I get so confused on what I should believe sometimes. The principles I believe in, as they relate to kindness and humanity, have been tested so much lately. As for me personally, I no longer feel like I actually emulate the qualities that I believed existed in everyone. So the beliefs I've held for so long about the intrinsic nature of human beings is really being shaken right down to the foundation.
No doubt, COVID-19 severing me completely and utterly from my community has left me fragile and in a dark place.
I hate to go on about it, but Mama did say a lot of things to me about religion that really fucked me up, largely because a lot of what she says is contradictory, which is stressful when combined with emotional blackmail and extreme ultimatums. On the one hand, I'm grateful my parents let me have my own spiritual/religious beliefs which, as I've gotten older, tends to overlap with theirs anyway. On the other, their beliefs exemplify their cynicism about humanity. I think it stems from things they have seen or suffered. I can't blame them. But I also can't follow them down that path. I feel like if I believe people are wired to be selfish and cruel, the meaning of life is reduced to so little that perhaps it's barely worth living. I don't know.
Troubled thoughts on a Thursday night.
