Wednesday, 25 December 2013

Something happened today at work that really brought me down. I don't want to put the details on my blog, but it made me very very unhappy and my self-esteem feels like zero. It was offensive and really hurt my feelings. However an apology was made. Still though, I kept thinking about it, to the point where I came home feeling very depressed and suicidal. It was hard to stop the tears so I went to bed, but the moment I was asleep I had a nightmare about a friend leading me into a trap where someone tried to kill me, directly after, I had a dream where I was at work and everybody hated me. I will not write these in my dream book.

I am so so grateful that, for once, I decided to confide in my sister, because she gave me some advice and then spend the rest of this evening cheering me up and distracting me and whatnot. At first I couldn't get it out of my mind, and whatever she did my mind kept drifting. But finally, now as I write this, I was able to at least laugh with her and I feel lighter now. This has put me in even better spirits because I was terrified of being still miserable on Christmas day. My Mum would be able to tell and it would ruin it for her. Also I've completely lost my appetite, which is rare, so that might clue her in too. But I think I have the strength to at least fake it now.

I feel very upset still because I feel that it came about from being sluggish and not up to speed lately. It takes me a long to time process what's been said which leads to embarrassing incidents, doing and saying stupid things, being made a fool of by other people. It's really upsetting, because I know I'm not normally like this but I feel stupid and dumb. And worthless. I wish I knew how to get more confidence. I hate to say this, but everything is going wrong. It gets harder to see the bright side of things with each passing day. But I'll just carry on, I guess. Something has to change, eventually.



2 comments:

  1. Oooh I feel so sad to read this, but I can totally understand the situation. I always feel the same when something is said to me that really hurt, or embarresed me. I'm glad to read that your sister wanted to cheer you up, they are the best at it! Confidence is a hard thing to get and restore, losing it is easy.

    But I always say, thing that happen should make you stronger, and the things that have happened make you to the person who you are now. I'm sure that you are a wonderful and kind person that cares very much about your loved ones. I can read it in the way you write. Those people are the most wonderful and the most fragile. Sometimes when a bad situation has happened I want to say 'you can all walk to hell" but I don't have the courage to say that, nor the be straightforward in my words. I'm very insecure to and the lack of confidence is there too, but I think you can be proud of whoever you are. And I'm sure one day, there will be a day that you will be rewarded for it! :D I hope you feel better soon! ^_^

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    Replies
    1. Sorry for the delay. This was a hard post to reply to. =/

      I agree with what you said about confidence. It's one of those strange things - sometimes I can have confidence when I least expect to, but sometimes when I really need it, it deserts me. =(

      Yeah, I also think that my experiences are life lessons, and even though it was difficult, I do feel a bit stronger now I'm on the other side. Thank you so much for your encouragement and guidance. I can't tell you how much that means to a poor ol' soul like me :)

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