Shallow Cuts

The only reason I'm writing this is because once upon a time, writing these stupid blog posts was all that kept me sane. I have slowly been going insane this year, and I have had two significant breakdowns that I remember - this is the second. I don't remember the last time I cut myself. I threw away the knife I used to use, and I never even thought about it any more. What a blessing. But today, whatever streak I'd been on ended. I cut my arms because the pain inside of me, in my stomach, chest and throat, felt far worse than the feeling of cutting my arm open, even as I was doing it. Even if I had someone to ask for help, I would be afraid to. I did call Hopeline but they closed at 10pm. I've never felt more alone or more empty, ever. It's clear my life needs to change, but I'm not sure what I should be changing. Even before the lockdown, I was isolated and unfulfilled - now it's compounded a hundred times. I have no idea what I should do and my mind is so numb I can barely write this. 

Star .

Faith and Belief

I get so confused on what I should believe sometimes. The principles I believe in, as they relate to kindness and humanity, have been tested so much lately. As for me personally, I no longer feel like I actually emulate the qualities that I believed existed in everyone. So the beliefs I've held for so long about the intrinsic nature of human beings is really being shaken right down to the foundation.

No doubt, COVID-19 severing me completely and utterly from my community has left me fragile and in a dark place.

I hate to go on about it, but Mama did say a lot of things to me about religion that really fucked me up, largely because a lot of what she says is contradictory, which is stressful when combined with emotional blackmail and extreme ultimatums. On the one hand, I'm grateful my parents let me have my own spiritual/religious beliefs which, as I've gotten older, tends to overlap with theirs anyway. On the other, their beliefs exemplify their cynicism about humanity. I think it stems from things they have seen or suffered. I can't blame them. But I also can't follow them down that path. I feel like if I believe people are wired to be selfish and cruel, the meaning of life is reduced to so little that perhaps it's barely worth living. I don't know.

Troubled thoughts on a Thursday night.

Star . 

This Cuts Me Open Like A Knife

I still don't understand it.

As a kid, I was so awkward and introverted. I was blissful in my own company, making up fantasy worlds in my head.

As I've gotten older, benefiting from wonderful people supporting me through mental health challenges, it's become harder and harder to face these hardships totally alone. Not to mention how crushing it feels discovering that the people I could once turn to for support have disappeared from my life.

It hurts terribly.

My original plan at the end of 2019 was to find some new friends based on my hobbies and start going to meetups and short courses. But then COVID-19 struck and that plan was out the window for 2020. I never really came up with a new plan because I was too busy, y'know, trying to survive. Weathering the storm.

But with each passing month, I feel like I'm becoming more hollow inside. It's not just because of social distancing, isolation in general, and my resulting loneliness from a lot of other millenials being unwilling to socialise in person and not through a screen. That's a big part of it though.

I don't want to rely on social interactions to be happy. I still need to regain that old contentment of feeling enough being by myself.

But I also don't know anyone who's successful and said they've had a fulfilling life, without being surrounded by a supportive family or team.

Star .

Brian Tracy's 'Think On Paper' Technique

This is an email from my sister I planned to share but never published, drafted on 20/10/2014. Blast from the past, huh?

'The Discipline of Clear Thinking

Think on paper.

ok so some of this might not be completely relevant but i highlighted in purple the part i thought would give you the most clarity about what to do after a situation has affect you. you can get an answer simply form taking the problems out of your head and putting them on paper.
I would say try this in diary style for 21 days. every single day for 21 days only then see if you feel better. after that things in your life should start to improve.

- When dealing with a problem of the situation, and write down every detail, how it happened, what’s going on, who’s involved, the problems that concerns the cost, write it all down. Think on paper.
Sometimes exactly the right choice pops out at you, it becomes clear, but you wouldn’t have triggered the super conscious solution if you hadn’t thought on paper.

Aristotle said wisdom the greatest of all human desires is the ability to make good decisions which is Experience plus Reflection i.e you have an experience, then you reflect on it, what does this experience mean, to me, how can I use that, what can I learn from it.

If you’re facing difficulties ask: What are my assumptions? What am I assuming about this situation that may not be correct?
Be open to doing something completely different.

Another way To improve your thinking, talk it over with someone that you like and trust and give them the details and ask for their feedback or perspective. If in a relationship, the other person can give you a perspective that completely changes your ideas.

Ask - What if my basic assumptions are wrong, about this job / relationship / product / investment / service. Then what would I do. Be open to doing something completely different, admitting the possibility that you may be wrong and doing something completely different.

The best way to reflect on your experiences – go for a walk, don’t take an ipod or anything, go for a walk 30 or 60 minutes and just walk, and while your walking reflect on things going on at work or at home for quality ideas or clarity.'

It's funny, I called my sister yesterday and she mentioned some decade-old emails she found that we sent to each other, talking about completely random, old, bizarre, outdated things we found interesting or funny at the time. I could practically hear her cringe when she said 'Oh yeah, I used to write in pink comic sans font!'

It is embarrassing to stumble across digital time-capsules, but sometimes you find valuable little gems that you forgot about, like the tip above. It's from The Miracle of Self Discipline by Brian Tracy, which is a wealth of information that's helped me at different stages of my life so far. Well worth looking up.

Star . 

I Hope Writing Gets Easier

Trying to find an idea to write about is tough.

Not because actually finding things to write about is hard, but because I made a decision to write primarily on uplifting, positive, inspirational topics. That's been difficult because this year has been the hardest of my life so far and my mind has been extremely negative.

But I'm confident that this, like anything else, will take practice. So, I'll keep writing and pushing through my doubt. I'll fill my blank mind with worthwhile ideas to share with others.

Star . 

Now It's My Turn: Helping Your Parents Fulfil Their Dreams

My mum has been an empty-nester for just over a year. This has happened later in her life due to being the mother of four Generation X children, one Generation Y child (the millennial - that's me!) and one Generation Z child. By the time my and my younger sibling were over eighteen, the job market and the housing market were such a mess that we wouldn't have been able to support ourselves if we'd moved out. All our friends, now adults, are still living with their parents too.

But for Mama, her children were finally all "independent". She'd desperately wanted us out of her house for years and was sick and tired of dealing with us. When the time finally came and she had the four-bedroom home she'd lived in for thirty years to herself, she wasn't ready for it. She was unmotivated, uncertain, sad and lonely. There was nothing to distract her from her discontent.

My mum finds happiness where she can, but moments of emptiness will encompass her and make she gaze blankly into space. She's often said she hasn't achieved all in her life that she wants to, which is strange because she can never say with certain what she wants to achieve. When she talks about what she wants to do in life, her answer always changes but she eventually arrives at the same conclusion; 'I just don't know.' Even saying the words makes her face crumple, on the verge of tears. My heart breaks every time.

I take after my mother a lot, in case it wasn't already apparent. I wonder if observing her is like looking into my own future.

Me and Mama have certainly had our struggles but naturally, I never want to see her miserable. Often she does things that sabotage her own progress when she starts something new. So maybe I can't help her at all, and she has to find her own truth. But I wish I could give her the kind of solace that, even living apart from her children, leaves her feeling fulfilled.

Star .