Tuesday, 26 November 2013

How Many Times? How Many Times?

I have been to counselling, I've been to my doctor, I've been to the Health Centre at my university, I've been to see my course leader, over the space of 15 months with a huge gap in between.

I've spoken to a close friend, my Mum, and other friends know tiny details here and there.

I've been recommended to the university Chaplain, to the Student Space Mental Health worker, to a psychotherapist, to my personal tutor. How many more people must I open my heart to? How long does this go on?

I didn't want this to happen. I don't want to be remembered as the one who fell apart. Me me me, the secret nutcase, the one who lives in her head to escape the real world, as Yanamari, as Karalan, as Jean, as Clear, as Kaede - then I return to this shithole-society, as S.K., as Shay, as Ashana Lian, as Isha K, because nothing is ever clear and there is never one of me. I can't cope being just one. It's like some part of me has to compensate for being a Nothing, so it makes multiples. Whatever, man. Whatever. Just give up.

Aren't all of the geniuses of the world basically insane? It would be great if in my mind was a hidden genius, but it seems like I just got the 'crazy' side of things and now I have to make do. I am scared. My siblings and Mama are getting hit by depression too. How do I help them? What do I do?


For now, I'll sing.

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