Who Am I?

Fun Facts .

  1. I am a writer.
  2. I also read, draw, paint, sing, dance, act and photograph.
  3. If it's creative, you name it, I'm on it.
  4. Favourite books are fantasy.
  5. I like all genres, but I'm very specific about what I read... just the cover can put me off.
  6. Favourite author is Carlos Ruiz Zafon.
  7. Favourite book is Magician by Raymond E Feist.
  9. OBSESSIONS: The Legend Of Zelda and Avatar: The Legend of Aang.
  10.  --- There are more, but the above two stood the test of time. O_O
  11. Nationality - Black British - Caribbean. Heritage - Jamaican.
  12. I adore anything related to fantasy, which is my forte.
  13. --- Includes books, anime, manga, films, comics, video games and artwork.
  15. --- I absolutely love Japanese culture. History, icons, festivals, food (well, 50/50 on food.)
  16. --- ...and I've been learning the language for quite some time now. 
  17. Since a child, I've collected smooth stones, shiny coins, and ribbons.
  18. As I child I was SO indecisive, so I decided that my choices, if applicable, would always be 'red' or 'strawberry'.
  19. --- The above is also how I chose my favourite colour and number, as I assumed as a kid that I was supposed to have one.
  20. --- It's 5 (birthday), 8 (I Ching), or 11 (double digit). 
  21. --- My favourite colours is purple, but when purple is on holiday I happily substitute pink or red.
  22. I have lived in London since Day One. I have also lived in the same house since Day One.
  23. My family has had, (between us and to date,) 1 dog, 4 cats, 4 hamsters, 1 guinea pig, and couple dozen fish. Most of them are in a better place expect for my sister's cat, and two of our fish called Stripy and Tiger who we've have for FOURTEEN YEARS. I didn't know fish in a tank could live so long.
  24. Food addiction.
  25. I don't watch TV. Haven't in years.
  26. I am in the process of learning three languages.
  27. Sagittariuuuuuus! Bow and Arrow, behbeh.
  28. Back when I was a dancer, I joined this cheerleading club.... yes, I did really. I taught it.
  29. I always prefer walking to public transport unless the distance is too far. That's when I am inspired the most.
  30. After my phase of being addicted to forums, I am coming to the awful realisation that I may be addicted to blogging now. 

Why 'mzdarkstar'?

God, I wish I knew. I had a thing with stars when I came up with it (my first word was 'duck', and since then, nothing has made sense). I thought up' mzdarkstar' when I was 11 and needed a sign name for something. Its stuck with me since. I go through phases of loving it (edgy, unique and only eight characters! WHOOP) and hating it (lame as fuckk, random and why did I decide not to capitalise the 'm'? Yeah, it looks better, but people might think I don't know grammar e_e ) Whenever I need a new username for anything, I'm always always stuck. So I end up back with 'mzdarkstar'. Again.

I'm getting better though! After all, I did think up Kiss Kiss Bandits. Somehow.

Guess what? I am the only 'mzdarkstar' on the internet. Type 'mzdarkstar' on google, and everything that comes up is me. Eight years ago, I typed mzdarkstar into Google and it said, 'Did you mean: dark star?' No, I didn't. But now Google brings up 16 (probably more, now) pages of me. Which is cool, I guess, if not just an easy way to get stalked.

Why 'alter-ego'?

Not many people know this about me, but I have a hard time defining myself. I also have issues with my name - my full name is so long that it's a complex sentence by itself. I go through periods when I hate myself and desperately need to be something else, and thennnn... this alias alter-ego thing came about.

Some people are surprised to realise I am a black girl who listens to all of the following: Classical, Soul, Jazz, RandB, Acoustic, Britpop, Punk Rock, OSTs, Electropop, K-Pop, J-Pop, Hip Hop & Rap, Reggae, and Reggaet├│n... and the list goes on.
-- Who has spent about 8 years building up dance technique in Street Dance, Contemporary, Jazz, Ballet, I even did a course in Breaking... ?!
-- Who is an avid lover of fantasy and sci-fi (FANTASY FIRST. ALWAYS.), anime, manga, comics, comic-culture, cosplay...? Who adores cutsie kawaii Fruits Basket just as much as nitty gritty Magician (Raymond E. Feist) ... ?
--Who's an avid writer, reader, singer - and in previous parts of my life, card-maker, painter so and so and so...? Who is happy to spend long periods of time alone but can also be sociable with a group of people?

The list goes ooooon.

A lot of the time, I'm not entirely sure who I am. I noticed, more and more over my adolescence, that I would have sudden 'switches' and at the time I didn't know if I was just growing up and my opinions were changing. But now its seems much more like I have certain 'personalities' or 'phases' when I switch between the various, VARIOUS different things that I like. When I was younger, I could never make my mind up about tuff. Maybe this was something I developed over the years so that I could blend and fit in with different groups of people, I'm not sure. Also, the depression has a lot of effect on switching my mood quickly, in a way not unlike bipolar disorder. But then again (- !) I'm not so sure, but I didn't think that a person could tell if they themselves had the disorder! I may be wrong. Actually, I hope to God I am wrong.

The Personalities ('Egos')

  • Star was born first. Sometimes I hate Star too, but Star is the writer and Shani is not. I tried to merge them with Star-Kijanna and it wasn't very successful, I still got writers block. Star is also the online alias, the jokey one, the fangirl one. I don't really know where she went.
  • Noriko is the artistic side of me that dances and draws and is optimistic and caring. Tamino, (in my fiction, she is Noriko's twin, but of course, it's all me) who I don't talk about much, is a complete bitch and so very mean.
  • Shay is the 'younger' me that's hyper and everything. When I finished school, Shay disappeared and didn't come back, not even for college. I really miss that part of me. That was the part that made everyone around me smile and laugh until their sides ached.
  • S.K. is, simply put, the depressed me. Sometimes, she is just 'S'. Any sort of identity or personality at all is unimportant to her. She is one person in a nation of f***wits and X-Factor addicts. She is lonely when surrounded by people and doesn't talk to anybody. Whenever she tries to write fiction, she writes a paragraph, is disgusted by the lack of elegance in her prose, dismayed that her work had become so bad and, terrified that maybe she'll never write anything good again, or at least, anything that anybody will want to read. The S.K. side of me began writing morbid fiction - the suicide stuff. I've been fighting S.K. since June 2012, but she has been my shadow for a long time prior to that.
  • Nina is the gentle, softer, caring, nurturing me, the me who loves to take care of and treat my family and friends, who can be a bit of a worrier, and also a part of me that I'm trying to get to know. I love my family but I have a lot of personal issues when it comes to them and I'm trying to get around that.
  • Izarra, to be fair, is nothing to do with me - she's the alias of me/Star in DVTJ, and is literally a foreign word for 'Star'. Probably Spanish. I forget.
  • Isha, I have almost forgotten. I can barely remember when I was even using that alias, but I think it was during college. I am still considering Isha (the first part of my full - and I mean full - name) as my writer's pseudonym, though I am leaning more towards Ashana as that is what I called the 'me' who is overtaken by ideas, who can spend ages talking to herself to slot them into place in her head, who compulsively works on whatever I'm writing. Isha, I tend to think, is more the musical side.

That's it really. I think that's most of them. It's very hard to describe them. Sometime they combine. I often don't know what ego I've been until the moment's passed, because it can be a mixture. It's confusing.

About My Lit

I wanted this blog domain to be starlit.blogspot.com but it was taken. So I was forced to be myself.

Anyone who's read my writing before might say that I'm pretty predictable. I couldn't disagree - only since I was writing my most, about two/three years ago, my style has profoundly changed. But a lot of the stories I normally create come under certain predictable categories, yes.

  • Fantasy: self-explanatory, it's my forte.
  • Supernatural/Horror Fantasy: an expression of my stress and violence.
  • Morbid and Psyche: a reflection on my depression.
  • Urban Fiction: stories about 'real life' (but how real can you get in fiction?)
  • Femme Fiction: yeah... I like seeing women win.

So... who am I, then?

Good question, and I don't know the answer. Or maybe I should be saying, I know the answer and I am trying to understand it, hence why this blog exists. Who am I? No, who am I really? Why am I here? What does everything and everyone mean to me? What does it all mean? What is the point? The purpose? Why do I do anything? Where am I headed after I've done it?

Maybe I'll be enlightened tomorrow, maybe it isn't my destiny to know the answers in this lifetime. But even if I don't find the answers via blogging meditation, at least I had fun designing the blog layout.

Peace and Love,
Star. xx

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