Bit By Bit

I'm am so grateful for all of the support around me, friends, family, counsellors, those at my university, etc. SO grateful, words will never describe. So relieved to know that even if they can't understand me, they do really and truly care about me, and want to see me improve because they believe I can recover.

I'm so, so lucky, because some people don't have the amount of people support them that I do. I'm scared of letting all of them down, though I'm determined not to. I want to show them I can be strong, maybe I could even be an inspiration. It would make me beyond happy if I could help someone else get out of the place I am. Or I'll be saying then - the place I've been.

I try to live by the Abraham Hicks philosophy.

Life doesn't start when my dreams come true, or when my future partner (ha, joke) turns up in my life or when I move into that dream house or whatever it is I'm aiming for, it's right now, I'm living it right now. I often ask myself, what can I do to be happy right now? If I'm really in that dark place, I'll sardonically think 'kill myself', but more often than not I'll actually take it seriously and try to do something that makes me smile. Not even laugh, just smile. It's a start.

It can be tough trying to climb my way up bit by bit, but just for those moments where I am relieved that the pressure has been taken off my mind, I am thankful. It is scary though, because when every so often, that haunting depression comes back, I start to believe that I will never shake it off.

But I think one day I will. I'm starting to turn the different areas of my life around slowly, and although I crash and burn (a lot) I will alway pray that, in the end, I can hold on to the feeling of how wonderful it is to be alive.



S.K.
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How Many Times? How Many Times?

I have been to counselling, I've been to my doctor, I've been to the Health Centre at my university, I've been to see my course leader, over the space of 15 months with a huge gap in between.

I've spoken to a close friend, my Mum, and other friends know tiny details here and there.

I've been recommended to the university Chaplain, to the Student Space Mental Health worker, to a psychotherapist, to my personal tutor. How many more people must I open my heart to? How long does this go on?

I didn't want this to happen. I don't want to be remembered as the one who fell apart. Me me me, the secret nutcase, the one who lives in her head to escape the real world, as Yanamari, as Karalan, as Jean, as Clear, as Kaede - then I return to this shithole-society, as S.K., as Shay, as Ashana Lian, as Isha K, because nothing is ever clear and there is never one of me. I can't cope being just one. It's like some part of me has to compensate for being a Nothing, so it makes multiples. Whatever, man. Whatever. Just give up.

Aren't all of the geniuses of the world basically insane? It would be great if in my mind was a hidden genius, but it seems like I just got the 'crazy' side of things and now I have to make do. I am scared. My siblings and Mama are getting hit by depression too. How do I help them? What do I do?

For now, I'll sing.

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Born To Be Alone

I am scared to speak what's on my mind because of the fear of being misunderstood. But I don't want to be alive any longer. Why not die on my birthday?

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Battlegame Forfeit Oneshot: THE COORDINATOR

I'm a bit embarrassed about posting this. I didn't realise my writing style had changed so much. Anywhoo. GOTTA DO THIS. I gotta get through this. *sings Daniel Bedingfield*

Today, My Dad Said,

"I wanted to have success so that my family would be with me. Now I have found it, my family aren't with me."

That's a big reason for finding success for me too. So my family could be together and not have to worry. I'd never for a moment thought that it might not go that way, that it might be what they want, or even that life might take a different turn if I do get successful. So then, am I doing it for me alone? Who am I doing it for? What am I striving for?

Why does his bug me all the time? I'm so confused. Life is confusing.



Star .

Psychosis Nightmare

I have a lot to write and not much time, I'm just gonna bash it all out. Fuck grammar, fuck typos, lets do this.

Hofesh Shechter's "Sun" (Review? I guess?) =]

You know, there were some parts when people in the audience laughed, and I didn't find it funny at all.

I saw it as a political piece.

But let's go from the beginning; I saw the 1st November performance, it was last Friday. I've finally got around to writing it. Different thoughts have crossed my mind about this piece and it took me a long while to empty it all out. It's occurred to me that I've seen a bucketload of contemporary Dance even though I'm only 20. Hopefully that means I'm not just chatting garbage. I suppose it helps that, studying English Literature at university, I am used to analysing and interpreting works of art to death.

I went with my sister (teaches Dance A Level at college), her colleague, and her colleague's partner, so although it was a 'fun' outing, they were already familiar with Hofesh Shechter's work, they'd seen Political Mother, so they had a certain expectation on going to see Sun.

Okay then.

The beginning confused me. I liked the spontaneity but I was a little anxious as I felt that I was waiting for something. It was episodic and the movement came in snippets, which left me on the edge of my seat waiting for a chunk of choreography that would satisfy me. I felt like (dunno why, but, I felt like) dancers were portraying something that was being repressed. Just my feeling.

I LOVED the part where the dancers were all on one side of the stage in a cluster, no music, simply gestures all done in perfect timing with each other. At some point I was going in my mind 'Oh my God! That's amazing! Somebody MUST be leading! Who's leading?!' That was awesome.

The choreography is soooo lovely, you can see all sorts of fusions and influences, really interesting gestures, and there was such a freedom in the movement, like a release, and so complete and whole that even now I can't be sure that that was A. the style of the dancers', B. Hofesh Shechter's particular choreography and style, or C. my feeling as a result of the atmosphere of the piece, combined with lighting, music, costume, so on.

I HATED

(well not really...)

the sheep/wolf - girl/guy - victim/threat scene, it was excellent but the moment I saw it I knew THIS was, for me, the symbolic climax of the piece, the fact that it returned various times with themes made me feel that even stronger. I felt as if the population, citizens of a nation, they are the sheep. Or should I say, WE are the sheep. The nation. The people. I don't think any Presidents or Ministers will be reading this so I think I can include anybody reading (if anybody does) as the sheep. Sorry. S'what I felt.

Still figuring out what the threat is... I suppose that's why in a way I hated it. The uncertainty made me wary. And afraid. The music had me completely on edge and during the blackout when the music is deafening and terrifying, my heart was racing and I felt really terrified in my chair, and I felt threatened.

I suddenly remembered the music shopping in Primark today and my mild mood disappeared, I just wanted to go home. ANYWAY. Though while I was looking up symptoms of severe depression, I think I saw Irrational Fears listed so i should have seen it coming. My sudden overwhelming fears of monsters in the dark, coupled with my nightmares, probably contributed to that feeling at the show last Friday. Yesterday, I kept imagining the music and then imaging an angel wrapping it wings protectively around me, but then the angel would have sharp teeth like a monster and start biting into my neck and tearing chunks out. Fuck. Damn. I went to see a mental wellbeing institute after that, thank God.

ANYWAY -

Why were people laughing? I don't understand that behaviour. I didn't see anything funny. I felt like shouting, 'Can't you see it?! Can't you see the symbolism?! It's all there! And it's not exactly funny!'

Some parts were funny, the way the sheep placard was being moved by the dancer, turning around and doing all sorts of stuff, but then for example, when the victim comes face to face with the threat and there's a scream, I think the second time round with the girl there was some laughter, and I kind of couldn't believe that people were laughing when I was scared out of my wits, but again maybe it was just me, maybe I didn't 'get' it. Horrible.

At one point, the dancer in the coat twin-tailed coat-thing was screaming, and another male dancer before that I'm pretty sure, a few chuckles at that too. My first thought on seeing it was a frustration, bordering on insanity, so I didn't find it funny becauuuuse as I'd spent a great deal of last week having panic attacks, I felt more or less exactly like that. Maybe people just laughed out of their awkwardness. Children also do that when they see 'weird dancing'.

So, the dancer in the white coat. I felt that he was a... guide, leader, composer, creator, choreographer of some kind, trying to gain a sense of control. But control was in a tug of war with mental stability. The more control he got, the less sane he seemed to be. The less control he got... okay weeeell, maybe that theory doesn't work :3

I loved the marching. It looked fantastic on the stage, very uniform and neat and tidy. You know I like neat and tidy =]

The girls in their underwear made me feel awkward. I was like, 'Oh wait, is something gonna happen? What's gonna happen?' and I'm not sure what the choice for that was. It worked only to a point I think. Something was being revealed but I didn't know what, so it was lost on me... sorry. Maybe because I'm female. I dunno.

Okay, now my FAVOURRRITE part =D

A particular dancer was onstage, in the center, looking up at a lone light. Then there's blackout and the next moment he's circling his arms in the air and following the light's movement, as if he's entranced or worshipping it, then he moved to the front corner of the stage and seemingly meditates. That entire bit was trancelike for me.

We talked about the piece a long while afterwards, I liked hearing the opinions of the other three, there were some things we all agreed on, and other points... not. I think Hofesh Shechter's Q and A at the end helped it to make a bit more sense. I felt a lot like there was glimpses of hope as well as pure terror in the piece. I really like the style, though some parts of the piece was baffling to me... yyyeah.

Ahhh oh yyyeahhh... the 'sun'...

We had a debate about that too. It seemed like a glimmer of hope but... BUT...?! It wasn't a HAPPY sun! It was like a dying sun, blissful and beautiful but bittersweet and just not... all good. It's like waiting for that moment of optimism that he was talking about, but when it finally comes, it's not as perfect as it should have been, there's this ongoing, dark note that persists throughout. Bah. Hm. =/ But it was such a good piece =D




Anyway that was just a snapshot, wanted to write what I remembered before I forgot... my sister is determined to go back and see it again in the Spring, if my crazy mindset lifts, I'll probably go with her. I want to, but man, how that sheep-wolf bit scared me. When I set her the email, I thinks she thought I was joking, she actually had to hear my voice on the phone and then the penny dropped, she was pretty shocked. So am I. Dunno what's wrong with me. I'm glad I'm getting help now. I do need to go to shows more often and get out more though...

Man does life suck. =P



Star. xx
P.S. They may be typos ^ but I don't care. teehee c:

I Will Find Peace

...of course, as life goes on.

Sometimes I read things in the news that breaks my heart. But I have to find a way to not be attached to those awful things. It's so easy to get sucked in for them to prey on my mind for days, weeks, sometimes months. I'm learning to let them go. Otherwise how can I try to aim for my own happiness if I'm constantly empathising with somebody else's pain?

I need to find a spiritual healer, maybe look into NLP, CBT, meditation, SOMETHING. I'm looking into it now.

S.K.
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I'm Really Sorry

It's hard to explain over the phone. It's rare I will be honest over the phone. It's rare I will be honest anyway, no use if you can't do anything about it.

I have realised that when I am REALLY low, I can explain what I mean much better by writing than talking, which is the reason for this. I did this with my friend the other day and it was much better than choking over the phone.

Also, using blog instead of email so that I can put it together with the others and mark my 'progress', also so I don't have to repeat myself... which I may have to anyway because I don't really tell you anything soo.

Several thoughts were on my mind yesterday. First, the fact that I hadn't been able to stick to my schedule got me down. For example, I'd planned to do the assignments for those modules I told you about and haven't been able to, I haven't practised any Japanese, I haven't done any reading, etc. So that made me very upset because it's like, if I'd known I wouldn't achieve anything, I might as well have just relaxed properly and done nothing. Instead I've been stressed all week, intending to do something the next day and never being able to because something ALWAYS comes up, and what I haven't achieved is constantly on my mind. Moving on.

Next, I think I told you about my sleep, but lately I've been having nightmares whenever I go to sleep. On top of sometimes not being able to sleep, sometimes I'm too on edge to just lie down and not panic, especially if my mind is in a dark place but I'll talk about that later. Like I said just now I've been in bed most of today, both times when I feel asleep I've had dreams although they haven't been as bad as some I've had recently. They weren't nice though. Both were about me killing a lot of people or myself (or trying) or else witnessing it.

Next, the reason why I really wanted to see someone is because I've been cutting myself again, a lot, I wouldn't call it cutting though because I have a pin instead of a knife (which Mama took away) so this time it doesn't bleed but its the same motion, blahhwhatever. The reason why is because I was really overwhelmed but what I was feeling, will explain more later, and I was having something that I can only really describe as panic attacks, I'm not sure, I hoped to see someone today and talk about it but now I'm not, will explain LAAATER.... and also I was doing it because when I feel like I'm about to fall apart, the pain of it really helps to calm me down, plus in perspective emotional pain becomes less intense compared to the immediate physical pain, alsooo it makes lots of little ridges in my skin and when I run my thumb across it the day after, it kind of has a nice feeling and calms me down. Yeah. BUT, what I wanted to say, waass, that.. [sorry forgot for a min] was that I don't really feel like going anymore because although they try their best I don't think they're going to help me. I'm not in the mood to have the option of anti-depressants shoved in my face. I don't have much faith or confidence that they will do anything significant, and although I was desperate yesterday, its faded a bit now so I don't think I will.

So the 'overwhelmed by what I was feeling' & 'mind in a dark place', this is a bit harder to describe but I will try.

As you know I often have phase of feeling insecure, inferior, etc, I get stressed by Uni, I get stressed by pretty much anything, the more time passes, the greater my fear of certain things get. Sometimes I feel like, and this will sound silly, but that I have no future, I can never estimate where I will be in X years because from a spiritual point of view, I feel as if my lifeline ends sometime within three years. This feeling has gotten stronger in the last 2-3 months. I feel really ooold. Honestly. Even though I'm 20, lol. The last ten years, looking back, feel like decades now. I have old-fashioned ideals anyway, but I don't see myself being very adaptable to the future. I don't want to see myself at 40. I don't have high hopes for where either I will be or the world around me will be. I often don't think of suicide as in giving up but more because I don't want to be here, I really don't want to be here, I feel surrounded by monsters and fucking idiots. I suppose because I am afraid, but we've covered that already.

I am constantly looking for methods to bring my mood up, I think about what people my age or generally what other people do, and I know 'other people' is accounting for over six billion people, I suppose I mean the Western stereotypes. Say for example they might go out clubbing or cinema or watch a movie or go to a restaurant or play computer games maybe, or draw or paint or just watch TV, or drink alcohol or do drugs, and as you know, I don't like to do ANY of those things. Doing them doesn't make me happy, not doing them doesn't make me happy, I'm a bit stuck, being an anomaly.

As for the thing I do like doing =/ I have dreams and things for the future, I really hope to find a way to bring in extra income to help the family, but, the way I am feeling brings it all to a halt. I haven't really been able to write or do my music (time), or read spiritual or health books (no time) or meet friends or family (money or time) or do anything that I really like, so I'm constantly distressed. Some days I don't feel so bad, and I try to hold onto that by playing some music or... whatever, I don't really know wtf I do, I seem to pass hours doing jack all.

Because of my eyes hurting, I can only read/use the computer for a limited amount of time. Reading and using my laptop is REQUIRED for my course, so it makes studying a pain. Sleeping, covered. My energy is always low. Eating, my eating has been bad so that's adding to the problem no doubt. Mama brought up a smoothie today so good start I guess, trying to erase two months of deviance.

So like I said, the hardest part is figuring out which part of the never-ending cycle I should attack first, because I think that would make the rest unravel, but it's not happening. Which is why I thought I should see someone.



There's lots more to say about it, about for example the dark thoughts I'm having or the fact that I'm considering dropping out of university or changing university, and that I've thought about leaving my job too (the moneyy, I need the moneyyy!)

...but I feel tired just writing the above, I'm sue you'll feel the same reading, my head is hurting looking at the screen as well so maybe another time.

I'm definitely coming to the show though, just let me know what time to meet you. I need to get out of this house.



S.K.