Something happened today at work that really brought me down. I don't want to put the details on my blog, but it made me very very unhappy and my self-esteem feels like zero. It was offensive and really hurt my feelings. However an apology was made. Still though, I kept thinking about it, to the point where I came home feeling very depressed and suicidal. It was hard to stop the tears so I went to bed, but the moment I was asleep I had a nightmare about a friend leading me into a trap where someone tried to kill me, directly after, I had a dream where I was at work and everybody hated me. I will not write these in my dream book.

I am so so grateful that, for once, I decided to confide in my sister, because she gave me some advice and then spend the rest of this evening cheering me up and distracting me and whatnot. At first I couldn't get it out of my mind, and whatever she did my mind kept drifting. But finally, now as I write this, I was able to at least laugh with her and I feel lighter now. This has put me in even better spirits because I was terrified of being still miserable on Christmas day. My Mum would be able to tell and it would ruin it for her. Also I've completely lost my appetite, which is rare, so that might clue her in too. But I think I have the strength to at least fake it now.

I feel very upset still because I feel that it came about from being sluggish and not up to speed lately. It takes me a long to time process what's been said which leads to embarrassing incidents, doing and saying stupid things, being made a fool of by other people. It's really upsetting, because I know I'm not normally like this but I feel stupid and dumb. And worthless. I wish I knew how to get more confidence. I hate to say this, but everything is going wrong. It gets harder to see the bright side of things with each passing day. But I'll just carry on, I guess. Something has to change, eventually.

Pros and Cons of Christmas

Now nobody can say I didn't at least try to look on the bright side.

Pros

• - The Christmas spirit motivates people to act with more kindness.
• - It encourages giving.
• - Nationwide celebration of Christmas means it the one time of year I'm guaranteed to be with my family, as there are no other commitments.
• - Food is a stress relief. it makes you feel good. An abundance of it it very pleasing.
• - Something to look forward to.

Cons

• - Christmas is also the most stressful time of the year, although it really shouldn't be with all of the pros above. Stress provokes undesirable characteristics such as rudeness and stupidity.
• - Giving is, in my experience, rarely done for the pleasure of giving and seeing the persons happy response. {When I was a kid, I loved just being able to put a smile on somebody's face.  I would always get asked, why are YOU giving presents? You're a kid! But I didn't want to just receive presents, (especially when I thought about them spending money on me,) I wanted to give too. But other members of the family (namely sisters) want to know that you are 100% happy with the present, become annoyed if you are not, and additionally hold grudges about bad presents or a lack of presents from previous years and use it to determine what they'll buy that year. Pointless shit, basically. [ * ] }
• - Nationwide celebration encourages national brainwashing. People get the bizarre idea that a good Christmas is an expensive Christmas. Nationwide celebration encourage unnecessary panic and heartache. It is supposed to be a joyous time of year, but the only joyous time seems to be Christmas day, excluding arguments, and it only lasts about 20 hours, depending on when you go to bed. [ ** ]
• - The excess of food, for me, always causes guilt instead of accepting that it's just a part of Christmas. {When I was young, I always ate 'til I was bursting and it such a horrible feeling. I really hated it, I'd always have to lie down, and it was so uncomfortable. Now I have a bit more sense (just a bit). Last year for the first time, I put TINY amount of everything - by the time I was finished and had had a 1/3 glass of water, I was content. Not full, just content. I was really really glad I wised up.}
• - As it looms closer, everything thinks about it and does nothing. Then they panic and talk about being disorganised and cause everybody else needless stress.

[ * ] We no longer give presents as a ritual, because too many people in the family were (is the word bitter?) no longer inclined to do it. At the time I agreed, because there was no point with animosity about, but it's kind of a shame. If we could put those issues aside, me included, it would be sweet. Maybe we made too big a deal about the presents. That's almost always it. Last year, when we didn't do presents, it was really cool. We actually had our morning back.

[ ** ] It makes me ache to think about how much Mama spent on food and drinks alone. I know we are a big family. I know she has better experience than me, I know that she's been doing Christmas for decades and I know she's rather have too much food than not enough to feed the family. It always ends up feeding us up until New Year. It just makes me =/ , especially as I've been trying to encourage them all to eat well. Again, I know it'll be over in a week. Just saying.

Men-yu desu.
Kidding. I just mean the menu. XD

I-Spied a leg o' lamb, chicken, potatoes for roasting, Yorkshire puds, Brussel Sprouts and other veggies, veg for the salad, HUGE packs of Macaroni for Mama's famous Macaroni Cheese (famous is our family, anyway =3 ), chicken skewer things & Tempura prawns to snack on. Then we got chocs, after eights & quality street to be precise, shortbread and selection box of biscuits, and other stuff I'm sure I haven't seen (my little brother is a weasel.) Drinks; snowball, mulled wine & KA, which we have pretty much every year, as well as some ginger beer, shloer, and plain juice. Desserts include apple crumble (I love), eve's pudding (Mama & the sissies love), lemon cheesecake, and surprisingly I think that's it. Would've thought a jam roly poly would been on the list but I guess not. I am also under the impression that other members will be bringing bits and bobs.



Man, this Christmas sh** is exhausting... sorry to be a downer but it's true. And of course I was already exhausted. Not much seems to be working. I must need a huge dose of iron cuz I don't think I have much left. I can barely move. If it wasn't for Mama I wouldn't have gotten out of bed this morning =o




If you're in London and on the road, (and reading this,) be careful. The wind out there is alarmingly powerful.

Take care dudes. Have a good Chrimbo, as my friend used to call it.



Star xx

Seems Like I Threw That Anchor Into The Sea With My Heart Attached

It's taken me a long while to write again, because I didn't know how to piece the words I wanted to say together. I still don't. Wednesday was horrible. It had been a long time since I'd felt so afraid and tired and depressed and exhausted that I had a breakdown, crying incessantly, cutting myself excessively, wondering why I was alive, why I was born, blah blah. S'not like I haven't been there before. Just saying that makes me feel like scum. Sitting here now, I'm getting so sick and tired of these awful, awful days and then looking back and going, oh yeah, had another one of those Kill Me days. Hey, suicide! That seems like a good idea! Why don't I go ahead and ruin my family's life! Maaaaaaaaaaaan. I'm out of ideas, I'm so exhausted, SO EXHAUSTED, I never get enough sleep these days, or else too much. It's like, no matter how much I try to be proactive about getting out of this pit I'm stuck in, now it feels like nothing I does matters. But I don't feel Boo-Hoo about it, just pissed off that I wasn't a stronger person to take control of my destiny. I don't like being shitted on by fate. I know it's something I've done. I know I have to try harder. But I have no energy left, and that makes me very afraid. My mum is so stresses out, my sister said that every time we stress her out like that, we take years off her life. That terrified me to the point of tears. That I could be responsible for my mothers death. I want to help her so badly, but I don't know what else to do, I really and truly don't. I don't trust anti-depressants, and that's all my Doc can do for me, so why bother with the GP? I'd rather be dead than take pills. I realise that it's a terrible thing to say. But for anybody to understand why I feel that way, I'd have to start from the beginning, and when I had a break-down at work and had to explain it to my supervisors, it took a long time for them to get why I was so afraid.

Said this before but as long as I'm alive I'll never stop trying. It's just getting so hard right now. I can't change anything unless I can get better sleep, I can't get better sleep unless I stop with this binge eating, stopping binge-eating is a challenge as I do it BECAUSE I feel so down. Vicious circle. Weakest point seems to be the eating, I'll smash the thing to pieces from there.

There, blog vomit, as I promised myself.

Also did a bullshit boo-hoo ranty vlog for the first time ever. Nobody on this living earth with ever see it.

Typos are no longer my issue, I will never read this again.

El guerrero Pegaso by Boris Esteban Bernal Castillo.

El guerrero Pegaso
Author: Boris Esteban Bernal Castillo.

Read Here at: http://borisestebitanbernalcastillo.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/el-guerrero-pegaso_13.html

Mis alas de Pegaso me hacen volar alto,
Mi espíritu brilla como nunca,
Los rostros de maldad ya no me dan miedo,
Porque yo creo en mi propia luz.

Valentía y perseverancia,
Ardo en esperanza,
Es tiempo de resplandecer entre las estrellas.

Tengo fe, todavía tengo mucho por aprender,
No me despediré sin antes cumplir mis sueños,
Tengo coraje, todavía tengo batallas por luchar,
No me rendiré sin antes demostrar mi valor.

¿Por qué llorar pensando en lo que he perdido?,
Todos tenemos un pequeño universo por dentro,
Podemos hacer estallar el poder de nuestra alma,
Yo expandiré mi universo por toda la galaxia.

Creer en mí mismo, seguir adelante,
Mi verdadero poder siempre ha estado en el corazón.

Tengo ilusión, quiero sentir el viento de la felicidad,
No diré adiós sin antes agotar mi última gota de esperanza,
Tengo una mirada desafiante, necesito llegar hasta el final,
No me frenaré, esto es importante para mí.

Amor propio y sacar fuerzas de la nada,
Lograr una hazaña cuando todo parece perdido.

Tengo luz interna, meteoros llenos de nobles sentimientos,
Seguiré volando hasta superar mis debilidades,
Tengo ganas de ser feliz, reuniré todo mi poder para conseguirlo,
Todos los meteoros se unen para formar un cometa de Pegaso.



English Translation (according to Google Translate):

My Pegasus wings make me fly higher ,
My spirit shines as never before,
The faces of evil no longer scare me ,
Because I believe in my own light .

Courage and perseverance,
Ardo in hope,
Time to shine among the stars.

I have faith , I still have much to learn ,
I do not take leave without fulfilling my dreams,
I am angry , I still have battles to fight,
I will not give up without prove my worth .

Why mourn thinking about what I lost ? ,
We all have a little world within,
We can blow up the power of our soul ,
I will expand my universe throughout the galaxy .

Believing in myself , go ahead ,
My real power has always been at the heart .

I have hope , I feel the wind of happiness
I will not say goodbye without first exhausting my last drop of hope
I have a defiant look , I need to get to the end ,
I 'll brake No , this is important to me.

Self-esteem and draw strength from nothing,
Achieving a feat when all seems lost .

I have inner light , meteor full of noble sentiments ,
I will continue flying to overcome my weaknesses ,
I want to be happy , I will gather all my power to get it,
All meteors come together to form a comet Pegasus .




I love this poem so much.

Naturally I did have to translate it to understand but after reading it in English I was stunned. It's so beautiful and uplifting and generally a very happy poem. It makes me feel really happy.
Please check out Boris' blog!



Me .
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Black Cosplayers? Cosplaying For Black People?

I don't usually talk about race, but I was thinking about cosplaying for next year's Comic Con and I thought... hold on a minute... who the heck do I go as?

I'll be honest with ya, this one had me stuck. Either I'm ignorant, or there really aren't very many black heroines to choose from when it comes to Cosplaying.

I mean, yeah, there's Storm, of course. But how many black girls must cosplay Storm?! And I can't cosplay as Storm EVERY TIME. Cosplaying Halle Berry's Catwoman is a bit of a cheat because the original depiction of Selina Kyle in the comics is white. So... ? Does anybody have any ideas? Am I gonna have to make the male black characters female to cosplay them? Or am I gonna have to write a couple books, get a couple black heroines famous so I can cosplay one?

Or can I only cosplay aliens? (Gonna be covered by makeup anyway.)

Maybe I'll just start a list here and I can come back and add to it when necessary.
World Of Black Superheroes has loads of ideas too.

Man, I need to create some black heroines.

21

Instead of thinking;
Another year of wisdom I've learned for laters years,

I think;
Another year wasted, another year closer to the day I die. I'm afraid. I'm running out of time.



Star .