Shallow Cuts

The only reason I'm writing this is because once upon a time, writing these stupid blog posts was all that kept me sane. I have slowly been going insane this year, and I have had two significant breakdowns that I remember - this is the second. I don't remember the last time I cut myself. I threw away the knife I used to use, and I never even thought about it any more. What a blessing. But today, whatever streak I'd been on ended. I cut my arms because the pain inside of me, in my stomach, chest and throat, felt far worse than the feeling of cutting my arm open, even as I was doing it. Even if I had someone to ask for help, I would be afraid to. I did call Hopeline but they closed at 10pm. I've never felt more alone or more empty, ever. It's clear my life needs to change, but I'm not sure what I should be changing. Even before the lockdown, I was isolated and unfulfilled - now it's compounded a hundred times. I have no idea what I should do and my mind is so numb I can barely write this. 

Star .

Faith and Belief

I get so confused on what I should believe sometimes. The principles I believe in, as they relate to kindness and humanity, have been tested so much lately. As for me personally, I no longer feel like I actually emulate the qualities that I believed existed in everyone. So the beliefs I've held for so long about the intrinsic nature of human beings is really being shaken right down to the foundation.

No doubt, COVID-19 severing me completely and utterly from my community has left me fragile and in a dark place.

I hate to go on about it, but Mama did say a lot of things to me about religion that really fucked me up, largely because a lot of what she says is contradictory, which is stressful when combined with emotional blackmail and extreme ultimatums. On the one hand, I'm grateful my parents let me have my own spiritual/religious beliefs which, as I've gotten older, tends to overlap with theirs anyway. On the other, their beliefs exemplify their cynicism about humanity. I think it stems from things they have seen or suffered. I can't blame them. But I also can't follow them down that path. I feel like if I believe people are wired to be selfish and cruel, the meaning of life is reduced to so little that perhaps it's barely worth living. I don't know.

Troubled thoughts on a Thursday night.

Star .