The Meaning Of Life

On Saturday, I got one of 'those leaflets' from a Jehovah's Witness, and took it with good grace (because that's what I always do in case God's giving me a sign) despite the fact that I doubt that it would have anything relevant to me. However the theme for the July 2011 edition (the one I got - some old-ass issue) was,

'What is the meaning of life?'

Seeing as that's what had been on my mind at my lowest points of the last few months, my next thought was promptly; 'Fuck.'

Because I know that when a Jehovah's Witness leaflet is telling me about my life, and I'm not a Jehovah's Witness, that there's a problem somewhere in the grand scale of my life...

... that it's basically a fucking mess and needs to be straightened out at once.

"Does life have any meaning?" Countless people have asked that question. Sadly, no matter how they look at their life, many are unable to escape what Austrian neurologist described as a "sense of meaninglessness and emptiness" in their lives.

To which I thought, 'Oh, great.' Kept reading.

To many, it simply does not make sense that humans, who are gifted with such great potential, live such short lives. They cannot understand the harsh reality that we all face: Sooner or later, even if we escape the worst that besets mankind, death robs us of everything.  -Ecclesiastes 3:19, 20

After this, I stopped reading. There was no point if it was just going to make me feel worse about the futility of my actions to suceed. 'I just want to be a writer,' I thought, feeling like shit. 'And possibly a dancer. I just want to be successful and for my life to be worth a damn.' If that's too much to ask, then let me repeat the last line of the prayer I say every night before sleeping - 'I pray thee Lord my soul to take, Amen.'

What's slightly worse is that on Sunday, I wasn't feeling too good at all. The tooth in front of the one I got filled (remember that?) was killing me at various points, so I had to make a dentists appointment today :( Also, I'm kinda unfamiliar with headaches (I never get them) so I wasn't sure if what I was feeling on Sunday was a headache or eye-ache, which I do actually get from my bloody HD glasses from Specsavers. Kinda pissed as that, because when I last went from my eye test, I TOLD them I didn't want it too strong from my last one. I bet they're trying to make me bloody blind so that I have to keep going back there to get glasses because I'm blind. Evil.

It was even more infuriating that no matter how much I tried to write, I felt too shitty to do it. I couldn't get anything done that day. So the motto 'What is the meaning of life' kept reinforcing itself in my head and I just thought - GAHHHH !!!!

If it wasn't for my mama, who keeps me motivated and strong, God knows what would've happened to me. I might just have ended up as one of those tragic, tragic people who commit suicide and everybody thinks, 'What a tragedy, they had so much ahead of them.' Well OBVIOUSLY, they didn't think so - or else they wouldn't have done it. And I know in my heart that I would never ever willingly commit suicide; it's much more likely that in my depression, I'll do something stupid like forget to look both ways when I'm crossing the road. Did that once. One my way from teacher-student day with Mr Duffy, where I basically went into school for ten minutes to talk about how well I was doing. On my way back, walked into the road and had to run when a lorry beeped me. Damn, that was scary. My life didn't flash before my eyes, only the lorry. I'll have to touch wood now because all this talk about death is freaking me out.

ANYWAAAAAAY, on a MUCH brighter note, I got LOADS and LOADS written today. So very happy and proud of myself. Will be posting a series of those chapters this week. Big fat yay, for the alter-ego writer. And at the moment, Dawnstar is presiding - finding that happy place where I'm making good and continuous jokes, smiling, taking control of my life, laughing. Darkstar can fuck off with my stress, don't need ANY of that right now. Thank YOUP.

The excerpts in this blog are from:
The Watchtower, July 1, 2011.

Peace, Love and Light (preferrably starlight)

Star xx

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