Meditative Reflective Depression

Did I become so deeply depressed upon realisation that I cannot be saved? I am only a little person, a human being, an insignificant among thousands of disgraceful, disgusting and evil others. I am pathetic; I cannot help become uselessly upset when the slightest harsh word is said to me. I cry over my own uselessness and lack the courage to die, where I might be happy.

I am so pitifully naive that I have probably unconsciously turned a blind eye to every time somebody has teased me, been racist towards me, spoke lies to my face that I simply accepted as truth, because it is so hard for me to imagine that people can be so cruel. But when it is staring me in the face, I unravel. I cut, and bleed.

I look at the picture above to transport me.

It would be so nice, just for a moment, to escape there, and not worry about money, my constant studying for bullshit educational purposes, friends, family, my purpose in life, my mortality, and my shortcomings as a human being. It would be so nice.



Star xx
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Sylvia Plath - Sheep In Fog

The hills step off into whiteness
People or stars
Regard me sadly, I disappoint them

The train leaves a line of breath
O slow
Horse the colour of rust

Hooves, dolorous bells -
All morning the
Morning has been blackening.

A flower left out.
My bones hold a stillness, the far
Fields melt my heart.

They threaten
To let me through to a heaven
Starless and fatherless, a dark water.


By my favourite poet, the talented Sylvia Plath.


University is clearly not for me. I will endure, because I will be in a better position when I come out than I was when I went in. But all of that is presuming I will still be alive and breathing when I come out.

I'm trying to write again. A friend, Carmela, inspired me to do it. We'll see how it goes. I may even post something on this blog... for once.



Star xx
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I Keep All Of Your Kisses

iii.
i keep all of your kisses
on the back of my tongue.
to taste you slightly,
when hunger strikes;
softly 

iv.
you say,
let's sleep naked tonight -
just to see what happens.

-- cont. by Sarah, from the blog Bears For Hugs (bearsforhugs.blogspot.com)

... I have no idea why, (seeing as I cannot relate to this poem at all,) but this really moved me. It's as if it's trying to jog up a memory I do not have. It's quite likely that it's reminding me of something I wrote, once...



... I wish I could remember what it was.

  

Love,

Star xx
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