At that time, I was being bounced around between counselling services trying to find the right one. With each new face, I'd have to tell them my story from the top and as you can imagine, quickly became very distressed at having to relive the reasons I was seeking counselling over and over again.
Calling a helpline felt no different. I wanted to speak to someone who knew me and wouldn't have to make guesses about what would help me.
But now, being completely isolated with no-one I trust, helplines are a blessing. I've called the suicide helpline HOPELINE a grand total of two times, and count myself lucky things aren't worse. More recently I've called Samaritans if I just feel lonely, or an episode of depression has me in a vice grip and immobilised. Being on my own for so many months now, not visiting anyone and no-one visiting me, speaking to a real live person who listens carefully and responds to what I've said is so... reassuring. I feel relieved and calmed. That in itself is wonderful and awful at the same time.
When I used to work in retail about ten years ago, sometimes we'd get elderly customers who'd eagerly talk to us sales assistants for ages after they'd paid. They were very sweet, but impatient customers waiting in the queue would watch and huff, waiting to be served next. I guess those elderly people would either be totally oblivious or not care. I remember wondering if it was because they were lonely and glad to have someone to talk to. My young and blissfully unaware mind then thought, 'If that's the case - that's got to be one of the worst and saddest things ever.'
Star .
If you are experiencing loneliness, depression, or suicidal ideation,
call Samaritans on 116 123 (in the UK),
or find the hotline number for your country on Befrienders.org.
Listening to: Silver Moon by Donkeyboy
Watching: 30 Days Timelapse at Sea, Through Thunderstorms, Torrential Rain & Busy Traffic by JeffHK, one of my favorite youtube videos ever. I watch it whenever I need to feel calm.
Meditating: for about 10-15 minutes before my mind starts to fester with anxious agitation. (Does that phrase make sense?)
