Sylvia Plath - A Birthday Present

I love this poem.

*Ahem* By my favourite poet, Sylvia Plath.

Image; zastavki.com

What is this, behind this veil, is it ugly, is it beautiful?
It is shimmering, has it breasts, has it edges?

I am sure it is unique, I am sure it is what I want.
When I am quiet at my cooking I feel it looking, I feel it thinking

'Is this the one I am too appear for,
Is this the elect one, the one with black eye-pits and a scar?

Measuring the flour, cutting off the surplus,
Adhering to rules, to rules, to rules.

Is this the one for the annunciation?
My god, what a laugh!'

But it shimmers, it does not stop, and I think it wants me.
I would not mind if it were bones, or a pearl button.

I do not want much of a present, anyway, this year.
After all I am alive only by accident.

I would have killed myself gladly that time any possible way.
Now there are these veils, shimmering like curtains,

The diaphanous satins of a January window
White as babies' bedding and glittering with dead breath. O ivory!

It must be a tusk there, a ghost column.
Can you not see I do not mind what it is.

Can you not give it to me?
Do not be ashamed--I do not mind if it is small.

Do not be mean, I am ready for enormity.
Let us sit down to it, one on either side, admiring the gleam,

The glaze, the mirrory variety of it.
Let us eat our last supper at it, like a hospital plate.

I know why you will not give it to me,
You are terrified

The world will go up in a shriek, and your head with it,
Bossed, brazen, an antique shield,

A marvel to your great-grandchildren.
Do not be afraid, it is not so.

I will only take it and go aside quietly.
You will not even hear me opening it, no paper crackle,

No falling ribbons, no scream at the end.
I do not think you credit me with this discretion.

If you only knew how the veils were killing my days.
To you they are only transparencies, clear air.

But my god, the clouds are like cotton.
Armies of them. They are carbon monoxide.

Sweetly, sweetly I breathe in,
Filling my veins with invisibles, with the million

Probable motes that tick the years off my life.
You are silver-suited for the occasion. O adding machine-----

Is it impossible for you to let something go and have it go whole?
Must you stamp each piece purple,

Must you kill what you can?
There is one thing I want today, and only you can give it to me.

It stands at my window, big as the sky.
It breathes from my sheets, the cold dead center

Where split lives congeal and stiffen to history.
Let it not come by the mail, finger by finger.

Let it not come by word of mouth, I should be sixty
By the time the whole of it was delivered, and to numb to use it.

Only let down the veil, the veil, the veil.
If it were death

I would admire the deep gravity of it, its timeless eyes.
I would know you were serious.

There would be a nobility then, there would be a birthday.
And the knife not carve, but enter

Pure and clean as the cry of a baby,
And the universe slide from my side.

The Best Of Bob Proctor

I want to print this off as a huge poster and stick it up in my room!! Tuning my life to more of the below will surely bring good things. (Or at least better than I'm getting right now.)

This image is from Mind Valley Academy.

Click the link for the full size of this image (and read the quotes properly).

Star xx

Dance Addictions

I've watched all of these videos dozens and dozens of times. They just lift my soullll. c:


Dance Addiction #1.
Style: Contemp/modern & ballet.

The music video to Chandelier by Sia. Maddie Ziegler (who I didn't know of before this video) dances amazingly and really made me nostalgic for my old dance classes. I never thought I'd feel that way again, but... *shrug* life's a bitch.




Dance Addiction #1.
Style: Hip-hop

Found this first on facebook aaaages ago. The choreography is so simple but made powerful by complete synchronisation and loads of energy. And gotta be honest, those girls are just adorable. Double ++ for the kawaii factor.




Dance Addiction #1.
Style: Breakin' and Tricking

When I first found this, I couldn't stop watching it. This is one of those videos that makes you want to tell everyone and then take dance classes. They pull off some phenomenal tricks and also they really look like they're just having fun as well. Love this to pieces.





Star xx

Watchin This All Day.

devopsreactions.tumblr.com. Yeah.


Star xx

Verb: defenestration

Image: examiner.com

1. a throwing of a person or thing out of a window
2. a usually swift dismissal or expulsion (as from a political party or office)

... this word really sounds a lot worse that it's meaning would warrant.


Star xx

Mackenzi Emory - Gymnast, Dancer, Tricker, Martial Artist, Athlete, and Aged 17.

Kudos to thee, Mackensi. You got mad skills.

Source: twinjabookreviews.blogspot.fr

Star xx
P.S. Interestingly enough, I was thinking about my career choices earlier this week.

This Blog Is Back In Business!

AHHHHH!! It's sooo nice to actually get up at 8am, while the day is young, fresh and bright.

I am finally back.

It's been a while, huh? At first it was really hard not to post, and I was really itching to. But after a while it was easy to forget about the blog, especially when I had stuff on my mind, which I anticipated I would!

Now the suspension on this blog is finally lifted, I'm going to renew my efforts to post on this blog at least once a week. Stay tuned for a post about all the posts I wanted to make!

What Happened While I Was Away?

- Well... I was away, as in abroad, on holiday :3
- Had two more ideas for novels that got stuck in my head... trying to keep the ideas alive, but not get distracted by my first novel!
- Been working REALLY, really hard on my author blog. So pleased with both my effort and my progress.
`-- > (I can't believe I set out on that journey in February!! Just can't BELIEVE how that time just soared by!)
- Went to about half a dozen fantasy events and conventions!
- Really wanted to post on this blog... held back the urge in pursuit of greater things! Although I did post about The Fault In Our Stars for Zoe. :)
- Went to Birmingham... quite a lot of times
- Became even more addicted to my music
- Read over 10 books this summer! And I stayed true to the fantasy-only goal. YES
- Had my self-esteem entirely shattered.
- Enjoying the nice stuff I bought on holiday, including a new rucksack, a watch, a bowl, a clock, the list goes on! but I'll talk about THAT on Pink Sov.
- Lots of physical and mental health issues =( I'm trying not to call them 'problems'
- Weird weather in London. =/
- Time flew!


One thing I realised was how much I talk about my struggles on this blog without also addressing coping methods. That's usually because I don't actually HAVE any coping techniques, but I'm going to do some research and try and write about it.

All that's left to do now is be positive. =]



Star xx

The Sims 2 Glitches

Wow, making a post about The Sims 2 glitches in 2014, when The Sims 4 is about to drop! What a funny world this is.

Why is my sim's face glowing blue and black?
Why has my sim's face... disappeared?

etc etc.

I got them to go to the mirror and change their appearance. Her face came up funny - brown eyes instead of blue and whatnot. But when I pressed ok, it went back to normal.

As for sims getting stuck between chairs...

Well, this game is so awesome, i suppose i can excuse a few glitches. 99.9% of the time it runs as smooth as a breeze.

 

Star xx

Eating Out

It is such a gorgeous, GORGEOUS day in London today. The sun has been out for a majority of the day and the sky was very blue with these rolling clouds. And I wanted SO BADLY to get outside but I was glued to my bed because of my - 'crippling' is the only real word for it - cramps. I couldn't stand up without being doubled over. It's rare that I've had that, also rare that Nurofen didn't work. I didn't get to sit with my Grandma, who visited today. I didn't get to help my Mum in the garden. So many missed opportunities. e_e Never mind. I got to catch up on some reading... when I could focus on the words, that is.

I am counting on more beautiful days like this one, days that make me want to sing.

 *

I've been eating out the last couple of months. I got bored of the same things I kept eating at home, yet my appetite had been swinging around and being stupid lately. I'll feel ravenous, then not hungry at all, then hungry for a very particular thing. As a result of this I got to go to some unfamiliar restaurants, but also my skin has gotten considerably worse from all the junk I ate. After The Real Greek last Thursday, I knew I had to stop this. It's getting CRAZY. But still, I thought I'd share some delicious dishes here.

The RIDICULOUSLY skinny fries of GBK

GBK

I shared this outing with Pixie, where she showed me this creepy Russian Sleep Experiment story on instagram and I heard playing in the restaurant the song I am now currently obsessed with - Wraith, by Peace.

I had a Blue Cheese burger because since Pixie had mentioned it I'd really wanted one. It wasn't as nice as other burgers I've had from them or elsewhere.We had the skin-on chips and they were DELICIOUS. Then we had the skinny chips and they were SO.... THIN... it was ridiculous. The rosemary didn't stick to it and instead sifted to the bottom, making those chips taste overpowering. Could'a been better, basically.

Zizzi's

I was with my older sister (let's call her Aime) this time. It would've been my third time dining there. The first time I had an absolutely delicious calzone carne piccante, I always remember it. The second time, a(n almost as) tasty Pizza Rustica. This time I decided to get this new thing called a Spiedini Pollo, basically chicken and veg on a hanging skewer with potatoes and a cheese dip. It was really lovely. Chicken wasn't as seasoned as I usually like, but oh weeeeeells.

Pizza Express

I was here with a friend from work, talking about our future (lol). I hadn't been here in ages. I can't remember if  had a Leggera Pollo ad Astra, Leggera Padana, or a Leggera Pomodoro Pesto. But I know that whatever I had, in terms of taste it was just about nice and not at all filling. It was cold that day and I didn't want a cold desert... or any type of desert actually, so my waietr laughed when I ordered a Bruschetta Con Funghi for desert (basically mushrooms on bread. Lovely).

Wagamamas

By this time, I was VERY HEARTILY sick of both burgers and italian food and pointedly avoided anywhere that did pizzas or pastas, bar thin noodles, chinese style. I ended up going to Wagamama's with Jellybean, but I wasn't sure if the noodles would be the type I liked, so I played it safe and got the same dish I got before, the first time I'd ever been there - yasai katsu curry - only this time I got the chicken version, chicken katsu curry. It was delicious, though the rice wasn't as sticky as I'd thought so it was hard to eat with chopsticks. I did my best, then resorted to a fork.

The awful salt cod. Image from http://maisoncupcake.com

The Real Greek

Again avoiding Italian and burgrs, I asked somewhere that was a cuisine I hadn't tried, and the same friend from work suggested this sweet little place. I was unsure how it worked and it was useful my friend pointed out to me the guide on the menu - about three/four mezes per person. With that guides, I ordered Grilled Halloumi, Salt Cod, Lamb Kefte, with Flat Bread and New Potatoes.

I had a lovely, ice cold ginger beer while we waited... for ages. That day, it just so happened I hadn't eaten since morning and was very hungry, so I couldn't' help noticing the time it took to arrive which I'm sure wasn't imagined. The waitress also took a long time to do anything for us, and it was tricky to get her attention. She did seem busy, but then again, she was a waitress and thus meant to help the patrons, right? It was about three o'clock and it was quite empty.

The flat bread came, and I gratefully munched on that - then everything else came. The lamb was incredible, the potatoes lovely - I ate them together. Then the grilled cheese, I ate like a sandwich with my flatbread and the side salad veg. But the salt cod... urgh, it was disgusting. I rarely say that about food, and I love battered fish... but the casing of the batter was much larger than the pieces of fish, so in between was a lot of this really weird tasting sauce, which gave a sickening taste. I ate what I could and left the rest.

Minus the service, I loved eating here.



As you can probably tell, I've kinda stopping honouring the suspension. I guess a writer just can't be silenced, even by her own restrictions.



Star xx

My New Kawaii :3

This:

Kitty ツ


This:

'-'


and THIS:

awesomeness awesomethings

O_O

Star xx

TOUR - Leeds Castle, Dover, Canterbury and River Thames!

Image from Groupon

Castles, cathedrals and cliffs are among Kent's most celebrated historical sites, and can be explored during a luxury coach trip with Premium Tours. Setting out from Victoria Coach Station, the tour first makes its way to Leeds Castle, arriving before the site opens to the public. Visitors have the courtyards and crenellations to themselves as they explore the Norman castle, which bestrides two islands at the centre of an idyllic lake, and was once home to Henry VIII. The tour visits the chapel, galleries and banqueting hall, and offers opportunities to admire the estate's scenery and wildlife, keeping eyes peeled for black swans.

The coach then takes a scenic route along coastal roads with sweeping views of the white cliffs of Dover, before heading back inland to Canterbury. Participants can round off their tour with free time to explore the Chaucerian city's older areas before heading back to London. Alternatively, visitors can purchase fast-track entrance to the famous cathedral in order to fully explore the destination of one of medieval Europe's major pilgrimages. On returning to the capital, visitors also have the opportunity to purchase a further trip to Greenwich by way of a return catamaran cruise down the Thames.

Yesterday I went on a coach tour out of London... I'd hoped it would be a break and I could clear my mind, maybe work on my business plan. That turned out to be not quite possible as the tour guide (Frank, entertaining guy) did a commentary all throughout the day and I wanted to listen, but the trip in itself turned out to be of much more value than I expected; I got to take a break from all types of work, I got inspiration for my novel, AND I got to go on a boat across the river Thames! =D (Admittedly, I didn't really read the above deal description...at all XD )

Well, first thing's first - I was almost LATE for the tour =/ I forgot that the last time I went to Victoria Coach station, it was later in the morning. This time I was travelling just before the worst bit of the morning rush hour. I had to catch a bus from the train station to the coach station, and made it just in time. Even now, I can't believe that I actually did make it in time! Those things seem to happen


Leeds Castle - This part was so intriguing. I loved looking around inside the Castle. Lady Baillie was such a fascinating person, I feel compelled to learn more about her now I'm back home. It was so peaceful and tranquil out there, I could just sit by that lake for ages. There was lots of green and lots of pretty flowers... and geese. LOTS of geese. And ducks! I got a mocha at Costa to keep me awake, and when I sat at the tables outside there was - well I THINK it was - a peacock out there, just walking around and waddling up to customers. It was somehow cute and surreal, that does doesn't happen in London. Plus the peacock was HUGE! One HUGE bird! And it seemed to be very familiar with people, it would just walk up to them and loiter around. It was pretty funny, pretty awesome too.

Dover Cliffs - I've always loved looking at the Dover Cliffs. Weird to think that yesterday I stood in front of the sea, considering that I'm always in London and never go on holidays. The tour guide said there was a labyrinth underneath the cliffs, which I never even knew! I have to check that out at some point. I'd been to Dover before, a long time ago. It would be nice to go and stay there for a time. But then if I was going to stay at a seaside town, it might as well be Brighton, or even Dorset - they'd probably be more interesting to me.

Canterbury - I never went inside the cathedral, but I'd been before on a school trip as it didn't bother me, even though I scarcely remember the details. We spent about two hours there. I went for a walk while working out a second version to my (or I suppose Isha K's) song Sidekick, an electropop version I guess. I was looking for a park but I stumbled upon this amazing little riverside green with these leaning willow trees that gave a nice shade. I gave Pixie, my Mum and my Dad a quick phone call, then I walked to a different part of the weather while the sun was still glimmering, then I headed back to the coach. I saw these gorgeous shoes in the Deichmann store there but managed to restrain myself.


Boat Ride on the River Thames - I wasn't even expecting this part of the tour! I must have forgotten or misread something. That little surprise just made it better. The coach dropped us off at Greenwich and we stood on the Meridian Line that sets the time for the rest of the world, more sightseeing, then on the boat. The tour guide made a joke about being ready to row a boat, but I caught on a little late because I was already panicking when I remembered that earlier he said there was a toilet on board, so it couldn't be a rowboat. Then I had to admit to myself, even though I'd kind of tried not to, that my fear of immense amount of water - or more specifically having to swim in it should there be an unforeseen natural disaster - was er.... paramount. I can't lie though, I loved being on that boat. I would've loved to be standing on the roof with the wind in my face. Ahh, one day. And as I said before, I'm on my way to the best life ever, right? (Certainly no point in giving up now =P ) We got off at Embankment, and then I went home, exhausted. SHATTERED actually, to be more precise.



I wish I'd been able to make more business plans, or do some university work, but I just wanted to veg out. So I did, and I think I watched at least five episodes of Fringe back to back, and half a dozen more today. It's getting so good, It's hard to tear myself away. I finally managed to do so today, now I'd reached season 4 episode 1 and things are getting testy in terms of plot. At least I can go to sleep [ SPOILER !!! ] knowing that no-one really, in the basic sense of the word, died.



Star xx
P.S. If I remember, I'll upload the image from my phone!

Scared Of The Climb

Scared of getting myself out there and exposing myself, allowing myself to be temporarily vulnerable only so I can learn from it and become a better person. Scared of the climb. Worse, scared of doing nothing, of procrastination - saying things and wishing for things that never come to be. Scared of how ambition will change me. Scared of failing.

But more than that, I am excited to succeed, excited for the life that awaits me when I prevail, excited for the happiness and exhilaration I'll feel when I overcome those challenges and most of all excited to live, to actually live, verb, as  feel like at the moment I am waiting for it to kick in. The more I tell myself I have so much ahead of me, the more I believe it. That's worthy of a sideways animesmiley. =]

Indigo Star xx

Ambitions

For background info, read the SUSPENSION post.

I bought a shitload of magazines the other day - SFX and the SFX Fantasy Special, magazines on Sci-Fi, digital art and drawing instructions, and starting your own business. All in all it cost me about £50.

My Mum's eyes went wide when I told her. She said uncertainly, "That's a lot of money to spend on magazines, Star..." Yeah, I know. I told her that, and I also told her it was an investment. I had been waiting to buy some exciting new books but instead I spent it on things with will widen my knowledge of 'My Field' - which by the way I have firmly decided is the ever-evolving fantasy genre - it will give me new skills, and its going towards my 'business'. I'm not telling her what it is yet and I'm not writing it here either. I am excited, as I suppose one should be, and also nervous, but mainly excited. I need to sit down and make plans, like Brian Tracy said in a video. In my mind are lots and lots of concise plans, just waiting to be scrawled onto paper. Just waiting.

My depression comes and goes, at the moment its a weekly basis. This week was pretty good. Last week and really tough. REALLY tough. The week before that was incredible. The week before that was awful.

I met my friend Miss Lovely in the park this afternoon, the sun was pretty when it shone. I told her my plans and the smaller goals I set in motion to achieve the bigger ones, including increasing my credit card limit. When I was younger, I used to say I'd never get a credit card... to explain what has changed would take more time than I care to give right now... but in a word, investment. In an acronym, OPM. So Miss Lovely laughed and said, "You sound so grown up!" I was taken aback because I realised; I did. That kinda scared me. I didn't wanna grow up. The reason I worked so hard for my dream is because my dream (noun) allows me to dream (verb) and be how I used to be when I was younger. So happy and optimistic. But to get there, I have to grow up to make the plans and get on the right path, and I'll learn and grow and mature as I do so. The irony, right?

Miss Lovely implied on other occasions that I was working hard for a future that wasn't here yet and all of our friend at university were doing nothing remotely close as far as we knew. They said they had no clue what they wanted to do. Some killed time by watching TV or going out drinking. I never liked doing those things anyway, but all could I say in response was - the future is going to come around SOMETIME. Either you can be ready for life changes at 25, or 30, or 35, or you can be completely unprepared as still in a false sense of security. I don't think people ever really expect life to hit them. I think that many people exclude themselves. I can't afford to do that.

Five years from now I'll be 26, which I hate to think about. I can be stuck in a horrible job or be on my way to achieving my dreams, and I'm making my choice now. That's the way I see it. And I want more than anything to be well on my way, and in a better place a year from now than still where I am. And nothing motivates me more than (well, motivational videos,) and also see the people around me who do nothing but procrastinate. And if I can't convince them with my words, then I should be an example and convince with my actions. It would make me really happy to see my family happy and doing what they love to do.

I saw my GP yesterday and my counsellor for the very last time today. I think I'll miss her, she's been so helpful to me. Last week I saw Student Life team member and my course leader. Things are coming together, or should I say falling together - slowly. But things are moving. I feel happier because of that.

I don't think I can say any more right now. Now my intention is to complete more university work, write more of my plan, research more, watch more of Fringe, and write my book. I do feel so much happier. I'm glad I can write that on this blog, there needs to be more of the happier posts.


Oh, and I forgot to say my new power word: Ashanami.


Star xx

Anime Review: K (also called K-Anime or K-Project)

It's been a while since I did a post on anime - my others were Nabari No Ou, which I adored for its structured world of magic and ninjas, though - and I can't believe I'm saying this - I think K anime outdoes Nabari!!!!


Star xx

Psyren 15 has ARRIVED!!!

I totally forgot I'd ordered this, so my immediate response was YYYYEEESS!!

WOOT WOOT! Cannot WAIT.

And I saved?! My happiness transcends words :D

... okay Amazon, I get it. Yeesh, getting a little creepy here! Never had that one before.

Hello,

Your order has left the warehouse.

Hello,

Your order has completed 1% of its journey.

Hello,

Your order has completed 5% of it's journey.

Hello,

You order has...

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the alerts but dang, Your order has been put through your postbox? Really? Come now. No need.

I can't wait to read, though! I'm saving it for one of my Dark Days. It always cheers me up through those. =]

Previously: Psyren 14 :3
Previously: Psyren 13
And even you care that much: ADDICTED TO PSYREN


Star xx

Sorta-Review: The Fault In Our Stars - John Green

I could lie and say I read this book because I wanted to, but I read this book because Zoe begged me to. I did not want to read this book. I was depressed and I wasn't sure I could handle it. Plus it was insanely popular and I have never, nor am I ever inclined to, read a book or watch a film when it's already such an overwhelming rave.

It was a double edged sword, I guess. I didn't want to be influenced, but if it didn't become so popular it never would've caught my eye in the first place.

When I decided to read it a few days ago, I didn't feel any better than when I eventually bought it, over a month ago, but I needed a distraction from my own thoughts and I'd just finished reading another YA book that WASN'T bad so I was in the mood to try another. Additionally, it was half price at the bookstore where I worked and with my staff discount I got it for £3.20. The bargain just made it better, really. :3

I tried to read with an open mind. I choose to read fantasy books as I enjoy them the most, but I'll also read any book that has a remotely engaging premise or will help me improve as a person. This includes self help books, crime, historical fiction, Sci Fi, and of course from my degree, classics, poems, plays, essays, journals and critical texts. With this book, I liked that the narrator was a voice I didn't normally hear in a book - a cancer patient.


So I began reading...

And three pages in, I was bored. Hopelessly bored. I put it down about three times by chapter three (I dunno why all the 3's) because I wasn't compelled to read on. But I did go back to it, more out of duty (I hate not finishing a novel, even if I dislike it - George Orwell's 1984 and Stephen King's 11.22.63 still have their bookmarks in but they're killin me) than intrigue, but slowly intrigue was first and duty second.

The humour jarred against my usual comedy preference, and I didn't feel very much drawn to Hazel as a character, despite her condition. But as the book went on, I grew accustomed to the humour and the bantering between Hazel and Augustus was really entertaining. That was about a third of the way through.

When I got about halfway, it got to the Now I'm Struggling To Put This Down phase, so I managed to finish it in about 3 days, which was a bit of a surprise to me as it's been some time since I got stuck in a good book. I has read Sally Green's Half Bad (no relation... er, I think O_O ) directly before and finished that in just over a day, so I think I'm getting back into the swing of things, still got stuff to read for uni though.

I began to love this book for the moral and social issues it raises; like how effortlessly like everybody else these cancer patients seem to be, except for that one drawback that infringes on their health; like how people are compelled to say something nice simply because of the illness an no necessary but the people was a good person; the cancer perks; people saying 'He/she fought bravely' and Hazel remarks, 'as if there's any other way to fight'; how, when people remark on someone after their passing, it seems everybody experienced a different side of them. There's a lot more things, that's all I can think of right now.


I love the dialect of the teenagers in the book. It's just so accurate! Sometimes it just made me laugh. I like how engrossed they were in video games and literature.

Like I said, I read Half Bad just before. But when I thought about the plot devices and choices, I'd never think 'Why did Nathan do that?' but 'Why did Sally Green make Nathan do that?' That may be because of the way I've been trained to analyse from school, college and now uni. But I think it's because it FELT like the events had being orchestrated, not just because it's a fantasy but because the actual story DEPENDS on the element of uncertainty. Nathan never knows what's going to happen to him so we wait on Sally Green to tell us.

But with The Fault In Our Stars, I can't impress how authentic it feels. The characters themselves and the way they speak, the events, there's a sense of everyday life that felt so lifelike. I felt like Hazel was REAL, as if this book was her factual autobiography, which is such a weird experience.

The bit when they went to Anne Frank's house reminded me of the book 'My Name Is Anne: She Said, Anne Frank' by Jacqueline Van Maarsen, Anne's best friend. I remembered it because even though this fictional book felt real, Jacqueline Van Maarsen's own biography felt like fiction to me when I read it. I loved the book but i didn't know why I couldn't connect with it as non-fiction. I kept forgetting that it was a retelling of actual events. It's just all very bizarre.


Laugh

So pretty much EVERY PERSON I have ever spoken to about this book said they laughed AND cried. As I said at the start, I tried not to think too much about how it SHOULD be making me feel and thought about my own actual response to it. The first time I burst out loud laughing just just before the halfway mark, when Augustus finishes An Imperial Affliction and sends this mortified text in capital letters like, OH GOD YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME WHAT IS HAPPENING or words to that effect, and I just rolled around laughing, because I can think of so many friends who'd send an identical text to me about something, or me to them.

And I know I shouldn't, but I did have the brief thought, 'One down.'


Cry

As for the crying, well I didn't 'cry' as such. The saddest parts of the novel, I couldn't cry. I felt kind of numb, and small, and insignificant. The only bit in the whole book that brought tears to my eyes was when Hazel's mother admits she going to become 'a Patrick', as Hazel kept calling it, and suddenly my eyes were stinging and my throat closed up. But I don't know why that bit in particular made me plummet into a dark hole. Not because of the book, but because of the way I felt because of the thoughts I had because of the themes of Desolation I was thinking about that came out of the book.

After I read it I kind of had to stop and breathe a bit, then then when I continued I was fine. I didn't even cry. I felt confused afterwards because I just couldn't pinpoint that feeling - was I connecting it to my own Mum somehow? God, I don't know. I just can't explain it so all I can do is stop talking about it.


After

I probably shouldn't be saying this on my blog, but afterwards I sat and thought about my depression and wondered why, even with the thought of the suffering of others in my head right now, their pains so much worse than mine, my depression wouldn't go away. And I felt selfish and horrible, even though I can't seem to control it, no matter how hard I try. It just tires me out. I felt miserable.


Agonising

That's the one word I think of when I think of this book.

Everybody in this book experiences some level of agony, but for the cancer patients it's of a different kind. Reading it is incredibly uplifting as it is depressing, and I didn't feel sympathy for Hazel because as a person (sorry, I mean character. See what I mean?) I couldn't connect with ehr. What I did connect with, though, was the ways he thought about things. That's what made me want to keep reading. Being inside her head was pretty wonderful, because she's very clever and sensitive and her moral values are high. Her personality is bleh.


As Literature Acknowledging Literature

I imagined studying this at school. I don't like saying this about books, but this book would actually be great for that because there's so much SYMBOLISM (I swear, just so much it's crazy), so much to learn from it, so much that you can take and analyse and think about. SOOO many lines form this book are quote-worthy, possibly because of all the repetition. 'Okay? Okay.' 'That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.' And so on, and so on. I did wonder why Augustus was described as a 'plot twist' in the blurb and I got my answer - by talking about fiction in the book, it's quietly acknowledged itself as a work of fiction and plays with that. I like that.




I'm not doing okay right now. I am breaking. Blu tack will not put me back together. More cups of tea, for now.


Star xx

SUSPENSION

Notice Of Suspension

This blog is now officially on suspension, from at LEAST

 February 2014 to September 2014.

Fine Print.

Vampire Academy 2014 Movie

RUSH POST.

I'm going to talk to you about an old obsession of mine that had become a faint buzz in the back of my mind - and is now officially dead.

... okay okay, I'm being overdramatic!

I hate saying this, not just because it was my obsession and I used to LOVE the Vampire Academy books - I felt so empty when I'd finished reading - but because I still think they are excellent books. But I cannot deny that the way 'They', and I don't know exactly whom I'm referring to here - decided to turn Vampire Academy from a (in my opinion) highly-serious, high-stakes, surprisingly romantic, high-school vampire concept into a Mean Girls meets Twilight, not only did my heart drop out my butt (lol) but I grew worried that this movie would tarnish the BOOK.

New book cover.

Now I must take some time to explain exactly what I mean by this. It's a delicate matter. Heh XD

[ 1 ]
We ALL understand that since the rise of Twilight, the Film Peoples have been taking every teenage book - oh, by the way, that genre is now called Young Adult, commonly known as YA (you probably know this but JUST SAYIN'!) - and turning that book into The Next Big Thing. Which, don't get me wrong, is pretty cool. Especially for the authors. Personally, I'm bored of this, but my opinions always have been and still are the minority and thus discarded. So er, despite that I find The Hunger Games and Divergent series intriguing, when they're on screen, the most highlighted bits are the things that were done before. Tiresome. So what first worried me what that Vampire Academy would be 'altered' to 'fit in' with what's already popular right now.

[ 2 ]
But on the other hand... like I said, these books are great. They're also very complex with many different things going on. Because of this, there's a part of me that is really glad that Richelle Mead is gonna get the extra attention from this movie. As far as I'm concerned, regardless of how a movie turns out or is received, if they're sold the film rights then they've 'Done It'. Or 'Made It'. I guess. (I've kept using this phrase because I couldn't think of a better one. e_e ) And it's great that her books got this opportunity - not all books do. We know this.

[ 3 ]
I have made the decision, as I do with most film adaptations of books I've read, not to see this film until a long time in the future, if at all. First because I often don't like film adaptations; second because I don't like a lot of films in general, I dislike moviegoing; and thirdly because I don't like being influenced by other opinions while the hype is still quite big. I can't remember how I ended up seeing The Hunger Games, but it was over a year since it had been in the cinemas and I was both glad I saw it and glad I waited. So in other words, everything I write in this post can be waved away as obviously I am only SPECULATING and making ASSUMPTIONS before I have actually seen the movie, and I dunno about you but it's annoying when people do that. So I'm annoying myself right now. A lot.

[ 4 ]
Um... this is going to sound rude but none of the characters cast are how I imagined them. At least in some other film adaptations there's a similarity, but in this case there are huge discrepancies between my crazy brain and the cast! Which is nothing more than an 'Awwwhhh...' type of thing. It's a bit hard for me to get Rose in my head as Glamorous. Really hard. It's obvious that she is a remarkably pretty girl but... seriously. No, srsly. I have to reprogram my brain for every single character in this. Like... an alternate dimension VA.

One thing I must say though, I adore the new covers, MUCH better than the original and somewhat better than the red covers. They're very much in line with the new Hunger Games and Divergent covers that were released after the movies came out, which all have a common dark-colours scheme to them. A lot of YA books seem to do this now, with the dark covers instead of bright, often they're dystopian books as well! I can only say this because I work in a bookshop and otherwise I wouldn't know or care.

I love pretty imagery on books but I have never liked faces, I think I mentioned this before. I hate that. I don't want somebody else to ascribe a face to a character I'm about to make a bond with, I'm not sure why but it really irritates me and can often put me off a book. I love being able to picture characters in my mind. Funnily enough though, I don't mind cartoons or silhouettes. I just can't stand real people. Once in a blue moon, faces can actually pull me towards a book - like Philippa Gregory's The White Princess. I can stare at that cover for ages, it is heavenly.


... anywhoo... =/

I'm still not sure how I feel about a great deal of YA books being so heavily fantasy based. As a huge fantasy fan, it's hard not to tear a YA book apart for not adhering to fantasy principles. (Much simpler when there was just 'teen' =c ) But as I read VA before it was actually classed as YA, I still have a soft spot for it. It's kind of different. I didn't feel that way about the House Of Night series. Ages ago, I said I was gonna re-read the VA series but I couldn't bring myself to. My friends bought me the spin-off series with Sydney as the lead, and as I didn't much like her in the origin series (nowhere NEAR as much as Rose, Rose was my FAVOURITE), I couldn't bring myself to read it.

So to conclude...

I am a terribly fucking annoying person and if I ever read this post again, I'll probably delete it.

Star xx

This is one of my Rush Posts - when they are all posted, you will find my NOTICE OF SUSPENSION.

The Ineffective Valentine's Day

RUSH POST.

I got this awesome picture from Dalanda's blog!

(Like I said before, I went on an investment course, so I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day on Friday until... well, today! Which is stunning, as most years it's smothering. But on that course, we were learning about becoming financially free, so we didn't really have time for that farce.)

I'm going to be honest.

I don't know how the HELL Valentine's Day came about or why we are still celebrating it today. My feelings about it are much like Christmas - the idea is noble, but people make it stink. On the one side, it great that it reminds you to appreciate that special someone once a year. On the other side, People in a Relationship feel Obliged to do Something - like birthdays. And while this is great as a kick in the butt to make sure you are appreciating that person, we all know that this should be more than ONCE A YEAR.

But c'mon guys, you know I'm biased. I don't 'date' (or anything of the sort because the moment things start to go that way I panic - trusting people is hard for me) so it makes no difference at all to me WHAT happens with this holiday. I generally find it sweet when I hear the awesome things that partners did for their other halves, and annoying when people go on about Valentine's in general like it's Christmas. I came across recent blogger posts - Valentines day books, dresses, movies, ideas for the day if you're in a couple or single, basically getting into the spirits of things. Which is not a bad thing. But it's EVERYWHERE. Still not a bad thing... just tiring.

I'm concerned about sounding like a broken record which is why I'm going to post this topic once on my blog, and then I'm never going to do it again. It'll be the Topic That Must not Be Named. Valentine's Day.

After all, society does drive us to believe that we are SUPPOSED to have someone for Valentine's Day, that's we're SUPPOSED to be paired off like Barbies and Kens or albatrosses (I LOVE albatrosses. They're my favourite bird c: ), and that choosing to be single or childless is some sort a moral sin. Bizarre. Oh well. I understand that even continuing to type this post, and then proceeding to post it, I'm suggesting that I somehow care.

Oh well.

I laugh at all the ways retailers encourage excitement in people about all of these moneymaking holidays throughout the year; Christmas, Easter, Black Friday, Valentine's Day. I laughed at feeble Manic Monday attempts, I don't really even know what that is. Anywhoo. I won't be posting about this topic.... pretty much ever again! This post is simply to ponder over it's influence on society and question why we care so much.

Thank God this post is almost over, I'm already getting tired of it.


Wouldn't Valentine's be so much better if it was -

WORLD LOVE DAY...?

Limiting this day to romantic love makes it really crap. Remove that boundary, I think this holiday improves dramatically. I would give flowers and chocolates to EVERYBODY, it would be AWESOME. I laugh embarrassedly now to remember when I made a Valentine's Day card for my MUM. Yeah, I just thought you were supposed to give a card to someone you love! Easy, right? Urgh, facepalm. I only ever see three responses to this holiday, though more could exist;
- Positive (excited people in relationships)
- Negative (bitter people who are single)
- Indifferent (those who don't care either way, regardless of what their status is.)


Look, look, check out this Valentines Day card, I also got this pic off Dalanda XD

Isn't it such an awesome card?

It perfectly sums a child's response to this day. And many adults, actually, at least one's I've spoken to! Check out Nix's blog if you wish to follow her journey. (The post I linked actually gave me the idea for this post.)



Now I've waited all that time talking about this shit, don't mind me if I go to bed.
I do hope everybody who cares had a wonderful Valentine's day, because like I said, the idea is great, and if you had a great day then of course I'm happy for your happiness. I wish people could be happy more. All year round if possible, but there I go a-dreamin'.

I'm very happy to say that I spent the whole day on a course that gave me the tools to start creating my financial freedom. It's the best use of a Valentine's, I think, ever in my life.

Star xx

This is one of my Rush Posts - when they are all posted, you will find my NOTICE OF SUSPENSION.

Shows in London, Spring 2014!

RUSH POST.

As you may know, I'm not the sort of person who goes clubbing or to parties, or the the cinema (I dislike most of the movies showing... pretty much all the time), or bowling (I get really bored by it! Believe it or not!) - yeah, I'm a really sucky 21 year-old. It's funny because in my first year of university, my friends were like, "Oh my goshh, you work sooo hard. You are so dedicated."

And I was like 'Yyyyeahh... my A's and B's do not accurately reflect me playing The Legend Of Zelda days before my unwritten essay was due.'

But honestly, though there are few things that I actually like. I really do love find new places to explore and walking around for ages, especially parks and lakes and LOTS of trees, I love trees - this ALWAYS gives me story inspirations. This is why my Story List is over 100 concepts long. Aside from that, I'm trying to expand my experiences and skills, and I've even considered Roller Discos and Ice Skating, even though the thought makes me wrinkle my nose!

BUT, one thing I really do love is shows. =D

Shows, or otherwise dubbed 'conventions', 'fairs', 'markets', 'exhibitions', I just love them. It's like walking into an exclusive world. I don't even mind if I only like it a little bit - I'm going with my Mum to a knitting show - I just love the idea of being able to find or learn something new there, especially is tickets are very affordable. Saaaay, £6 for two people =D now isn't that awesome?!

I discovered my first 'show' of that sort years ago, at Move It. When I stopped dancing "for good" about 2-3 years ago, I didn't really go to anything, until last year when I decided to go all out and went to MCM, Mind, Body and Spirit, Hyper Japan, National Home Improvement Show (I didn't post about that, I think.), and a few others. So, I've been hunting for shows! I thought this might be interesting for anyone dead bored out of their minds in London.


Shows I'm going to for sure

The Spring Knitting and Stitching Show
WHEN: 13-16 March 2014
WHERE: Olympia London
Website HERE

The Creative Stitches and Hobbycrafts Show
WHEN: 3-5 April 2014
WHERE: ExCel London
Website HERE

I bought both of these for my Mum, and one for me so she wouldn't have to go alone. She really likes this sort of stuff and she runs off the cutest cardigans on her knitting machine. Okay, so the one I saw was for a baby, but whatever man. =P I've wanted to do knitting for quite a while, but being dedicated to reading for uni and for myself, and writing my book and blog posts, I haven't found the time. I'd love to learn a new skill though. Been saying this for a while!


Pondering..
(in chronological order)

I found most of these on Amazon local or Groupon, so if you live in there area, check on there to get great deals! just go there first and type in the deal, or you can prob type it into google and it'll come up.

Who Do You Think You Are? Live
WHEN: Thurs 20th Feb, Fri 21st Feb, Sat 22nd Feb '14
WHERE: Olympia London
Website HERE
As I wanted to write a legacy of my family, I stopped to think when I saw this. The only thing is, I'm not particularly interested in this. I think I'll pass.

Art14 London: London's Global Art Fair
WHEN: 28 February and 1-2 March 2014
WHERE: Kensington Olympia (Hammersmith, basically..)
Website HERE
I generally like innovative art, but because my mind is... er... overactive, creative, crazy and the like, if I can see an image or make a narrative out of it, I like it much better. A black dot on a white canvas... I'm not sure if that really does it for me, though it does make me think about creation, I guess...
My favourite types of art are what I call Immediate Impact art. I also call it Officially WOW images on my Pink Sovereign blog. It's the images that make to inhale sharply on first sight. I love wild, bright colours, fantasy settings, aesthetic pictures. Yeah. That's me.

Ideal Home Show
WHEN: 14th to 30th March 2014 !! =D
WHERE: Earls Court Exhibition Centre
Website HERE

I'd heard of this before but knew little about it. My Mum says it's really popular, which may explain why it runs for half a month!!!! I think it would be great for ideas on improving our home.

London Super Comic Convention 2014
WHEN: Sat 15 and Sun 16 March
WHERE: ExCel London
Website HERE
I booked my ticket the moment I saw it. Even though I was disappointed by MCM, that was my issue and not because MCM was a bad event. I'm hoping that this convention will do it for me... whatever it is I'm actually looking for!

The London Cruise Show
WHEN: Sat 22 and Sun 23 March 2014
WHERE: Olympia
Website HERE
I can't go to this one as I work every weekend, and the last one I have for this tax year is on the Saturday of London Super Comic Con. However I'm badgering my sisters into taking my Mum because I think they'd really enjoy it. Also my mum's not the sort of person who'd whine and moan and not being about to afford it, she'll Oooh and Aaah about the lovely things she's seeing and set it as a goal for the (hopefully near) future, put it on a vision board or something, make it a positive thing. (That's why I love my Mum, to itty bitty pieces! She's my best friend. (Well. One of them. Heh.))


 ('hem' Kensington Olympia, Olympia, and Olympia London are, as I understand, all the same place. (e_e) )




Star xx

This is one of my Rush Posts - when they are all posted, you will find my NOTICE OF SUSPENSION.

Shen Yun 2014 - MUSIC

RUSH POST.

I never get tired of seeing their new yet familiar banner every year!!

I've written about Shen Yun Performing Arts before; first, when I went the first time in 2012, and again in 2013. I simply love the company, from the artistic style to the costumes, to the backdrop to the choreography to the music.

But right now, I just have to talk about that PHENOMENAL music.

I can't explain how much I love it, how much it moves me. Every time I see a trailer or a short clip, the unmistakable sound of merged Chinese and Western classical and folk music. Since Shen yun 2012, I've been trying to get my hands on a CD of the orchestral pieces used in the performance, but I can't seem to buy one anywhere. Not even Amazon!!! Good ol' Amazon!!!

I left a comment on youtube and somebody kindly responded with a link, but it leads to the company site where you can gifts and memorabilia and the like, and the only CD's there at the moment seem to be a DVD of the performance, which of course I can't put on my violet iPod. Booo. Maybe this will change. Hopefully it will. =D





Star xx

This is one of my Rush Posts - when they are all posted, you will find my NOTICE OF SUSPENSION.

3-day Update: Mood and Food

I've been meaning to update but it kept being delayed for various reasons.

Images from kevssnackreviews.blogspot.com and chocologia.blog.hu .

Friday

On Friday, I wasn't doing too great. I feel like I let a friend down and my constant fatigue pulled down my mood so I kind of stayed in bed for most of the day. My Mum came into my room with some craziness like "Star, no matter how you feel, sometimes you've just got to push past that and not let that bother you."

Mental Fury: What do you think I've been doing? Do you think I give in to every slight upsetting thing that enters my head? NO! I am trying! I'm sorry if it got far enough for me to stop functioning but you didn't actually try to think about how I might have been feeling today.

Anyway, I didn't want to go into it.

Despite how that comment made me feel I'm glad I have someone in my life to tell me to knuckle down, sometimes I think it does shake off the misery a bit. Often is doesn't, but sometimes it does. She even made me some food. Ah, I did say I'd post Nix of The Forbearer a picture - sorry it's four days late, Nix!

It's really simple but it was tasty and improve my mood: chicken goujon-things, some sort of chicken lentil curry-thing (as it's Tuesday now, as I'm writing this, I completely forgot what she said), curly fries and frozen vegetables. OOO, and the Teasers for after!

So that cheered me up, and tasted very good. After that I had a bit more strength to pull myself together and get some work done. I'm really grateful to Mama.

MALTESERS TEASERS

I think this is my first blog post involving food as a topic and picture of said topic... oh, except for christmas... okay, maybe I'm wrong, I just can't be bothered to go through my archives.

I remember that easter when the Malteser bunny first appeared. They were sooo popular, and just delicious. Mama bought so many of those, way more than she should, prolly. And then the Teasers cropped up and you could buy those all year round, which was great. They taste kinda like the bunnies but inside the chocolate bunny (I forgot this until recently,) is a huge blob of honeycomb and inside the Teasers are little bubbles of honeycomb.

So, for some reason, since January I've been really craving these teasers bars and find myself buying one now and again. Then the bunnies were back on the shelves, three months early for easter *rolling my eyes* and i thought I get the 4-pack of mini-bunnies, only they're horrible. They chocolate on the outside is so thick compared to the honeycomb on the side and I didn't enjoy it at all.

Then I ended up tasting a bit of an actual bunny (it's was my Mum's and I was starving at the time) and that was delicious! I'd forgot how nice the normal ones tasted.


Oops, so anywhoo, the FREE BAR THING.

They're doing this 1-in-6 chance to win a free bar thing. As I'm more of a savoury person, I love my McCoys crisps and I don't mind some malted mind biscuits, I generally forget to check packets to see if I won anything. It's a habit NOT to check it with me. But this free bar thing, lately I've been winning quite a few! 1 in 6 - my chances of getting a winning one was pretty high anyway.

What was weird about it was - whenever I got a 'Congratulations! Free bar!' wrapper, it was out of a bar that I bought. Whenever I redeemed the free bar coupon in the wrapper, I got a 'Sorry, next time' wrapper. Both times I picked the bar of the shelf. Weird huh...

To date, I've won about 4 free bar wrappers, not including the one I bought for my Mum that she won. I keep forgetting to redeem the last 2 though. Meh, tomorrow.

That's it for the mo. I posted an extract of my book on another blog so I had to bounce, but I'm back now to post this.

Sunday

Oreo ice cream cone..

I've been craving these since I bought it yesterday. The Oreo biscuit on top is soft soft but the cone is so crunchy, and it has than unmistakably Oreo flavour. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaay, I'll be near a Sainsbury's tomorrow! Think Im'ma pick some up!


KIDS

My nieces were over today. I didn't expect them to warm to me very much, I think I already explained about me being awkward with kids, but actually they really wanted to play with me. I was like Wha -?!

The older niece is really loud and boisterous and the younger niece is alot shyier and quieter, so I think they warmed to me because the older one is naturally curious and inquisitive, so she came over to ask me questions about what I was doing (washing up) and my birthmark and looots of others things, and because her younger sister copying ehr in pretty much everything, she came over too. The younger one was too shy to give me a hug last time but she did now :3 I think she's about three.

We played loooads of games. W played, uh.... Mums And Dads *shrug* Apparently I wasn't allowed to be the mum (lol) so I was the 'sister'; we played Copying (copying dance moves), we played Magic Stones, and we played Picnic. Probably the most fun I've had with kids in ages, (hahaha.) When they left, i was DEAD TIRED. I can't imagine what it would be like for there mum to have them all the time! No wonder some parents are always tired!

Image from www.tinseltown.co.uk

Tuesday

I went to see my course leader at university then I went to class and luckily some of my friends decided to come in. I was really happy to see them, it's been a long while. Over six weeks, I think. Then I spent the afternoon with my university friend, (let's call her Miss Lovely.) She really cheered me up today. She said she didn't feel like herself though which made me a bit sad.

Then he eyes went all full of wonder and she talks about Tinseltown, and I was like "Oooo let's go! When shall we go?" and she was like "Today!" and laughed and I was said "Okay!" It happened so quickly that we both paused for a minute for our minds to catch up with the transition from joke into seriousness, so just to clarify I said, "Sure, we can go after class today." And she was like okaaaay and looked really happy. :D

Tinseltown was greeeat. It's a brand new one thats just opened in ym town so it's really nice and cleeean (Lovely said the one in Queensway was 'grotty') and the music that was playing was okay, but it was commercial pop music like what plays on the radio and I was like 'eh'... but at least they didn't play any songs I hated. And although it was loud, as least it wasn't deafening (Lovely said queensway was deafening). We had to serve ourselves, like Nandos and GBK (though she said the one in Queensway, they serve you. That was interesting. I wonder why they made the change?)

I shoulda taken a picture of the food. It look really nice on the white cutlery and was well presented.

As I don't eat pork, I've never had a hot dog, but as the TinselTown hots dog are 100% 'prime' beef, I decided to go for it. At least I got to try something new and it wasn't that far a jump from the beef burger which was what I wanted. Since I bought sainsbury's frozen quarter pounders, I've been craving beef burgers, but that beef hot dog was a perfect substitute =] Even now, just over two hours later, I still feel content, not a bit hungry. The portion was pretty big for seven quid!

And because of my newfound oreo addiction (Mum's fault. She started it (e_e) ) I was SO tempted to try a Oreo shake or even more, the Oreo ice-cream-cake thing. But I'm glad I didn't because I was FULL after my one meal. Pheeee-yew.

The only thing was that was concerning me (apart from the music, towards the end,) was firstly that where me and Lovely sat, but side was the comfy, bright green booth thing but her side was like a chair. I asked if her chair was comfortable and she said 'it's alright'. another thing is the light was really low over the table. I mean yeah I appreciate being able to see what I'm eating but as it wasn't even dark yet, I just thought about how annoying it was that that light was so low after Lovely hit her head twice standing up.

But that's it. It was a good first-time experience, like when I went to Frankie and Benny's for the first time in December and TGI Friday's got the... oh, actually I think it was the second time - in November. It was really nice, and great food, all three times.



What now?

As I went to see my course leader today, I am aware of my options in terms of my course. I am behind, as in, missed a term's worth of work behind, and that does scare me, but I also believe I can catch up, especially as I'm meant to be getting a mentor. Today I'm going to get my blog posts ready for the rest of the week, schedule them, forget about them.

Then I can focus on my investment course coming up this weekend, writing my book, and planning my university work timetable.

If I get a bit of extra time, I may even be able to work on my online stories DVTJ and BGF, because at the moment it's pitifully slow, especially as I've been devotedly focussing on my Fantasy Blog for my other ego. It's taking a lot out of me. I'm lucky to post one chapter a month.

I need to prioritise.

The most important thing right now is me and my health. One I can get that MOSTLY okay, I can figure out where I derailed and get back on track. then I'll be moving again.



Star.