't actually like that much , and yet I included it in this post, dunno why... the huge thick chain (unlike the first picture,) seems hefty and awkward; not a fan of quiff-like hair; the ring... well, what's there to say? It's HUGE; and the glasses look like the protective goggles I used to wear in my secondary school science labs. However. The glasses have a futuristic feel that kinda works. The purple pearlescent earring is just gorgeous - and in my favourite colour. The ring is a perfect shade of pink, and I don't know what's going on with that yellow lipstick but the blue nails are amazinn. The bit I like best through is the blue, yellow and pink eyeshadow that matches her ring, nails and lipstick. It's so subtle that at first, I thought it was actually a reflection in her glasses.

Glasses; Hair; Lips; 'Pow'. That's all I think when I see this. Catchy. Sharp. Nicee.


 Hello? What's with all these choker chains going on?! Is this a trend? Oh. Maybe its just that my favourite of Neef's work include chains. (Let's just hope it not my subconscious trying to tell me something. LOL. Anyway.) Like Purple-Eyeshadow-Girl, when I see this I see bursts of colour on a canvas. The pink and blue - (what would you even call that? Too light for Smoky Blue, too pale for Turquoise or Cobalt... lets call it Baby Blue then -) the fuchsia and baby blue paired together are so nice to look at. The black background makes everything stand out - however it also camouflages the hair, but I don't mind that so much - like I said, I don't really like quiffs. And wow... her eyelashes.

I don't think I can really say much on this one. It's just too incredible. The scarlet is bold and the upraised chin gives a sense of pride. It's a strong image.


The black and white makes this picture feel earthy. The headband and feather earrings somehow give a tribal look; that's why I like this one.
 

Going to sleep now, before my brain explodes. Peace.
Star xx
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Born To Die

Please excuse me. I'm just posting some random shit to push my last post down the page - it's not something I want to be the first thing seen on my blog >=(

This is the mellow tones of Lana Del Rey, who enchanted me with Video Games and haunted me all through the Christmas months of 2011 with this song. I used to listen to it on repeat on the train back from work, looking out through the windows at the nighttime London skyline. It was kinda eerie. I can't really explain how it made me feel - I couldn't even say whether the feeling was positive or negative - I guess it feel kind of... sorrowful, but at the same time assured and certain. Kind of confident. Now, I don't what the hell that means, but that's just what came to mind.

Yeah, by the way... I didn't understand the video either.

S.K. x
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Breaking Point

I honestly hope no-one's reading this blog right now.

Whitney Houston passed yesterday. Or was it very early today? God, I don't know. I got the text from my brother today and simply couldn't believe it. It's simply tragic. My brother sent me another text after saying; 'You never know when you're gonna go that's why it's so important to enjoy life, live and be happy. RIP Whitney.' I really do wish I could be happy right now. Just like with Michael Jackson, it's weird to hear about the death of a person who had made such a mark on my childhood; my mother is a singer, and Whitney was one of her most beloved female artists, along with Mariah Carey, The Supremes, Etta James, the very back-in-the-day Rhythm&Blues and Soul singers. Countless, countless times, I've heard Whitney Houston's album blaring so loudly that this isn't a place in the house you can go to escape it, and there's Mama, singing right along with it.

Ironically, after receiving that sombre text this morning my day proceeded to get worse. Even as I'm sitting here, it's dawning on me that all the times I felt pointless, meaningless, unfulfilled and empty these past couple of weeks might not simply be the Mood Of The Day - and I no longer think it's teenage angst either. I don't think I've ever been so unhappy. I'm due to start University to study English and Dance next year and the thought of going turns my stomach. I don't even feel a passion for dance any more. It's something I 'do', not exactly something I 'live for' - and I only do it because it's the only thing that I've stuck with over the years and thus my only talent. I feel like its the only thing I can do - and even then, I don't invest in it at all these days.

I'm supposed to be writing a book. I can only ever get through it in short leaps - every time I see a book or advertisement of The Hunger Games, I feel discouraged. I feel like a fake - and I had my idea before I even knew what T.H.G. was. I've been at my new job for a week, and I'm starting to hate it. I can't take control of my eating habits and the days where I used to motivate myself to actively keep fit are a vague dream. All this shit I'm eating has made my skin terrible and I've gone back to a recurring compulsive habit I have, some fucking ridiculous nervous disorder where I can't stop absent-mindedly clawing at my skin until it bleeds. It's such an old stress habit that I don't even think about it any more, but it must sound awful. And disgusting. I don't know why I haven't got blood poisoning. There's this gnawing pain in my gum that flares up randomly and makes it difficult to concentrate - I'm hoping it's not my wisdom tooth again. I'm biting down on it now - it hurts in the way your nerves throb when you bang the funny bone in your elbow. It's feels weird - and it just hurts. Even my sister says that me being miserable isn't a temporary phase for me any more... it's my character.

This both upset and frustrated me. I can't be happy for everyone - at work, I'm known as cheerful and upbeat, and I manage to keep myself in this frame of mind until I can finally come home and cry. So either my colleagues get the shit end or my family do. I know who is more important. Now that I've changed locations, I find it difficult to maintain that boundless positivity I had before. At first I simply thought that I was just uncomfortable in a new location, but after today, I realised that it wasn't discomfort. It was dislike. For someone like me, who always tries to see the bright side of things, I couldn't help but entertain thoughts of resigning, or maybe being fatally injured so I won't have to.

God. I sound suicidal now. I hope no-one's reading this. I'd better post loads of shit tomorrow to push this post to the bottom.

I feel I needed to address this somewhere... here seemed the best place; I don't really like to offload on other people. Usually I talk to Mama, but she has a few troubles of her own at the moment. Still, I know it's not good to sit with all this on my chest and let it brew. I feel as if I've already reached my limit of how much I can take and I want to do something to change my situation, turn this mess around and shake off this depression that follows me everywhere. I'm sick of trying to please people and I'm sick of 'sorry' being the only word out my mouth these days. It makes me sad to think that my enthusiastic little brother is growing up to think that I'm always like this - he doesn't remember the time when I was just like him, happy and laughing all the time.

From what I've learned, I can't expect answers to fall into my lap, I have to assertively make the adjustments myself, and I know this. When I change my mindset and get rid of these negative thoughts, the energies around me will also change - that's why I've been making an effort to do creative things like paint, draw, even something as mindless as colouring in, to calm my nerves. Although it is effective for a while, eventually I end up feeling like how I do today, and those activities hold no appeal to me. But of course I will continue to try, even though it will be difficult. I don't believe that it's impossible for me to be happy, but I'm starting to feel at a loss as to how I can help myself. I guess I'll keep praying as I do every night, until something comes to me. 

SK.
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Community (Spanish Rap)

Oh my GOD. I found this on F.M.S. (Fashion Music Sport), and I've been eagerly hunting down clips of this TV show called 'Community' since. I wonder where it airs, because I've sure as hell never seen it in the UK. This is the first video I saw - have an urge to learn the words and piss off all my friends. Yay!

Lighten up.
Star xx
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Thoughts for the f*$£@~#!! day.

February Thoughts.

What the HELL is a GRUFFALO?


Something my Mama said to me yesterday really made me think. She said, "It seems as if the only way to get what you want is to be horrible to people, in this world." It's kinda true. I can see it changing me, because I struggle so hard to be a perfectionist and please everybody, that either I mess up at some point and leave somebody disappointed, or I sacrifice my own sanity. I'm the sort of person who will think about something for hours, maybe even days on end; I'll even stop me from sleeping. I used be be a terrible worrier at Secondary School, but I'd thought it was something I'd finally gotten over - so where the fuck is all this coming from? Things are getting to me ten times more than they used to. I'm going crazy. I'm so unhappy that I KNOW, if I don't write in my blog and keep my mind occupied, I will fucking lose my mind.


I don't think 'disappointing' is even the word to describe Chris Brown any more.


So, it seems as if my brand new, £10 suede shoes can't even keep out water from the snow on my second day of wearing them. I need to stop shopping at Shoe Zone - even Primark is better than that.


In an attempt to distract myself from my own misery, I've been compulsively playing The Legend Of Zelda: Skyward Sword on the Nintendo Wii from last week. I love it to bits; I've been progressing quite rapidly through it. One thing I particularly love is the music, it's been composed so well for each setting that I found myself on Youtube looking for it... my favourites are Earth Temple, Faron Woods, Ballad Of The Goddess and Romance In The Air.


IT SNOWED ON SATURDAY NIGHT ! Yesssssssssssss been waiting for this dang snow to fall just about FOREVER.


So, all the snow was ice by today. A lot of London pedestrians, including myself, were walking in the road just for safety, despite the cars passing right beside us by an inch. It's disgraceful, ridiculous and embarrassing that the Government or whoever still can't get this sorted. The travel disruptions on public transport and airlines were as bad as it always is around this time in the year.


I've had just about enough of rude customers.


You know those days where you absolutely can't stand to wallow in your misery, so you either engrose yourself in a computer game or listen to rock music to drown out the sounds of your own thoughts? Yeah, well, besides playing Zelda - Paramore, Nickelback and Linkin Park found themselves back on my iPod last week too.


'We could beat a starving world with what we throw away,
But all we serve are empty words that always taste the same.'
-- When We Stand Together ; Nickelback.
From their album Here And Now, my favourite album ever right now.


Student Finance England sent me a text reminding me to apply for my Student Loan not so long ago. What just really sad is the fact that I'm gonna start life in debt as soon as I get out of Uni. Shit.


'You're not you when you're hungry.' is the Snickers motto. Only, I AM me when I'm hungry, because I'm always effing hungry.


The Architect Of mzdarkstarliterature

Star xx

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