Something happened today at work that really brought me down. I don't want to put the details on my blog, but it made me very very unhappy and my self-esteem feels like zero. It was offensive and really hurt my feelings. However an apology was made. Still though, I kept thinking about it, to the point where I came home feeling very depressed and suicidal. It was hard to stop the tears so I went to bed, but the moment I was asleep I had a nightmare about a friend leading me into a trap where someone tried to kill me, directly after, I had a dream where I was at work and everybody hated me. I will not write these in my dream book.
I am so so grateful that, for once, I decided to confide in my sister, because she gave me some advice and then spend the rest of this evening cheering me up and distracting me and whatnot. At first I couldn't get it out of my mind, and whatever she did my mind kept drifting. But finally, now as I write this, I was able to at least laugh with her and I feel lighter now. This has put me in even better spirits because I was terrified of being still miserable on Christmas day. My Mum would be able to tell and it would ruin it for her. Also I've completely lost my appetite, which is rare, so that might clue her in too. But I think I have the strength to at least fake it now.
I feel very upset still because I feel that it came about from being sluggish and not up to speed lately. It takes me a long to time process what's been said which leads to embarrassing incidents, doing and saying stupid things, being made a fool of by other people. It's really upsetting, because I know I'm not normally like this but I feel stupid and dumb. And worthless. I wish I knew how to get more confidence. I hate to say this, but everything is going wrong. It gets harder to see the bright side of things with each passing day. But I'll just carry on, I guess. Something has to change, eventually.
A personal blog to write what I can't say in person. Who am I today?
