Monday, 11 March 2013

Shen Yun 2013 - London


Oho! I went to Shen Yun again this year, bringing my Mum along with me, heh heh. Some notable differences this year. As I said in my previous post, it was held in The Barbican Theatre, relatively smaller than the London Coliseum, so I ended up getting us £70 tickets. Bit of a blow, but worth it.

First of all, the Barbican Theatre is a bloody MAZE. You just can't find your way around the place at all! It was both fun and frustrating trying to guess the way, and it wasn't as aesthetically pleasing as the London Coliseum, but never mind. You can't have everything. Well, you can... anyway, you understand my meaning.

We were sat in the front row of the upper circle. I was heavily pleased that I was able to see the orchestra this time. They were brilliant. Plus, I saw two other black people! So we weren't the only ones. I will not lie, that kind of made me feel better.

So, the show.

Now, before I get onto the costumes, choreography, themes and the like, something that has never happened to me before... happened. Haha. Well, there was a girl who was sat two seats to our right. She politely asked us where we got our programmes, and my mother and I told her. Then, when the lights went dark and the show was about to start, two women came along and there was a slight fuss as she was in their seat. So she moved along until she sat on my right, and the ladies sat down, and we thought all was fine. A few minutes later, two more ladies came along and then said she was in their seat, stopping right in front of me and my Mum. Heavily confused, she looked at her ticket and said something to them. The people behind us were muttering and sighing now because, don't forget, it was a cramped space, it was dark, and when people were standing up we couldn't see anything. What had happened was, the girl's seat had been taken by someone else, so she had thought she had to sit somewhere else. By now, I was thinking that I was missing a great deal of the first piece so I leaned over to see if I could help. "What's your seat number?" I whispered. "Seat number 50..." she replied, showing me her ticket. Mentally I thought, that's about 11 seats down from us. I glanced down. Sure enough, all of those seats had people sitting in it. I whispered back to her, "Look, you paid £70 for that seat. That was the seat you chose. Nobody else has the right to sit in it but you, so go and tell them to move, because they didn't pay for your seat." She got up, and left.

Me and my Mum were exchanging glances of disbelief. What are the chances of that happening! But it didn't even end there. The lady who finally had her seat, sitting on my right, was SICK. Yes. She really was. Into some sort of handkerchief or something. I smelt it before I realised it, to be honest. I couldn't believe it. I wanted to ask, "Are you okay?" But it was obvious that she wasn't, and as I didn't have any water to give her or any way to help, I kept quiet. She got up and left soon after, and I felt kinda bad for not being able to do something. I hope she feels better now. (In the interval, her friend passed on a apology from her and said she was watching the show from the Foyer.)

So, yes. That took place throughout the first piece. And I could - not - believe it.

So, the show. I will be honest. I will never forget the opening of Shen Yun 2012, because the use of the drums was so original, striking, and dynamic. As excellent as the opening piece was, titled Descending To The World, it didn't have as much of an impact. Even sitting here now, I am struggling to remember it.

Of course, I had my favorite pieces. When Shoalin Monks Protected The Emperor was HILARIOUS. The way the dancers moved together as a body was so, so striking. I loved the sense of community from the monks, plus the fight scene was really great too (the silent anarchist in me wishes it had gone on for longer, heh). The only thing that made me feel a bit... I don't know, uncomfortable? Disconcerted? Was that the monks were granted permission by the emperor to eat meat after they protected him. But is this not against their religious or spiritual practices? I mean, clearly they wanted to, but I felt uneasy about it. Never mind.

My other FAVOURITE one was The Emperor Journeys To The Moon (Are you spotting the recurring theme? Perhaps I am drawn to Emperors!) which was beautifully crafted. Ironically, both pieces were choreographed by the same person, Gu Yuan. Bravo, Gu Yuan! I thought it was wonderfully done. Plus, the dancer who portrayed the Emperor in this piece had excellent classical technique.

Others that I liked a lot were Tang Dynasty Battleground, with the use of their shields and athleticism. Sand Monk Is Blessed had a really imaginative battle between the ogre, Monkey and Pigsy contrasting with the gentleness of the children at the beginning. The female dancer in purple (or was it yellow...?) and pink and the female dancer in  green and blue were very good. As always, the animation on the screen was as funny as it was perfectly timed and original. Dancing For The Gods had some really catchy footwork, A Joyful Harvest had some great choreography, and the story Yang Zhi and his Sabre was portrayed soo well. The dancer playing Yang Zhi balanced the macho and the flowing classical technique really well. I hope that makes sense!

There were some I haven't yet mentioned, which focus on the Falun Dafa practice, and how its practitioners are persecuted in China. It makes me so very sad to think of it. An Unexpected Encounter and Divine Mercy moved me, especially as I have been looking more into Falun Dafa since watching the show last year. Why? Why are people being persecuted for these beliefs? What is so threatening?! There is no word for how appalling it is. 'Appalling' is as close as I can get, and it does no justice to what I mean.

Furthermore.

Some acts were very similar to acts from last year, in costume, choreography, and backdrop on the projected screen, like Ancient Elegance, Inspired Dance Of The Yi, An Unexpected Encounter, An Early Spring (with some impressive throwing and catching of the handkerchiefs ) and Han Imperial Air. Some were completely new, such as the narrative pieces; The Emperor Journey's To the Moon, Yang Zhi And His Sabre, Sand Monk Is Blessed, and When Shaolin Monks Protected The Emperor.

There were also more singers this year! I particularly liked tenor Yuan Qu, who sang the song with the line, 'The great river flows east never to return / Situations change as time passes, never to recur'. As we are talking lyrics, there was a really striking line in the Do Not Lose Your Way piece, 'Atheism is a lie / The theory of evolution is a sham / It is the Creator who made mankind'. Also, Haolan Geng came back for an encore, and she sang this wonderful song which I THINK is called Guided By The Gods, with the lyrics 'choke up the pill of delusion you've been forced to swallow'... ? Yeah, that was deep.

But what really struck me was the performance of Xiaochun Qi on the... erhu? That was so, so brilliant. I wish I could see her performance again. Such skill!

Julie and Jared came back to host this year! Well actually it sounded like he said Jerry, but that could have been his accent. Let's call him Jerry anyway. Like last year, they were great. Julie wore this beautiful orange dress after the intermission - looking at it made me happy. Haha! I don't know why I wasn't jealous  Probably because I wouldn't look as lovely in it as she did! Ah, so pretty.

Now - costumes! One of my favourite things! All of the costumes for each piece correctly corresponded with the theme. In the opening piece, I believe the female dancers wore these yellow and pink dresses that looked stunning. I think it was in Dancing For The Gods, the dancers wore this skirts in really bold colours that gave a particular feeling to the atmosphere. In Sewing The Flowers Of Heaven, I think the dancers wore pink and white. Along with the smoke effect, it made a strong impact. Finally, Phoenix Fairies had on blue and orange costumes, and on the end of the scarves was a little symbol that could have been a pehonix tear... maybe a Phoenix feather? How is it that it was not my favourite costume, but I remember it better than any of the others?!

Well, that's all I have to say, I think.

Once again, the Shen Yun performance has completely made my day, week and month. It was perfection down to the last degree. The orchestra was incredible too. I can barely imagine how much the company had to train to put on a show like that. My Mum loved it too, especially the tiny footsteps the female dancers took when entering and exiting the stage; in their skirts and dresses, it looked like they were gliding.


FUN FACT: During the interval, my Mum told me that a distant-ish relative was making a family tree, and asking my grandmother some questions about it. She told me (and I am stunned by this knowledge as I had thought I was black through and through) that my great great grandmother was a Chinese lady descended from the Ming Dynasty! Something like that! I was stunned. I must find out more.



Star xx

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I didn't have a dream about Shen Yun as I did last year, so i thought I'd write on a piece that sparked my inspiration: Phoenix Fairies. Jerry spoke a little bit about the Pheonix Fairies (So did Julie, but let's stick with Jerry as he was speaking in English.) but I wasn't paying attention because the moment he said Phoenix Fairies my mind was very far away. I imagine that the concept is very different in Chinese, but I was trying to merge my idea of a 'pheonix' and of a 'fairy'. What sort of creature would that be?! What would it look like?

It reminded me of a story I created long ago, of two powerful spirits descending from heaven and taking human forms to restore balance to Earth. One was the dragon, who embodied the human male, an aspect of Yang. The other, taking the form of the human female and projecting Yin, was the Phoenix.


Ruler Of Heaven, Prince Of Earth, and Phoenix Fairies

Grass swayed and stretched to the sky, bending gently for the wind. The lone traveller was completely hidden in the sea of green, so still and silent in his contemplation, that only the spirits would be able to sense him there. Nature ambled aimlessly around him, taking many different forms, rolling like the wind, turning like petals, bending like grass, wandering like deer. It did not merely seem to happen around him, but happen through him. So still was he, that he became a part of nature, and nature saw no difference.

He remembered when he had first begun to meditate - it had been forced upon him by his masters and teachers, who tried as best they could to explain what it meant. At first, it had felt like waiting, counting every minute and second and waiting for it to end. It then felt more like sleeping sitting up. After years of training with his longsword, dreading the day when we would use it against another man for real, meditation suddenly became a reset button. He would refresh himself spiritually, and when he fell back to Earth, he was a man anew.

Sometimes, he would ask the Great Dragon to guide his way.

Endless hours he sat hidden in the grassy fields of Holy Mountain. The waters from the Heavenly Pool had blessed this earth, and life at the very spot would never end. The traveller would not have even noticed if another person walked right up to and him shouted in his face. He was not on Earth now - but somewhere between Earth and Heaven, being purified by the spirits that guarded the path between.

But suddenly, he felt a tug of energy. He was unsure he could even call it energy. It dawned on him as the most beautiful feeling, like falling in love, or experiencing a wave of euphoria. So pure was the feeling, that every earthy concern was immediately released from his body. With nothing now holding him to Earth, his human body slumped between the reeds of grass and his spirit made haste to join those already guarding the path between.

"No!" commanded a voice. "You cannot yet depart Earth, I need you here. Return!"

The merging of his spirit and body was so quick, so fast and jolting that he was gasping for air when his eyes opened, his face against the dirt. He stumbled to his feet and whipped around, his face being beaten by the wind as he finally saw a figure standing a few feet away, dressed in black and red, with a scarlet sash tied around his waist, the ends dancing with the winds. The traveller could made out the small bagua symbol on the end of this figure's scarlet sash. And this figure... radiated the 'feeling'. Even just a step closer made in intensify twofold.

"It is you..." the traveller whispered.

"Yes. It is I. Do you know who I am?"

The traveller bowed, trying to remember respect above his awe. "I know you are a being of great power. That is all I need to know. Was it you who spoke to me, Great One?"

"Yes." The figure lowered it's head. The traveller felt the energy of his companion enfold around him, like a careful stream of fire coursing through space without burning a single thing. "Mortal. You cannot depart just yet. You have something to show me."

"Me, Great One?" The traveller was in disbelief, barely knowing where to look, what to say or how to act. "I have not perfected a single thing I have learnt throughout my life. Surely, I have nothing of value to show you, Great One."

The figure smiled. It was a bemused smile that lit up a godly, perfectly structured face, and beneath brilliant eyes, its expression was complete. "Show me the Dragon's Grace."

The traveller's eyes widened with surprise. He bowed again. "I haven't performed the Dragon's Grace in many years, Great One. But... of course."

The traveller, having no belongings to place aside, began immediately. Dragon's Grace was a very old sequence, and it remained undecided whether it was a fighting technique or a dance. As he moved, each slice and strike of the air that he made with his arms and legs, the traveller grew more exhilarated, honoured and presenting his knowledge to a clearly powerful spirit, so powerful that it could disguise itself in human form so convincingly, save the energy it emitted. When he reached the ending, he stopped with a sudden glance around him. Creatures formed a circle around him, gazing eagerly at his movements. Their skin was coloured amber, their stomachs silky smooth but their backs scaly and tough. Hair cascaded down to the waist of each creature in shades bluer than an iris, bluer than the sea. Their eyes glinted gold and happy.

"More?" the traveller murmured. "Great One, what are these creatures?"

The figure laughed, a laugh so strong and invigorating that the creature shrieked with delight in response  tossing their blue hair and dancing in circles. "The Phoenix Fairies much enjoyed your performance, mortal. I had suspected your spirit had such strength. Your Dragon's Grace drew them closer to you."

"Great One, I am certain that it was your presence that drew them near." the traveller said with a bow, a smile upon his face, both delighted, yet as humble as he could make it.

"No, mortal. They have always been here with you. You see them now because of my presence, but they had already been here with you. They are the servants of my beloved, the Phoenix  They were once part of the Celestial Order that governed the place of mortals, of spirits and of Gods, both on Earth and in each and every heaven. But their love for the Phoenix made them follow her to Earth, and here they continue their heavenly work, keeping harmony, balance and order in a world so bent on descending into anarchy and chaos."

As the figure spoke, it's human shape began to morph into something else, a creature both awesome and terrible, both monstrous and magnificent. Every Phoenix Fairy created noise of such a scale, that the traveller thought it must be a song of worship, perhaps vocal applause. The figure's skin turned as black as night, with those brilliant eyes shifting from oak to jade. The traveller, scarcely daring to breathe, could not stop his eyes following the transformation. Hands became claws, and hair became billowing jet-coloured fire that did not extinguish. The Phoenix Fairies fell silent, but swayed in worship. The figure honestly looked... like a cross between a human and a dragon.

"Your spirit it strong, and pure. You have killed no man, and followed the teachings of Sander the Scholar ardently. I have made you aware of these Phoenix Fairies as very soon, you will need their protection. Continue to remain pure, and you will always be protected by them. For although humans are quicker to recognise a bad moment that takes place in your life - every moment that has been good, that had made you smile, whether you count your blessings or not - they are the cause."



The above work belongs to S.K., written on 11th March 2013.
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Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Ergo Proxy Anime Verdict

SPOILER ALERT: As always, I'm speaking of this anime as a whole. There WILL be references to the end, and trust me, with the twists in this anime? You WILL REGRET reading ahead of watching it.



I have watched Anime that have left a gaping hole into my heart once I've reached the end - Avatar: The Legend Of Aang, Gungslinger Girl and Nabari No Ou all stand in that rank. Ergo Proxy has decidedly moved me, although I stopped thinking about it a lot sooner than I would've thought, for something so disturbing, excellent and philosophical.

So, yeah, it's Cyberpunk Anime, that futuristic, apocalyptic stuff. At the beginning, a lot of 'what the fuck'-s were running through my head. I watched episode 1-3 randomly one day, not returning to it for a week or so. By the time I got to watch episode 4, I couldn't stop watching until I got to episode 15 or 16. I crammed 17-23 into the next two days, and by the end, I couldn't believe it was over.


Plot

I suppose I shouldn't say it's original, after all, there's only about 10 plots in the world or something? But it was startlingly fresh. Not even the part about a dying earth wherein civilisation have to live within a dome to survive. The Ergo Proxy, just by itself, was an amazing concept to include. So much mystery surrounded the Proxies, and it gave you just a tiny shred of information every episode so that you were hungry for more. The full truth about these incredible creatures isn't fully revealed until the very end. Man, it's worth the wait.

When I did reach the end, I didn't feel cheated. Things actually made sense, and for that I rate E.P. . The Cogito virus touching pretty much every AutoReiv was chilling and excellent. Pretty sad that Raul died before he got to see Pino again, but I guess Kristeva getting the Cogito and joining the gang made up for that.

The people living outside the dome that Vincent meets when he's first out there - were so temperamental, it pissed me off. But their situation was so sad.

The various proxies were amazing to see. I loved that they all had their own function, but there was so few them. The whole story, as intriguing as it is, is really depressing. But lots of things I've been reading or watching lately have been depressing. I guess it can't be helped.

Anything else? Oh yeah!! Ummm can anybody explain to me about the Monad Proxy?! Anyone? Because why does she appear in the form of Re-L Number 2 wearing white with wings instead of.... well, looking like a proxy? I thought the proxy they showed in intensive care was Monad. Really confused about that. I'd better ask Mike at Uni class on Monday.



Characters

Re-L - You know, her matter-of-fact nature and way of dealing with situations is really on point. I dig that. But her curiosity that never ends, her stubbornness .. that made me really annoyed with her. I was kinda shocked at the amount of people that called her a bitch during the series (Well, only Cogito-infected Iggy and Vincent in the episode where he's in Re-L's head, but they say it a lot of times), although when you think about it, she really is. I wouldn't have thought it, only... the episode when she demands that Pino combs her hair, and then Vincent when Pino refuses. I saw her arrogant side then. She does care about actual meaningful stuff. But when she gets annoyed when Pino plays with her make-up, like hello? You're in an apocalyptic world travelling with a Proxy and an AutoReiv! Who gives a fuck about your hair and make-up?! Damn.

Vincent - SO, SO annoying during the first half when he's a citizen. SO ANNOYING! I can't stand him with his eyes closed! I loved him at the end, though, especially in his proxy form. He's so badass as Ergo Proxy. He doesn't know it though. And he really wasn't cool until he opened his eyes.




Iggy - What an annoying AutoReiv! Can't stand him, nuff said.

Pino - oh God, I love her SO MUCH! She is my favorite character, easily! AFter being affected with the Cogito virus, it's so endearing when she learns when she's feeling sad, when she draws, gets them out of sticky situations, understands what death means, misses her Dad, when she copies what people say, and says that she really like Vincent and Re-L. I love her little bunny costume. She's just so adorable.

Raul - I thought he was a great character overall, but towards the end, when she began to unravel, I didn't like him so much.

Daedalus - OH LORD! Where to even begin? He is such an excellent, excellent character. He's always got something up his sleeve, so sneaky, and you never even know it until his plans come to fruition! It's funny, I was talking to a friend about how incredible the character of Littlerfinger from Game Of Thrones is. That's who Daedalus reminds me of. Anyway. I love how he always looked out for Re-L, especially at the beginning. When he starts to unravel towards the end, as everybody does, it's fascinating and scary to watch. And when he creates(/makes/finds-?) another Re-L, who of course becomes Monad. The transgression of his character was just great.

Those are the only ones that really moved me. Oh, and guess who else pissed me off? Re-L's grandfather's AutoReiv's, the 4 stone statues named after philosophers. I wished they would just shut up, they never helped - only made every situation worse!

















Design

The design of the Proxies is exquisite. ^_^ Just... honestly. Ergo Proxy was the most terrifying and therefore my favourite. The mask and hair did it all.

Please do not get me wrong by what I'm about to say. Ahem. Vincent has a piece of material wrapped around his waist and crotch like a loincloth, which, considering that he is wearing clothes, is the most ridiculous character costume design I have ever seen. That is all.

Pino, as I said, is the best thing ever in her bunny costume. But in the end episodes, she has on these green trousers which makes her legs look really fat o_O

The entourage AutoReiv's had a really weird design, I didn't like the look of Iggy and Kristeva very much. But for robots, y'know, they were fine.



Soundtrack

As a lot of people know, I love anime soundtracks, and I'll be looking for the E.P. one when I have time. But immediately, the opening track, Kiri by Monoral, and closing track, 'Paranoid Android' by Radiohead, are really great tracks. It's funny, all of the anime's I liked more or less straight off had opening themes I loved.




MOVING ON...

My list of Anime to watch is endlessly growing, mainly because I want to watch the shounen classics before I go to MCM Comic Con London, secondly because I'm reading this book called 'Anime: From Akira To Howl's Moving Castle' by Susan J Napier, and it's really good. Looking at anime in an academic way is a lot cooler than I thought it would be. Probably because, y'know, it IS still anime.

So yeah, my list is still growing. God knows what I'll be reviewing next.



Star.
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Sunday, 24 February 2013

Cub Scouts - Told You So

Heard this song while shopping in H&M in my town in January, heard it again in H&M Westfields and was mesmerised by it, spent ages looking for the lyrics - and I finally found the song!



Star xx
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Wednesday, 6 February 2013

The Urban Piper - Leigh's Guy

I'm buzzing a little at the moment. Was just told by my personal tutor that I received the highest grade in my class for a uni module. The pass mark was 40, to get a A - well, a 1st - you have to get 70. I got 82! I'm stunned. Pleased, and relieved for having passed what was in my opinion the most challenging module, but stunned.

So, on that happy tone, I am finally - yes, I know - going to post a small bit of The Urban Piper !!!

Actually, I am writing this for my little bambino Nanni (she's not really my child, hahaha! I think she's actually my age) who features in The Urban Piper the adorable Leigh Brian. She attends a Christian school with her socially awkward, equally cute and unpredictably angry younger brother. She's spontaneous, hates the sounds of balloons bursting and likes to say the same things a lot of different ways. (Talking about the character here, by the way.)

Here's a little something I wrote yesterday. I was inspired by her telling me about how she was waiting for this really beautiful boy and feeling nervous about it. He didn't turn up, but I put my own twist on it... (heh heh. Throw Shaire in there some where, and the shit is ready to roll XD )

Star xx
___


Leigh, my sweet bambino, was pulling her sleeves down over her hands so much that I was certain they would all be stretched out by the time her sweetheart arrived.

We sat on the edge of a small and relatively new fountain erected outside of Pad Mall. Personally my butt was getting cold but I’m sure Leigh’s attentions were more orientated towards every entrance and exit of the mall, and every person going through them. Her eyes flitted like a snake’s tongue.

She’d said they hadn’t officially arranged to meet; rather, they’d met at the mall more than a handful of times by sheer coincidence – or maybe just the fact that it was the same time and place every week, she had Sunday School, he had Karate – and now Leigh was anxious about seeing him, taking extra care to look exceptionally radiant, with faint hints of liploss and mascara, much to the disapproval of the lady who ran the Catholic Sunday school. She actually skipped it today in the hopes of catching him both to and from his training.

I leaned forward until I could see her whole face. “Leigh?”

Her lithe body convulsed, sound becoming electric currents. “You... you don’t have to stay, you know,” she said, hasty words tripping her tongue, a messy and rapid cascade of half-sentences. “You can, you know... you know...” Quietly, she panted a couple of times, looking back at the entrance in case she’d missed something. She resumed, looking at me, “- you know. Scram. Skidaddle. Cut. Bounce. Skip. Roll.”

“Leigh...” A soft laugh left my mouth before I could stop it.

“Depart.” Here came her trademark pause, a short stare, and the inevitable words, “You know. Go.”

“You were with me when I met my guy,” I said fondly, playing with the tip of her spunky hair for a minute. I hadn’t realised she was staring at me until her lock of hair fell from my fingers. “What?”

“So... you and that guy... are you together now?” she said in a hushed voice. Why did her eyes seem to be gleaming?

“No!” I was... well, for want of a better word, aghast. I quickly recalled what I had said and wished I hadn’t phrased it that way. “No, no. I didn’t mean – no, he’s not my type – my guy, I mean, no. We’re not going out. I barely know him, Leeeeigghh, I mean come ooooon,” I laughed awkwardly, tilting my head forward, pretending to scratch it so I could hide my embarrassment. Everyone who’d seen me with Blue had jumped to the same conclusion – it had started with Kitten, where would it end? Although, I could understand why someone would think Blue was just too beautiful to be without a female accompaniment.

“I’m gonna tell my brother,” Leigh said triumphantly sitting up straight  “Yep! Imma tell him! That’ll take the wind out of his sails. That’ll wipe his stupid freaking... stupid grin off his face.”

I thought of Russell’s smug smirk, his eagerness to obey Tristian’s every whim. If he really did have a childish crush on me, I didn’t know why he was eager to report to Tristian about me, little worm. Maybe Tristian promised him something.

It finally fell into place.

“Yeah. Tell him.” I said instantly. Fire was in my blood. Why did it always have to come to this between me and Tristian? I felt like calling him up and screaming ‘What the FUCK - ?!’ down the phone and somehow shaking some sense into that twisted guy. Whenever I thought I had the upper hand, I'd realise that he was still manipulating me.

Knowingly, Leigh advised me, “I don’t like that guy you and my brother keeps hanging around with. He seems like a total – mindfuck.” she said, looking somewhat pleased that her parents weren’t here to censor her.

“Yeah, he is.” I scanned the entrances again. “Seen him yet?”

“No,” she said, her voice tiny, apprehensive. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what sort of guy it was that she was meeting, and I didn’t want to disappoint her – but in a nutshell, her Sunday school would have finished fifteen minutes ago. If he had been here, he was probably gone.

“C’mon Leigh,” I said gently, easing her up off the edge of the fountain. “My derrière has icicles on it.”

“Can’t we... just five more minutes... ?” she murmured, walking towards the mall.

“Well, you know,” I called, “Your Sunday school would have finished - !” She’d disappeared inside. “Twenty minutes ago...” I grumbled to myself, trudging after her. Past the glass doors, I spotted her making a beeline for this guy in a dorky green hoody, loitering outside of a music store, painstakingly taking his time with browsing. His skin was dark enough for the store clerk to eye him up in case he stole something. I couldn’t believe he'd hung around in here for fifteen-twenty minutes. She gave a shout from about two feet away, and when he turned around his face completely lit up. She looked like she was walking on balloons after that, bouncing with every step. Standing there watching it, it was just so cute that I kinda wanted to blub.

‘Okay, you got what you wanted now,’ I smiled to myself, heading back out of the mall, and the thoughts of murdering Tristian, complaining to Ma, Maine or Anais, or chilling at home with Midnight were circling my head, offering their appeals. As I passed a street running along the side of Pad Mall, something better than all of that broke through my musings.

“Shaire?”

I recognised the hue and shape of his car before I spotted him. Blue’s finger hovered over the ‘lock’ button of his remote car key, but his head was turned, cobalt eyes staring at me and a mischievous smile lighting up his face, one thousand, ten thousand times purer than Fransisco’s. Whenever I saw him, he looked so overjoyed to see me, like I was a heroine or a saviour, and no one I had ever known made me feel so appreciated and happy to be alive, happy to exist. “Hey, Leonita!” His arms were wide.

I laughed and flew at him, my arms hugging him before I had time to remember that he absolutely was not my guy.

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Sunday, 3 February 2013

Looking Back

 From Secret Escapes. These images are so therapeutic for me. This looks like a haven...

“The world makes me sick. I also make myself sick. I must seem like I wallow in self-pity every minute of the fucking day. 
I guess it's kind of true. Sometimes I think of nothing aside from how revolting this world is. So corrupted. It's as if I am the only person here, even though I am surrounded with people. I can't connect with anybody, and in day-to-day existence, I pretend for an hour or a few hours at a time that I do feel, that I do exist. After that, I don't know what I am. 
-- Star ”

I wrote that a couple of months ago.

When I look back at S.K.'s words and I feel so sad for her - me - whoever, all of me and my secret alters. Just to reiterate, S.K. is the 'depressed me'. She hasn't come out in a couple of months. I don't miss her, but I do wonder what happened. That why I was looking back over my 'Depression And Stress' posts.

I don't know if I can call it Looking Back yet, it has only been about a month. So many people have noted how much calmer, happier and jokier I am. They say I laugh so much more now. I've noticed it myself. When I think about it in idle moments, I'm so overcome with relief and gratitude that I came out the other end.

So who am I now? Good question...

Am I back to truly being 'Star?' I think I am closer than I've ever been since I first lost myself. Noriko is back for sure, but I'm surprised to say that Shay's made a few appearances (if making cat noises around the house is any measure, heh). I feel as if I have a good grip on my life at the moment. For that, I am truly grateful. I also saw one of my (my? S.K.'s? Sometimes all the parts of me merge together) old posts from this time last year. I remember I'd listened to The Miracle Of Self Discipline and felt so inspired. Then, a month or a few months later, I just crashed. Nobody could explain what happened to me, why I became depressed so fast and so intensely.

Because that was such a key example of depression going in circles, there is a little fear in me that it will come back. I know that if I stay aware, focussed, and remember that there are people around to help me, I'll be fine. But once when Pixie called me late at night, once again very upset about her personal troubles, I suggested that maybe she was depressed - a lot of what she said sounded like depression to me - and she said with a lot of anguish that (in essence) she prayed to hell it wasn't because depression never goes away.

As she is one of the people who knew about my own struggle with It, those words did make me feel a little offended. After all, she'd also noted the change in me. I get that Pixie was too upset to realise what she'd said and what her words meant - that I was cursed for life.

I didn't know if I should've felt anger or despair. At the time, I didn't feel anything. But I'm not sure I'll be picking up any more late night calls if I'll feel worse when I put the phone down. I have my own life to get on with now.


Star .
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Friday, 1 February 2013

As An Ex-Dancer

[An after-thought/continuation of a previous post.]

I should be more specific.

When I say that 'I don't see myself dancing again', I mean in formal education.

For me, dance is a an expression - most would agree. But studying dance at college killed a lot of the love I had for it. Why should I have to forsake my natural way of moving to get some points on a scoresheet that will eventually give me an A Level, and will just about mean a damn thing in The Adult World?  Why do I have to conform to what 'they' (teachers, examiners - whoever, man) want me to do to pass my exam? God, why?

I will tell you something that saddens me. I got a C at Dance A Level. Of all the girls in my class, I was the one who was choreographing in my spare time, I arrived at classes early and left late, I gave Dance A2 more time than any of my other subjects, my teachers and classmates praised my work, the girls who'd so kindly agreed to be a part of it said that they enjoyed dancing my group piece.

But Dance received the lowest grade of all of my A2's. To say that was a blow is more than an understatement.

I was told that (probably because of the tuition fees rising,) grade boundaries has dropped, so everybody got horrendous marks (obviously to make it harder to get the mark we needed for uni.) But it didn't matter. I feel sickened and so, so miserable. All that time, and effort, and eagerness. If I had a passion for Dance, that wouldn't have fazed me, but instead my love of it went down the drain.

I haven't officially danced in two years now, except in my room, in private.

The reason this blog post came about is because Mama began asking me about it. I don't remember how we got on the topic, but I remember getting so upset and angry... and so damn frustrated about it that I just fell into silence and refused to talk on the subject any more. Until then, I hadn't realised that I even felt that way about all this. I thought I'd accepted that Dance was just a part of my life - a phase that spanned 7 years - and that was mercifully over.

And that's fine.

I'm glad I made the last minute decision to not take it at Uni. I was sitting in that Dance field meeting full of horror and fear. I knew I couldn't take that course or I would crack. I already know the limitations of my body, I'm tired of being told what they are, I was just so tired of everything that came with the territory. I'm much happier in English literature.

I know things happen in life for a reason. 7 years of Dance gave me contacts, friends, experiences, self-confidence and creativity in physical form. None of that will ever be wasted.



Star .
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